Collateral (24 page)

I'll go check with the nurse. Be right

back.
While she does, I send Cole

a text message with the news I know.

I strongly suggest, “Go take a shower.

I'll root through your fridge. See what

I can find.” She goes off in search of hot

water. I go off in search of sustenance.

Not much in the refrigerator. I try

the freezer and score calzones. Preheat

the oven. Put them in to bake for twenty

minutes. About the time they start to smell

really good, Dar comes into the kitchen, trailing

the scent of Garnier Fructis shampoo. I know

because I use it, too. We discovered it together.

“Calzones, okay? You need to go to the store.”

I hate eating alone, so I don't grocery shop

very often. Usually I just grab a bite after

the gym. If I see Kenny, we eat out or he cooks.

She sits on a stool at the granite-skinned

bar.
Actually, I had planned on moving in

with Kenny after I told Spence. We picked

out this nice little house at Hermosa

Beach. Kenny says I don't have to work.

I thought I could finish my degree and

after we got married, maybe have a baby . . . .

She had picked up speed with every word,

until the last. The sudden stop reminds me.

If ever. The buzzer rings. Calzones

are ready. I put them on the counter

to cool, reach up into the cupboard

for plates. When I put them down

on the bar in front of Dar, she puts

her hand on mine.
Hey. What's that?

The ring. I'd forgotten about it.

My cheeks sizzle. “Uh, that was

Cole's surprise. We're getting

married. He wants a June

wedding. That's about as far

as our planning got, so I'm going

to need all kinds of help from

you. You'll be my maid of honor,

right?” I didn't realize it, but my own

vocal tempo had picked up, too.

It was almost as if I didn't want

her to comment too quickly. Not

that I should have worried, I guess.

She is quiet as I slide a calzone

onto each plate, put forks beside them.

When I ask about napkins, she

points to paper towels and says,

Are you fucking out of your mind?

The power to soothe. The power

to skewer someone through

the heart. The power to render

someone speechless. I manage

to stutter, “Wha-what do you mean?”

The expression on her face is something

approaching fury.
A Marine? Who

in their right mind would marry

a Marine? I mean, when Spence

and I got married, I had no idea

what I was getting into. But you?

How could you marry Cole, knowing

what you do? Jesus, Ashley! I like Cole,

I do. but he's a soldier, and that

means he'll never belong completely

to you. What about
your
dreams?

They'll always come second because

what the good ol' U.S. of A. desires

has to come first. Why do you feel

the need to mess with the good thing

you've got going? Without that stupid

piece of paper, you can walk any time

you decide you've had enough. It's not

like you
have to
get married, right?

“Have to? You mean, like, am I

pregnant? How old-fashioned of

you, Dar. And glad you have such

a high opinion of me. Like I don't

understand how to use birth control?

Even if I didn't, I'd never use it as

an excuse to get married. You didn't

marry Spence because you were

pregnant, ri—?” Holy crap. This

is so not the time to bring up

her possible pregnancy. Besides, if

they got married because of that,

why would she have had an abortion?

No, that doesn't make sense. And now

I've gone and put my foot in my mouth.

All I had to do was complete the word.

Instead, I skidded to a stop one consonant

sound short and now she looks at me

with suspicion, like I've been spading

her personal ground. “Sorry. Look, I've

dissected the marriage idea for years.

Alternately dismissed and embraced it.

I've stuck with Cole through amazing

highs and impossible lows. That has to

be worth something. This has nothing

to do with being pregnant, although

I wouldn't mind having kids at some

point. Don't you want a family, Dar?”

Why do I keep shooting off my mouth?

Then again, I've opened the door.

She sighs.
I don't know. Maybe.

But it isn't high on my list. Right

now I have to get through this

mess before I can even think about

the future. Any future. But whatever

happens, I won't have kids with Spence.

Untouched. Goes to her liquor cabinet.

Doesn't ask if I want some, doesn't try

to explain why she does. She pours two

glasses of something clear. I can't see

the label from here. Alcohol to smudge

the edges—the grunt way. “Please eat

too, okay? I mean, I slaved all day to

make that incredible calzone for you.”

The humor blunts the tension. Dar nibbles

a little, drinks a lot. Gin, it turns out. Not

my favorite, especially straight, but I go

ahead and join her. When things get a bit

fuzzy, she clears her throat.
Ah-um.

I was pregnant when I married Spencer,

Ash. Everything just happened so fast,

you know? My mom would probably

have supported me, but my dad would

have killed me. A wedding seemed like

the easiest solution. Spence was so happy.

But then he went away, and he was gone

for so long. I couldn't imagine raising

a baby alone. I mean, I was just a kid

myself. I wanted to go out. Wanted to

party. Diapers and bottles and whatever?

I just couldn't do it.
She pauses, and her

face contorts, a precursor to the tears

that follow.
I had an abortion, Ash. I

thought it would be easy, but it was

awful. I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

Some things shouldn't be kept secret.

And sometimes it's just a fluke that

they are dragged out into the light.

After the Disneyland birthday fiasco,

Cole put in for holiday leave and we

actually celebrated Christmas together.

He had met my parents the previous

year, and since we were still a thing,

he decided it was finally time to take

me home to Wyoming. It was blowing

Christmas Eve snow when we landed at

the little airport. A white-knuckle landing,

which had me uptight.
I've been through

worse,
Cole soothed.
And so has this pilot,

I'm guessing. Anyway, God's smiling.

Felt more like God was pissed off

to me, but he arranged for a safe

touchdown on the small runway.

Cole's mom was there to meet us,

along with her new leading man, Dale.

I was so nervous, I was shaking, and

not just because of the weather.

What if she hated me? She and Cole

were so tight. I had crazy ideas about

some imposing Wild West woman wanting

to keep Cole and me apart. Instead, I met

a gentle lady, countrified, to be sure, but more

Bridges of Madison County
than
True Grit
.

I'm not sure how someone so petite

could have created a son as beefy as Cole,

but next to him she resembled a fairy—tiny.

Delicate. Almost gossamer. All she needed

was wings. When she saw us, her smile

was a bonfire against the blizzard outside.

It was a small surprise, midst bigger ones

soon to come. Cole's embrace lifted her

off her feet. When he spun her around,

she insisted,
Put me down, you. I want

to meet your girl.
She took my cold hand

in her warm one.
So happy to meet you,

Ashley. I'm Rochelle, and this is Dale.

The year before. Dale was dating

Rochelle then, but she still lived

in town. On her own. Turned out,

things had recently changed. A lot.

Rochelle directed us to Dale's big

Suburban.
Guess you should know

that Dale moved me out to his ranch.

Me, and everything I own. You'll love

the place. Even under all this snow.

The ten-minute drive took us

almost thirty, at blizzard-driving

speed. Finally, we pulled up in front

of a low ranch-style house. We fought

our way through the pelting ice to

the front door. Inside, it was warm

and inviting, and Rochelle had done

the place up right, with garland and

mistletoe and a huge Christmas tree.

Cole whistled, and she said,
I could

never give you this kind of Christmas

before. Glad I can give it to you now.

I only wish your sister could be here

to share it with us.
I wished then that

I could have met her, to have known

someone he cared so much for. We

would never share that connection.

Chalk up yet another small regret.

Was enormous. It must have been

awful living out there alone. No wonder

he was anxious to move Rochelle in.

Your bedroom here is exactly like it

was at home,
she told Cole.
Except,

there's a whole lot of extra space

around the furniture. It's a little bigger.

It was big, all right. Like the rest of

the house, it had aging wood floors

brightened—and warmed—with

Southwestern-style throw rugs in

turquoise and orange. Two big

windows looked south, toward

the frosted hills.
See?
said Rochelle,

proudly,
I even arranged it just like

it was before. Same lamp on your

desk. Same clothes in your drawers.

I want it to feel like home to you.

It's great, Mom,
he said, perhaps a bit

stiffly.
Will you give us a few minutes

to unpack, please?
She gave us a funny

look and when she left, I asked, “Is it

okay that we sleep in here together?

Not being married?” No guest room?

Don't worry about it. They're not

married, either, you know.

Practically right away. The smell

of roasting turkey woke us late morning

on Christmas day. Rochelle was up

early to bake pies and put the bird in

the oven. By the time we dressed and

went in search of coffee, the kitchen

looked like a page out of
Martha Stewart

Living
. My mom always made the holidays

nice. This was amazing. Later, Cole

assured me it was not Christmas-as-usual.

There was a reason beyond Rochelle's

wanting to make the holiday special.

I hate to spring this on you,
she told Cole,

as she handed him a mug of Christmas

blend “Joe.”
But we just made the decision

a couple of days ago. See, Dale and I

want to get married, and we want to do

the deed while you're here. Today, in fact,

if Reverend Scott can get his butt out here

through all this snow. You good with that?

Cole is not the type to wear emotion

on his face. He sat very still for several

seconds, turning it over in his mind.

Finally, he nodded.
I never liked you

living all on your own. Dale seems like

a decent guy, though you'd know more

about that than I would. If you want to

make it legal, I guess I'm good with it.

Dale had wanted Rochelle to break

the news without him present. Not sure

if he thought Cole would react badly or

what. Once he knew Cole had, in fact,

given his blessing, we all exchanged

gifts. Cole gave me a pretty filigreed