Comeback (20 page)

Then our conversation took another turn, when he filled me in on how devastated they had all been when Gabe was killed in combat, and about the summer Nicky had gone home to Sweden after letting his teammates down and then had to watch his father die.

Instead of dwelling on the darkness that could have overtaken us after all that, he wanted to know more about me, too. There wasn’t really a lot of laughter in the things I could tell him of my past, though.

I told him how my father would wake us up in the middle of the night because he was drunk, not to surprise us with ice cream. How when he was drinking, he would make inappropriate comments about my body, things a father should never say to a daughter, making me want to hide myself from the world for many years, and that I’d only become comfortable with my own body when I was in my mid-twenties—one of the few positives to come of my marriage. I told him how Mom would clean up after Dad, doing everything she could to present the image of the perfect family to the outside world, when in truth, we were very broken and she was only allowing him to continue breaking us further.

“Still?” he asked.

“Still. I know she loves him and she thinks she’s helping him. Really, she’s just enabling him.”

“Promise me something.”

“What?” I was more curious than concerned about whatever he would ask of me.

“I don’t know where we’re headed, but promise me you’ll never try to hide it if I…” His voice trailed off, but there was no need for him to finish. I knew exactly where he was going with it.

“I won’t enable you. Ever.” I couldn’t. It just wasn’t in me, after all I’d been through.

Nicky wanted to hear more, so I told him about coming home from a football game when I was in high school and finding Darren and his friends crashed all over the living room on a bad acid trip. I’d had to call 9-1-1 because I’d thought a couple of them might actually die, Darren included. Then I told him about Jennie Burton, who had been my best friend from our very first day of school, and how she’d been right by my side through all the issues with my father and with Darren. We’d chosen to go to the same university so we could still be together, and she’d gone to a fraternity party one night and overdosed, and I’d had to call her parents to tell them how Jennie had died. I told him how Steve had changed, how he’d started drinking heavily after losing his job, and when he was drunk he would alternately cry all over me and yell and scream at me so much I feared he might hit me. How he wouldn’t get help.

“How can you stand to be with me after all that?” Nicky asked at one point. “Or work with addicts? I don’t know how you’re strong enough to do it.”

I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to
not
do it, but I didn’t know how to explain that to myself, let alone to someone else. “I think it would be harder to just turn my back,” I said, a feeble attempt at explaining, but it was the best I could do in the present circumstances.

He seemed to think that was good enough, at least for the time being. The neon lights of his alarm clock showed it was well past three in the morning, but neither of us seemed inclined to go to sleep. My eyes were heavy and my throat was scratchy from how long we had lain together and talked, but I wasn’t ready to give in to slumber.

“Ice cream: chocolate or vanilla?” I asked, hoping to lighten the mood.

He didn’t even hesitate. “Vanilla with chocolate on top.”

“Mmm. I’m stealing your answer.”

“Better date night: a walk in the park or dinner and a movie?”

“The park. It’s easier to talk, and I love getting out in the open air.”

“The park for me, too. But I wouldn’t mind dinner to go along with it. Maybe cooking it at home.”

“Workouts,” I said. “Go to the gym or get outside?”

“Outside, if I can. I like being with nature. During the season, I have to use the gym a lot more than I’d like to.”

“Gym, for me. But maybe I just can’t think of enough things to do outside that would give me the same results as the indoor equipment.”

“I can help you with that.” He quirked a grin that I could feel against my forehead. “Summer or winter?”

“Spring. Definitely spring.”

“That’s cheating.”

I laughed. “I like them both, but I love spring. Everything is blooming and new. Spring makes me feel like I can start over and do things better than I did them before.”

“Fine. Then I’ll say fall.”

“Just to be contrary?”

“Not entirely. All the colors are beautiful, and it reminds me that life is short so I have to take advantage of it while I can.”

I didn’t want to let him slip too deep into a melancholy mood. We’d already spent so much time there, and I was fairly certain he’d been enjoying our playful banter as much as I had. “Okay, pets—if you were to have one, that is—cat or dog?” I asked, moving the conversation away from dangerous territory.

“Dog, unless it was a cat that would go walking with me.”

“You would put a cat on a leash?”

“Why not?”

I chuckled. “Brave man. Steve and I had a cat while we were married. Geronimo… Attempting to put anything on that cat was an exercise in futility. Trying to get him to take medicine was not a job for anyone who didn’t have a death wish.”

“You don’t still have a cat, though?” he murmured in my ear.

“Steve won custody in the divorce. Geronimo had been his before we got married.”

“So would you have another cat for a pet?”

“Um, no. I think maybe I’d stick with a fish. Fish don’t have claws.”

“Chicken.”

“No, I definitely would
not
have a chicken as a pet.”

“I was calling
you
a chicken.”

“Oh. Well, I suppose it fits. Sort of.”

“Mmm-hmm.” He slid his hand absentmindedly through my hair. “Mountains or beach?”

“To live or for vacation?”

“Either.”

“Beach.”

“And is that to live or for vacation?” he asked with a laugh.

“Vacation. I like the tranquility of being near the mountains in general, but sometimes I need a bit of sun and sand.”

“Good thing we’re close to them both here. It’s the same in Sweden. I think that’s why I feel comfortable in Portland.”

“
Star Trek
or
Star Wars
?”

“You didn’t let me answer the last one!” Nicky complained.

“Sorry. Beach or mountains?”

“Beach. I’m sure you’d look hot in ski gear, but I have no doubt I’d love looking at you in a bikini.”

I felt a welcome flush heat my cheeks, not that he could see it in the dark. “And you think that’s a good reason for your choice?”

“You’re going to tell me it’s
not
a good reason?”

“I suppose there’s no right or wrong answer, is there? So back to my question:
Star Trek
or
Star Wars
?”

“Neither. Give me
Guardians of the Galaxy
any day over either of them.”

“No Ewoks for you?”

“Nope.”

“I think the soundtrack was the thing I liked best about
Guardians of the Galaxy
.”

“All that eighties music? You like that kind of stuff?”

“I grew up on that music, thank you very much.”

“Oh, that’s right. I forgot that you’re old.”

“Hey!” I said, pinching his side. “
Older
. Not
old.
”

“Fine, then. Older. Have it your way.” Nicky was laughing as he said it. He rolled over until he was on top of me, bracing his weight on his elbows. “Kisses or sleep?”

“Kisses,” I said without hesitation.

“Good answer.” He dipped his head down and captured my laugh with his lips.

ON SATURDAY MORNING,
Soupy and Rachel showed up at my door with Tuck and Maddie in tow. They’d dropped off their twins with Mia and Dana, and they wanted to take Elin, Hugo, and Nils, along with their two older kids, to a place called JJ Jump. Soupy had told me about JJ Jump a few times after that first game Emma and the munchkins had come to, when all the guys had learned the truth about what was going on in my family life.

Ever since then, he had kept suggesting that Emma and I take the kids there and let them be kids, give them a chance to play around some. He’d even proposed we make it a playdate or something like that, with Tuck and Maddie joining in, but until now I hadn’t found a chance to take the kids. There had been too much going on with Emma. She hadn’t been up to going out and about much, and I’d wanted to be sure the kids and I all got as much time with her as possible, so I’d pushed stuff like that to the back of my mind until I could make room for it.

I needed to make time for fun with these kids, but I hadn’t managed it yet. That was something I was going to have to change. Soupy and Rachel knew it maybe even better than I did, though, and they had apparently decided to push me into doing the right thing whether I was ready or not.

JJ Jump was a place designed as a fun house for kids, filled from wall to wall with bounce houses of every shape and size. They liked to take Tuck and Maddie because the kids could jump all over the place and wear themselves out, and it wasn’t really all that expensive. With Tuck, in particular, wearing him out as often as possible was a necessity. That boy tended to cause a lot of trouble if he had excess energy to burn, so it was safer for everyone involved if he was physically exhausted more often than not.

At first, when they showed up Saturday morning and suggested it, Elin hadn’t been so sure about going—she didn’t seem to want to leave me, despite my telling her I would be fine without her for a little while—but eventually, Maddie had convinced her to go. I was really glad Maddie was taking to Elin. My niece needed a friend, and by all indications, Maddie wasn’t going to let Elin push her away. I didn’t worry as much about the boys. They tended to make friends easily and were always eager to play and have fun. Elin was so much more reserved all the time. Maddie had always been quiet and kept to herself for the most part, too, at least as long as I’d known her. I thought the pair of them made a good match, actually. I hoped they would build a friendship that would last.

“You two should get out of here and do something, too,” Rachel said as they were herding the kids out the door. “We’ll feed them lunch, keep them occupied all afternoon. I’m pretty sure we’ll be gone for hours. No reason y’all need to stay cooped up in this house all day, even if it’s raining.”

“We’ll call to be sure you’re here before we bring them back,” Soupy said. I must have seemed hesitant because he added, “Go do something with Jessica so I don’t have to worry about you so much, Nicky. Have some fun. Try to relax. Something.”

“We will,” Jessica said before I could. “Go on. I’ll be sure he gets some fresh air.”

Soupy winked at her, gave me a friendly slap on the shoulder, and then crutched out to his SUV, following the trail of kids.

“Fresh air?” I said, closing the door behind them with a slow but steady drizzle still in mind. The silence of the house hit me like a ton of bricks when she didn’t respond right away. Without the kids—not to mention the guys’ wives and their children filling the place up—it suddenly felt too empty. Too quiet. Too easy for me to fall deep into the dark places I didn’t want to be. The kinds of places that would lead me to search for a bottle of some sort. All of a sudden, I was anxious to get out of there.

“Did you have anything particular in mind?” I asked.

“Nothing specific. We could go for a walk in the park,” she said with a wry grin.

“In the rain? Yeah, we could.” A little rain had never really bothered me, and it definitely wasn’t a downpour. We’d probably be just fine outside, at least for a little while. “Or we could go to the Japanese Gardens,” I suggested.

I hadn’t been back there since that day during pre-season, and today seemed like as good a time as any to go. The gardens in autumn had been gorgeous, and I had a strong feeling that winter would be equally as beautiful, not to mention peaceful, despite a bit of wetness. Right now, I could use a bit of peace.

Jessica looked at me for a moment, her eyes assessing me in a way that could have left me feeling self-conscious were she anyone else, but then she smiled. “I think the gardens sound perfect. Let’s go.”

It only took us a few minutes to gather up our outerwear, grab an umbrella, and get in her car. It was still mild weather for December, even with the rain, but we might be out for hours. No point in getting too cold, though the idea of coming home to warm each other up didn’t seem so bad.

The rain had stopped by the time we arrived at the gardens. We left the umbrella in the car since it looked like the clouds were starting to dissipate, and by unspoken agreement, we started strolling through the pond area. Neither of us was in any hurry to see or do anything in particular, and there weren’t many other people milling around. Most people probably saw the rain and decided to stay home, I supposed. It couldn’t have been more different from the last time I’d been here, when over a thousand hockey fans had been filling nearly every nook and cranny of the place. I doubted the gardens were very busy during the winter months because it was kind of chilly to be outdoors, even on a mild day, and even fewer people were here than normal today because of the rain.