Complete Works of Fyodor Dostoyevsky (606 page)

But however eagerly Lambert may have been expecting me, Anna Andreyevna perhaps was awaiting me even more eagerly.  I must say frankly that Lambert was to some extent right in his reckoning when he contemplated throwing her over, and it was her own fault.  In spite of the agreement that no doubt existed between them (in what form I don’t know, but I have no doubt about it), Anna Andreyevna up to the very last moment was not fully open with him.  She did not lay all her cards on the table.  She hinted at complete agreement on her part and at all sorts of promises — but she confined herself to hints.  She listened perhaps to his whole plan in detail; but she only approved in silence.  I have good evidence for this conclusion, and the reason of it all was THAT SHE WAS WAITING FOR ME.  She would rather have had to do with me than with the rascally Lambert — that’s a fact I have no doubt of.  That I understand; but her mistake was in letting Lambert at last understand it.  And it would not have suited him at all, if passing him by she had enticed the letter out of me and entered into a compact with me.  Moreover, at that time he had complete confidence in the “soundness of the job”; another man in his place would have had fears and still have been uncertain; but Lambert was young, insolent, and filled with impatient greed for gain; he knew little of human nature, and confidently assumed that all were scoundrels.  Such a man could have no doubts, especially as he had already observed all sorts of traits in Anna Andreyevna which supported his belief.

One last point, and the most important: did Versilov know anything by that time, and had he even then taken part with Lambert in any plan, however remote?  No, no, no, at that time he had not.  Though, perhaps, even then a fatal word had been dropped.  But enough, enough, I am hastening too far ahead.

Well, and what of me?  Did I know anything, and what did I know on the day I went out?  When I began this entrefilet I declared that I knew nothing on that day, but found out about everything much later, and only when it was all over.  That’s the truth, but is it the full truth?  No, it is not; I certainly knew something already, I knew a great deal, indeed.  But how?  Let the reader remember my DREAM!  If I could have had such a dream, if it could have surged up from my heart and taken that shape, I must have had, not a knowledge but a presentiment of a very great deal of what I have just explained, though in actual fact I only discovered it when everything was over.  I had no knowledge of it, but my heart was throbbing with forebodings, and evil spirits had possession of my dreams.  And it was to that man that I rushed, fully knowing what sort of man he was and foreseeing everything even in detail.  And why did I rush to him?  Imagine; it seems to me now at the very minute when I am writing that I knew exactly at the time why I was rushing to him, though, again, I knew nothing then.  Perhaps the reader will understand this.  Now to get on with my story, fact by fact.

2

It begins two days before my outburst, when Liza came home in the evening in a state of agitation.  She felt terribly humiliated and indeed something insufferable had happened to her.

I have already mentioned the terms she was on with Vassin.  She went to see him not simply to show us that she did not need us, but because she really had a high opinion of him.  Their acquaintance had begun at Luga, and I always fancied that Vassin was not indifferent to her, in the misfortunes that had overwhelmed her she might naturally have wished for the advice of a calm, resolute, always lofty mind such as she supposed Vassin’s to be.  Besides, women are not very clever in appreciating a man’s mind at its true value when they like a man; and they will gladly accept paradoxes as the closest reasoning, if they fall in with their own desires.  What Liza liked in Vassin was his sympathy for her in her position and, as she had fancied at first, his sympathy with Prince Sergay.  When, later on, she suspected his feeling for her, she could not help appreciating the sympathy he showed for his rival.  When she told Prince Sergay that she sometimes went to consult Vassin, he had from the first shown the greatest uneasiness; he began to be jealous.  Liza was offended at this, and purposely maintained her friendly relations with Vassin.  Prince Sergay said nothing, but was gloomy.  Liza confessed to me (long afterwards) that Vassin had very soon ceased to attract her; he was composed, and just this everlasting unruffled composure, which had so attracted her at first, afterwards seemed to her distasteful.  One would have thought he was practical, and he did, in fact, give her some apparently good advice, but all his advice, as ill-luck would have it, appeared later on impossible to carry out.  He gave his opinions sometimes too conceitedly, and showed no trace of diffidence with her, becoming more and more free in his manner as time went on, which she ascribed to his unconsciously feeling less and less respect for her position.  Once she thanked him for his invariable goodwill to me, and for talking to me as an intellectual equal though he was so superior to me (she was repeating my words).  He answered:

“That’s not so, and not for that reason.  It’s because I see no difference between him and other people.  I don’t consider him more foolish than the clever, or more evil than the good.  I treat every one alike because every one’s alike in my eyes.”

“Why, do you mean to say you see no differences?”

“Oh, of course, people are all different in one way or another, but differences don’t exist for me because the differences between people don’t concern me; to me they are all the same and everything’s the same; and so I’m equally kind to all.”

“And don’t you find it dull?”

“No, I’m always satisfied with myself.”

“And there’s nothing you desire?”

“Of course there is.  But nothing I desire very much.  There’s scarcely anything I want, not another rouble.  Whether I wear cloth of gold or remain as I am is all the same to me.  Cloth of gold would add nothing to me.  Tit-bits don’t tempt me.  Could places or honours be worth the place that I am worth?”

Liza declared on her honour that these were literally his words.  But it’s not fair to criticize them like this without knowing the circumstances under which they were uttered.

Little by little Liza came also to the conclusion that his indulgent attitude to Prince Sergay was not due to sympathy for her, but was perhaps only because “all were alike to him, and differences did not exist for him.”  But in the end he did apparently begin to lose his indifference, and to take up an attitude not only of disapproval, but even of contemptuous irony towards Prince Sergay.  This incensed Liza, but Vassin remained unaffected.  Above all, he always expressed himself gently, and showed no indignation even in his disapproval, but confined himself to logical exposition of her hero’s worthlessness; but there was irony in this very logic.  Finally he demonstrated almost directly the “irrationality,” the perverse violence of her love.  “Your feelings have been mistaken, and a mistake once recognized ought invariably to be corrected.”

This had happened on that very day; Liza indignantly got up from her place to go, but it will hardly be believed what this rational man did next, and how he concluded.  With the air of a man of honour, and even with feeling, he offered her his hand.  Liza bluntly called him a fool to his face and walked out.

To suggest deserting a man in misfortune because that man was “unworthy of her,” and above all to suggest it to a woman who was with child by that very man — there you have the mind of these people!  I call this being dreadfully theoretical and knowing nothing whatever of life, and put it down to a prodigious conceit.  And what’s more, Liza saw quite clearly that he was actually proud of his action, because he knew of her condition.  With tears of indignation she hurried off to Prince Sergay, and he positively surpassed Vassin.  One would have thought that after what she told him he might have been convinced that he had no cause for jealousy; but he became perfectly frantic.  But jealous people are always like that!  He made a fearful scene and insulted her so outrageously that she almost resolved to break off all relations with him.

She came home, however, still controlling herself, but she could not help telling mother.  Oh, that evening the ice was completely broken, and they were on their old affectionate terms again; both, of course, shed tears as usual in each other’s arms, and Liza apparently regained her composure, though she was very gloomy.  She sat through the evening in Makar Ivanovitch’s room, without uttering a word, but without leaving the room.  She listened very attentively to what he said.  Ever since the incident with the bench she had become extremely and, as it were, timidly respectful to him, though she still remained taciturn.

But this time Makar Ivanovitch suddenly gave an unexpected and wonderful turn to the conversation.  I may mention that Versilov and the doctor had talked of his health with very gloomy faces that morning.  I may mention, too, that we had for some days been talking a great deal about mother’s birthday, and making preparations to celebrate it in five days’ time.  Apropos of her birthday Makar Ivanovitch suddenly launched into reminiscences of mother’s childhood, and the time when she “couldn’t stand up on her little feet.”  “She was never out of my arms,” the old man recalled.  “I used to teach her to walk too sometimes.  I set her up in a corner three steps away and called her, and she used to totter across to me, and she wasn’t frightened, but would run to me laughing, she’d rush at me and throw her arms round my neck.  I used to tell you fairytales later on, Sofia Andreyevna; you were very fond of fairy tales, you’d sit on my knee listening for two hours at a stretch.  They used to wonder in the cottage, ‘just see how she’s taken to Makar.’  Or I’d carry you off into the woods, I’d seek out a raspberry-bush, I would sit you down by it, and cut you a whistle-pipe out of wood.  When we’d had a nice walk, I’d carry you home in my arms — and the little thing would fall asleep.  Once she was afraid of a wolf; she flew to me all of a tremble, and there wasn’t a wolf there at all.”

“I remember that,” said mother.

“Can you really remember it?”

“I remember a great deal.  Ever since I remember anything in life I have felt your love and tender care over me,” she said in a voice full of feeling, and she suddenly flushed crimson.

Makar Ivanovitch paused for a little.

“Forgive me, children, I am leaving you.  The term of my life is close at hand.  In my old age I have found consolation for all afflictions.  Thank you, my dear ones.”

“That’s enough, Makar Ivanovitch darling,” exclaimed Versilov in some agitation.  “The doctor told me just now that you were a great deal better. . . .”

Mother listened in alarm.

“Why, what does he know, your Alexandr Semyonovitch — he’s a dear man and nothing more.  Give over, friends, do you think that I’m afraid to die?  After my morning prayer to-day I had the feeling in my heart that I should never go out again from here; it was told me.  Well, what of it, blessed be the name of the Lord.  Yet I have a longing to be looking upon all of you still.  Job, after all his sufferings, was comforted looking upon his new children, and forgot the children that were gone — it is impossible!  Only with the years the sorrow is mingled with the joy and turned to sighs of gladness.  So it is in the world.  Every soul is tried and is comforted.  I thought, children, to say one little word to you,” he went on with a gentle, exquisite smile which I shall never forget, and he turned to me, “be zealous for the Holy Church, my dear, and if the time calls for it — die for her; but wait a bit, don’t be frightened, it won’t be at once,” he added, laughing.  “Now perhaps you don’t think of it, afterwards you will think of it.  And something more.  Any good thing you bethink yourself to do, do it for the sake of God and not for envy.  Stand firmly to your cause, and do not give way through any sort of cowardice; act steadily, neither rushing nor turning about; well, that is all I want to tell you.  Only accustom yourself to pray daily and unceasingly.  I say this now, maybe you’ll remember it.  I should like to say something to you, too, Andrey Petrovitch, sir, but God will find your heart without my words.  And for long years we have ceased to speak of that, ever since that arrow pierced my heart.  Now that I am departing I would only remind you of what you promised then. . . .”

He almost whispered the last words, with his eyes cast down.

“Makar Ivanovitch!” Versilov said in confusion, and he got up from his chair.

“There, there, don’t be troubled, sir, I only recalled it . . . and in the sight of God I am more to blame than any of you, seeing that though you were my master I ought not to have allowed this weakness, and therefore, Sofia, fret not your soul too much, for all your sin is mine, and you scarcely had full judgment in those days, so I fancy; nor maybe you either, sir,” he smiled with lips that quivered from some sort of pain, “and though I might then have taught you, my wife, even with the rod and indeed ought to have, yet I pitied you when you fell in tears before me, and hid nothing, and kissed my feet.  Not to reproach you have I recalled this, beloved, but only to remind Andrey Petrovitch . . . for you remember, sir, yourself your promise, as a nobleman, and all will be covered with the wedding crown.  I speak before the children, master . . .”

He was extremely agitated and looked at Versilov as though expecting from him some word of confirmation.  I repeat it was all so sudden, so unexpected, that I sat motionless.  Versilov was no less agitated: he went up to mother in silence and warmly embraced her; then mother, also in silence, went up to Makar Ivanovitch and bowed down to his feet.

In short the scene was overwhelming; on this occasion we were by ourselves.  Even Tatyana Pavlovna was not present.  Liza drew herself up in her chair and listened in silence; suddenly she stood up and said firmly to Makar Ivanovitch:

“Bless me, too, Makar Ivanovitch for my great anguish.  To morrow will decide my whole fate, and you will pray for me to-day.”

And she went out of the room.  I knew that Makar Ivanovitch knew all about her already from mother.  But it was the first time I had seen mother and Versilov side by side: till then I had only seen her as his slave near him.  There was still so much I did not understand and had not detected in that man whom I had condemned, and so I went back to my room in confusion.  And it must be said that it was just at this time that my perplexity about him was greatest.  He had never seemed to me so mysterious and unfathomable as just at that time; but it’s just about that that I’m writing this whole account; all in its good time.