Codependent No More Workbook (13 page)

This arrangement calls for a celebration. You may want to honor this agreement and working the first three Steps by having a quiet night alone with your Higher Power, by doing something special you want to do, or by spending an evening in quiet contemplation of what you’ve done. Or you may want to go out and have some fun.

Take a little longer break than usual. You have a job ahead in the next lesson, as you tackle your Fourth and Fifth Steps. Don’t move forward until you feel rested, clear, and ready to do some intense work.

“Most of us have been so busy responding
to other people’s problems that we haven’t had time to
identify, much less take care of, our own problems.”

—Codependent No More

Suggested reading: chapter 4, “Codependent Characteristics”

STEP FOUR: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

STEP FIVE: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

   —from the TWELVE STEPS OF CO-DEPENDENTS ANONYMOUS

T
he bondage of codependency made me so crazy that all those around me suffered greatly.”

“My behavior made my husband’s condition worse, but I felt like he deserved it.”

“I still wanted to control things while my spouse was in treatment, because, after all, I had always taken care of everything.”

“I caught myself answering for my spouse in Family Program. I started to realize that I was a big part of the problem.”

“My tunnel vision into my husband’s behaviors really damaged my family with neglect and irrational behavior on my part.”

“I realized that although I was saying I wanted my spouse to get better, I was really afraid of getting better and looking at my own stuff. I kept adding pressure as a way of sabotaging.”

“I wanted to be a victim. I continued to act like I did not have choices and that it was always everyone else’s fault in the family for how I felt and reacted.”

The above quotes came from spouses of alcoholics when their husbands were in treatment, and when they got honest about who they really were and how they really felt. We can look so good on the outside. If we compare ourselves to the addict or alcoholic, we can look great next to him or her. But if we take a closer look, the codependents play a part too. Often when they take their inventory, that part is bigger than they thought. Can you be as searching, fearless, and honest as the women above?

You’re about to find out.

Some Steps in Twelve Step programs are meant to be worked consecutively, like the trio of the first three. These next two are almost like one Step, and are meant to immediately follow each other (they also belong to a group of six, three groups of two that include Steps Four through Nine). Some people suggest setting an appointment to work Step Five with a trusted person—a sponsor, clergyperson or rabbi, or a counselor—before you begin work on Step Four. The person you choose to hear your Fifth Step needs to be someone who’s completely trustworthy. Start work on the next two Steps by searching for who that person is.

You want more than someone who takes confessions. The ideal? Find someone trained in listening to Fifth Steps. Although you’re doing the work, the abilities of the person you select make a difference in the level of success you achieve working your Fourth and Fifth Steps.

How well you work Steps Four and Five greatly impacts your recovery’s foundation. Please choose your Fifth Step person carefully. Set the appointment to tell “another person, God, and yourself the exact nature of your wrongs” for four to six weeks from the date you actually begin writing your Fourth Step. You don’t want to set the appointment so close to beginning your Fourth Step that you’re rushed and do an incomplete job. You also don’t want so much time to pass between working Steps Four and Five that you’re walking around with emotional junk saturating your body and mind. After you finish your Fourth Step, you’ll want to immediately clear the air.

Step Four reads, “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” The action in this step is
making.
We make the inventory by using paper and a pen or pencil, a typewriter, or a computer. We create it, make it. The Step doesn’t say, “Think about an inventory in your head.”

The words
searching and fearless moral inventory
sound severe and open-ended. What are you fearlessly searching for? Exactly how do you search, and
when is that search complete? You’ll know. It’ll break your heart open like someone pounding a coconut with a hammer. It’ll work, and you’ll feel done.

The purpose of this Step is to see what we have, for better and for worse. We want to look at our habits, emotions, behaviors, and the beliefs that create our behaviors. We look for specific things we’ve done that we’re ashamed of and for our good points and good deeds. You can also begin family-of-origin work. I’ve included a sample format so you can get an idea of how to do this.

You can make an inventory many different ways. This lesson will describe a few of them. Read through the lesson, and then choose one from what’s offered by your group, your Fifth Step person, this book, or any other books you’ve read.

Here’s the key to the Fourth and Fifth Steps. There are one or two needles in the codependency haystack that you’re fearlessly searching for. They’re those secrets that you feel guiltiest about, the things you would prefer to take to your grave.

Although some things are private,
We’re only as sick as our secrets
is another program slogan that’s accurate, for the most part. Look for anything that causes you to feel bad about yourself, any habitual behaviors you do that create negative consequences. We want a clear picture of ourselves.

Inventorying ourselves is complex. It’s not like inventorying items at a grocery store. Review the following examples carefully.

One way to inventory yourself is to go through the following list of emotions, beliefs, and behaviors associated with codependency. Mark which ones you feel, believe, or do and write about the ways these tendencies manifest in your life now. Include the first time you remember feeling that way, or believing that belief, or when the behavior first began. Rate each item listed on a scale from one to ten, with one being the least and ten being the most, for how much of a problem that feeling, belief, or behavior causes now, and indicate with a check mark the ones that are most problematic now.

Then end the inventory by making a list of positive emotions, beliefs, behaviors, assets, or skills that you possess.

For both negative and positive parts of your inventory, write notes about specific incidents that demonstrate or show how you act out these emotions, beliefs, behaviors, and assets. End the inventory by listing some traits that you’d like to acquire.

To make it less confusing, following is what your inventory pages should look like. After these sample headings, you’ll find a list of possible codependent traits to choose from, including feelings, beliefs, and behaviors. You may have others besides what’s on that list. To begin this inventory format, divide a piece of paper the long way into six columns by drawing lines. Then use the following as headings, filling in the area below each heading. Or use these columns as a guide to write about each line item in “story” form.