Coal Black Blues (13 page)

She could have slept longer but instead, she made the chicken and dumplings she had promised Neil, then poured them into the Crockpot where they would keep warm until supper time. Caroline stirred up biscuits and took comfort in rolling out the dough with her Granny’s worn rolling pin. She cut them out with the same tin cutter her grandmother had used. Instead of baking them, she put them on a cookie sheet in the fridge where she could pop them into the oven when she got home.

Tuesday set the pattern for the remainder of the week. Caroline rose early with Neil, made breakfast, spent a few minutes with him, and kissed him good-bye when Will arrived. Most evenings, she came home from the store to find Neil clean after a bath and so tired he could barely speak. He ate the comfort foods she prepared with appetite, then usually fell asleep. Caroline fretted over his health and the store. Although Carrie’s Corner did a huge amount of business, she remained in the red. If the current intake continued, soon she would break even and see a profit eventually, but for now, the store struggled to pay for the improvements she’d made and cover payroll each week.

Caroline lived weary, but she saw the bone-deep fatigue Neil carried. She hadn’t said anymore to him about leaving the mine, doing her best to give him space to decide and time to fully heal. On Friday night, when she arrived home a little earlier than usual, she found Will McCullough waiting for her. He sat on the porch despite the cold. Older than Neil, she hadn’t known him very well years ago and Caroline still didn’t. She hoped his presence didn’t mean something had happened to Neil at the mine.

“Hi,” she said as she walked up to the porch. “Where’s Neil?”

Will stood up, as tall and almost as lean as his cousin. “Inside, cleaning up as far as I know.

“Did something happen?”

He shot her a look, his black eyes darker than Neil’s gray, hard as obsidian. “Not yet but I wanted to talk to you. He ain’t over being sick yet.”

“I know he’s not. I tried to talk him out of going back to the mine at all.”

“He told me. And he told me why he cain’t or won’t. Neil said too how the doctors said his lungs were messed up, that he’s not got much future if he doesn’t get out of there. It’s making his health bad.”

Caroline nodded. “Yes, that’s true.”

“I don’t reckon I’m much different,” Will told her. “But I don’t worry things the way he does. I figure I’ll go out when it’s my time. He says you two love each other, is that so?”

She had no idea where the conversation might be headed, but Caroline craved warmth. She ached to go inside and wind down after work. “Yes, it’s true.”

Will snorted. “Always was, as far as I know. What I came to tell you, though, is that he’s decided he won’t make old bones, not with bad lungs and poor health. He doesn’t think he should tell you because you’ll get your panties in a twist. But he told me today, at lunch break, he doesn’t think he can marry you ’cause it wouldn’t be fair to make you a young widow. He figures to spend what time he might have left with you, but he’s thinking it’s not long.”

The chill enveloping her now didn’t come from the cool temperatures but from fear and dread. “He hasn’t said anything to me.”

“And he won’t. It’s just an idea he’s got in his head, like he thinks he has a premonition. Our grandma, she willed herself to up and die. I’d rather Neil not do the same.”

Caroline found her voice. “I agree, but what do you want me to do?”

Will shrugged. “I don’t know, but I thought I ought to tell you what’s in his mind. Maybe you can think of something.”

“I’ll try.” She wondered if Neil were still in the tub or if he might peer around the curtain any moment to find her talking with his cousin. If so, he’d wonder and might be angry if he knew the topic they discussed.

“That’s all you can do. I’m headin’ home now. My wife’s about to pop with our third baby and she wants me home just in case. Thank you, Miss Caroline. Anything you can do or say to help him is much appreciated.”

She nodded. “Thank you for telling me.”

“Sure thing,” Will said.

Without any further discussion, he rose and climbed into his truck. He drove away and she stood, despite the cold, and watched. Things had been difficult enough and this new development increased her burdens.

Lines from an old ballad her grandmother used to sing, one she thought the Carter Family had once recorded, came to mind. The name, she remembered was, ‘Coal Miner’s Blues’ and the lyrics she recalled came from her lips. Carrie struggled to remember all the words but failed, something about miner’s blues being coal black. The song, she thought, had been about the worst kind of blues, the lowest, darkest thoughts and it fit like a tailored shirt. Neil had a bad case of the coal black blues.

Caroline understood something more than she had before. Neil feared that she would leave but in a backward way, he wanted her to go because he thought it would diminish her grief if, or when he died.
Nothing would, nothing ever could, ease my heart if anything, but I can see he’s got the coal black blues.

Her revelation helped, but it fixed nothing. Somehow, someway she had to figure out something that would.

Chapter Fifteen

With each day that passed, Neil appeared more haggard and said a little less. Caroline watched and worried, aware that long hours in the mine took a heavy toll. She waited, without any success, for him to confide his fears, but when he didn’t, she was determined to bring up the subject. She waited for the right chance and when none had arisen, she left the store early on Friday and came home to wait for Neil.

To pass the time and to please him, Caroline cooked. She made a pot of Spanish rice, using her aunt’s old recipe and as it simmered, the aroma permeated the house. Then she baked a pan of brownies and made a fresh pot of coffee. She stoked the wood stove and savored the warmth. Outside, a steady rain had fallen all day long and the low gray clouds matched her mood.

Neil stumbled in, leaving his miner’s gear on the porch, and stopped short.

“You’re home,” he said, sounding surprised.

“Yes, I am. I took off a little early so I could spend more time with you.”

“I’m glad. Something smells pretty good.”

“I made Spanish rice. There’s fresh coffee, too, if you want a cup.”

“I could use one, but I need to wash up first.”

“I can bring you a cup while you’re in the tub if you want.”

He smiled. “That would be awesome, honey.”

Caroline knew better than to touch him before his bath so she came no closer. Instead, she waited while he made his way upstairs. She listened to the water running, and when Neil turned off the faucets, she poured a big mug of coffee laced with sugar the way he liked it.

Neil sat in the tub with the water three-quarters full. It had already begun to darken as the coal dust sluiced away from his skin. “Here,” she said.

He took the cup in his big hands and sipped. His features relaxed as he savored a long drink. “Thanks. You make coffee hot and strong, the way I like it.”

“Miner style,” she said. “I know. I was raised on it. Let me wash your hair for you.”

His eyes widened, brilliant against his facial grime and five o’clock shadow. “What?”

She ran her fingers through his thick mop. “You drink coffee, I’ll do your shampoo.”

Neil shot her a look but she saw some interest. “Why?”

“So you can relax.”

“All right, if you want to do it. I don’t think anybody’s washed any part of me since I was about five years old, though.”

Caroline laughed. “There’s a first time for everything.”

She wet his hair with the cup she kept near the tub to rinse her own, and used a dollop of shampoo to suds his hair. She rinsed, then repeated. His hair squeaked between her fingers and she glanced at Neil. His eyes were shut but his shoulders had relaxed.

“Oh, my Lord, that’s nice,” he said. “It could put me to sleep if you didn’t quit.”

“I’m done. Do you want some more coffee?”

He shook his head and she dodged the spray. “I do, but I’ll wait ’til I come downstairs. I want to finish cleaning up before I do doze off. It won’t take long.”

She took the empty mug and turned toward the door. “Carrie, you don’t have to go,” he said. “You’ve seen all of me there is to see, scars and all. Talk to me.”

After he’d been so taciturn all week, his request delighted her. “All right,” she said and sat down on the closed commode lid. “I’m glad it’s Friday, although I may have to be down at the store for a while tomorrow. Jackson has a wrestling meet and if Bertha can’t come in early, then I’ll need to be there. It won’t be long, though.”

“If you have to go, I’ll come with you if that’s okay.”

She smiled, happy at his suggestion. “Sure, I’d like that. You’ve been so quiet all week. You must feel better.”

Neil reached for the bar of soap and lathered. “I’m worn out, but yeah, I’m doing better. I won’t lie and say it hasn’t been hard to go back to work ’cause it has. I’d almost forgot how filthy I get. I’m just lookin’ forward to getting some rest and being with you all I can.”

Caroline decided not to wait for a better cue. She schooled her tone casual and asked, “Does that mean you’ve decided I’m not leaving?”

He rinsed his face, tired once the grime had been removed, and grinned. “Yeah, honey. That’s been a fear, but I really don’t think you’re going anywhere, even though you ought to skedaddle away fast as you can.”

“Why would I do that?”

“So if I go away, you won’t be left alone.”

He said the words with soft nonchalance and an even tone. Neil didn’t sound upset, just certain stating a fact. Despite the warm, steam-filled bathroom, Caroline shivered. She chose her words with handpicked care. “I thought you came home to stay, like me.”

Neil’s eyes glittered. Maybe it was only the reflection of the bathwater, or maybe tears.

“I’m where I want to be,” he said. “But Carrie, you know what the doctors said. My lungs are messed up. I beat the odds once and survived Afghanistan. But I think I’m slap out of luck.”

Now that she’d got him to talk about it, she almost regretted it. Hearing it from Will had been bad enough, but the calm way Neil spoke rattled her more than if he’d been raging.

“I don’t think so. You’re recovering from pneumonia.”

“That’s because of you. I probably wouldn’t have gone to the doctor if you weren’t around and died up there in my trailer. I’m more likely to take sick again and it’ll just be worse. I’m pretty well doomed.”

“No, you’re not, Neil. This doesn’t sound like you. I think this fatalism is part of the PTSD.”

He drew his knees up and hunched forward in the tub. By now, the water had to be growing cold. “Maybe it doesn’t sound like me, the guy you remember years ago, but you don’t know how I was before you came back home.”

Caroline remained steady on the outside but within, she trembled. Whatever she said and did now had major importance. “I saw glimpses of how it must have been in you, Neil. I know you had a hard way to go.”

“I still do, a good part of the time.”

His anguished tone cut her heart like a filet knife. “I know, sweetheart, I do. But you’re not going to die anytime soon. I won’t let you.”

She meant to say the last sentence with a light, teasing tone, but it came from her mouth with serious intent.

Neil gave her a faint, weary grin. “I won’t make old bones,” he told her. “Besides, I got a feeling.”

“A premonition.” She repeated what Will had said.

“That’s right, a premonition. I think I’ll go sooner rather than later, honey. My old Granny, she got feelings like this and I just know something’s gonna happen.”

“No, it’s not. I know about your Granny’s feelings.” Caroline snapped out the words before she thought. “And how she talked herself into dying. You’re not doing the same, Neil McCullough.”

He shook his head. “You don’t understand, honey. I don’t want to die. I’m damn sorry I think that’s what will happen. Now that you’re back, loving me, I’d rather live. I just don’t think it’s in the cards.”

“You’re scaring me, Neil. Please, don’t talk like this.”

His wet fingers reached out to catch her hand and hold it. “I can’t help it. I don’t want it, but I’m afraid it’ll happen. One way or another, the mine’s gonna kill me.”

Unshed tears formed a hard knot in her chest, heavy enough to ache. They choked her throat, but Caroline held on, trying to remain calm for Neil. It wouldn’t help if she lost control of her emotions. “Then get out of there,” she said and her voice broke. “Give yourself a chance. If you believe what you said, I don’t understand why you went back.”

“I’ve thought a lot about that this week and I don’t know. I guess I think I can’t get away from fate. It’s all wrapped up with me being a man and having some worth, too.”

“Don’t go back Monday, Neil. Please.”

She’d worried all week, not knowing his thoughts. If he returned, Caroline would be terrified.

“I need to be there. I can’t quit without notice,” Neil said. “But, listen, I’ll quit at the end of the year if everything’s okay. I’ll quit and work with you at the store.”

Caroline heard the first hint of hope. She would rather not wait but the end of the year was just weeks away. “Promise me, Neil.”

“I promise.” As if he’d just noticed the water had gone cold, he shivered. “Hand me a towel, would you?”

With that, he ended the conversation and the topic.

The rich, flavorful Spanish rice filled their bellies and whether it was the time off from the mine or the shared conversation, Neil interacted with Caroline as he had always done. She relaxed during the meal, resolved to enjoy the return of his usual personality.
He’s almost recovered and he has time to unwind. If he’ll let go of the notion he’s bound to die, he’ll be fine. We’ll be fine.

After supper, Neil lingered in the kitchen while she washed the dishes and grabbed a towel to dry. They settled down to watch a movie on the couch, Caroline tucked within the circle of Neil’s arm. Near the end, he dozed and she let him rest. Then they headed upstairs to bed, together, and she curled close against his back. She kept one hand resting on Neil, a reassurance she needed. They talked a little in the darkness.

“I’m sleeping as late as I can in the morning,” Neil said.

“I am too.”

“Besides going to the store, you got any plans, Carrie?”

“No, nothing but kicking back with you and I might see if I can find the decorations up in the attic. There should be a box of ornaments, maybe some other stuff.”

“Good. I’m looking forward to Christmas for the first time in years.”

His voice had thickened with drowsiness so Caroline did her best to ignore the unspoken part, that it might be his last. She didn’t believe it and wouldn’t. Things had improved and she intended to do all she could to keep them that way.

On Saturday morning, Caroline woke long before Neil. After two cups of coffee and toast, she braved the narrow stairs to the attic. The last time she’d been in the cramped space had been before her mom moved to Baltimore. Judging by the dust gathered on every surface, she wasn’t sure anyone had been either. Balancing a flashlight in one hand, Caroline maneuvered around the stacks of boxes, tired suitcases, the ancient baby crib, and Granny’s old Singer sewing machine, the one built into a table. Under the eaves where she had to crouch to avoid knocking her head against the roof, Caroline found the big hat box with the ornaments. She resisted the urge to open it, but she knew all the decorations, the store bought and the homemade, were wrapped in a tissue or twist of newspaper. She also located another container with outdated strings of lights, which she decided to replace, the Christmas wreath she remembered always hanging on the front door in the season, and a few other things. A small Nativity, complete with animals, shepherds, angels, the Baby Jesus and his parents, appeared to be intact.

It took two trips and several sneezes, but Caroline managed to get the boxes she wanted down to the living room. She put them in the corner beside the doorway into the kitchen, where she planned to put the tree, and brushed dust from her clothes. On impulse, she decided to clean up so she took a quick bath, then tossed her dirty laundry into the washer. After she transferred it to the dryer, Caroline wondered if she should wash Neil’s miner’s clothing or not. As she lifted a shirt he came down the stairs.

“Don’t wash those here, Carrie. They’ll ruin your washing machine. It’ll gunk it up.”

“Good morning to you,” she said, with a smile. He had a little spring in his step and the slightest sparkle in his eyes. “Thanks for telling me. I’m glad I didn’t try to wash them last week.”

“I am, too.”

“Then what do I do with them?” As far as she knew, there wasn’t a laundromat anywhere near Coaltown.

“We’ll take them to my trailer. I’ve got a worn-out washer. It’s already coated with coal dust so it won’t hurt it any.”

Caroline put down the shirt she held and noted how grimy it’d made her hands. She turned to the sink and scrubbed them clean. “Okay, sure. I talked to Alexander and I need to cover at the store from two until five thirty or six. Do you still want to come with me?”

Neil nodded. “Sure, honey. I like hanging around the store.”

She checked the time. “If you want breakfast, I’ll fix you something then we’ll take your laundry to your place. By the time it’s done, we can head over to the store. If we want lunch or dinner, we’ll just grab something there.”

“Don’t bother with breakfast. I’ll make a sandwich.”

He got one piece of bread, put two slices of bologna with cheese on it, then folded it over and ate it. She poured him coffee into a travel mug and Neil loaded up his dirty clothes into an old canvas bag. They headed out in his truck, music blaring from the speakers beneath a clear sky so blue it made Caroline’s heart ache. At his place, she went inside because Neil convinced her that the cold temperatures would have the snakes in hibernation. As he tossed his clothes into a battered washer and added some liquid Dawn with powder detergent, she sat gingerly on the edge of the couch. While the washing machine bounced and danced through the cycle, Neil joined her.

“If your mining clothes will mess up the machine, will they even come out clean?”