Coffee in Common (39 page)

Jillian put her glass on the table and hugged her.

"I'm so sorry, Liz. I'm so messed up over this ghost I can't think straight. I know I should have called you, and I really am sorry, but the truth is, I didn't think of it. All I can think about is…is him."

She sat back up, feeling miserable.

"I saw him again this morning. When Paul and I were on the train, I glanced out the window and there he was, standing on the platform near the steps.

"I can't get him out of my head, Lizzy. And I don't want him there. I can't stand him there. It's making me remember things, feelings, good ones
and
bad. Even when I'm with Paul he keeps pushing into my thoughts. And I know Paul can tell there's something wrong. But what can I say? I'm with you, sweetheart, but I'm thinking about this asshole who ran out on me years ago?"

Tears cascaded down her cheeks.

"I don't know what to do, Lizzy. He won't go away and it's ruining things."

She was sobbing now as all the emotions of the past few days came spilling out.

"Damn him. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!"

Liz took her hand and held it for a minute until the tears stopped.

"Okay, let's back up for a minute. Do you really think it was him you saw?"

"Yes. It has to be him. If it had only been once, I could believe it was someone who resembles him. But three times? And each time he's watching me?"

Liz nodded. "I think you're right. Let's assume it is him, that he's back." She saw a shiver run through Jillian. "Do you really hate him?"

Jillian nodded silently.

"But do you still love him, too?"

"No!" Jillian paused and looked away. "No…I don't know."

Liz refilled the glasses and handed one to Jillian. Again they touched glasses and downed the shots.

"Do you still love him?"

"I don't know." It was a whine more than a statement, prompting Liz to refill the glasses yet again.

"Do you still love him?" she asked for the third time when both glasses were back on the table.

This time, Jillian sat quietly for almost three minutes before she answered. "Lord help me, Lizzy, I think a small part of me still does. I think that may be why I've been so confused, why I can't get him out of my head." Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Liz nodding in agreement. "Most of me wants to scream at him and hurt him for what he did. But another part, a tiny part, wants to hold him again. How can that be? How can I feel
anything
for him?"

"You never had any closure with Aiden. Maybe that's why he's still haunting you. You know about that fine line between love and hate, Jilli. Maybe you're confusing the two. But whatever it is, you have to be careful. Paul is a really great guy. Even on your first date I could see how much he cares for you. Somehow, you have to find a way to let go of Aiden for good. His memory has been ruining things for you for too long. I think you have to tell Paul the whole story, sweetie."

"I know. I know I should tell him, but we haven't even been together two weeks. I don't want to dump my miserable past on him so soon. It's not fair."

"Maybe so, but if it
was
him, chances are Paul
will
find out. He should hear it from you, first."

Liz heard her friend sigh again.

I wish I had some magic words to banish that asshole and his memory forever so she can finally move on with life. If only the bastard had the guts to face her that day. But he didn't and she's been paying the price ever since.

"But what if I'm wrong? What if it wasn't him? Then I look like some paranoid fool. Or worse! Like I'm trying to manipulate Paul into feeling sorry for me. I can't do that, Lizzy. I can't take that chance. Especially not after I spied on him before we even went out."

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and held it for a few seconds. By the time she slowly released it, she'd made a decision.

"I have to handle this on my own, Liz. Well, not on my own. With your help. But I can't inflict it on Paul. I know he'd want to help, but he can't.

"I think you're right about my needing closure. If it
is
him, he'll eventually find the nerve to approach me. When he does, I have to deal with him as an equal. Whatever happens, it has to be me, alone, making the decisions, and me, alone, suffering the consequences if there are any."

"Are you sure about this, Jilli? Paul…"

"Paul is a wonderful guy. But he's not my husband and he's not my fiancée. He's my boyfriend. I'm not going back to how it was with Aiden, him being the leader, the strong one, and me just following along. Paul and I are equals, and if we're to stay that way, I can't expect him to shelter me from life. He can beat up a bad guy now and then 'cause he's stronger, but the rest of it is my responsibility. Does that make sense?"

The gleam of admiration and pride in Liz's eyes let her know it made perfect sense.

Jillian picked up the bottle and poured them both another shot. This time, truth having been told, they sat back and sipped.

THURSDAY, MAY 20

9:25 AM

Priya clicked
Save
and closed the graphic for the back cover. She glanced at Paul, watching for a few seconds as he poured over the final draft of the manuscript, searching for errors.

I wonder if he knows how much he's changed these past two weeks. Probably not. But I can see it.

She could see the undercurrent of joy that made his step a bit lighter, his smile a bit brighter, and made him act like a man in love.

I wonder if it's the same with Jillian? She certainly seems happy whenever I see her. Not that I see her all that much with
him
taking up all her time. But Monday was great. Talking, joking, sharing for hours. It's been so long since I've had a friend to do that with.

Paul stretched, caught her eye and smiled before continuing with his work. He was still in her heart, but not as strongly as before.

I wonder if it's a fear of messing things up with Jillian that's causing my feelings for Paul to fade so quickly.

Any doubts about how Jillian felt were dispelled when she arrived home last evening to find a card from her in the mail.

I don't know if we'll be friends forever
But I'm looking forward to finding out.

Then, not an hour later, she called to invite her to join the Thursday dinner group.

Priya examined her feelings as she eyed Tom and Rob. She was more than a little nervous about dinner tonight. Jillian had assured her all the girls knew the truth about what happened two weeks ago, but even still, Priya couldn't help feeling apprehensive. For too long she shied away from such gatherings, having too often experienced the looks, the subtle cattiness, and backhanded compliments other women seemed to feel she deserved by virtue of her appearance. But Jillian really wanted her to go and Priya, having tasted again the joy of having a real girlfriend, would have endured a roomful of scorn, if necessary, to make her new friend happy.

Yes, that has to be what's damping the romantic feelings for him. Jillian likes Paul…more than she admits, I think…and I want to make her happy. Which means I don't want to make her sad. And if anything romantic ever happened between me and Paul it would make Jillian very sad. So the only way to ensure that never happens is to not have any romantic feelings for him. Which is why the feelings are fading.

She was smiling at the insight when a new thought popped into her head.

What would have happened if I'd realized my feelings for him and let him know before he met Jillian? Who would he have chosen?

"I guess we'll never know," she muttered unconsciously.

"Never know what?"

Tom asked again a bit louder when Priya didn't respond.

Startled, Priya said, "I'm sorry. What did you say?"

"I asked you what it was you guess we'll never know, but you were somewhere else so I said it louder and you still didn't hear me. I think I speak for all of us when I ask again what we'll never know."

Oh great. What do I say now? I'll have to lie to my friends again. Or will I?

"I was thinking about, well, someone, about how I'll never know how things would have worked out if…"

Priya's phone rang.

Talk about good timing.

She reached for the receiver. "Hold that thought."

"Priya Kumar."

Tom rose, muttered he'd be back in ten minutes, and started for the door.

"Priya! Hi! It's Brian! I'm so glad I found you!"

"Oh. Hello, Brian." Her voice was flat, devoid of emotion. "I'm pretty busy right now."

At the mention of Brian's name, Tom turned on his heal and headed back to his desk. He perched on the corner and joined the other two who weren't even pretending not to listen.

"I know I shouldn't have called you at work, but I was worried something might have happened when I didn't hear back from you. I thought we had a pretty good time Friday, and there was something I needed to tell you, and…"

"Brian, stop. I know what's going on, okay. I know about your little game and I really don't have the time or the inclination."

"What are you talking about?"

"About nailing the…" She'd almost said ‘virgin' but caught herself. Tom and Rob did not need to know that about her. "Look, someone heard two of your friends talking about you and me. I know the whole thing and I don't appreciate being played like that, okay? You took your shot, it didn't work out, so move on. And please don't call me again."

"But Pr…"

Priya hung up the phone, reached to the side of the base, pulled out the cord, and turned back to her work. "I'm out of the office for a while."

9:40 AM

"What the
hell
just happened?"

"What's up? Did the network crash?"

Ralph Witherspoon was one of those uber-focused, incredibly smart guys who considered the label
geek
a compliment. So it was no surprise he'd been so completely absorbed in his work he hadn't heard Brian on the phone. He turned his head away from his monitor to find Brian pacing in front of his work station rather than sitting at it. Most people would have realized the problem wasn't one that could be solved at the keyboard, but Ralph wasn't most people.

"I asked if the network crashed?"

Brian came to a halt and snapped, "Ralph, what the fuck. If the network crashed, would I be standing here or would I be online trying to fix it?"

Most bosses might have been annoyed at the insolence, but Ralph wasn't most bosses. "Oh. Yes. I see." He started to turn back to work but caught himself. "Uh, then what
is
wrong?"

Brian was so startled that Ralph actually showed unprompted interest, he told him.

"Remember last Friday, I told you I was going out with this really great girl? Her name is Priya." He knew better than to expect a response. "Well, we did go out and had a great time. A really great time. And when I dropped her off, we made plans to talk on Monday. But when Monday rolled around, she never returned my calls. Same thing Tuesday and yesterday. So today I call her at work and she blows me off with some story about me playing some game, something about nailing her. Why the hell would she say that?"

Again, Brian wasn't expecting a response and so was unprepared when Ralph asked, "Were you?"

"What?"

"Were you playing some game to nail her?"

"No, of course not."

Ralph arched his eyebrows high over the frame of his thick glasses.

"I swear. I really like her. She's the girl Mike Conyers dated a few months ago. Remember when he came around every day bragging about how he was going to fuck this Indian girl?" Ralph's blank stare was followed by a slight shake of the head. "Well he did. I saw her in a bar last week and I wanted to find out if she was as crazy as Mike said. But she turned out to be great, really great. So I asked her out. And I should have told her about knowing who she was right up front, but I didn't. I wanted to tell her the next day, but her family was in town and by Monday, somehow she got the idea I was messing with her head. Oh man, this really sucks."

"Maybe Mike was right and she is crazy."

"No. It's not that. She said she heard people talking about me and her. But who? You're the only one I… Ralph! Did you tell Mike I was going out with her?"

"I don't know. Maybe." He sat and thought for several seconds. Brian knew he was playing the days back in his memory. "Friday afternoon I was in accounting and one of the guys there asked how you were doing. I don't know his name. I told him you were fine. He asked me if I was getting any pussy. I think he was making a joke because when I told him I wasn't he laughed and said computer guys never get any pussy. Then I told him you were going out with a beautiful Indian girl that night. He asked me her name, but I wasn't sure. He asked if it was Priya and I recognized the name and said yes.

"Perhaps this guy in accounting knows Mike. Maybe they were the ones talking about you."

Another boss might have been annoyed when Brian spun around and raced out of the room without a word, but Ralph was not another boss. Before the door finished closing, he'd turned back to his computer, the conversation with Brian already forgotten.

7:50 PM

Priya stood nervously outside the entrance to
Ginza
on Hudson Street, hoping she made the right decision.

She had splurged on a taxi after work so she would have plenty of time to pick just the right outfit. The plan was to look good, but not too good. No tight sweaters, low-cut blouses, or short skirts. She wanted to make friends tonight, not scare people off.

By the time she stood in front of her mirror, satisfied, she had tried on half her wardrobe. The rest lay in piles on her bed and floor. The outfit she settled on – a cream-colored silk, square-neck shirt under a long, salt and pepper colored cardigan sweater, flare-leg black pants, and her black Steve Madden ankle high, low heel boots – was perfect. She looked good; feminine, but not sexy.