Complete Works of Lewis Carroll (116 page)

THOSE HORRID HURDY-GURDIES!

A MONODY, BY A VICTIM

“My mother bids me bind my hair,”

And not go about such a figure;

It's a bother, of course, but what do I care?

I shall do as I please when I'm bigger.

“My lodging is on the cold, cold ground,”

As the first-floor and attic were taken.

I tried the garret but once, and found

That my wish for a change was mistaken.

“Ever of thee!”
yes, “Ever of thee!”

They chatter more and more,

Till I groan aloud, “Oh!
let me be!

I have heard it all before!”

“Please remember the organ, sir,”

What?
hasn't he left me yet?

I promise, good man; for its tedious burr

I never can forget.

MY FANCY

I painted her a gushing thing,

With years perhaps a score;

I little thought to find they were

At least a dozen more;

My fancy gave her eyes of blue,

A curly auburn head:

I came to find the blue a green,

The auburn turned to red.

She boxed my ears this morning,

They tingled very much;

I own that I could wish her

A somewhat lighter touch;

And if you were to ask me how

Her charms might be improved,

I would not have them
added to
,

But just a few
removed
!

She has the bear's ethereal grace,

The bland hyena's laugh,

The footstep of the elephant,

The neck of the giraffe;

I love her still, believe me,

Though my heart its passion hides;

“She's all my fancy painted her,”

But oh!
how much besides!

Mar.
15, 2.

THE MAJESTY OF JUSTICE

AN OXFORD IDYLL

They passed beneath the College gate;

And down the High went slowly on;

Then spake the Undergraduate

To that benign and portly Don:

“They say that Justice is a Queen—

A Queen of awful Majesty—

Yet in the papers I have seen

Some things that puzzle me.

“A Court obscure, so rumour states,

There is, called ‘Vice-Cancellarii,’

Which keeps on Undergraduates,

Who do not pay their bills, a wary eye.

A case I'm told was lately brought

Into that tiniest of places,

And justice in that case was sought—

As in most other cases.

“Well!
Justice as I hold, dear friend,

Is Justice, neither more than less:

I never dreamed it could depend

On ceremonial or dress.

I thought that her imperial sway

In Oxford surely would appear,

But all the papers seem to say

She's not majestic
here
.”

The portly Don he made reply,

With the most roguish of his glances,

“Perhaps she drops her Majesty

Under peculiar circumstances.”

“But that's the point!”
the young man cried,

“The puzzle that I wish to pen you in—

How are the public to decide

Which
article is genuine?

“Is't only when the Court is large

That we for ‘Majesty’ need hunt?

Would what is Justice in a barge

Be something different in a punt?

“Nay, nay!”
the Don replied, amused,

“You're talking nonsense, sir!
You know it!

Such arguments were never used

By any friend of Jowett.”

“Then is it in the men who trudge

(Beef-eaters I believe they call them)

Before each wigged and ermined judge,

For fear some mischief should befall them?

If I should recognise in one

(Through all disguise) my own domestic,

I fear 'twould shed a gleam of fun

Even on the ‘Majestic’!”

The portly Don replied, “Ahem!

They can't exactly be its
essence
:

I scarcely think the want of them

The ‘Majesty of Justice’ lessens.

Besides, they always march awry;

Their gorgeous garments never fit:

Processions
don't make Majesty—

I'm quite convinced of it.”

“Then is it in the
wig
it lies,

Whose countless rows of rigid curls

Are gazed at with admiring eyes

By country lads and servant-girls?”

Out laughed that bland and courteous Don:

“Dear sir, I do not mean to flatter—

But surely you have hit upon

The essence of the matter.

“They will not own the Majesty

Of Justice, making Monarchs bow,

Unless as evidence they see

The horsehair wig upon her brow.

Yes, yes!
That makes the silliest men

Seem wise; the meanest men look big:

The Majesty of Justice, then,

Is seated in the WIG.”

March 3.

THE ELECTIONS TO THE HEBDOMADAL COUNCIL

“Now is the winter of our discontent.”

[In the year 6, a Letter with the above title was published in Oxford, addressed by Mr.
Goldwin Smith to the Senior Censor of Christ Church, with the two-fold object of revealing to the University a vast political misfortune which it had unwittingly encountered, and of suggesting a remedy which should at once alleviate the bitterness of the calamity and secure the sufferers from its recurrence.
The misfortune thus revealed was no less than the fact that, at a recent election of Members to the Hebdomadal Council,
two
Conservatives had been chosen, thus giving a Conservative majority in the Council; and the remedy suggested was a sufficiently sweeping one, embracing, as it did, the following details:—

1.
“The exclusion” (from Congregation) “of the non-academical elements which form a main part of the strength of this party domination.”
These “elements” are afterwards enumerated as “the parish clergy and the professional men of the city, and chaplains who are without any academical occupation.”

2.
The abolition of the Hebdomadal Council.

3.
The abolition of the legislative functions of Convocation.

These are all the main features of this remarkable scheme of Reform, unless it be necessary to add—

4.“To preside over a Congregation with full legislative powers, the Vice-Chancellor ought no doubt to be a man of real capacity.”

But it would be invidious to suppose that there was any intention of suggesting this as a novelty.

The following rhythmical version of the Letter develops its principles to an extent which possibly the writer had never contemplated.]

“Heard ye the arrow hurtle in the sky?

Heard ye the dragon-monster's dreadful cry?”—

Excuse this sudden burst of the Heroic;

The present state of things would vex a Stoic!

And just as Sairey Gamp, for pains within,

Administered a modicum of gin,

So does my mind, when vexed and ill at ease,

Console itself with soothing similes,

The “dragon-monster” (pestilential schism!)

I need not tell you is Conservatism.

The “hurtling arrow” (till we find a better)

Is represented by the present Letter.

'Twas, I remember, but the other day,

Dear Senior Censor, that you chanced to say

You thought these party-combinations would

Be found, “though needful, no unmingled good.”

Unmingled good?
They are unmingled ill!

I never took to them, and never will—

What am I saying?
Heed it not, my friend:

On the next page I mean to recommend

The very dodges that I now condemn

In the Conservatives!
Don't hint to them

A word of this!
(In confidence.
Ahem!)

Need I rehearse the history of Jowett?

I need not, Senior Censor, for you know it.

That
was the Board Hebdomadal, and oh!

Who would be free, themselves must strike the blow!

Let each that wears a beard, and each that shaves,

Join in the cry “We never will be slaves!”

“But can the University afford

To be a slave to any kind of board?

A
slave?
” you shuddering ask.
“Think you it can, Sir?”

“
Not at the present moment
,” is my answer.

I've thought the matter o'er and o'er again

And given to it all my powers of brain;

I've thought it out, and this is what I make it,

(And I don't care a Tory how you take it:)

It may be right to go ahead, I guess:

It may be right to stop, I do confess
;

Also, it may be right to retrogress.

“In a letter on a point connected with the late elections to the Hebdomadal Council you incidentally remarked to me that our combinations for these elections, ‘though necessary were not an unmixed good.’
They are an unmixed evil.”

“I never go to a
caucus
without reluctance: I never write a canvassing letter without a feeling of repugnance to my task.”

“I need not rehearse the history of the Regius Professor of Greek.”

“The University cannot afford at the present moment to be delivered over as a slave to any non-academical interest whatever.”

“It may be right to go on, it may be right to stand still, or it may be right to go back.”

So says the oracle, and, for myself, I

Must say it beats to fits the one at Delphi!

To save beloved Oxford from the yoke,

(For this majority's beyond a joke),

We must combine, aye!
hold a
caucus
-meeting,

Unless we want to get another beating.

That they should “bottle” us is nothing new—

But shall they bottle us and
caucus
too?

See the “fell unity of purpose” now

With which Obstructives plunge into the row!

“Factious Minorities,” we used to sigh—

“Factious Majorities” is now the cry.

“Votes—ninety-two”—no combination here:

“Votes—ninety-three”—conspiracy, 'tis clear!

You urge “'Tis but a unit.”
I reply

That in that unit lurks their “unity.”

Our
voters often bolt, and often baulk us,

But then, they never, never go
to caucus
!

Our
voters can't forget the maxim famous

“Semel electum semper eligamus”:

They
never can be worked into a ferment

By visionary promise of preferment,

Nor taught, by hints of “Paradise” beguiled,

To whisper “C for Chairman” like a child!

And thus the friends that we have tempted down

Oft take the two-o'clock Express for town.

This is our danger: this the secret foe

That aims at Oxford such a deadly blow.

What champion can we find to save the State,

To crush the plot?
We darkly whisper “Wait!”

My scheme is this: remove the votes of all

The residents that are not Liberal—

Leave the young Tutors uncontrolled and free,

And Oxford then shall see—what it shall see.

What next?
Why then, I say, let Convocation

Be shorn of all her powers of legislation.

But why stop there?
Let us go boldly on—

Sweep everything beginning with a “Con”

Into oblivion!
Convocation first,

Conservatism next, and, last and worst,

“
Concilium Hebdomadale
” must,

Consumed and conquered, be consigned to dust!

“To save the University from going completely under the yoke .
.
.
we shall still be obliged to combine.”

“Caucus-holding and wire-pulling would still be almost inevitably carried on to some extent.”

“But what are we to do?
Here is a great political and theological party .
.
.
labouring under perfect discipline and with fell unity of purpose, to hold the University in subjection, and fill her government with its nominees.”

At a recent election to Council, the Liberals mustered ninety-two votes and the Conservatives ninety-three; whereupon the latter were charged with having obtained their victory by a conspiracy.

Not to mention that, as we cannot promise Paradise to our supporters, they are very apt to take the train for London just before the election.

It is not known to what the word “Paradise” was intended to allude, and therefore the hint, here thrown out, that the writer meant to recall the case of the late Chairman of Mr.
Gladstone's committee, who had been recently collated to the See of Chester, is wholly wanton and gratuitous.

A case of this kind had actually occurred on the occasion of the division just alluded to.

Mr.
Wayte, now President of Trinity, then put forward as the Liberal candidate for election to Council.

“You and others suggest, as the only effective remedy, that the Constituency should be reformed, by the exclusion of the non-academical elements which form a main part of the strength of this party domination.”

“I confess that, having included all the really academical elements in Congregation, I would go boldly on, and put an end to the Legislative functions of Convocation.”

“This conviction, that while we have Elections to Council we shall not entirely get rid of party organization and its evils, leads me to venture a step further, and to raise the question whether it is really necessary that we should have an Elective Council for legislative purposes at all.”

And here I must relate a little fable

I heard last Saturday at our high table:—

The cats, it seems, were masters of the house,

And held their own against the rat and mouse:

Of course the others couldn't stand it long,

So held a caucus (not, in their case, wrong);

And, when they were assembled to a man,

Uprose an aged rat, and thus began:—

“Brothers in bondage!
Shall we bear to be

For ever left in a minority?

With what ‘fell unity of purpose’ cats

Oppose the trusting innocence of rats!

So unsuspicious are we of disguise,

Their machinations take us by surprise—

Insulting and tyrannical absurdities!

It is too bad by half—upon my word it is!

For, now that these Con—, cats, I should say (frizzle 'em!),

Are masters, they exterminate like Islam!

How shall we deal with them?
I'll tell you how:—

Let none but kittens be allowed to miaow!

The Liberal kittens seize us but in play,

And, while they frolic, we can run away;

But older cats are not so generous,

Their claws are too Conservative for us!

Then let
them
keep the stable and the oats,

While kittens, rats, and mice have all the votes.

“Yes; banish cats!
The kittens would not use

Their powers for blind obstruction, nor refuse

To let us sip the cream and gnaw the cheese—

How glorious then would be our destinies!

Kittens and rats would occupy the throne,

And rule the larder for itself alone!”

“Sometimes, indeed, not being informed that the wires are at work, we are completely taken by surprise.”

“We are without protection against this most insulting and tyrannical absurdity.”

“It is as exterminating as Islam.”

“Their powers would scarcely be exercised for the purposes of fanaticism, or in a spirit of blind obstruction.”

“These narrow local bounds, within which our thoughts and schemes have hitherto been pent, will begin to disappear, and a far wider sphere of action will open on the view.”

“Those councils must be freely opened to all who can serve her well and who will serve her for herself.”

So rhymed my friend, and asked me what I thought of it.

I told him that so much as I had caught of it

Appeared to me (as I need hardly mention)

Entirely undeserving of attention.

But now, to guide the Congregation, when

It numbers none but really “able” men,

A “
Vice-Cancellarius
” will be needed

Of every kind of human weakness weeded!

Is such the president that we have got?