Come Pour the Wine (37 page)

“It gets easier after the first fallout.”

“Maybe, but right now I’m going to concentrate on how to get my marriage back together.”

“Mazel tov.”

Kit drove into Janet’s driveway and helped her out with the luggage.

Janet’s heart suddenly began to pound as she opened the door. Bill wouldn’t be home. Not tonight, and maybe never. The thought made her shiver. She wasn’t prepared for the shock of coming back to an empty home, to the memories. She’d thought she was past that. Presumptuous thought …

The two women stood in awkward silence in the foyer.

“Well, I’m home … Kit, how can I thank you … ?”

“Big deal.”

She put her arms around her friend. “You’ve bailed me out of so many things, but seeing me through this is something I’ll never forget—”

“You’re going to make it, baby. Now I’ve got to run. Talk later.”

Janet took the suitcases to her room, and was just starting to unpack when she heard Nicole’s car in the driveway. She hurried to the front door and opened it, tears starting to her eyes when she saw her daughter. “Nicole, darling, oh, God, I missed you—”

They weren’t sure whose tears were whose as they embraced. Then, arm in arm, they walked into the house.

As they sat on the sofa, neither knew what to say, how to begin.

“I loved the postcards and letters …” Nicole finally said.

“I’m glad.”

“Did you have a good time?”

“I missed you and Jason very much. In fact when we got to Nassau I wanted to fly back, but then I thought, no … I needed the discipline of realizing I was going to be alone. It was a test, I suppose, to see if I could make it—”

“You did, mama … you survived.”

“Hmm … well, I get a gold star for that. Now tell me about you.”

Nicole hesitated. “I spent a couple of weekends with dad.” She watched for her mother’s reaction. Nothing.

“How is he?”

“Not very happy, mom. I think he has a lot of regrets …”

“Did he say so?”

“No … he didn’t have to. The tone of his voice, the look in his eye. The way he kissed me when he said good-by.”

“Well, I’m sure he misses you.”

“I think he misses us
all.
Incidentally, he took an apartment. I was surprised when I saw it.”

“Why?”

“Because it was furnished—and not too attractively either. I think he misses not having anything that belongs to him.”

“Really? Well, no one exactly forced him to leave.”

“I know, mom, but I can’t help it … I just feel so sorry for him. It’s as though he doesn’t care—”

“That’s strange. I’m a little surprised he’s unhappy now that he got rid of his responsibilities. And I assumed he’d like living in an apartment. The way he used to …”

“No, he couldn’t wait to get out. I don’t know, mom. Honest, he really seems sort of … well, lost.”

“I’m sure.”

“You’re not angry about my seeing him, are you?”

Janet saw the uncertainty in her daughter’s face and suddenly felt guilty for adding to the conflicts she must already be feeling. Her voice was softer, contrite, as she said, “No, darling. He’s your father and it’s right and natural that you should love him. I’m sorry for the things I said about him the night he left. I was a little out of my mind, I guess.”

“That’s understandable. I mean when a husband suddenly springs it on his wife that he wants a divorce, you can’t expect to be cool and calm about it.”

“Still, I attacked him in front of his own children, and that was wrong. Hindsight is always … but I wish I had handled it better.”

“Nobody’s perfect, mom, especially not in a situation like that. It’s been tough for all of us, dad included.”

Janet was tempted to tell Nicole about trying a reconciliation, but thought better of it. What if it failed … ? “Your father and I will try to act like mature people. We have you and Jason to—”

“Oh, thank you, mother, that’s one thing dad was worried about. I mean, how you two would be about Jay and me—”

“Well, he needn’t have.”

Jason had been at the Weisses when Kit came back from the airport, and went home immediately to see his mother. He had never missed her as much as in the last weeks.

He let himself into the house and went to her room, swooped her up in his arms and held her off the ground. He looked so much like Bill that for a moment she did a double-take.

“Hey, you look great, mom … In fact, you’re the best looking girl I ever did see … did you have a good time?”

“Not so bad …”

“Thanks for the watch … Incidentally, I made first string. Hey, I’m really glad you’re home, mom …”

“Me too, and I don’t intend to leave for a long time.”

“Great. Now how about some chow?”

“I don’t know what we have in the house except frozen food. Let’s go out to dinner.”

“No, I want to have dinner at home. Scrambled eggs, anything.”

Janet went to the kitchen, looked through the freezer and found chicken crepes, cannelloni, pizza, spaghetti and meatballs.

Jason came in and sat at the table, watching her. His mother was beautiful. How could his father possibly have left her? He must have been crazy …

When she turned and saw him, she noted the set of his jaw, and decided it was better not to bring Bill up. It was different with Nicole, who spoke about her father almost as much as Jason seemed to want to avoid such discussions. It was as though Bill didn’t exist for him. He was very angry with his father, very protective of his mother, and … in the ways of the young … sternly unforgiving.

Attempting to keep the tone light, she said, “Decisions … now, we have—”

“How about cheese omelets with green chiles.”

“Sounds good. By the way, I didn’t congratulate you on making first string. I think it’s great.” And then, while beating the eggs, she asked, “Anything else happen while I was away?”

“Not much … I gave my car back to what’s his name.”

“You mean your father.”

“So I’ve been told.”

“Jason, it doesn’t solve anything to be so bitter.”

“Really? You mean you’re not? And you can forgive him for what he did?”

“In a way, yes.”

“That wasn’t the impression I got when you left.”

“Well, I’ve had time to think about a lot of things and I realize your father’s going through sort of a special time in his life … trying to get back his youth—”

“That’s very nice, but I’m his
son, not
his father, and as far as I’m concerned if I never see him again it will be too soon.”

“Jason, please don’t say that.”

“Why? It’s true. You know, mom, I could forgive him if he was a drunk or a gambler … they’re sicknesses … but to just walk away from us when we need him most, for no reason … well, it’s something I’ll never understand … He never loved us, he couldn’t have—”

“That’s not true, Jason. Take my word for it, your father does love us. He’s just terribly confused about himself—”

“Well, I don’t know too much about psychiatry.”

“You don’t have to be a psychiatrist to have feelings and a little understanding. What was his reaction when you returned the car?”

“I don’t know because I wouldn’t talk to him.”

“That must have hurt him—”

“Hurt him! He didn’t worry too much about hurting us.”

“You did it to punish him—”

“You bet. I don’t want anything from him. I bought a motorcycle with the money grandpa sent me for Christmas. And I’m
not
going to M.I.T. I’m still going to be an engineer, but not with a degree from his damned alma mater and for sure it’s not going to be McNeil & Son …”

Janet poured the eggs into the omelet pan, thinking Jason’s wounds might well be the hardest to heal. He felt so abandoned by Bill, he’d thought of him as an idol who could do no wrong in spite of the usual adolescent tensions between father and son. Now he found his father was just a mortal man with all the human frailties and he couldn’t accept that. There was still another side of the coin. Now that Bill had left, Jason was assuming the posture of the man of the family and felt he was protecting his mother. His father had left her and he couldn’t and wouldn’t forgive that. No,
sir…

“Darling, go call Nicole. The omelets are ready.”

That night Janet took out the albums which had accumulated through the years. They represented, in their fashion, the sum total of her life, the happy times, those special moments, almost twenty years there in those albums. Yes, indeed. Those years were too precious not to try to salvage. For her children, and not least for herself.

At eleven o’clock the next morning Janet called Bill at the office.

“Janet?” He sounded shaky, but no more so than she felt.

“Yes.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just got home and I thought we should talk.”

He wiped the perspiration from his forehead with his handkerchief. “My God, you scared me. I thought something had happened.”

Something did happen …
“Are you busy for lunch?”

“No.”

“Would it be convenient if we met?”

After all those years … would it be convenient, she was asking.

“Sure, I’d like that. Where?”

Like old times. “Maxwell’s Plum?”

“Wonderful.”

“Twelve okay?”

Is it okay to leave you, Janet, would you object?
“Twelve would be fine.”

They sat opposite each other in the dimly lit room, remembering other times. The conversation was guarded, stilted. Bill thinking Janet hadn’t changed much through the years. In fact, maturity had added to her beauty. So if he was this much in love, what had pulled them apart? A good question … He sure as hell didn’t know, and that was the only thing he was sure of. How could you still love someone but not want to live with them? He felt
owned …
and yet Janet had never made those kinds of demands. She expected him to be faithful, sure … but all women wanted that, never mind what the modern ones claimed, and the truth was he’d never thought of being anything but a faithful husband. Maybe he should see a psychiatrist. And if he did, what would he learn?
You had a mother who suffocated you and you never got over it.
He really didn’t much like himself, but how did he fight down these feelings of wanting so badly to be his own person, not to be beholden … ?

“You look wonderful, Janet.”

“Thank you.”

“How was the trip?”

“I had a nice time … You look … happy, Bill.”

He didn’t look happy or content in the least. She had never seen him with this haunted look. Nicole was right.

“Do I? Well, starting over isn’t easy—”

“Oh? I thought it was for a man.”

“What makes you think men don’t go through … adjustments?”

And change of life … it’s called male menopause. Up to now she’d never really believed it, taken it seriously.

“I’m sure they do. Well, people don’t adapt so easily to change. Sometimes, I’m told, what we think will make us happiest turns out the opposite. Fantasy and anticipation don’t stand up to reality too well … I remember I said something like that when we first met….”

She’d meant that rather long speech as a springboard for him to launch into his misgivings, if he had any. But if he had any second thoughts he apparently wasn’t about to admit them.

“That’s true,” he said. “Now tell me about your trip. Nicole said you met … someone … a very nice man …”

She looked at him. Wasn’t it strange, he didn’t seem a bit jealous. Quite matter of fact about it. But then that could also be a defense. She hoped. But then it hit her that it was typical of Bill. He had that marvelous facility of avoiding subjects he didn’t want to face … “Nicole told you that? I’m afraid she’s trying to make you jealous.” The next words were said with more confidence than she felt. “Now I think I should get on with the reason I called. Pride at this point between us is ridiculous. You and I have a lot of years invested and I can’t honestly believe that our marriage didn’t mean anything to you—”

“You’re right, Janet. It did mean a great deal—”

“Then what happened that suddenly made you want out of it?”

He shook his head. This was very tough. Honesty was not charitable; it was cruel, devastating. But this demanded the truth, so help him God … please.

“Before I answer, crazy as this will sound—I love you, Janet, so it wasn’t that. As for it being sudden, it wasn’t that either. I know you sensed my frustrations in Europe. Maybe it began then or long before. Between my mother’s possessiveness and my father’s sending me off to a military academy, I always felt as if I was in jail … like I was their
property.
Oh, who the hell really knows? I don’t. But the result was that as I got older I began to feel as if I’d been shut off from myself, as though Bill McNeil got lost somewhere. I started to rebel, I guess, against the conformity of … marriage.” Quickly he added, “Not to you, but the whole
thing
of it … the sort of finality of it. Wednesdays at the club for cards—I hated knowing I’d see those same faces week after week for the rest of my life. There were no surprises. I knew what to expect for dinner every night. The drive back and forth to Manhattan began to seem endless and each mile became longer each year. Then I got to hate taking the train in the winter. I got so sick and tired of the same conversations coming home that I used to hide behind a paper. After all these years, Janet, this is very hard to say, but I simply wasn’t cut out to be a suburban husband.”

She’d become angrier with each word, with the triviality of his complaints when compared to what he had destroyed, and it was only with difficulty that she held herself in check. “But you seemed so happy.”

“That’s how it appeared. You even get good at deceiving yourself. The truth is I was expected to act like Nat and all the others.”

“Since I wasn’t aware of all this, tell me, what could I have done to make life different for you?”

“Nothing, because it wasn’t
you.
It was me and I take all the blame.”

“Let’s not talk about blame, let’s try to understand how we failed each other. Maybe then we—”

“You
didn’t fail, Janet. Unfortunately you just married the wrong man. You should have been married to someone like Nat, who loves what Kit loves. You want Westchester and I want Manhattan. I look for surprises, you want permanence, the expected … our needs are different, don’t you see?”