Colorado Bride (23 page)

“Well, you’ll not do anything about that team now, but there’ll be a stage full of hungry passengers in that yard any minute now, and you can do something about that. I could use a hand with these potatoes, and the beef stew needs to be stirred every few minutes to make sure it doesn’t stick.”

Carrie knew that stirring the stew wouldn’t keep her mind off Lucas, but she couldn’t stand about doing nothing, so she picked up the big wooden spoon and began to move it slowly through the thick, aromatic mixture. She had been at odds with Lucas over one thing or another almost from the first moment she had met him, but from the moment she realized she loved him, fear banished all thought of their differences and started to eat away at her optimism and assurance that she could do everything. Lucas had always seemed like an indestructible power. Whenever something went wrong, he was there to fix it; whenever there was a problem, he was there to solve it; whenever she needed him, he was there whether she wanted him or not. Without realizing it, she had come to think of him as the one unchanging constant around her, the one person who was part of every equation in her life.

Now she was forced to consider the possibility that he had been hurt or captured. The longer he was absent, the more terrible became her fears until she had to face the possibility that he was dead. Carrie would never have believed anyone’s death could have affected her so. Her mother had died when she was four, but no one had died in her family since then, and she had grown up with the feeling that people who came into her life were going to be there forever. She couldn’t accept the fact that Lucas might never return, that he might never come up the steps to the station to have his dinner, that he might never be around to make sure that everything went right for her. He had become a part of her thinking, a part of her life, and she didn’t know how to go on without him.

“The stage is coming. I just heard the driver’s yell,” Katie announced, bringing Carrie out of her thoughts. “We’d best get the food on the table.’ Tis late, and they’ll be near-about starved.”

The two women worked quickly to set out the food before the passengers could burst through the station door. Carrie had been in charge of the station for just a week, but already the reputation of her food was beginning to spread up and down the line.

“I’ve got to speak to the driver before he starts to unhitch the horses,” Carrie said to Katie. “Do you think you can handle everything for a few minutes?”

“Sure. If not, they can always get up and serve their own plates.g”

The driver was Jerry Blake, the only one of the regulars who had not accepted Carrie yet, and he had already started to unhitch the team. He would have to be the one driving today, she thought irritably. He was the one least likely to understand any shortcoming on her part. She wouldn’t put it past him to report her to Duncan Bickett.

“Don’t unhitch that team,” Carrie called. Indians stole our horses this morning, and we haven’t gotten them back yet. You’re going to have to use the same team over the next stage.” Blake stood up from where he had been undoing buckles.

They’re pretty worn out. Don’t know as they’ll make it to the next station.”

“They will if you take it slowly.” Blake looked as though he was about to disagree. “You have no choice unless you want to stay here until Lucas and Jake return,” Carrie told him.

“Should have gone to Fort Malone. Bound to be some extra horses around somewhere.”

“Actually, that was my original plan. Jake headed to town, and I went after the horses.”

“Would have thought it would have been the other way around.”

“I suppose you would, but then you’re a man.” Blake stared at her, unsure of how to take that. “Nevertheless, Mr. Barrow caught up with us, and he and Jake went after the horses.”

“Still should have gone into town.”

“Possibly, but it’s too late for that now. You’ll just have to make do. I’ll give the team some oats. That may help some. Now you might as well come inside and eat your dinner. Take your time. You’re already behind schedule, but having to use a team for two stages ought to be enough of an excuse to keep you out of trouble.” Jerry Blake looked at her sharply, a little threateningly Carrie thought, but he refastened the buckles he had already loosened. Then with a last questioning look he turned his unhurried steps toward the station.

Carrie moved off to the barn to find and fill the feed bags for the team. She was glad to be away from the hearty cheerfulness of the passengers—they were always so pleased to be let off the stage for a short while—and she was glad to be by herself. She had always found that when she had a problem or was upset for any reason, she preferred to be completely alone. The presence of others only seemed to perpetuate her state of mind, especially if the people around her were in a good mood and required her to pretend to be in one too.

She moved about the barn, getting out the nose bags, hanging them up, and filling them with oats, but everything reminded her of Lucas. He had slept in the barn and he had worked with the horses; her association of him with this place was so strong she felt certain he would walk through one of the doors any minute.

She went outside to give the horses their oats, but every minute he was gone, she became more and more certain that something had happened, that she would never see him again. She thought of all the things she hadn’t said to him, the times she hadn’t thanked him, or hadn’t done so properly; the times she had been irritated or angry or ungrateful when she was really so thankful he had offered to help; of her new feelings for him which she might never get a chance to express; the chance to see if their love could triumph over the obstacles that stood between them. There was so much she hadn’t said or done because she was so busy with the station, trying to prove that she could succeed on her own, refusing to accept or acknowledge his help and her need of his help because it would take away from her own success.

Yet what was her success when measured against the loss of someone so important to her? She knew she could handle the station better than most men, so was it necessary that she prove it? Well yes, it was, but was it more important than Lucas? No, but Carrie realized that if she had been forced to choose between one or the other, she would have a difficult time deciding which to give up. She didn’t know what Lucas would ultimately mean to her life, but even if she were to marry him, she realized that proving her independence was critically important to her. It wasn’t this particular job—it could have been anything from running a saloon to a general store—it was just that this was the only chance she would be given to stand on her own two feet and it was vital that she succeed. She realized finally that if she was going to even consider the compromise that being Lucas’s wife promised to require of her, then she was going to have to know she would live without the help of a man before she could give up her freedom.

Admittedly it was all in her mind, but her whole perception of life was in her mind, so telling herself it was
all in her mind
was just an attempt to circumvent the difficulty. The more she realized the importance of Lucas to her life, the more she realized the necessity of proving to herself that she could do without him. She wondered if he would understand that. Probably not. She wondered if she would ever get a chance to try and explain it to him.

She sat down in the chair under the tree,
his
chair, the spot where she had first seen him, and she thought of him just sitting there, a lump of vital energy just waiting for a chance to explode. And Lucas was like that, always there, always ready, always waiting for the opportunity to do something for her. She brushed a tear away. She couldn’t start crying now. She wasn’t a crier. She hadn’t cried since her mother died, and besides that, the passengers were beginning to come out of the station and there would be no end to the questions and sidelong glances thrown her way if they saw tears. As far as she could gather, women were supposed to be just as hard and tough as men, and if they ever did cry, which of course they probably wouldn’t admit, they would only do it in private or in the company of another female. So Carrie rose to her feet, put on her brightest smile, and went to meet the passengers.

“You set the finest table on the whole Overland line, ma’am,” one of the passengers said, a plump middle-aged banker type. “But you’d better keep an eye on that Irish gal, or some hungry rancher is going to steal her away from you.”

“Thank you, sir, but I prepare half the food, so I guess I could prepare the rest if I had to.”

“Well now, you might be in some danger yourself. I hear tell it gets mighty lonely being a widow.”

“Maybe you have also heard that widows are mighty hard to please.” The man laughed heartily.

“Maybe, but it would be near-about impossible to find a man who wouldn’t be pleased with you.”

“Thank you, sir, but if you don’t get on the stage, you’re going to be late getting home, and I doubt that would please your wife.”

“None at all,” he agreed, and took his place on the stage. Jerry Blake sauntered out last of all, picking his teeth and in no hurry to get started. Carrie removed the nose bags and then waited for him to climb up on the box.

“There’s two stages coming through tomorrow,” he said insolently. “You’re going to have to find horses from somewhere.”

“I’m aware of the schedule and the number of horses required, Mr. Blake. I assure you there will be horses for every stage that comes through here tomorrow.”

“I doubt you’ll find changes for two teams in town. There ain’t many extra horses about just now.”

“I’ll manage.” Carrie had tried, but she just couldn’t like Jerry Blake. The fact that he didn’t every try to like her didn’t help.

But just then everyone’s attention was drawn to the sound of horses’ hooves, lots of them, and Carrie turned around to see a herd of horses approaching at a fast trot. Lucas was back! They had found the horses and he was back!

Without a second’s hesitation she was racing toward the corral, the tears she had resolutely held back under the tree flowing freely now. She hadn’t realized just how tense she was, how intently she had been listening for just this sound, and now the relief was awful and wonderful at the same time. The corral poles were just as the Indians had left them, and oblivious to the dust and the danger of being struck by a shod hoof, Carrie hurried up to help point the herd toward the opening to the corral. But no matter how much she tried to keep busy to distract herself, her eyes searched for Lucas, and her heart beat faster when she saw him bringing up the rear, herding the last reluctant horse into the corral. Her heart swelled with pride. This was her man, she thought, a man who went after Indians as though it were no more than an ordinary task, a man who considered protecting her to be an accepted part of his daily life, of seeing that all that was important to her ran as she wanted it to run, a man who only lost his temper in her interest. How could she ever have doubted what he meant to her? How could she have allowed anything such as different ideas about marriage to lead her to think she could live without him? This was
her
man, and she fervently hoped she was his woman.

“Jake, you go help Jerry unhitch the team while Lucas and I harness a fresh one.” Carrie settled down to work, hoping to give herself time to recover. She hurried to the barn, caught up as many harnesses as she could carry, and went back to where Lucas was already cutting out the team. The horses were still worked up and she had to hold the first two so he could throw the harnesses over their backs, but they quickly setded down as he started fastening all the hooks and buckles, and Carrie went back for the rest of the harnesses.

“What have you been crying about?” Lucas asked as he suddenly looked up over the back of the horse he was working on.

“I haven’t been crying,” Carrie insisted. “It’s just all this dust has made my eyes water.”

“You’d better splash some water on your face before you go back, or people are going to start asking questions.” Carrie didn’t dare meet his eyes. She didn’t know whether he believed her, she didn’t even want to know, she only wanted to hide her tears. She didn’t know why she should be so ashamed to admit she cried with happiness and relief, she supposed it was because she had no idea what had been going on in her heart and head since that talk on the porch, but she knew she wasn’t ready to face the people on the stage or their questions. She bathed her eyes in the cool water from the trough, dried her face quickly, and was ready to face Jake when he led the old team to the barn.

“Blake’s anxious to be off. Says you’re going to cause him to be late and get him in trouble.”

“He has all the excuse he needs, and he knows it,” Carrie said.

“Looks like one to cause trouble if you ask me.”

“But not one to know how to handle it,” Lucas said, coming up with the fresh team.

“The sooner we get this team hitched up and the stage on its way, the sooner we can see about getting you some dinner,” Carrie said. “I’ve had enough of Jerry Blake for one day already.”

“I could do with some food,” Jake said. “I ain’t had anything since breakfast.”

“And I haven’t eaten at all today,” Lucas said. “I broke camp early, thinking how much better the food at the station would taste than anything I could rustle up.”

“And instead of a hot meal, you were met by another crisis you had to solve,” Carrie fmished for him. “Just consider yourself close to sainthood and you won’t feel so hard used.” Lucas smiled in spite of himself.