Collateral Damage (From the Damage) (13 page)

She wanted to slap him. To grab him, shake him, and make him see what she saw. Convince him
that he wasn’t a horrible person, tell him that he was the strongest person she knew and she could put up with his hot-and-cold attitude if only he’d admit that there was something between them. But he was too stubborn, too wounded and shell-shocked to do that. So, instead, she grabbed the doorknob and pulled the door open. “Why don’t you give me a call when you figure that out?”

She left, waiting until she was out in the hallway before she finally let a single tear fall. Squeezing her eyes shut, she waited for the pain to pass, telling herself she had no right to feel like this, no right to be jealous or angry.

But she was green with envy. Sick with anger. And she couldn’t help but wonder…if she was a little more like Kendall, a little more fun, a little more careless, would Gage be interested in her?

***

Kay

***

When Alex came back to the hotel room with a takeout bag from McDonald’s, he found Kay sitting on the bed, her knees pulled up to her chest and her chin resting on them. Her puffy, swollen eyes stared absently at a TV game show.

“Hey,” he said cautiously. “How’d it go?”

Kay shrugged, and he took a seat in front of her.

“That bad, huh?”

“She agreed to sign a lease for me,” Kay said finally, but she didn’t sound excited about it.

“That’s a good thing, right?”

“Yeah, I guess. But I still have to break the news to my dad. Chances are he’ll break my arm and we’ll have his-and-hers casts.”

She chuckled, like this was a joke, but he didn’t find it very funny. “She won’t help you do that?”

“She said she’d drive down on Tuesday and we’d do it together. But I’ll believe it when I see it.”

He nodded, understanding her lack of faith. Though he wasn’t really hungry anymore, he reached into the take-out bag and pulled out his cheeseburger. Then he
offered the bag to her.

“I got you a salad,” he said. “And a Frappe.”

She smiled. “Thanks.”

He nodded again. Then finally, the guilty words spilled out. “Look…Kay…I’m so sorry for sticking my nose in where it didn’t belong. Sorry for dragging you down here. I should’ve just—”

“Hey,” she said softly, interrupting him. “I’m glad you found out. I mean, at least now I know the score, right? It’s better than being in the dark.”

“You think so?” he asked.

“Yes.” She sighed and looked at the clock. “I’d better get home. Dad gave me a list of chores before he left.”

For a second, he didn’t understand why Kay would be thinking of chores at a time like this. Then he started to understand that if she didn’t get the work done, she’d probably get into a lot of trouble.

“Want some help?” he offered. “Sure, I can only use one hand. But it’s yours if you need it.”

***

Ryder

***

Ryder walked through the abandoned parking lot where the fighting matches were held. It was Saturday night and the place was packed with people excited to see bloodshed.

With any luck, Ryder would get a fair amount of blood out of Seth.
After talking Meagan earlier and seeing how upset she’d been about the pictures, he’d decided it was time to go against his pacifist ways. Sometimes a jerk just needed a good beating. 

Ryder’s body went stiff and rigid when he saw the rapist, standing by the hood of a car with his arm wrapped around Lena, the girl that always gave Meagan such a hard time. And as Ryder watched the two of them laugh with their friends, he was filled with anger and resentment. All he wanted to do was show the world how dangerous Seth truly was.

He picked up his stride and crossed the parking lot to confront Seth. “You think you can fight someone your own size for a change?” Ryder called, gaining the boy’s attention.

Seth laughed with the cocky arrogance that made Ryder want to beat his face in. “Why? You
offering?”

“Yeah, I am.” Ryder stopped in front of Seth, keeping an even, steady gaze on him. “I mean, you did such a bang up job running Meagan off the road. You almost got her killed. I’d like to see how you handle yourself when you’re not protected by your car.”

Lena shot Ryder a glare. “Seth had nothing to do with Meagan’s accident.”

“
You keep believing that, princess,” he said to her. “But if you were smart, you’d get the hell outta dodge before you’re his next victim.”

Seth reached up and shoved Ryder
’s shoulder then, and it made his patience snap. He lunged for Seth, fists swinging, barely missing Lena’s face in the process. Screaming, she ducked out of the way and retreated a few steps, where a small crowd had gathered. 

Suddenly, someone pulled Ryder back and he saw it was Shane. “Hey, if you guys want to fight then fine,” Shane said, slurring like he was already drunk. “But save it for the ring.”

“Then let’s go,” Ryder challenged, feeling the anger and desire for revenge flood him. “If you’re man enough.”

“Pay up,” Shane said, sticking his hand out for the money and using the other to wave the announcer down.

Ryder dug into his pocket for the money, counting out three fives and a twenty, before Seth handed Shane a hundred dollar bill first. “Save it,” Seth said to Ryder. “Wouldn’t wanna take your lunch money.”

Anger and adrenaline pumping high, he started after the jock again, but Shane grabbed him and ushered him to the center of the parking lot, where the make-shift ring was set up.

“You act like you’re so high and mighty,” Seth said, his eyes glowing with menace. “Like you care about Meagan so much more than I do. Like you’re better than me.”

“I am better than you,” Ryder spat. “You’re just a perverted freak who can’t get laid while the girl’s conscious.”

Seth laughed and tossed a glance over his shoulder. The crowd had formed a circle around them, eagerly waiting for the whistle to blow and the fight to begin. Leaning in close to Ryder, he whispered. “Where do you think I got that GHB cocktail, huh? From
you
.”

Ryder fell silent, his mind working to deny the accusation. But somewhere deep inside, he knew it was true. He knew he’d recognized Seth from somewhere, and he knew that someday his careless wheeling and dealing would come back to haunt him
again. Shocked, he stared at the boy in front of him, wanting to punch and kick and beat the living daylights out of him. But he couldn’t bring himself to move. All he could think was
‘What will I tell Meagan?’

“So thanks, bro,” Seth said, obviously enjoying every word. “I couldn’t have done it without you.”

Just then, the whistle blew and Seth punched Ryder in the face.  So lost in his guilty thoughts, Ryder was completely blindsided by the blow. The force knocked him off his feet and flat onto his back, and Seth didn’t give him the chance to get up.

He pounced on Ryder, throwing punch after punch and mangling Ryder’s face. At first, Ryder struggled to get free, to get away so he could sort his thoughts out, but then he just gave up. He let Seth give him the
pummeling he deserved, after all, sometimes a jerk just needed a good beating.

Chapter 10

Ryder

Ryder trembled as he forced himself to walk up the sidewalk to Meagan’s house. It was late, at least eleven o’clock, and part of him hoped she was still awake. He climbed the stairs, and in the dark of night he saw his reflection in the screen door. His lip was busted and blood trickled from a cut around his eyebrow. The bruising and swelling made him look almost unrecognizable.

He knew that in just a few minutes, Meagan wouldn’t be able to recognize him either, and it would have nothing to do with the damage to his face. And even though she was the most amazing person he knew, the strongest, the sweetest, how could somebody even as pure spirited as her forgive him for such a cruel act?

Lost in thought, he barely realized the door was opening, making him flash back to reality. There Meagan stood, a crutch under her arm to help support her broken leg, wearing a purple t-shirt and pajama pants. Her red hair hung across her shoulder in a wave of fiery curls.
The beauty of her make-up free face and the innocent expression on it took him by surprise and he lost all concentration, lost all of the words he’d prepared to say.

“Oh my God, Ryder—” she exclaimed as she pushed the screen door open. “What happened to you?”

He caught another glimpse of himself in the glass. “I just…saw someone I hoped I’d never see again.”

She led him inside to the kitchen. “You couldn’t shake his hand?”

He followed slowly behind her, each step reluctant and forced, as he watched her move herself along, using her crutch for balance.

Pushing him into a kitchen chair, she hurried to the counter and wetted a wash cloth in the sink. It took her a little longer to get around with the crutch, which only broke his heart more.

“Meg, just wait a sec. I have to tell you something.”

“Whatever it is it can wait until we get you cleaned up.” She sat in front of him and used a damp cloth to wipe the blood off his face. Her soft hand grazed his cheek, but instead of leaving the usual trail of warmth and tingles, he felt disgusted. Undeserving.

“I’m fine.” He jerked his head away from her, unable to stand the thought of her touching him. Not now, after learning about the role he’d played in her rape. “Well, I guess it’s pretty obvious I’m not fine.”

“You think?” She placed a hand on her hip. “What’s going on, Ryder?”

Her eyes never left his, concerned and puzzled, making this so much harder. Drawing in a deep breath, he forced himself to spit the words out. “
I’m
responsible for what happened to you.”

Meagan narrowed her eyes. “What happened to me…what are you talking about?”

“I’m the one…” He swallowed hard, trying to get the courage to drop the bombshell. The one that would surely make her leave him.

She stared at him in confusion, on the brink of betrayal and he
wanted to look away, but couldn’t. “I’m the one who sold Seth the GHB…the night he used it to rape you.”

“What? No you didn’t,” she said, with a breathless laugh of denial that broke his heart. “You didn’t sell drugs, right? Just…
other stuff?”

He shook his head. “It’s true. I know it’s true.”

“You wouldn’t…”

“I did.”

She dropped her hand to her lap and stared at him. Those bright green eyes swirling with a mix of anger and bewilderment. “Seth told me that, and I didn’t believe him.”

Swallowing hard over a lump in his throat, he felt so bad for her he couldn’t take it. He’d never meant to cause her to misplace her trust, and yet, that’s exactly what he’d done.

In denial, she shook her head gently. “No…y—you held me when I cried…you listened to me talk about all my problems. You saw how much it was tearing me up inside and you told me it wasn’t my fault. Now you’re saying you were behind it the whole time? Was it a joke between the two of you? To see how many times the two of you could screw up my life? Why?”

Her words sliced through him like a knife, and he wished he could just bleed to death and get it over with. “I would never do that,” he said desperately. “I would never
hurt
you on
purpose
.”

“So this whole…thing between you and me was out of pity, then? Like how you’ve played the hero ever since the shooting. You stuck around because you felt bad about what you did.”

“No, Meagan, I didn’t even know until now. I swear. I’d forgotten I ever even saw that drug, until he threw it up in my face and that’s when I realized what I’d done—”

“Seth told you? He’s the one who did this to you?”

”I deserve worse.”

“Why?” she asked again, her voice a hoarse whisper. “Why’d you do it?”

His throat seemed to close up on him, so even if he’d known the answer, he wouldn’t have been able to speak it.

“It’s a date-rape drug, Ryder! Why would you sell it to anybody?” Standing, she turned away from him, being so unbearably silent that he wanted to cry and beg for her forgiveness.

Opening his mouth, he
started to explain the reasoning’s he’d drummed up on the way over, but even to him it sounded ridiculous. “Sometimes people take it to get high.”
He
stared down at his bloody fist. “I guess I thought…I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking, Meagan, I never did. There’s no excuse.”

She
whirled around. “You’re right, there’s not.” Anger flashed in her eyes. “So you were poor, and abandoned, and I feel for you, but that doesn’t give you the right to put
dangerous
weapons in the hands of
dangerous
people.”

She
stared at him, like he was an idiot, the worst kind of scum. “Maybe you didn’t know exactly what Seth was going to do with the drug. But what did you think Peyton was going to do with the gun?”

He
felt something inside him go still and cold, and he felt like that twelve year old boy hiding under his bed, while social workers knocked on the door, ready to scrutinize his entire life.

“You said it yourself. You didn’t think. You never thought about the consequences. You say you’ve changed, but just take a look at yourself.”
She shook her head
as her gaze raked over him. “You rush right over here to fess up in your part of what happened to me, and yet you haven’t said a word to Gage, or any other of the shooting survivors. People died, Ryder. Teenagers and teachers. And Gage’s baby is growing up without her mom.” Her voice was soft now, barely above a whisper because she felt so much compassion for the people she spoke of. “And you think I’m the one who needs your apology?”

“I…I
know I can’t make this right.” Standing to his feet, he reached out to hold her, feel some proof that she wasn’t completely fading out of his life, all the while he knew he had no right. “But maybe there’s something else I can do. Some way to…”

“What?”
She recoiled, hobbling back with that one crutch, her hand squeezing the handle bar so tight her knuckles had gone pale. “Earn redemption? You really think you can do that?”

“
I have to try.”

Meagan swallowed hard and nodded slowly, quickly wiping a tear from her eye. Turning her head to look at him, an ounce of sympathy flashed across her face but only for a moment. “I think it’s best if I don’t see you for a while.”

Ryder hung his head in shame; he’d known the fallout would be brutal, but he’d hoped that somehow she’d forgive him. That she would see past his mistakes, like she always did. But this…it was just too much to forgive.

H
e wasn’t surprised, and knew he deserved much worse. 

Though every part of him wanted to comfort her, to make this all okay, he knew that being around him was the last thing she needed right now. He walked to the door opened it and then turned around to see her beautiful face one more time.

She’d followed him to the door, she only stood about a foot away, and he took her all in. As if memorizing every part of her in case she never spoke to him again. It was that moment that he realized he was head over heels in love with her; she was the
only
one for him.

“I promise you, Meagan,” he looked her directly in the eyes and prayed she knew how serious he was. “I will make Seth pay for what he’s done to you.”

Meagan couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. He wanted to go to her. To hold her in his arms and tell her it was going to be okay, but as much as he hated it, all he could do was walk away. It was the best way to protect her.

***

Kelly

***

Kelly stormed into Kendall’s bedroom and found her sitting on the floor, a six-pack with three bottles missing sitting in front of her. Legs crossed, she sat staring down at her cell phone, using the other to bring a beer bottle to her lips. Kelly stuck out her arm, shoving her journal into Kendall’s line of vision.

“Seriously?” Kelly
demanded, a hand on her hip. “You stole my journal? And then read it to Gage?”

Kendall looked over at Kelly, disinterested at first, but then a smile of recognition curved her lips. “So he chose the return to owner option. Interesting.”

“Why would you do something like that? How could you humiliate me like that?” Kelly crossed her arms and waited. “
Why
?”

Kendall sat back against the footboard and looked up at Kelly through her eyelashes. “
To see that look on your face.”

Kelly tossed the journal onto Kendall’s bed and raked a hand through her hair as she groaned in frustration
, on the verge of having a full-blown temper tantrum. “It’s not bad enough that now I have to sit in group with both of you, knowing you guys had some steamy fling. But now I have to know that Gage knows every pathetic word I ever said about him? Thanks a lot, Kendall. Way to lend a hand!”

Clumsily, she stood to her feet and pointed at Kelly with her bottle. Her words slurred and her hazy eyes searched for Kelly as if she were seeing double. “Now, we’re even.”

“Even?” Kelly gawked, throwing her hands in the air. “For what?”

“For
what
?” Kendall repeated, enraged that Kelly was clueless. “For replacing me!”

Kelly narrowed her eyes, bewildered, anger dissipating,
insight sinking in, while Kendall ranted drunkenly.

“Since the moment Jodi and dad married, it’s like I’ve been invisible. I mean, why would they want
damaged and broken me, when they could have perfect and flawless Kelly instead? Why would they want the sinner when they can have the saint?”

Kelly held her hands up, trying to rationalize with her step-sister. “I’m no saint, Kendall. You’ve got me all wrong.”

“Maybe I do.” Kendall crossed her arms in a defensive stance and raised a challenging eyebrow. “Your journal was enlightening. You’re so ashamed of
something
that you only refer to it as ‘the incident’. So what is it you can’t say, Kelly? What’d you do that was so horrible?”

Kelly felt her emotions ice over. All the anger, concern and sympathy disappeared, replaced by that steely barrier she’d come to rely on so much.

Keeping her gaze steady and provoking, Kendall taunted, “What was it that made you abandon your squad, dump your boyfriend and cut yourself off from the world? What’s your damage, Kelly?”

She drew in a steady breath, keeping her cool. Knowing better than to let Kendall’s techniques work.
The girl lived on drama, needed to create it for whatever reason, and Kelly wasn’t about to fuel the fire. “What’s
yours
?”

“See?” Kendall said triumphantly. “You’re so concerned with keeping face. You
want
everyone to think you’re perfect, so no one will ever guess that behind it all, you’re just as screwed up as I am. You’re the biggest fraud I’ve ever met. That’s why I hate you.”

“Maybe I am a fraud,” Kelly said, grabbing her journal off the bed. “But at least I’m not a slut who sleeps with a married man while his wife is pregnant.”

Kendall gawked, her temper flaring as Kelly made a b-line for the door. “At least I got there,” Kendall shouted after her, “I doubt you ever will!”

Kelly slammed the door shut behind her, muffling the last of Kendall’s words.

***

Ryder

***

After leaving Meagan, Ryder found his way to another party. Another packed house, belonging to someone he didn’t know whose parents were out of town on some cruise. He wasn’t in a celebrating mood, but it was better to be a nameless face in the crowd than a number at the group home.

Seth’s car was among those parked in the driveway, but Ryder hadn’t found him yet. So he stayed on the outside, looking in, like he always did. Watching the drunken teenagers dance and laugh and talk and smoke pot or snort powders, and wondering what the appeal was for them.

Even before the shooting, Ryder had preferred to stay sober. Sure, he’d burn a joint with a customer if it meant closing a deal, but that was where his using ended. He’d always been much more attracted to the money those things would get him than the effect they’d have on his mind.