Collision Force (25 page)

He’d told Ethan he loved him. What about her? Why didn’t Cole love her?

“Mama, Mama.” Ethan’s panicked tone made her force one breath, then two.

What the hell was she doing?

Get it together, Andi. Now.

His blue eyes as wide as saucers, Andi forced a smile and ruffled his hair. She swiped at her face with her free hand, but the tears wouldn’t quit.

“Mama. Crying? Mama, don’t cry!” Ethan grabbed her hand and squeezed.

She gathered her little boy onto her lap, burying her face against him as his small arms shot around her neck. Cole’s clean masculine scent clinging to his T-shirt tickled her nose. Her eyes slipped closed.

Oh, God.

How was she supposed to get past this?

Ethan patted her back and hugged her tight. “Mama,” he whispered.

Forcing a breath, she pulled back as her son nestled closer on her lap. “I’m okay, buddy.”

His gaze was confused and she bit her lip. She needed to get it together.
Fast.
If not for herself, for Ethan. It wasn’t fair for him to see her like this.

“I’m okay,” Andi repeated, sniffling. “I’ll be okay.”

He nodded and patted her cheek. She smiled and grabbed his little hand, pressing a noisy kiss into his palm that made him giggle.

“I miss Cole, Mama.”

She blew out another breath, her heart stuttering. “I do, too.” And it was true, God, it was true. Gone only ten minutes and her heart…her
life
would never be the same.

Andi ran her hand against Ethan’s soft curls, fighting another sob.

Letting Cole go because it was what he needed was the right thing to do.

Right?

Case aside, his life was sixteen hundred miles away. Not in a small Texas city. Not even for Andi and Ethan. After he caught Maldonado, he could get back to the matter at hand—getting Caselli. Despite his undercover work, the surface was barely scratched. He
needed
to be in New York. That should have comforted her.

Being his lover was always going to be a temporary thing. Andi had gone to bed with him—had him in
her
bed—with both eyes open. Cole had never promised her a damn thing. So why the devastation?

Because you love him, stupid.

And it wasn’t Cole’s fault she’d fallen for him.
Fool.

He’d always seemed to sense what she needed. After their interlude in the living room, he’d held her until she’d fallen asleep. Tender touches, soft kisses leading the way. No pressure to do anything but be together.

Why hadn’t she told him then? His eyes had been deep pools of molten steel, tender heat that had affected her as much as his hands on her body. Feeling that had made her burn for more.

Andi should have told him she loved him.

Today he’d stood across the room, away from her, Ethan the only one in his arms. How could someone so close be so far away? Untouchable.

Now he was gone, without so much as a kiss goodbye.

He was
gone
. He’d
left.
No word about a return.

Pain threatened to double her over and she clung to Ethan. The metallic tang of her own blood hit her tongue. She’d bitten into her lip to stave off more tears. Unsuccessfully. “Oh, God.”

“Mama?”

Shit,
she’d spoken aloud. “It’s okay, Ethan.” Her voice shook.

He looked even more confused. Andi caressed his cheek and his eyes welled with tears.

No, please. Don’t let him cry.

“I want Cole.” His bottom lip trembled.

She held him closer. The little boy sniffled loudly, a tear sliding down his cheek.

“Don’t cry, baby.”

I can’t take it if he makes you cry, too.

She tried to swallow back her own sob and lost the battle. Her vision blurred, her chest heaving.

“I want Cole.” Ethan’s stubborn demand was punctuated with him crossing his arms over his small chest.

“I do too, buddy, I do too.”

“Why’d he go?”

Andi crushed her eyes and bit the inside of her cheek. “He had to.”

Ethan’s eyes were misty and earnest when she met his gaze. “I want him home.”

Home.
How did she tell him Cole had
gone
home? His home wasn’t truly
their
home.

Wiping his tears, she rocked him in her arms.

Neither of them would ever be the same again. The only question was who would cry more?

Chapter Twenty-Two

She had to sprint away mid-sentence. Andi made it to the ladies’ room just in time to throw up. Pete would likely come after her. His concern would even be genuine, but what the hell was she supposed to say to him?
None of your business
never worked with her partner.

The menacing tiny blue plus sign popped into her mind, as fresh as it had been four weeks ago when she’d taken the test because Mother Nature had been two weeks tardy to her monthly party. Now she had a nine month suspension notice—well, more like seven and a half.

Tears streaming hot, sobs had racked her body, as she’d stood at her dresser in her bedroom after taking the test, staring at the wedding ring she’d taken off only about a year before—at Pete’s urging. Iain’s ring. What had she been crying about? Andi still wasn’t sure exactly. Loss. Love. Life?

Cole was gone, too. They’d both left her with a child.

Heart pounding, Andi stood and reached to flush the toilet, then brushed off her khakis. Wobbly legs took her to the sink. She rinsed her mouth out, splashed cold water on her face and prayed for control.

Pete wasn’t stupid. He’d been there when she was pregnant with Ethan. She’d been sick as a dog the first four months.

If her partner hadn’t followed her to the bathroom—she was lucky he hadn’t burst inside—the third degree would descend before her ass hit her seat.

He’d been gone almost two months. Andi’s gut clenched, but it wasn’t nausea. Pain threatened to double her over. She rested her hands on her knees and panted.

No calls. No texts. No emails. Hell, not even snail mail.

It was as if she’d never existed to him.

He made you no promises,
a voice reminded. She crushed her eyes shut and took a deep breath, then another.

Cole could pretend all he wanted that they had never been, but proof grew safely inside her. Andi rested her hand low on her belly and tried to calm her heart and her thoughts.

What had she expected—that he would get back to New York and they’d talk every day? Skype? Carry on a long-distance relationship? They’d barely had a
relationship
at all. He hadn’t even called to let her know he’d got there all right.

The rational side of her brain reared its ugly head. He was working his case. He was…busy. Right?

Andi had been trolling the news—TV and websites—hell, even watchdog websites. Nothing. No human trafficking king pin apprehended, not even a low man on the totem pole like Maldonado.

Pete’s brother Nate was the assistant district attorney assigned to the Gains and Reese murders, and knew nothing new either. Texas still waited for its turn with Maldonado.

Wouldn’t Cole or Lee let them know they’d got him? Were their ties
that
severed? Andi worried her bottom lip, teeth sinking in with a sting she ignored.

As soon as she’d made it back to her desk, Pete’s gaze was appraising. She glanced around the room. Damn good thing everyone was out. He would be blunt, and it would be now, at work or not.

“Sorry. I think I’m coming down with something.” Her breath released on a sigh as soon as her butt hit the chair.

Pete leaned on the edge of her desk, crossing his arms over his chest. She disregarded the memories of Cole in that same spot, same posture. Hell, even with the same look on his face.

“I’ll say,” he said, his green gaze sharp.

Well, it was worth a shot.
Andi tried for a quick subject change. “Want me to get you some coffee? Mine’s cold.” Grabbing her cup and peering inside, she swirled around the brown contents.

Her partner threw his palm up. “Uh-uh.”

“No coffee? Well, I’m gonna get some.” She shot to her feet.

“I think not. Park it. My bullshit meter is screaming. You and I both know what’s
ailing
you, Andi MacLaren.”

“We do?” she croaked.

Pete gave her a long look. “What did Cole say?”

“About?”

“Andi.” Pete glared.

She sighed.

“What’d your man say?” he prompted.

“He’s not my man,” Andi said, frowning. She bit her lip when tears threatened and swallowed against the lump in her throat. She would
not
cry at work.

“The man has a right to know he’s going to be a father.”

She closed her eyes, but tears leaked then poured.

He tried to pull her into his arms, but she pushed him away. It wasn’t her partner’s comfort she wanted.

“He left. I know he had to go, but…” Her voice broke on a sob, and she allowed Pete to wrap her into an embrace.

“I think he loves you,” Pete whispered against her hair. “And sure as shit you love him.”

She would have denied it, but he’d see right through her anyway. Her partner always did. “I do. I love him.” Pain hit square in the chest and Andi closed her eyes against Pete’s shoulder, inhaling his woodsy cologne. It was a pleasant scent, but it wasn’t Cole’s.

“Look, I’ll be here for you no matter what, you know that. But you need to tell Cole Lucas what he’s left behind.”

“I can’t. He’s needed in New York. He…has his case. It’s what he cares about most.”

Pete scowled, but wiped her tears away with gentle hands when she pulled out of his arms. “Don’t think for the man.”

“He made no promises. Cole’s not coming back.” She sank into her chair, gut twisting. Besides, Andi didn’t want him if he was obligated to come back for her…them. Cole had to want her like she wanted him.

“You never gave him a reason to stay, Andi.”

Anger flared and she glared at him. “Should I have had to? If
you’re
so sure he loves me, why the hell didn’t
he
say that?” She sniffled, but took the tissue he yanked from the box on her desk when he offered it to her.

Sighing, Pete shook his head.

Andi was dying inside without Cole. How would she ever get over him? So far, the time apart from him had only served to make her miserable. He haunted her thoughts, dreams and days. But she wasn’t sorry she was having his child. Andi would have a piece of him to hold in her arms.

“Are you surprised?” she asked, studying Pete’s disapproving expression.

“That you love Cole, no. That you got knocked up, hell yeah. There are tons of contraceptives available these days, partner.” One corner of his mouth shot up.

Heat rushed her cheeks. “Yeah, well…”

Pete snorted and she looked away. “Are you happy?” he whispered when her eyes welled with tears again.

She snatched another tissue. “About the baby?”

“That too, but I meant in general. Are. You. Happy?” He dragged out the words and she nodded, wiping her eyes. He tweaked her nose. “Liar,” he said softly.

“I’ll live.”

“I know. You’re a survivor. You’ll have this baby and raise him or her with Ethan. I’m not worried about that. What’s bugging me is that you’ll be unhappy about it for the rest of your life. Cole Lucas changed you for the better. You changed him, too. I saw it with my own eyes. And I don’t think he’d be all that upset about the baby. Even if he would—I’ll kick his ass, worry not—he has a right to know.”

What could she say to that? She agreed, but hated he was right. Guilt slowly rose from the pit of her stomach. She couldn’t hide behind the
he’s busy with his case
thing forever. He might not love her, but Cole was a good guy. He might offer to come back.

Andi couldn’t do that to him. A ready-made family was a trap for a guy like him. He’d said on day one he didn’t do small towns.

Was she afraid Cole would reject her, Ethan and their child? Or was she trying to punish him for leaving? Ignoring her. Getting back to his case—his life—with a new
female
partner and no contact. Was he
busy
with Lee? Was that the
real
reason he hadn’t called?

Her chest tightened, and it hurt to breathe. She couldn’t speak.

“Heartache sucks ass, I know,” Pete said. “But
regret
is even worse. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t tell Cole about his kid. And what you’ll regret even more than that is not telling him you love him. I know you too well, partner.”

“I just can’t, Pete,” Andi whispered.

“It’s not worth the risk, then?” His eyes bored into her. His logic burned.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re miserable now. He’s there, you’re here. Fifteen plus hundred miles away. He has no idea how you feel, or that he’s left something so important behind—and I don’t just mean the baby. What’s a phone call going to hurt?”

“I couldn’t tell him over the phone, anyway,” Andi protested.

“Obviously you’re not willing to see if you’re the only one hurting. Don’t you want to know how he feels about you?”

“I just
can’t.
Not right now anyway. Drop it, okay? We have work to do. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Coward,” Pete muttered.

Bingo.
Andi scowled. She didn’t need to hear it from him.

Her partner glared right back. “It doesn’t matter if I drop it now or later. It doesn’t change the fact that Cole has the right to know about his kid, bottom line. I’ve never had a problem telling you how I really feel and I’m not gonna start now. I’ll continue to bring it up until you change your mind.”

“Dammit, Pete,” she said, crossing her arms. “He told Ethan he loved him.” It was supposed to be a retort, but it had come out choked, pained.

Pete closed his eyes for a moment, his expression sympathetic. “Wow, sounds like a real asshole to me.”

She forced a breath. No more tears at work. “I didn’t say that. We didn’t get along at first, but…that changed. We…worked well together.”