Complete Works of Bram Stoker (581 page)

“‘Yes, it grows late, and I have some business to transact to-morrow, so I must leave.’  —  ’I will accompany you part of the way home,’ said I, ‘and then I shall have finished the night.’

“I did leave with him, and accompanied him home, and then walked to my own home.”

“This was my first visit, and I thought a propitious beginning, but it was the more dangerous. Perhaps a loss might have effectually deterred me, but it is doubtful to tell how certain events might have been altered. It is just possible that I might have been urged on by my desire to retrieve any loss I might have incurred, and so made myself at once the miserable being it took months to accomplish in bringing me to.

“I went the day but one after this, to meet the same individual at the gambling-table, and played some time with varied success, until I left off with a trifling loss upon the night’s play, which was nothing of any consequence.

“Thus matters went on; I sometimes won and sometimes lost, until I won a few hundreds, and this determined me to play for higher stakes than any I had yet played for.

“It was no use going on in the peddling style I had been going on; I had won two hundred and fifty pounds in three months, and had I been less fearful I might have had twenty-five thousand pounds. Ah! I’ll try my fortune at a higher game.

“Having once made this resolution, I was anxious to begin my new plan, which I hoped would have the effect of placing me far above my then present position in society, which was good, and with a little attention it would have made me an independent man; but then it required patience, and nothing more. However, the other method was so superior since it might all be done with good luck in a few months. Ah! good luck; how uncertain is good luck; how changeful is fortune; how soon is the best prospect blighted by the frosts of adversity. In less than a month I had lost more than I could pay, and then I gambled on for a living.

“My wife had but one child; her first and only one; an infant at her breast; but there was a change came over her; for one had come over me  —  a fearful one it was too  —  one not only in manner but in fortune too. She would beg me to come home early; to attend to other matters, and leave the dreadful life I was then leading.

“‘Lizzy,’ said I, ‘we are ruined.’  —  ’Ruined!’ she exclaimed, and staggered back, until she fell into a seat. ‘Ruined!’

“‘Ay, ruined. It is a short word, but expressive.’  —  ’No, no, we are not ruined. I know what you mean, you would say, we cannot live as we have lived; we must retrench, and so we will, right willingly.’

“‘You must retrench most wonderfully,’ I said, with desperate calmness, ‘for the murder must out.’  —  ’And so we will; but you will be with us; you will not go out night after night, ruining your health, our happiness, and destroying both peace and prospects.’

“‘No, no, Lizzy, we have no chance of recovering ourselves; house and home  —  all gone  —  all, all.’  —  ’My God!’ she exclaimed.

“‘Ay, rail on,’ said I; ‘you have cause enough; but, no matter  —  we have lost all.’  —  ’How  —  how?’

“‘It is useless to ask how; I have done, and there is an end of the matter; you shall know more another day; we must leave this house for a lodging.’  —  ’It matters little,’ she said; ‘all may be won again, if you will but say you will quit the society of those who have ruined you.’

“‘No one,’ said I, ‘has ruined me; I did it; it was no fault of any one else’s; I have not that excuse.’  —  ’I am sure you can recover.’

“‘I may; some day fortune will shower her favours upon me, and I live on in that expectation.’  —  ’You cannot mean that you will chance the gaming-table? for I am sure you must have lost all there?’

“‘I have.’  —  ’God help me,’ she said; ‘you have done your child a wrong, but you may repair it yet.’

“‘Never!’  —  ’’Tis a long day! let me implore you, on my knees, to leave this place, and adopt some other mode of life; we can be careful; a little will do, and we shall, in time, be equal to, and better than what we have been.’

“‘We never can, save by chance.’  —  ’And by chance we never shall,’ she replied; ‘if you will exert yourself, we may yet retrieve ourselves.’

“‘And exert myself I will.’  —  ’And quit the gaming-table?’

“‘Ask me to make no promises,’ said I; ‘I may not be able to keep them; therefore, ask me to make none.’  —  ’I do ask you, beg of, entreat of you to promise, and solemnly promise me that you will leave that fearful place, where men not only lose all their goods, but the feelings of nature also.’

“‘Say no more, Lizzy; if I can get a living elsewhere I will, but if not, I must get it there.’

“She seemed to be cast down at this, and she shed tears. I left the room, and again went to the gambling-house, and there that night, I won a few pounds, which enabled me to take my wife and child away from the house they had so long lived in, and took them afterwards to a miserable place,  —  one room, where, indeed, there were a few articles of furniture that I had saved from the general wreck of my own property.

“She took things much less to heart than I could have anticipated; she seemed cheerful and happy,  —  she endeavoured to make my home as comfortable as she could.

“Her whole endeavour was to make me as much as possible, forget the past. She wanted, as much as possible, to wean me away from my gambling pursuits, but that was impossible. I had no hope, no other prospect.

“Thus she strove, but I could see each day she was getting paler, and more pale; her figure, before round, was more thin, and betrayed signs of emaciation. This preyed upon me; and, when fortune denied me the means of carrying home that which she so much wanted, I could never return for two days at a time. Then I would find her shedding tears, and sighing; what could I say? If I had anything to take her, then I used to endeavour to make her forget that I had been away.

“‘Ah!’ she would exclaim, ‘you will find me dead one of these days; what you do now for one or two days, you will do by-and-bye for many days, perhaps weeks.’  —  ’Do not anticipate evil.’

“‘I cannot do otherwise; were you in any other kind of employment but that of gambling,’ she said, ‘I should have some hope of you; but, as it is, there is none.’  —  ’Speak not of it; my chances may turn out favourable yet, and you may be again as you were.’

“‘Never.’  —  ’But fortune is inconstant, and may change in my favour as much as she has done in others.’

“‘Fortune is indeed constant, but misfortune is as inconstant.’  —  ’You are prophetic of evil.”

“‘Ah! I would to Heaven I could predict good; but who ever yet heard of a ruined gambler being able to retrieve himself by the same means that he was ruined?’

“Thus we used to converse, but our conversation was usually of but little comfort to either of us, for we could give neither any comfort to the other; and as that was usually the case, our interviews became less frequent, and of less duration. My answer was always the same.

“‘I have no other chance; my prospects are limited to that one place; deprive me of that, and I never more should be able to bring you a mouthful of bread.’

“Day after day,  —  day after day, the same result followed, and I was as far from success as ever I was, and ever should be; I was yet a beggar.

“The time flew by; my little girl was nearly four years old, but she knew not the misery her father and mother had to endure. The poor little thing sometimes went without more than a meal a day; and while I was living thus upon the town, upon the chances of the gaming-table, many a pang did she cause me, and so did her mother. My constant consolation was this,  — 

“‘It is bad luck now,’ I would say; ‘but will be better by-and-bye; things cannot always continue thus. It is all for them  —  all for them.’

“I thought that by continuing constantly in one course, I must be at land at the ebb of the tide. ‘It cannot always flow one way,’ I thought. I had often heard people say that if you could but have the resolution to play on, you must in the end seize the turn of fortune.

“‘If I could but once do that, I would never enter a hell again as long as I drew breath.’

“This was a resolve I could not only make but keep, because I had suffered so much that I would never run through the same misery again that I had already gone through. However, fortune never seemed inclined to take the turn I had hoped for; fortune was as far off as ever, and had in no case given me any opportunity of recovering myself.

“A few pounds were the utmost I could at any time muster, and I had to keep up something of an appearance, and seem as if I had a thousand a year; when, God knows, I could not have mustered a thousandth part of that sum, were all done and paid for.

“Day after day passed on, and yet no change. I had almost given myself up to despair, when one night when I went home I saw my wife was more than usually melancholy and sad, and perhaps ill; I didn’t look at her  —  I seldom did, because her looks were always a reproach to me; I could not help feeling them so.

“‘Well,’ said I, ‘I have come home to you because I have something to bring you; not what I ought  —  but what I can  —  you must be satisfied!’  —  ’I am,’ she said.

“‘I know also you want it; how is the child, is she quite well?’  —  ’Yes, quite.’

“‘Where is she?’ inquired I, looking round the room, but I didn’t see her; she used to be up.  —  ’She has gone to bed,’ she said.

“‘It is very early.’  —  ’Yes, but she cried so for food that I was obliged to get her to sleep to forget her hunger: poor thing, she has wanted bread very badly.’

“‘Poor thing!’ I said, ‘let her be awakened and partake of what I have brought home.’

“With that my wife waked her up, and the moment she opened her eyes she again began to cry for food, which I immediately gave her and saw her devour with the utmost haste and hunger. The sight smote my heart, and my wife sat by watching, and endeavouring to prevent her from eating so fast.

“‘This is bad,’ I said.  —  ’Yes, but I hope it may be the worst,’ she replied, in a deep and hollow voice.

“‘Lizzy,’ I exclaimed, ‘what is the matter  —  are you ill?’  —  ’Yes, very ill.’

“‘What is the matter with you? For God’s sake tell me,’ I said, for I was alarmed.  —  ’I am very ill,’ she said, ‘very ill indeed; I feel my strength decreasing every day. I must drink.’

“You, too, want food?’  —  ’I have and perhaps do, though the desire to eat seems almost to have left me.’

“‘For Heaven’s sake eat,’ said I; ‘I will bring you home something more by to-morrow; eat and drink Lizzy. I have suffered; but for you and your child’s sake, I will do my best.’  —  ’Your best,’ she said, ‘will kill us both; but, alas, there is no other aid at hand. You may one day, however, come here too late to find us living.’

“‘Say no more, Lizzy, you know not my feelings when you speak thus; alas, I have no hope  —  no aid  —  no friend.’  —  ’No,’ she replied, ‘your love of gaming drove them from you, because they would not aid a gambler.’

“‘Say no more, Lizzy,’ I said; ‘if there be not an end to this life soon, there will be an end to me. In two days more I shall return to you. Good bye; God bless you. Keep up your heart and the child.’  —  ’Good bye,’ she said, sorrowfully. She shed tears, and wrung her hands bitterly. I hastened away  —  my heart was ready to burst, and I could not speak.

“I walked about to recover my serenity, but could not do so sufficiently well to secure anything like an appearance that would render me fit to go to the gaming-house. That night I remained away, but I could not avoid falling into a debauch to drown my misfortunes, and shift the scene of misery that was continually before my eyes.”

“The next night I was at the gaming-house. I went there in better than usual spirits. I saw, I thought, a change in fortune, and hailed that as the propitious moment of my life, when I was to rise above my present misfortunes.

“I played and won  —  played and lost  —  played and won, and then lost again; thus I went on, fluctuating more and more, until I found I was getting money in my pocket. I had, at one moment more than three hundred pounds in my pocket, and I felt that then was my happy moment  —  then the tide of fortune was going in my favour. I ought to have left off with that  —  to have been satisfied with such an amount of money; but the demon of avarice seemed to have possessed me, and I went on and on with fluctuating fortune, until I lost the whole of it.

“I was mad  —  desperate, and could have destroyed myself; but I thought of the state my wife and child were in; I thought that that night they would want food; but they could not hurt for one day  —  they must have some, or would procure some.

“I was too far gone to be able to go to them, even if I were possessed of means; but I had none, and daylight saw me in a deep sleep, from which I awoke not until the next evening let in, and then I once more determined that I would make a desperate attempt to get a little money. I had always paid, and thought my word would be taken for once; and, if I won, all well and good; if not, then I was no worse off than before.

“This was easy to plan, but not to execute. I went there, but there were none present in whom I had sufficient interest to dare make the attempt. I walked about, and felt in a most uncomfortable state. I feared I should not succeed at all, then what was to become of me  —  of my wife and child? This rendered me almost mad. I could not understand what I was to do, what to attempt, or where to go. One or two persons came up, and asked me if I were ill. My answers were, that I was well enough. Good God! how far from the truth was that; but I found I must place more control on my feelings, else I should cause much conversation, and then I should lose all hope of recovering myself, and all prospect of living, even.

“At length some one did come in, and I remarked I had been there all the evening and had not played. I had an invitation to play with him, which ended, by a little sleight of hand, in my favour; and on that I had calculated as much as on any good fortune I might meet. The person I played with observed it not, and, when we left off playing, I had some six or seven pounds in pocket. This, to me, was a very great sum; and, the moment I could decently withdraw myself, I ran off home.