Complete Plays, The (399 page)

Conrade

I wonder at it.

Borachio

That shows thou art unconfirmed. Thou knowest that the fashion of a doublet, or a hat, or a cloak, is nothing to a man.

Conrade

Yes, it is apparel.

Borachio

I mean, the fashion.

Conrade

Yes, the fashion is the fashion.

Borachio

Tush! I may as well say the fool’s the fool. But seest thou not what a deformed thief this fashion is?

Watchman

[Aside]
 
I know that Deformed; a’ has been a vile thief this seven year; a’ goes up and down like a gentleman: I remember his name.

Borachio

Didst thou not hear somebody?

Conrade

No; ’twas the vane on the house.

Borachio

Seest thou not, I say, what a deformed thief this fashion is? how giddily a’ turns about all the hot bloods between fourteen and five-and-thirty? sometimes fashioning them like Pharaoh’s soldiers in the reeky painting, sometime like god Bel’s priests in the old church-window, sometime like the shaven Hercules in the smirched worm-eaten tapestry, where his codpiece seems as massy as his club?

Conrade

All this I see; and I see that the fashion wears out more apparel than the man. But art not thou thyself giddy with the fashion too, that thou hast shifted out of thy tale into telling me of the fashion?

Borachio

Not so, neither: but know that I have to-night wooed Margaret, the Lady Hero’s gentlewoman, by the name of Hero: she leans me out at her mistress’ chamber-window, bids me a thousand times good night,— I tell this tale vilely:— I should first tell thee how the prince, Claudio and my master, planted and placed and possessed by my master Don John, saw afar off in the orchard this amiable encounter.

Conrade

And thought they Margaret was Hero?

Borachio

Two of them did, the prince and Claudio; but the devil my master knew she was Margaret; and partly by his oaths, which first possessed them, partly by the dark night, which did deceive them, but chiefly by my villany, which did confirm any slander that Don John had made, away went Claudio enraged; swore he would meet her, as he was appointed, next morning at the temple, and there, before the whole congregation, shame her with what he saw o’er night and send her home again without a husband.

First Watchman

We charge you, in the prince’s name, stand!

Second Watchman

Call up the right master constable. We have here recovered the most dangerous piece of lechery that ever was known in the commonwealth.

First Watchman

And one Deformed is one of them: I know him; a’ wears a lock.

Conrade

Masters, masters,—

Second Watchman

You’ll be made bring Deformed forth, I warrant you.

Conrade

Masters,—

First Watchman

Never speak: we charge you let us obey you to go with us.

Borachio

We are like to prove a goodly commodity, being taken up of these men’s bills.

Conrade

A commodity in question, I warrant you. Come, we’ll obey you.

Exeunt

S
CENE
IV. H
ERO
’
S
APARTMENT
.

Enter Hero, Margaret, and Ursula

Hero

Good Ursula, wake my cousin Beatrice, and desire her to rise.

Ursula

I will, lady.

Hero

And bid her come hither.

Ursula

Well.

Exit

Margaret

Troth, I think your other rabato were better.

Hero

No, pray thee, good Meg, I’ll wear this.

Margaret

By my troth, ’s not so good; and I warrant your cousin will say so.

Hero

My cousin’s a fool, and thou art another: I’ll wear none but this.

Margaret

I like the new tire within excellently, if the hair were a thought browner; and your gown’s a most rare fashion, i’ faith. I saw the Duchess of Milan’s gown that they praise so.

Hero

O, that exceeds, they say.

Margaret

By my troth, ’s but a night-gown in respect of yours: cloth o’ gold, and cuts, and laced with silver, set with pearls, down sleeves, side sleeves, and skirts, round underborne with a bluish tinsel: but for a fine, quaint, graceful and excellent fashion, yours is worth ten on ’t.

Hero

God give me joy to wear it! for my heart is exceeding heavy.

Margaret

’Twill be heavier soon by the weight of a man.

Hero

Fie upon thee! art not ashamed?

Margaret

Of what, lady? of speaking honourably? Is not marriage honourable in a beggar? Is not your lord honourable without marriage? I think you would have me say, ‘saving your reverence, a husband:’ and bad thinking do not wrest true speaking, I’ll offend nobody: is there any harm in ‘the heavier for a husband’? None, I think, and it be the right husband and the right wife; otherwise ’tis light, and not heavy: ask my Lady Beatrice else; here she comes.

Enter Beatrice

Hero

Good morrow, coz.

Beatrice

Good morrow, sweet Hero.

Hero

Why how now? do you speak in the sick tune?

Beatrice

I am out of all other tune, methinks.

Margaret

Clap’s into ‘Light o’ love;’ that goes without a burden: do you sing it, and I’ll dance it.

Beatrice

Ye light o’ love, with your heels! then, if your husband have stables enough, you’ll see he shall lack no barns.

Margaret

O illegitimate construction! I scorn that with my heels.

Beatrice

’Tis almost five o’clock, cousin; tis time you were ready. By my troth, I am exceeding ill: heigh-ho!

Margaret

For a hawk, a horse, or a husband?

Beatrice

For the letter that begins them all, H.

Margaret

Well, and you be not turned Turk, there’s no more sailing by the star.

Beatrice

What means the fool, trow?

Margaret

Nothing I; but God send every one their heart’s desire!

Hero

These gloves the count sent me; they are an excellent perfume.

Beatrice

I am stuffed, cousin; I cannot smell.

Margaret

A maid, and stuffed! there’s goodly catching of cold.

Beatrice

O, God help me! God help me! how long have you professed apprehension?

Margaret

Even since you left it. Doth not my wit become me rarely?

Beatrice

It is not seen enough, you should wear it in your cap. By my troth, I am sick.

Margaret

Get you some of this distilled Carduus Benedictus, and lay it to your heart: it is the only thing for a qualm.

Hero

There thou prickest her with a thistle.

Beatrice

Benedictus! why Benedictus? you have some moral in this Benedictus.

Margaret

Moral! no, by my troth, I have no moral meaning; I meant, plain holy-thistle. You may think perchance that I think you are in love: nay, by’r lady, I am not such a fool to think what I list, nor I list not to think what I can, nor indeed I cannot think, if I would think my heart out of thinking, that you are in love or that you will be in love or that you can be in love. Yet Benedick was such another, and now is he become a man: he swore he would never marry, and yet now, in despite of his heart, he eats his meat without grudging: and how you may be converted I know not, but methinks you look with your eyes as other women do.

Beatrice

What pace is this that thy tongue keeps?

Margaret

Not a false gallop.

Re-enter Ursula

Ursula

Madam, withdraw: the prince, the count, Signior Benedick, Don John, and all the gallants of the town, are come to fetch you to church.

Hero

Help to dress me, good coz, good Meg, good Ursula.

Exeunt

S
CENE
V. A
NOTHER
ROOM
IN
L
EONATO
’
S
HOUSE
.

Enter Leonato, with Dogberry and Verges

Leonato

What would you with me, honest neighbour?

Dogberry

Marry, sir, I would have some confidence with you that decerns you nearly.

Leonato

Brief, I pray you; for you see it is a busy time with me.

Dogberry

Marry, this it is, sir.

Verges

Yes, in truth it is, sir.

Leonato

What is it, my good friends?

Dogberry

Goodman Verges, sir, speaks a little off the matter: an old man, sir, and his wits are not so blunt as, God help, I would desire they were; but, in faith, honest as the skin between his brows.

Verges

Yes, I thank God I am as honest as any man living that is an old man and no honester than I.

Dogberry

Comparisons are odorous: palabras, neighbour Verges.

Leonato

Neighbours, you are tedious.

Dogberry

It pleases your worship to say so, but we are the poor duke’s officers; but truly, for mine own part, if I were as tedious as a king, I could find it in my heart to bestow it all of your worship.

Leonato

All thy tediousness on me, ah?

Dogberry

Yea, an ’twere a thousand pound more than ’tis; for I hear as good exclamation on your worship as of any man in the city; and though I be but a poor man, I am glad to hear it.

Verges

And so am I.

Leonato

I would fain know what you have to say.

Verges

Marry, sir, our watch to-night, excepting your worship’s presence, ha’ ta’en a couple of as arrant knaves as any in Messina.

Dogberry

A good old man, sir; he will be talking: as they say, when the age is in, the wit is out: God help us! it is a world to see. Well said, i’ faith, neighbour Verges: well, God’s a good man; an two men ride of a horse, one must ride behind. An honest soul, i’ faith, sir; by my troth he is, as ever broke bread; but God is to be worshipped; all men are not alike; alas, good neighbour!

Leonato

Indeed, neighbour, he comes too short of you.

Dogberry

Gifts that God gives.

Leonato

I must leave you.

Dogberry

One word, sir: our watch, sir, have indeed comprehended two aspicious persons, and we would have them this morning examined before your worship.

Leonato

Take their examination yourself and bring it me: I am now in great haste, as it may appear unto you.

Dogberry

It shall be suffigance.

Leonato

Drink some wine ere you go: fare you well.

Enter a Messenger

Messenger

My lord, they stay for you to give your daughter to her husband.

Leonato

I’ll wait upon them: I am ready.

Exeunt Leonato and Messenger

Dogberry

Go, good partner, go, get you to Francis Seacole; bid him bring his pen and inkhorn to the gaol: we are now to examination these men.

Verges

And we must do it wisely.

Dogberry

We will spare for no wit, I warrant you; here’s that shall drive some of them to a non-come: only get the learned writer to set down our excommunication and meet me at the gaol.

Exeunt

A
CT
IV

S
CENE
I. A
CHURCH
.

Enter Don Pedro, Don John, Leonato, Friar Francis, Claudio, Benedick, Hero, Beatrice, and Attendants

Leonato

Come, Friar Francis, be brief; only to the plain form of marriage, and you shall recount their particular duties afterwards.

Friar Francis

You come hither, my lord, to marry this lady.

Claudio

No.

Leonato

To be married to her: friar, you come to marry her.

Friar Francis

Lady, you come hither to be married to this count.

Hero

I do.

Friar Francis

If either of you know any inward impediment why you should not be conjoined, charge you, on your souls, to utter it.

Claudio

Know you any, Hero?

Hero

None, my lord.

Friar Francis

Know you any, count?

Leonato

I dare make his answer, none.

Claudio

O, what men dare do! what men may do! what men daily do, not knowing what they do!

Benedick

How now! interjections? Why, then, some be of laughing, as, ah, ha, he!

Claudio

Stand thee by, friar. Father, by your leave:
Will you with free and unconstrained soul
Give me this maid, your daughter?

Leonato

As freely, son, as God did give her me.

Claudio

And what have I to give you back, whose worth
May counterpoise this rich and precious gift?

Don Pedro

Nothing, unless you render her again.