Come to Me Quietly (Closer to You) (17 page)

I barely lifted my chin, blithe and indifferent. “Sure… drive safe.”

She turned away, stole a glance back at me, then turned to leave. “See you after work, Christopher.”

Furiously he thumbed at his controller. “Bye,” he said as if he couldn’t be disturbed long enough to notice she was there.

Aly walked away, her dark ponytail swishing along her back. She opened the door and bright sunlight burst around her frame as she stepped out into the day.

I inched forward to the end of the hall. I realized I was standing there like an idiot, watching the space she’d just taken up as she snapped the door shut behind her.

Shit.
 

“You better watch yourself, man.” The warning dripped low and slow through Christopher’s lips, hardness coiled tightly in the words.

Taken aback, I blinked hard and turned my attention to where he sat with his focus trained entirely on the TV. I swallowed down the pool of saliva that gathered at the back of my throat. “What are you talking about?”

Incredulous laughter seeped from Christopher, and he slowly shook his head in disbelief. “You think I haven’t noticed the way you’ve been looking at my little sister?” He cut his eyes to me, scrutinizing me in clear disgust, before he tore them back to the TV. “I wasn’t joking when I said her room was off-limits. I just didn’t think I’d have to spell it out for you.”

I tried to rein in the panic that jackhammered in my brain. Guilt hit me hard, but not hard enough to keep me away from Aly. My body still burned with the residue of her touch. Nothing would stop me from going back for more.

Just a little more.

I shook my head and forced a frown that could only speak of my own distaste. “We’re just friends, Christopher. We’ve always been. You know that.” The words pushed out with the force of my faked revulsion, blended with the solemn oath. “She’s like a sister to me.” My tongue burned with the lie, and this time the guilt was consuming.

I was just going to stand here and lie straight-faced to my best friend?

He will hate me before I’m gone
.

He turned to face me fully, his green eyes probing.

In discomfort, I fidgeted.

Then he slowly nodded. “Sorry, man… I just… we already talked about Aly being different than the rest of these girls. I can’t stand the thought of someone fucking with her.”

My exhale came heavy. “I know that.” She was perfect. I hated the thought of someone fucking with her, too. Especially if it was me.

Joy reverberated through my being.

Intense, consuming joy. It was the kind of joy fraught with apprehension and stifling doubt. I wasn’t sure Jared came close to understanding what last night had meant to me, how his touch had become my truth.

Never before had I allowed anyone to touch me that way.

Either physically or emotionally.

Megan was right. I just hadn’t been able to fully see it. Every relationship I’d had, one way or another, I’d subconsciously sabotaged. I’d held myself just out of reach, staved off every advance, rejected every wandering hand. Maybe somewhere inside me I’d been saving myself for him because part of me had always believed that one day he would return.

Or maybe it was just that I had been waiting for someone who could possibly make me
feel
the way he had made me feel. Someone who could fill up the space Jared had left when he was so brutally torn from my life. Someone I cared enough about that it would cover up the sadness I felt for Jared, the ache that seemed to never dissipate. But there had never been anyone like that because it turned out it had been Jared all along. There was no one else who fit.

And it was shocking just how ready I was to give myself to him.

For him to take me.

I’d come so close to losing him again. I’d sensed his intentions the moment I found him sitting alone in my darkened room, and I knew it was all or nothing. And I wanted it all. Kissing him at the party had rocked my foundation. Last night had shattered it. I would never be the same.

Affection expanded in that place deep inside where I’d kept him hidden all these years. I no longer wanted to hide it, even though I knew that was exactly what I had to do. Jared was… volatile… irrational… ashamed. Not of me, but of himself. I knew there wasn’t a chance he could see himself the way I saw him. Would I ever be able to convince him he was wrong? I saw it there, dimming the light in his eyes, the idea that what he felt for me was somehow undeserved, impure, something disgraceful, bred for shame.

He couldn’t even admit what he felt was real. But I could feel it. I felt it in every brush of his hand. I found it in the words he’d once again left for me, words he didn’t have the strength to say. They were written on the same type of worn paper that he had left before.

A still heart quickens as beauty graces the foul
.

Last night I’d burned to tell him, to open my mouth and expose it all. To tell him he was the reason I remained untouched because he’d already
touched
me in a way that bonded him to me. Intuition held me back, warning me that I’d already pushed him just about as far as he could go.

No longer was I that delusional little girl. I couldn’t fix him, and I knew I could never erase his pain. Honestly, I didn’t want to. Trying to would only minimize what he’d suffered. But maybe one day he could let go of some of the guilt. If he could be freed of the blame, he could begin to heal.

I wanted to be a part of that. Even if my only purpose was to give him a flicker of hope.

Work turned out to be just the distraction I needed. The lunch rush had the diner packed with customers, and my hands stayed busy with menial tasks while my mind stayed close to Jared. But I itched to be back in his arms.

Still I found myself driving to my parents’ house after I finished my shift. I wasn’t quite sure what it was, but I felt like I needed to get my feet back on solid ground, to be granted a sense of certainty, before I offered myself back up to uncertainty.

I knocked once before I opened the door. “Mom?” I called. There was no answer, and I walked through the silent house. “Dad?”

Out the sliding glass door, I caught a glimpse of them. They were curled up together on one of those two-person loungers by the pool. For a second, I remained still, watching. Wearing bathing suits and sunglasses, they had their faces turned to the blistering summer sky. Dad sat up higher, his arm draped casually around the top of Mom’s head, his fingers mindlessly toying with her hair.

They’d always been natural together. Comfortable. Even when they fought.

I shook my head and slid open the door.

Mom jumped and shot up in the lounger. Her hand went to cover her heart. “Oh my God, Aly, you scared me.”

“I always scare you, Mom.” I laughed as I stepped into the backyard. “You just jumped, like, ten feet in the air.” No surprise there.

Dad chuckled and tugged at her hair. “See? Even Aly knows what a twitchy little thing you are.”

Mom playfully swatted him across the chest. “I’m not jumpy. I’m vigilant. There’s a big difference.”

Dad pushed himself up to a sitting position. He lifted his sunglasses from his eyes and ran his hand over his face, then turned to me. “So, how are you, sweetheart?”

“Good… really good. How have you been?”

“Oh, you know, just the same,” he answered absently, never one to call much attention to himself.

I loved my dad. He was the kind who was fiercely protective, one who would willingly stand in front of a moving train if it meant he could spare someone he cared about even an ounce of suffering.

It also meant he would never understand about Jared.

Black and white. Good and bad. Even after everything Jared had gone through, Dad still could only see Jared as a punk kid who had taken his family further down in the midst of all their hurt, rather than realizing he was just a boy who couldn’t find his way out of the pain. A week before Jared had been sent away, Dad had actually forbidden Christopher to ever see Jared again. But it wasn’t as if Jared had been trying to hang out with Christopher. At that time, he was already gone, mentally, emotionally. Just… gone.

No question, Dad would see Jared as a threat now. One to his family. One to me.

“So, what are you doing here?” Mom maneuvered off the lounger and pranced across the hot concrete in her bare feet. She hugged me close, then held me by the upper arms and leaned back to take me in. She squeezed in emphasis. “It feels like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

“Well, that’s why I’m here,” I said dryly, shooting her a small smirk promising I was just playing around, affection shining in my eyes. I’d missed her, too.

She grinned, then softened as she touched my chin, asked quietly, “How’s my baby girl?”

“I’m good.”

Mom smiled and softly inclined her head. “Come on, let’s get something to drink.” She slid the door open. “Do you want anything, Dave?” she called behind her.

“No… I’m fine.” Dad lay back on the lounger, folding his hands over his chest.

I ran across to him and kissed him on the cheek. “Love you, Dad.”

“Love you, too, sweetheart.”

I skipped back across the yard and into the house. Inside, Mom was pouring two glasses of iced tea. She handed me one.

“Thank you.”

She sipped at her tea, eyeing me over her glass. I prepared for the inquisition.

“So you just popped by, huh? After I haven’t seen you in more than a month
and
after you never called so we could have a shopping day? I think something’s up… and judging by that smile that keeps creeping to your mouth, I’d guess it’s a
boy
.” The last she sang as she wiggled her shoulders.

As hard as I tried to hold it in, I let go of a small, self-conscious giggle and felt the flush the second it lit my cheeks. Even though what Jared and I had shared last night had been incredibly intense, that he’d left this heaviness weighing down the deepest recesses of my heart, there was another piece of me that felt light.

Like maybe I’d just experienced my first kiss.

Mom’s eyes widened. I’d never talked boys with her because there’d never been anything to say. None of them had mattered except for the one I’d kept from her. But Mom was all about girl talk. I remembered her and Helene staying up until all hours of the night, sharing a bottle of wine while they just talked and laughed, lost themselves in their secrets and dreams. I wondered now how much she missed those days.

“Am I right?” Mom prodded, the words teasing, although she looked on me with a slow tenderness as she ribbed me. She knew I’d always been private about these things, only because I’d never had enough courage to tell her.

I’d come so close to telling her that night. Terrified and shaking, I’d gotten as far as her bedroom door, ready to confide in her. But I’d frozen, paralyzed, when I heard her crying behind it, the vibration of Dad’s harsh, angry voice overriding her tears. After more minutes than I could count, I’d turned to find Christopher staring at me in shocked disbelief, as if all of us were set adrift and had been scattered to deal with things none of us could handle.

Never again had I mentioned his name. That’s the way we’d all handled it until the day he returned.

“Aren’t you always?” I hopped up onto the counter and swung my legs the way I did when I was a little girl.

Amused lines deepened at the corners of Mom’s eyes. “No, not always. Most of the time,” she added with a wink, “but not always.” She leaned up on the counter next to me. “So, tell me about this boy who makes those green eyes dance.”

I squeezed both shoulders in a confused shrug and blew the air from my pursed lips. How could Jared be contained by simple words? I looked at her, and again I could feel the admission trembling on my lips. “He scares me, Mom.”

She stilled, her hand clamping down on her glass before she shakily set it down and turned to face me. “What do you mean, he scares you? Aly – ”

“No, not like that, Mom.” I cut her off, struggling for words. “It’s just… it hurts to care about him so much.” It always had and it felt good to finally admit it aloud.

She searched my face. “Oh my God, Aly… you love him?”

I didn’t answer.

“How long have you been seeing him? I don’t… Who is he?” Mom seemed to flounder through her thoughts, like maybe it stung that I was just telling her this now.

Guilt swept through me. After all these years, I was still keeping him a secret. “I don’t even know what we are, Mom. I just care about him, so much, and when we’re together I… ” I frowned, blinked, then let the truth flow free. “It feels like the best thing that ever happened to me.”

She moved in front of me and softly ran a lock of my hair through two of her fingers, this wistful expression on her face. “Love
is
the best thing that will ever happen to you, Aly.”

Slowly I nodded as I let her words take hold. My voice was rough. “Thank you, Mom. You don’t know how much I needed to hear that.”

“You know that’s what I’m here for,” she whispered. Then she shook herself off and stepped back, her voice returning to normal. “So, when do I get to meet this mystery man? Oh, why don’t you bring him over for dinner?” she asked, clearly excited by the proposition.

“I don’t think we’re quite there yet. But someday.” I could only hope.

Doubt chipped a little fissure in my belief. Jared had made me no promises. And it was true, I didn’t even know what we were. I only had the promise of his touch, only knew he looked at me the same way I looked at him. That was what buoyed me, what filled me with faith.

Mom frowned and regarded me seriously. “I know you’re grown, Aly, but I would really like to meet him.”

Just then a key rattled the lock in the front door. Mom reached for her tea glass as we heard the heavy footfalls of someone entering the house.

Was it terrible I was thanking God for the interruption? But I didn’t know how much more information I could give Mom now before it all became obvious.

Augustyn walked into the kitchen, tearing a sweaty T-shirt over his head. He wore basketball shorts and tennis shoes, his deeply tanned skin gleaming with moisture. I sometimes wondered how Mom and Dad had raised such a jock when Christopher and I were anything but.

He smiled wide. “Aly! I was excited to see your car out front. How are you?”

“I’m doing really good. I’ve been missing you, though,” I said with all honesty.

He didn’t hesitate to envelope me in a hot, sweaty hug. “I know. Me, too.” Aug’s voice had permanently roughened, thickened like a man’s. It made me smile.

“So, guess what I found out today,” he said as he drew back, grinning with pride. “You are looking at our first-string quarterback. They announced the selections today.”

“Really?” I jumped off the counter and hugged him again. “Congratulations.”

Mom nearly tackled him. “You did? Aug, I’m so proud of you.”

I was all mixed up in their embrace and it felt really great.

When Augustyn had his fill of pats and hugs and congrats, he pulled back. Mom pointed at him. “And you stink. You need to take a shower.”

Laughing, he backed away. “Think I’m just going to take a swim. Dad’s out there anyway, and he told me he was supposed to be the first to know.” Aug lifted his chin in my direction. “It really was good to see you, Aly.” He slid the sliding glass door open and smirked at me from over his shoulder. “And tell Megan I said hi.”

My mouth dropped open in feigned disgust, my lips animated in silent embellishment.
Gross
.

He laughed and the door slid shut behind him.

I turned back to Mom. “I think I’m going to head home.”

Disappointment flashed across her face and she huffed out a frustrated breath. “Fine, but honestly, Aly. Don’t shut me out, okay?”

I nodded, though I wasn’t sure I could keep that promise. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to. God, Christopher had asked me not to even mention that Jared was staying with us, and Jared definitely didn’t want Christopher knowing about us. I wasn’t sure that I did, either. I was pretty sure Christopher would freak out. No doubt my dad would freak out. And their knowing would undoubtedly throw Jared over the edge.

“Love you, Mom.” I hugged her close to me, her touch tender as she rubbed my lower back.

“Love you, too.” She pulled back and held my face. “I’m happy for you… whoever he is.”

I bit at my lip as his name danced on my tongue. I realized how much I wanted her to know. I swallowed. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Okay,” she said.