Coconuts and Wonderbras (31 page)

He gestures to the waiter.

    ‘Have you looked into it yet?’ he snaps.

    ‘We are looking into it now sir,’ he answers in clear English.

    ‘They’ve only bloody stolen my shirt. I tell you, these people. Bloody thieves the lot of them.’

I lower my eyes. At that moment my parents walk in followed by Jamie. Mother wafts over to me in a mist of ‘Joy’ perfume.

    ‘Libby, darling, I just knocked on your door.’

She kisses me on the cheek and whispers in my ear.

    ‘There’s been uproar over Toby’s shirt and Jonathan has called a meeting.’

She’s got to be joking.

    ‘We’re having a meeting because Toby’s shirt has gone missing, for God’s sake,’ says Issy.

    ‘I’ll have you know that was a Ralph Lauren shirt and one of my best,’ snaps Toby.

Jonathan walks in and I swear Issy goes as soft as the runny egg that has just been placed in front of her. She looks at Jonathan hungrily.

    ‘You’re mad if you eat that,’ remarks Toby.

    ‘It looks very appetising to me,’ she says, unable to take her eyes off Jonathan.

    ‘Hello,’ he says as he takes the seat opposite her.

Once Penelope arrives Jonathan begins the meeting. To my relief the meeting has nothing whatsoever to do with Toby’s shirt. He informs us that Alex is fine and that the television interview will take place later today. He has arranged for us to watch the interview in the television lounge at the studio. Toby is not at all happy about this.

    ‘I hope you’re going to arrest the bugger after all this is over. I would like it known here and now that I am not happy in how he has behaved towards my fiancée,’ Toby bellows.

    ‘Toby,’ I shriek.

    ‘Fiancée?’ echoes mother in a high-pitched voice.

    ‘Saints alive,’ says my stunned father.

    ‘And when did this engagement take place?’ Issy asks.

    ‘She’s simply doing her job,’ chips in Jamie.

    ‘Part of her job is becoming engaged to Toby? Well, I must say, I don’t approve of that,’ says mother sternly.

    ‘I, of course, meant that spending time with Alex was part of her job. Who she gets engaged to is entirely her own business,’ sighs Jamie.

    ‘I am here you know,’ I say in a ‘sing-song’ voice, but everyone ignores me.

    ‘We’re getting engaged as soon as we return home if you must know,’ Toby addresses everyone.

We are? Shouldn’t I be delighted? Wasn’t this what I wanted? So, why am I
wishing my name was not Libby?

    ‘I love Libby. I know I’ve made some mistakes but I know she wants to start again.’

I shrink into my chair.

    ‘Libby is this right?’ asks mother.

    ‘Well, I…’

    ‘Of course it’s right, why are you asking her when I just told you?’ snaps Toby.

Not the way to get on my mother’s good side.

    ‘Toby, I think we should…’ I begin but Penelope interrupts.

    ‘Do you know Toby has had a Ralph Lauren shirt taken from his room?’ she announces.

And one wonders why she should be so worried about that.

    ‘I don’t think there is anyone who doesn’t know that,’ Jamie replies sarcastically.

    ‘It wasn’t taken from his room,’ I say defensively and get a kick in the shin from mother.

    ‘Surely, it wasn’t was it? Was it taken from your room Toby?’ I add, feigning innocence.

    ‘Actually, it was stolen from my laundry,’ corrects Toby. ‘You can’t trust the buggers in this place.’

Penelope gives me an odd look.

    ‘It’s bad enough they bloody poison you with their stinking food without stealing from you too,’ Toby sulks.

    ‘I think we should make something of a fuss,’ says Penelope assuming control.

    ‘Thanks Pen,’ says Toby laying his
hand on her arm.

    ‘I’ll look into it,’ Jonathan offers. ‘Meanwhile if you could all make arrangements to check out of the hotel tomorrow. We will fly home tomorrow afternoon, unless you have any objections. I really want to get Alex out of the country ASAP. Obviously if any of you want to stay, then that is entirely up to you.’

    ‘It won’t be a day too soon for me,’ remarks Toby.

    ‘We may stay on, isn’t that right Edmund. We’ve just bought a three-day pass to see the temples you see,’ says my mother.

    ‘More fool you,’ says Toby dryly.

    ‘I’ll be glad to get out of here too. I’ve barely eaten,’ complains Penelope.

    ‘You look good on it,’ comments Toby looking at her admiringly.

Isn’t he engaged to me? She smiles at him sweetly and turns to Jamie.

    ‘I wonder Jamie, do you think I should go on the television tonight, you know to put over our perspective. A kind of
what it’s been like for the families
?’

She draws the heading in the air and smiles innocently. I raise my eyebrows to Jamie. Mother sniggers and whispers, ‘I’m glad she’s not part of
our
family, I’d have to put her up for adoption.’

Jamie looks uncomfortable.

    ‘Well…’

    ‘It’s been very difficult for some of us not knowing…’ she stops to do a little hiccup and dabs at her eyes.

    ‘Quite,’ agrees Toby.

    ‘It’s not been easy. The food for a start, and I’ve really struggled in the heat and the malaria tablets have made me feel very unwell and it is very difficult to find the right clothes when you have to keep your shoulders covered. It’s not an easy country to be in, but it is because our loved ones are in difficulty…’

    ‘Quite,’ repeats Toby.

God, I wish I had a violin, or even better, a sick bag.

    ‘Why are you taking malaria tablets?’ Issy asks popping the final piece of egg into her mouth to the disgust of Toby.

    ‘Yes, I was wondering that,’ agrees Jamie.

She looks appalled.

    ‘Because we’re in Cambodia of course.’

    ‘Of course,’ I say sarcastically. ‘Except in this part of Cambodia, there is no malaria.’

    ‘Don’t be ridiculous, of course there is malaria,’ asserts Toby.

Christ, whose side is he on?

    ‘And I haven’t really felt well since I’ve been here,’ continues Penelope as though we’d never spoken. ‘And of course, there are no proper doctors here. I do hope Jamie, that when we finally do get home, you assign Alex a different agent.’

Where did that come from? Is it my fault she hasn’t felt well since being here? Jamie looks harassed, poor dear. Hopefully Philippe will be able to ease some of that tension a bit later.

    ‘That will be for Alex to decide,’ he replies wearily while answering his mobile.

    ‘I assure you when I speak for Alex that is exactly what I do. I know what he needs. What he does not need is that Libby girl. If she hadn’t have cried wolf at the beginning of this fiasco we wouldn’t be having any of this. Poor Alex feels obligated to look after her and, let’s face it, that’s a full-time job.’

What a prize bitch.

    ‘I’m going to sort out my bloody shirt,’ Toby says and stomps off. Penelope stands up.

    ‘I should go and pack,’ she says innocently. ‘I also have loads of emails to write. Wedding preparations and such like,’ she adds, throwing a glance at me.

So, Toby was right. They are getting married. Alex Bryant is nothing but a lying toad. He used me. How could I have been such a fool?

    ‘That was the studio, they want you there too, Libby. Alex said it was you who wrote the article,’ says Jamie, clicking off his phone.

Oh dear.

    ‘Toby won’t like this,’ Issy grins.

    ‘You can travel with Alex, it will be safer,’ mumbles Jonathan as he taps into his phone.

Issy is quite right. Toby won’t like this at all.

Issy

    ‘No one leaves,’ he growls.

Bollocks. What the hell is going on?

    ‘Now hold on a minute,’ I shout above the noise.

Jonathan puts a protective arm around my shoulders and with the other gently removes the policeman’s hand from Fenella’s arm.

    ‘We’re here for the broadcast. We are all here with Alex Bryant.’

I stare open-mouthed. I thought the broadcast was top secret, that no one knew about the Buddha only us. What is he doing? I pull myself from his comforting arm and turn to face him angrily.

    ‘What are you doing? I thought Alex said we were not to tell anyone he was going to broadcast.’

    ‘Alex announced it to a British national newspaper himself, about ten minutes ago. He knows what he’s doing.’

I look hungrily at the comforting arm I had just shrugged off. He smiles indulgently at me and wraps it back around me. Suddenly there is uproar and we all look in horror as the Buddha seems to wobble. People are pushing towards it. They are attempting to touch it or kiss it. The elephant seems to stumble. There is so much noise that I cannot hear myself think. I spy Libs through a gap in the curtain of the Buddha and go to wave but I am ushered inside.

    ‘Quick, come in,’ shouts a voice from the door of the studio.

Jonathan guides me through the doorway where I collide with Toby in his rush to get inside. Jonathan roughly pushes him to one side and gestures for Fenella, me and Penelope to hurry through. We are followed by Jamie and Edmund. Toby finally follows us. The doors are locked and bolted as soon as we are all inside.

    ‘Thank God for that,’ says Toby breathing heavily.

    ‘They’ll come back,’ advises Jonathan. ‘What was all that about anyway?’

Toby shrugs.

    ‘No idea.’

Penelope is demanding a jug of water.

    ‘Not from the tap either. Bring me bottled water and no ice.’

We are directed to a stiflingly hot and stuffy lounge. Penelope demands air conditioning and fans herself with a small silk fan.

    ‘I feel quite faint,’ she tells Toby.

In front of us are glass panels which look straight into the studio. There are three chairs and three microphones. A short Cambodian man is seated in one chair and is testing the equipment.

    ‘It’s so terribly exciting isn’t it?’ squeals Fenella fanning herself with Edmund’s handkerchief.

    ‘I sense trouble afoot,’ Edmund says dryly to Jonathan, while cocking his head towards the door.

    ‘I fear you may be right,’ agrees Jonathan.

Toby has removed his hat and looks more relaxed. Penelope leans across to say something to him and he laughs loudly, throwing his head back. My phone bleeps. It’s a text from Libs.

    ‘
Marjorie Proops, I need you.
’

I dash from the overpoweringly hot room and ask where the loo is. The dingy little room I am shown to is so dark I can barely see the small hole in the ground. I lock the door and phone Libs.

    ‘Oh Issy, I don’t know what to do,’ she cries.

    ‘What is it what’s wrong?’

She hiccups loudly and I move the phone from my ear.

    ‘I’m in love with Alex. He hasn’t said one word to me. How can I tell if he wants me? Toby has asked me to marry him and I just don’t know what to do. No one has ever asked me to marry them before. What shall I do? I’m not sure I love Toby any more. Oh God it is a mess.’

I go to sit on the toilet seat forgetting there isn’t one and fall straight to the floor with a thump.

    ‘Bollocks.’

Why does everyone ask me what they should do? How the hell do I know? Anyone would think I was Marjorie Proops. I’m probably the worst agony aunt on earth.

    ‘When did he…’ I begin and then realise she has been cut off.

Chapter Twenty-Six

    The big Buddha we are travelling in has an odd smell that I can’t quite define. It is musty with an oriental fragrance. It reminds me of the herb garden back at the monastery. I find myself craving to be back there. It was so lovely then and Alex was attentive. Why did I have to spoil everything? I clutch my bag tightly to me and take a deep breath to try and calm my racing heart. I think I know how Princess Diana felt when she was bombarded by a mass of fans and photographers. If I only I looked just a little like Princess Diana, then I wouldn’t mind climbing out of the Buddha. Knowing that I look like Worzel Gummidge, however, makes the prospect of alighting a rather daunting one. Alex has not spoken the whole journey and the silence has been unbearable. I so wish he would say something. I lift my eyes to look at him and see he is tense and pensive. I find the noise and the banging on the outside of the Buddha rather alarming. We are supposed to be being transported in secret. Colonel Pong has roadblocks all around Siem Reap but not even Pong would stop a Buddha on a cart. It is the ‘wanted man’s vehicle of choice’ Jonathan had said. Several times it has rocked and tipped sideways as the cart negotiated the uneven roads. I look anxiously at Alex but he is lost in thought. I blow a stream of air into my fringe to help cool my flushed face. It must be thirty-five degrees in the Buddha. I feel like I am in a sauna and my thin cotton dress is not keeping me cool. My hair sticks to my neck and perspiration runs between my breasts. This is just marvellous isn’t it? Especially, as everyone is waiting at the studio for us. How typical, that when I have at last lost some weight and finally have a chance to be something of a celebrity, I have to step out of my chariot looking like I’ve stepped out of a sauna. I peek through the back curtain to see the mass of hysteria just feet away. It is one massive blur of people, tuk-tuks hooting like crazy and families huddled close on motorbikes. Good God, is that a pig, surely not? I pull the curtains and look at Alex who is on his phone. I retrieve mine from my handbag and text Issy. I try to get her advice on how to talk to Alex but my phone cuts out as soon as we start talking. I feel slightly sick, partly from the heat and also with fear. The Buddha seems to be wobbling so much that I am having difficulty keeping my bum on the small bench.

    ‘I will talk to you later, Pen,’ Alex is saying loudly. ‘We have a lot to discuss but I’m not prepared to do it now.’

What is he planning to talk to her about? Will he talk to her about me? Is he going to tell her that it is over between them? It won’t be because of me. I’m quite sure of that. He has barely looked at me and the only words that have passed his lips were ‘Hello’ when I arrived at the house. He has said nothing to me since. I feel so wretched. Penelope will no doubt look fabulous and greet us in the manner of Grace Kelly. Any hopes I had of alighting from this thing in the manner of Victoria Beckham have been well and truly dashed. What if there are photographers? Good Lord, I need to do something. If only I could pour myself a glass of Chardonnay, or even polish off a bottle. I never actually had dreams of appearing in Hello magazine but if I am going to I would much prefer to look sloshed than like a drowned rat. It is considered altogether rather cool to be photographed while sloshed when being a celebrity isn’t it? I swallow the next best thing, half the contents of a bottle of water. The Buddha rocks and I’m thrown off the bench. I give a little strangled cry and land at Alex’s feet. Was this what Madam Zigana had predicted? The front of my dress is now soaked from the water. It could only happen to me. His strong arms pull me up and plonk me beside him.