Coffee and Cockpits (38 page)

T
he controls taunted me with skipping memories. Try as I might, I couldn’t hold onto any of the fleeting thoughts or knowledge from my past. I still couldn’t understand why the wayward shrapnel destroyed my training as a pilot. Why not erase  my memories on how to tie a shoelace or ride a bike? Other little things were missing too, like forgetting recipes I knew by heart, or not remembering any phone numbers for family that I dialled almost every day before the crash. And the majority of my education was gone. Right down to dreaded calculus I took as extra credit when I was sixteen.

“You ready, Mikin?”

My eyes flew to Jeff, my flight instructor, mentor, and soon-to-be business partner. His island skin and dark hair complimented his black eyes. The nerves I’d battled with for three months galloped back. What if I crapped out and crashed again? God, did I really want to do this? I was kidding myself to think I was ready. I wasn’t.

Swallowing hard, I nodded. “Yep.”

Jeff motioned that I had control and I inched onto the runway, lining up for take-off. Every judder of the tires sent coils of apprehension through me. It was second nature—how to direct the plane and what button to push—completely ingrained into my muscle memory. I did things unconsciously. Things that showed me I
knew
how to fly, even if my brain pretended otherwise.

Traffic control came clear and loud through my headset with a French twang. “Air Tahiti Nui, india golf sixty-three you have permission. Open skies in front.”

“Roger that.” My voice was tight, concentration screaming with intensity. This was it. My first solo takeoff since I crashed with John Anderson. The thought of Samoa buried me with emotions. Every day was an inhuman struggle not to lift the phone and call Nina, to reach out and talk to her. God, I needed someone to talk to. But at the same time, I made a pact to do this on my own. To save myself and not be a burden to anyone.

Jeff cocked his head. “Ready when you are.”

Taking a deep breath, I pushed the throttle forward. The Boeing 737-300 lurched into motion, gobbling up tarmac until the Papette Aeroporto was a blur of arched roofs and French-Polynesian architecture.

My stomach stayed behind as I eased on the controls and pulled the heavy beast into the air.

Two hundred metres above ground.

One thousand metres.

Three thousand.

I pressed the button to retract the landing gear, and suffered a flashback of the airplane dissection Nikolai had overseen. Then again, what I remembered wasn’t true. I hadn’t had the guts to go and see what the real damage was. The moment Nik agreed to get me off the island, I’d cleared myself with Doctor Ali’tasi, grabbed some clothes from the hospital gift shop, and requested he drop me off at the airport.

He hadn’t done it willingly. His hazel eyes reprimanding me for leaving—for not having the guts to stay.

When I’d given him the note to pass to Nina, my heart wrenched. What if she fell in love with him in my absence? I hated my insecurities, but it just confirmed why I needed to leave. I couldn’t ask Nina to support me—not when I didn’t know whether I could relearn. Doctor Alea had mentioned the pathways to learn something as complicated as flying might have been damaged too, and if that had happened, I wouldn’t want to be around myself, let alone Nina. She’d be better off without me.

It helped already having connections in Tahiti, being in touch with a few officials while arranging my future business permits meant I was able to pull a few strings. Now I sat beside the guy who’d offered me three aircraft in turn for a commission cut, let me crash on his couch, and was a qualified pilot willing to help me relearn how to do the thing I loved most. Well, second most.

I sighed heavily. Nina.

God, I was an ass to leave her. Would she hate me? Would she understand? Would she wait for me or had she moved on?

My fingers flew over the control panel, taking a reading of air speed, fuel levels, and cabin pressure. Everything was how it should be.

Jeff leaned back in the co-pilot’s seat, grinning. “I knew when you stopped over thinking it, you’d be fine. You did most of that on muscle memory. A newbie wouldn’t have had the presence of mind to do an inflight check and bring up the landing gear without me telling him.”

Some of the heaviness that lived on my shoulders lightened. It had taken three months to trust myself. Three long months to allow Jeff to talk me into taking the controls. Maybe I hadn’t forgotten everything… there was still a chance it would come back. Eventually. But I wasn’t going to wait around for it. I resat some of the exams, barely passing after a lot of late nights. All I’d done since arriving in Tahiti was study. In between my doctor visits to check the progress of my healing, of course. 

I threw him a grin, letting the calm, hushed world of the cockpit soothe me. “Thanks for helping me out, Jeff.”

We were the only two souls on board. Air Tahiti Nui kindly let us use their off duty training aircraft. Mainly because I promised to shuttle a lot of their passengers to outlying islands for a mortifyingly low price when I started my business.

“No worries. I know I made a good investment in you. I expect you to be up and running soon.”

Engaging autopilot, I looked below to the sparkling crystal sea. The water was so clear the sandy bottom and occasional sprinkling of coral reefs were visible. Resorts hugged the coast like bright flowers on a vine. Their assortment of pools and manicured gardens morphed into idyllic beaches.

I sighed again. Nina would love it here. Shit, I loved it here. If it wasn’t for the headaches and setback on flying, I’d be in my element. I missed her. So much. Every night as I lay alone in Jeff’s lounge on my makeshift bed, my entire body ached for her. I couldn’t stay away much longer. I didn’t know how I’d stayed away this long.

“Right. Let’s start the test shall we?” Jeff pulled out a laminated ring binder chock-full of things a pilot must know.

Nerves catapulted again, but I wiped the anxious sweat off my palms and nodded. “The sooner I have my wings back, the sooner my life can start again.”

S
ix months had passed.

Six lonely, hard, miserable months.

My heart, still bruised from never hearing a word from Liam, thrummed in anticipation. Today was the day my life began again. It was a day for closure and a day for renewal. I couldn’t pine after Liam any longer. I’d promised myself when I took Liam’s money that I’d wait for him until I finished. And I had. But no longer.

My hands shook as panic took hold. I didn’t know where I was going after today. I had a few flying interviews in Glasgow and Dubai. It seemed female pilots were in demand over there. My bags were packed, my terrapins rehomed, and my apartment lease had ended. After today, I wouldn’t be going back. After today, Liam wouldn’t be able to find me as I didn’t know where I’d end up. 

Joslyn squeezed my hand. “So proud of you, girl.”

I smiled, forcing my melancholy away. I would not mope. I was happy. “Thanks. I couldn’t have done it without your support.”

She rolled her eyes. “Please. All I did was supply you with cocktails on Friday nights and make sure you remembered to live while absorbing text book after text book.”

I laughed. “That was a very important part. I wouldn’t have found my way out of code and terminology if it wasn’t for you.” Plus, I would’ve missed her. After quitting Kiwi Air, I wouldn’t have seen her if we didn’t make the effort when she was in town between overnights.

She nudged my shoulder, dropping her voice as Theo came toward us. We were in the back row in the hanger. The entire aeroclub had been decorated in gold and red banners with all manner of wings painted and stitched. In front of us sat thirteen new, about to be decorated, pilots. We’d completed enough hours and sat all the requirements to join the ranks of commercial.

“Do you think he’ll forgive me for snogging him again the other night? I didn’t mean to… it’s just, I had a bit too much to drink, and I mean… come on. He’s delicious. I still think about the hickey he gave me.”

I smiled. I could understand what Joslyn found attractive. I mean, what wasn’t there to like? Theo was smart, funny, tenacious, and kind. I hoped they’d stop playing games with each and do it already, but I didn’t think they’d last. Joslyn needed someone less… like her. And Theo was a little too similar.

A small worry griped. Where was Nikolai? I hadn’t heard a thing about him since Samoa. I’d wondered if Joslyn was being secretive and had seen him recently, but I supposed if she was after Theo, my concerns were unwarranted.

“You ready, Nina. You’re up next.” Theo squatted by my chair. “Aren’t you pleased you didn’t let fear win?”

I groaned. After every lesson he’d asked me that, rubbing my face in my weakness, strengthening me in some strange way so I’d never relapse into letting my dreams go again. “I was too afraid of you to give up.”

He laughed and the masculine rasp sent my heart thundering. Six long months since I’d heard Liam laugh. And I knew in my heart, I wouldn’t hear it again. It was over.

“I wish he could’ve been here to see me graduate,” I whispered under my breath, hoping neither Joslyn nor Theo heard me. It slipped out. I didn’t mean to say it.

Jos threw her arm around me. “I’m gonna punch him when he tells me where he is. He should be here.”

Theo pulled a face. “I’m sure if he could’ve been here, he would. Don’t be too hard on him.”

Guilt settled and I stared at the front of the hanger. The CEO of the aeroclub pinned silver wings onto a man’s lapel, and then shook his hand.

Nerves attacked me sending a gentle nudge down my spine—all that was left of my whiplash. I was next.

Theo stood, holding out his arm. “I’ll escort you. You’re my star pupil. I’d be honoured.”

“Nina Marie Poppins.” The CEO on the makeshift stage scanned the crowd, eyes found mine.

My father, sitting next to Jos, grinned as bright as the stars. “So proud of you, little girl.”

It was fitting he was here to share my success. Smiling at both of them, I stood, and linked my arm through Theo’s. Nerves fluttered in my stomach as we made our way up the aisle.

Theo let me go once we’d climbed the three steps. My heart sped up, and an influx of happiness and sadness filled me. I’d achieved my goal, thanks to Liam. I’d done what I set out to do, so why was my accomplishment empty and unfulfilling? Damn Liam for making me need him. I couldn’t celebrate fully because the one man I wanted to share it with wasn’t here.

 “Congratulations, Miss Poppins. You’re now a full-fledged commercial pilot.” The man who looked similar to Captain Anderson smiled, and pinned the heavy set of wings to my black lapel. After shaking my hand, we posed for photos as he handed me a framed certificate.

My heart wanted to fly, but it was weighted down by the knowledge I wouldn’t have been able to do this without Liam and I had no way of thanking him.

I made my way back to my seat and the rest of the afternoon was a blur of drinks, and celebration. Theo did his best to include me, but I held myself slightly aloof. I didn’t mean to, but my thoughts were already free from New Zealand. I had the qualification I needed; there was nothing else for me here. My father understood—he knew I was leaving, and I’d see Joslyn around.

Joslyn’s laugh trilled, and she thumped Theo on the chest. He rubbed the spot with a rueful grin. I guessed they wouldn’t miss me for the rest of the night.

Taking one last look around the partying crowd, committing it to memory, I slunk away. Crossing the car park, I huddled into my coat. My little car was the only thing I had yet to sell. I’d probably gift it to my brother. He recently arrived in town after some jungle expedition.

Something white flapped under the wiper on the windscreen. It was probably another advert for a sausage sizzle or some fundraiser the aeroclub put on regularly. I ripped it free of the wiper, before throwing myself inside, away from the chilly breeze. What I wouldn’t give to be sweating in Samoa’s heat. New Zealand’s weather was determined to freeze my nipples off.

With my teeth chattering, I reached to turn on my car’s heater before ripping open the blank envelope. No name. No salutation.

My heart stopped.

Nina.

Congratulations on earning your wings. I’m so proud of you.

I know I’m probably the last person you want to hear from. I’m sorry for leaving as I did, but I freaked out. I needed time to fix myself.  I didn’t want to shackle you with a guy who could no longer earn, but was a drain in recuperation and restudy.

I know it might be too late, but I need to see you.

Enclosed is a one-way ticket to Papeete.

If you come, I’ll know you still care for me.

If you don’t, I know I left it too long, and you’ve moved on.

I understand either way.

I love you. I miss you.

Liam