Complete Plays, The (224 page)

Northumberland

Beshrew your heart,
Fair daughter, you do draw my spirits from me
With new lamenting ancient oversights.
But I must go and meet with danger there,
Or it will seek me in another place
And find me worse provided.
Lady

Northumberland

O, fly to Scotland,
Till that the nobles and the armed commons
Have of their puissance made a little taste.

Lady Percy

If they get ground and vantage of the king,
Then join you with them, like a rib of steel,
To make strength stronger; but, for all our loves,
First let them try themselves. So did your son;
He was so suffer’d: so came I a widow;
And never shall have length of life enough
To rain upon remembrance with mine eyes,
That it may grow and sprout as high as heaven,
For recordation to my noble husband.

Northumberland

Come, come, go in with me. ’Tis with my mind
As with the tide swell’d up unto his height,
That makes a still-stand, running neither way:
Fain would I go to meet the archbishop,
But many thousand reasons hold me back.
I will resolve for Scotland: there am I,
Till time and vantage crave my company.

Exeunt

S
CENE
IV. L
ONDON
. T
HE
B
OAR
’
S
-
HEAD
T
AVERN
IN
E
ASTCHEAP
.

Enter two Drawers

First Drawer

What the devil hast thou brought there? apple-johns? thou knowest Sir John cannot endure an apple-john.

Second Drawer

Mass, thou sayest true. The prince once set a dish of apple-johns before him, and told him there were five more Sir Johns, and, putting off his hat, said ‘I will now take my leave of these six dry, round, old, withered knights.’ It angered him to the heart: but he hath forgot that.

First Drawer

Why, then, cover, and set them down: and see if thou canst find out Sneak’s noise; Mistress Tearsheet would fain hear some music. Dispatch: the room where they supped is too hot; they’ll come in straight.

Second Drawer

Sirrah, here will be the prince and Master Poins anon; and they will put on two of our jerkins and aprons; and Sir John must not know of it: Bardolph hath brought word.

First Drawer

By the mass, here will be old Utis: it will be an excellent stratagem.

Second Drawer

I’ll see if I can find out Sneak.

Exit

Enter Mistress Quickly and Doll Tearsheet

Mistress Quickly

I’ faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in an excellent good temperality: your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily as heart would desire; and your colour, I warrant you, is as red as any rose, in good truth, la! But, i’ faith, you have drunk too much canaries; and that’s a marvellous searching wine, and it perfumes the blood ere one can say ‘What’s this?’ How do you now?

Doll Tearsheet

Better than I was: hem!

Mistress Quickly

Why, that’s well said; a good heart’s worth gold.
Lo, here comes Sir John.

Enter Falstaff

Falstaff

[Singing]
 
‘When Arthur first in court,’
—
Empty the jordan.

Exit First Drawer

Singing

—
’And was a worthy king.’ How now, Mistress Doll!

Mistress Quickly

Sick of a calm; yea, good faith.

Falstaff

So is all her sect; an they be once in a calm, they are sick.

Doll Tearsheet

You muddy rascal, is that all the comfort you give me?

Falstaff

You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.

Doll Tearsheet

I make them! gluttony and diseases make them; I make them not.

Falstaff

If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to make the diseases, Doll: we catch of you, Doll, we catch of you; grant that, my poor virtue grant that.

Doll Tearsheet

Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels.

Falstaff

‘Your broaches, pearls, and ouches:’ for to serve bravely is to come halting off, you know: to come off the breach with his pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely; to venture upon the charged chambers bravely,—

Doll Tearsheet

Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself!

Mistress Quickly

By my troth, this is the old fashion; you two never meet but you fall to some discord: you are both, i’ good truth, as rheumatic as two dry toasts; you cannot one bear with another’s confirmities. What the good-year! one must bear, and that must be you: you are the weaker vessel, as they say, the emptier vessel.

Doll Tearsheet

Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogshead? there’s a whole merchant’s venture of Bourdeaux stuff in him; you have not seen a hulk better stuffed in the hold. Come, I’ll be friends with thee, Jack: thou art going to the wars; and whether I shall ever see thee again or no, there is nobody cares.

Re-enter First Drawer

First Drawer

Sir, Ancient Pistol’s below, and would speak with you.

Doll Tearsheet

Hang him, swaggering rascal! let him not come hither: it is the foul-mouthed’st rogue in England.

Mistress Quickly

If he swagger, let him not come here: no, by my faith; I must live among my neighbours: I’ll no swaggerers: I am in good name and fame with the very best: shut the door; there comes no swaggerers here: I have not lived all this while, to have swaggering now: shut the door, I pray you.

Falstaff

Dost thou hear, hostess?

Mistress Quickly

Pray ye, pacify yourself, Sir John: there comes no swaggerers here.

Falstaff

Dost thou hear? it is mine ancient.

Mistress Quickly

Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne’er tell me: your ancient swaggerer comes not in my doors. I was before Master Tisick, the debuty, t’other day; and, as he said to me, ’twas no longer ago than Wednesday last, ‘I’ good faith, neighbour Quickly,’ says he; Master Dumbe, our minister, was by then; ‘neighbour Quickly,’ says he, ‘receive those that are civil; for,’ said he, ‘you are in an ill name:’ now a’ said so, I can tell whereupon; ‘for,’ says he, ‘you are an honest woman, and well thought on; therefore take heed what guests you receive: receive,’ says he, ‘no swaggering companions.’ There comes none here: you would bless you to hear what he said: no, I’ll no swaggerers.

Falstaff

He’s no swaggerer, hostess; a tame cheater, i’ faith; you may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound: he’ll not swagger with a Barbary hen, if her feathers turn back in any show of resistance. Call him up, drawer.

Exit First Drawer

Mistress Quickly

Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest man my house, nor no cheater: but I do not love swaggering, by my troth; I am the worse, when one says swagger: feel, masters, how I shake; look you, I warrant you.

Doll Tearsheet

So you do, hostess.

Mistress Quickly

Do I? yea, in very truth, do I, an ’twere an aspen leaf: I cannot abide swaggerers.

Enter Pistol, Bardolph, and Page

Pistol

God save you, Sir John!

Falstaff

Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge you with a cup of sack: do you discharge upon mine hostess.

Pistol

I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets.

Falstaff

She is Pistol-proof, sir; you shall hardly offend her.

Mistress Quickly

Come, I’ll drink no proofs nor no bullets: I’ll drink no more than will do me good, for no man’s pleasure, I.

Pistol

Then to you, Mistress Dorothy; I will charge you.

Doll Tearsheet

Charge me! I scorn you, scurvy companion. What! you poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away, you mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for your master.

Pistol

I know you, Mistress Dorothy.

Doll Tearsheet

Away, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy bung, away! by this wine, I’ll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps, an you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale rascal! you basket-hilt stale juggler, you! Since when, I pray you, sir? God’s light, with two points on your shoulder? much!

Pistol

God let me not live, but I will murder your ruff for this.

Falstaff

No more, Pistol; I would not have you go off here: discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.

Mistress Quickly

No, Good Captain Pistol; not here, sweet captain.

Doll Tearsheet

Captain! thou abominable damned cheater, art thou not ashamed to be called captain? An captains were of my mind, they would truncheon you out, for taking their names upon you before you have earned them. You a captain! you slave, for what? for tearing a poor whore’s ruff in a bawdy-house? He a captain! hang him, rogue! he lives upon mouldy stewed prunes and dried cakes. A captain! God’s light, these villains will make the word as odious as the word ‘occupy;’ which was an excellent good word before it was ill sorted: therefore captains had need look to ’t.

Bardolph

Pray thee, go down, good ancient.

Falstaff

Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.

Pistol

Not I I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I could tear her: I’ll be revenged of her.

Page

Pray thee, go down.

Pistol

I’ll see her damned first; to Pluto’s damned lake, by this hand, to the infernal deep, with Erebus and tortures vile also. Hold hook and line, say I. Down, down, dogs! down, faitors! Have we not Hiren here?

Mistress Quickly

Good Captain Peesel, be quiet; ’tis very late, i’ faith: I beseek you now, aggravate your choler.

Pistol

These be good humours, indeed! Shall pack-horses
And hollow pamper’d jades of Asia,
Which cannot go but thirty mile a-day,
Compare with Caesars, and with Cannibals,
And Trojan Greeks? nay, rather damn them with
King Cerberus; and let the welkin roar.
Shall we fall foul for toys?

Mistress Quickly

By my troth, captain, these are very bitter words.

Bardolph

Be gone, good ancient: this will grow to abrawl anon.

Pistol

Die men like dogs! give crowns like pins! Have we not Heren here?

Mistress Quickly

O’ my word, captain, there’s none such here. What the good-year! do you think I would deny her? For God’s sake, be quiet.

Pistol

Then feed, and be fat, my fair Calipolis.
Come, give’s some sack.
‘si fortune me tormente, sperato me contento.’
Fear we broadsides? no, let the fiend give fire:
Give me some sack: and, sweetheart, lie thou there.

Laying down his sword

Come we to full points here; and are etceteras nothing?

Falstaff

Pistol, I would be quiet.

Pistol

Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf: what! we have seen the seven stars.

Doll Tearsheet

For God’s sake, thrust him down stairs: I cannot endure such a fustian rascal.

Pistol

Thrust him down stairs! know we not Galloway nags?

Falstaff

Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat shilling: nay, an a’ do nothing but speak nothing, a’ shall be nothing here.

Bardolph

Come, get you down stairs.

Pistol

What! shall we have incision? shall we imbrue?

Snatching up his sword

Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days!
Why, then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds
Untwine the Sisters Three! Come, Atropos, I say!

Mistress Quickly

Here’s goodly stuff toward!

Falstaff

Give me my rapier, boy.

Doll Tearsheet

I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee, do not draw.

Falstaff

Get you down stairs.

Drawing, and driving Pistol out

Mistress Quickly

Here’s a goodly tumult! I’ll forswear keeping house, afore I’ll be in these tirrits and frights. So; murder, I warrant now. Alas, alas! put up your naked weapons, put up your naked weapons.

Exeunt Pistol and Bardolph

Doll Tearsheet

I pray thee, Jack, be quiet; the rascal’s gone.
Ah, you whoreson little valiant villain, you!

Mistress Quickly

He you not hurt i’ the groin? methought a’ made a shrewd thrust at your belly.

Re-enter Bardolph

Falstaff

Have you turned him out o’ doors?

Bardolph

Yea, sir. The rascal’s drunk: you have hurt him, sir, i’ the shoulder.

Falstaff

A rascal! to brave me!

Doll Tearsheet

Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! alas, poor ape, how thou sweatest! come, let me wipe thy face; come on, you whoreson chops: ah, rogue! i’faith, I love thee: thou art as valorous as Hector of Troy, worth five of Agamemnon, and ten times better than the Nine Worthies: ah, villain!

Falstaff

A rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket.

Doll Tearsheet

Do, an thou darest for thy heart: an thou dost,
I’ll canvass thee between a pair of sheets.

Enter Music

Page

The music is come, sir.

Falstaff

Let them play. Play, sirs. Sit on my knee, Doll. A rascal bragging slave! the rogue fled from me like quicksilver.