ClownFellas (37 page)

“Were you the one calling my house last night?” Jojo asked his mistress after they finished having a long session of lethargic, straightforward sex.

The cutesy clown girl, less than half his age, wrapped her body around him and pulled up the covers. She looked at him and shrugged innocently, waving her long green eyelashes and smiling to show off her rosy red dimples. She was obviously trying to avoid the question.

“I'm serious, Pepper. We agreed you'd never call.”

Once he pushed it, the smile fell from Pepper's face. “So what? I just wanted to hear your voice. Why didn't you answer?”

“You don't call there. Ever.”

She tossed the covers away and sat up, strapping on her pointy blue bra with propellers on the tips.

“Why haven't you divorced her yet?” she asked. “You've been promising all year that you'd finally end it with her. Then we wouldn't have to sneak around all the time.”

Jojo rolled over and put his face in the pillow. He went to see Pepper because being at her place was usually the only time he was able to relax. It was stress-free. He didn't have to worry about his demanding work or his bickering family. He could just be himself. The last thing he wanted was to have to deal with Pepper getting on his case about leaving his wife.

Closing his eyes, he said, “I've told you. It's complicated. We've been together thirty years.”

Pepper stepped away from the bed so she wouldn't get hit.

“If you don't tell her about us, I will.”

Jojo sat up with a look on his face that was absolutely livid. If the clown were closer, he probably would've hit her. “What did you just say?”

“Somebody has to tell her and if you won't I will.”

Jojo pointed at her. “You don't even think about it. This isn't a game. If you call my wife again, or even mention to me that you're thinking about telling her about us, I will destroy you.”

Jojo paused to grab the brass key from the nightstand and wind up his heart. He put his anger into every turn of the key.

“I won't just cut you off financially, I'll cut you off the face of the planet.”

Pepper sneered at him with her pouty green lips, sniffling as if she were about to cry. Her nose—light green, like a little Granny Smith apple on the center of her face—quivered below her wet eyes. She was upset, but not because she was afraid. She was used to his threats. He was a bastard, but he didn't scare her. What bothered her most was the thought that he didn't take her seriously.

“Well, what am I supposed to do?” she asked. “Just wait around forever?”

Jojo tried to calm himself. “I call the shots. When I'm ready to tell her, I'll tell her. And if I decide never to tell her, that's too damn bad. You either wait for me or you get lost, but you don't talk to my wife. Got it?”

Pepper nodded, but the way she avoided eye contact Jojo could tell she wasn't sincere. Uncle Jojo had actually been trying to break it off with Pepper for months now, but he didn't know how. She was a crazy kid and he had no idea what she would do if he told her to take a hike. For starters, she would tell his wife about them. That part was a given. Then she would probably stalk him, slash his tires, basically do everything in her power to make him miserable. That was not something a guy like him could let happen. He was pretty sure the only way he was going to be able to break it off with her was by putting a bullet in her head, and that was not a thing he was looking forward to.

“I'm sorry I had to yell,” Jojo said to break the awkward silence.

Pepper ignored him, putting on her clothes and strapping on her five-inch heels.

“You going somewhere?” Jojo asked. “If you're upset I should be the one to leave. This is your place after all.”

She went to her vanity and put on some makeup. Most clowns didn't need to add makeup with all the natural color in their skin, but Pepper preferred to have a lot more red in her face to balance out the green. She didn't think all the green features on her face were very pretty. But with her natural green-and-white skin, Jojo thought that all adding red makeup did was make her look like some kind of Christmas clown.

“I'm going out with Jimmy tonight,” she said.

“My nephew? You still hang out with him?”

Pepper put on layer after layer of lipstick, trying to turn her green lips red. “Yeah, you got a problem with that?”

“You're not fucking him, are you?”

Pepper giggled. “We've known each other since we were kids. Jimmy's like a brother to me.”

“So you've never done it with him, even after all those years? Jimmy doesn't seem like the kind of kid who would keep girls around that he wasn't giving it to.”

“Jimmy has no interest in me whatsoever. He said I'd be the last girl he'd ever want to be with.”

“Why's that?”

“He said I'd be too much of a psycho to date. Can you believe that?
He
called
me
a psycho? If anyone's crazy, it's Jimmy Bozo.”

Jojo thought about it. He wasn't really sure which of the two was crazier. They were both equally nuts in his opinion. He wondered if their unbalanced personalities were why they'd been friends so long. You'd have to be nuts to hang out with either of them for fun.

When she grabbed her things and left, Jojo closed his eyes to get a much-needed nap. As he drifted off, he wondered how Pepper was going to take Jimmy's death. He hoped it didn't make her more needy than she already was. And he really hoped it didn't make her even crazier. He wouldn't be able to handle her if she got any crazier.

“What the hell, Tommy?” Jojo said to his brother.

Jojo was the only person who still called him Tommy. To everyone else, he was Don Bozo. First name Don. Last name Bozo. If anyone called him Tommy Bozo he took it as a sign of disrespect. But he let his brother slide, because he knew the son of a bitch didn't respect him anyhow.

“You took the gumball factory from me?” Jojo placed his hands on his brother's desk and leaned in. “My wallet's already been hurting since Buttons ran out on us.”

Don Bozo didn't like when his brother barged into The Show to complain about the way he was running things. It was something he did far too often. Jojo was never satisfied with the job his brother did, even on the best of days.

“I didn't have a choice,” said Don Bozo. “Manny Malone's breathing down my neck again. We got to keep things quiet for a while.”

“Do you know how much that's going to cost me? The gumball factory's a major source of income for me. It's the
only
source of income for a lot of my guys.”

The gumball factory was what they called their black-market gun trade. They manufactured and distributed clown weapons all over the country, from gumball shotguns, to explosive pies, to happy bullets, to pretty much everything that a clown could use to kill someone. It was a major operation that brought in billions a year, and it wasn't something that you just shut down out of nowhere for no good reason.

“It's only temporary,” Don Bozo said. He twisted up a balloon dog and let it crawl across his desk toward his brother.

“Temporary? How temporary?”

“A few weeks. Maybe a few months.” The boss shrugged. “Until I say otherwise.”

Jojo banged his fists on his brother's desk, crushing the balloon dog. “This is really bad timing, Tommy. I got my daughter's wedding coming up. You know that. And with that girl, trust me, I need all the money I can get right now. She's absolutely slaughtering my bank account.”

Don Bozo pushed his brother's hand away from the desk to free the balloon dog before it popped.

“You're going to have to get by without the gumball factory for now, Jojo. If you need a little extra for Taffy's wedding I'll float you the cash.”

“For how many points? I'm second in command here. I shouldn't have to be taking out a loan to pay for a little wedding.”

Don Bozo just looked up at his brother. He didn't have to say another word. Jojo knew he wasn't going to budge.

“This isn't going to stand, Tommy. If you don't get the gumball factory up and running again there's going to be hell to pay.” Jojo went to the door. They stared each other down for a few minutes, but his brother wouldn't say another word. “Mark my word.”

Jojo walked out the door. Then walked right back in with a completely different tone of voice—a sweeter, more gentle tone. “You've got everything sorted for Taffy's wedding like I asked, right?”

His brother nodded.

“She's got her heart set on having those circus animals there. You got to come through with that, especially a white pony. She needs a white pony.”

Don Bozo nodded again. “Don't worry yourself none, Joe. I want my niece's wedding to be as perfect as you do.”

Jojo hated when his brother called him Joe, even worse than his brother hated being called Tommy.

“Thanks a lot, Tom.”

Then Jojo's expression changed back to the sour mug it had been a moment ago and he stared down his brother while slowly closing the door.

Pinky Smiles showed up at Jojo's doorstep that night, carrying flowers and a bottle of rosé wine.

“Your bride's not here,” Jojo said. “She's out with her mother shopping for a chocolate fountain or something ridiculous like that.” Then he pointed at the things in Pinky's hands. “Those for Taffy?”

The kid was obviously nervous. Jojo was an intimidating figure, especially for a soon-to-be father-in-law. And as second in command of the Bozo Family, he was not the kind of clown whose daughter you wanted to be messing around with.

Pinky looked down, then back up at the clown. “No, they're for Gianna.”

Jojo laughed and let him inside. “It's not my wife you have to impress, kid. It's me. Where's
my
bottle?”

Pinky looked down. “I just got the one.”

Jojo shrugged and said, “I guess we'll have to drink that one then. My wife shouldn't be having any on her medication anyway.”

The underboss uncorked the bottle and poured each of them a glass, then they went to the living room and took a seat.

“I'm glad you came,” Jojo said. “I've been needing to talk to you.”

Pinky took his glass and drank the tiniest sip. “Yeah?”

When Jojo took a sip of the wine, he cringed and spit it back into the glass. “This crap is terrible. Where the hell did you get this?”

Pinky didn't know how to respond to that. He just shrugged and shrank in his seat.

“Seriously, kid. A real clown drinks whiskey, beer, and scotch…and maybe a little bubblegum cognac now and then. That's it. None of this wine bullshit. We're not fucking French.”

Pinky just nodded and sipped his wine.

“So, this was supposed to be a surprise Blue Nose was going to tell you at your bachelor party.” Jojo paused to take a couple of gulps of the wine, despite what he'd just said about never drinking it. “But I'm not invited to your bachelor party, not that I'd go if I was, so to hell with the surprise if I'm not going to be there for it…”

Jojo trailed off to take a few more sips of wine. He cringed after every sip.

“What surprise?” Pinky asked.

Jojo looked at Pinky and raised his glass. “You're getting made, kid. Congratulations.”

Pinky's eyes lit up. “Are you serious?”

“Try to act surprised when Vinnie tells you later this week.”

“I can't believe it…,” Pinky said. All of his dreams were suddenly coming true. “Thank you.”

Even though Spotty had told him it was coming, Pinky was still shocked that it was really happening.

“Come here,” Jojo said, giving the kid a cheers with his glass and then giving him a hug. “By this time next week, after you walk down the aisle, you'll be a major part of both my families.”

Pinky was practically glowing. “Thank you. This means everything to me.”

“You're going to be the father of my grandchildren,” Jojo said. “This promotion will ensure you're able to provide for them. If my brother didn't approve of Vinnie's request, I probably would've called the wedding off.”

Jojo laughed, but Pinky could tell he wasn't joking.

“Speaking of my brother, you probably know that me and him don't always get along too well.”

Pinky nodded. Everyone knew about how much the two Bozo brothers always butted heads.

“There's going to come a day, maybe even sometime soon, when it will be time for my brother to step down and another clown will have to take his place.”

“Like Jimmy?”

Uncle Jojo frowned at the kid. That was the wrong name to say at that moment.

“No, like me.”

Pinky nodded. “Oh yeah, of course.”

“And when that time comes, I want to make sure you're on my side. Not Vinnie's side. Not anyone else's side.”

The mood in the room became tense. Pinky with his happy-go-lucky personality wasn't accustomed to this kind of talk. It took him by surprise.

“But Vinnie's my capo,” Pinky said.

“Yeah, and you should be loyal to him. And my brother's the boss, you should be loyal to him, too. But I'm going to be your father. The clown who marries my daughter has to be loyal to me over anyone else in the family. Capisce?”

Pinky nodded. It was clear he really had no clue what he was talking about. He didn't understand why he'd need to be loyal to one clown more than another. He was loyal to the Bozo Family,
everyone
in the Bozo Family. The idea of choosing sides didn't make sense.

“I have high hopes for you, kid. Don't disappoint me.”

Pinky stood up, thinking Jojo was finished with the conversation.

“We're not through yet,” Jojo said.

Pinky refilled his glass instead.

“The last thing I wanted to talk about is the most important,” Jojo said. He waited for Pinky to sit down before continuing. “It's about my daughter. Taffy is everything to me. She means more to me than anything else in the world.”

Jojo pulled out a revolver and set it in his lap. He pretended to be polishing it with a napkin while pointing it directly at the kid.

“When I first heard that you and Taffy were engaged, I wasn't too happy about it,” Jojo said. “In fact, I was a little annoyed…annoyed enough to put a bullet in your head.”

Pinky tried to shift away from his line of fire, but Jojo just tilted it toward his new direction while polishing.

“I didn't want her to marry someone like you. It's not because you're half clown. I don't care about that. In fact, half clown is better than full clown if you ask me. I was really hoping she'd end up with a nice vanilla boy. A doctor or an engineer, somebody who'd take her away from this town. But you? There was no way I could let her end up with someone like you…” He broke eye contact and looked down at the gun. “Or someone like me.”

Jojo put the gun down.

“But then I started thinking, maybe you're the perfect guy for Taffy.” Jojo took another swig of wine. “Let's be honest, she's not the easiest person to get along with. I spoiled her too much. I love her with all my heart, but she's kind of a little shit, to be honest. My dream of her ending up with some vanilla doctor? Not going to happen. But you? You're something else.”

Jojo paused to laugh at the kid. “You have the patience of a saint putting up with her for as long as you two've been dating. She's never had a boyfriend who stuck around as long as you.”

Pinky didn't know what he was getting at, but smiled anyway. Just thinking about Taffy always put a smile on his face.

“When I think about what really matters to me, it's not giving her the life I wanted for her. All I really care about is for her to be happy. And I don't think any guy out there could make her as happy as you do.”

Jojo finished the bottle. By the end, he realized he kind of liked the flowery wine. It tasted a little too much like perfume, but pretty good.

“You're like me,” Jojo said. “You see her as a princess. And the only way to deal with a princess is to endlessly shower her with gold and presents and admiration, and never ask for anything in return. Not many men are willing to do that for a woman. But you are. Once I realized that, I knew you were the only clown my daughter could marry.”

Pinky didn't know what to say after that speech. He wanted to give the big guy a hug. But after he stood up, he found the barrel of the revolver shoved in his stomach.

“But if you ever stop treating my daughter like a princess,” Jojo spit in his face. “If you ever hit her, cheat on her, or do anything to even make her cry, I will bury you. Once that ring is on your finger, you're dedicated to her for life.”

Pinky just smiled at him.

“Of course,” the kid said. “I wouldn't have it any other way.”

Jojo was thrown off by the half clown. He wouldn't expect him to be so cheerful with a gun in his stomach. It was like the kid was so confident that he'd always make Taffy happy, the threat was inconsequential to him.

“I'm glad we understand each other,” Jojo said.

Then he gave Pinky an awkward hug so tight the gun nearly went off between them.