Clover (6 page)

Clover sat there for a moment with her eyes closed, hoping he would kiss her again. She could feel the moisture of his kiss on her lips, feel the heat of his body near hers, but he never made full contact again.

She placed her palm flat against his chest just to feel the beating of his heart. It was pounding hard enough for her to feel it all the way down her arm. “What is this?”

“I like you, Clover. Always have.”

That explained absolutely nothing, but Jake didn’t offer anything else. She didn’t have any good response. Truthfully, she hadn’t noticed him much before now. Yes, she’d known he was there, but that was different than truly seeing someone. She was embarrassed to note the difference. She’d always been polite to him, but treated him more like one of R.J.’s friends than her own. She supposed it was because he was three years younger than her, but the importance of those three years grew less and less the more time she spent with him.

She’d spent a lot of time in recent months thinking about what she wanted out of a relationship, and what kind of man she wanted to be in a relationship with. She wanted someone who would stop to help stranded neighbors on the side of the road, someone who would rescue a person from an inappropriately assertive boss, and someone who would think to pack sandwiches just in case she might be hungry.

She wanted someone who would go out of his way to pick her up after work when her car broke down, someone who would hold her hand and sit quietly with her, and someone who would bring beer, wine, and water just to make sure she had something she liked to drink.

Jake was a perfect match.

Eight Years Ago

Clover walked through her dad’s field toward the Feldman place. R.J. followed behind her, stopping periodically to pull up his pants and complain that it was too hot to be outside. She agreed, but when her dad suggested that they make the trip to welcome Jake on his first day at his aunt’s, Clover knew it wasn’t optional.

Her dad had never even mentioned Jake’s arrival before, so why the sudden interest this year? This would be his fifth year, so it was old news at this point.

When they reached the irrigation canal that bordered her father’s property, she knew they were almost there. She walked along the dirt road that ran next to the canal until she saw a white split rail fence. Tammy Feldman’s small herd of cattle looked at them curiously for a moment, then returned to eating the long grass.

Brandon never kept animals, preferring to grow crops on their land. Tammy, focused mostly on meat, raised cows, pigs, and chickens. Clover had a vague memory of sheep one year, but they were not a regular presence on the small tract of land.

“Are we almost there?” R.J. hitched up his pants and half ran to catch up with her.

“Almost.” She’d given him the same answer every time he’d asked, which had been a lot. This time she decided to elaborate. “This fence leads straight to their house. You can see it over there.” She pointed toward the horizon. The top of the Feldman house barely showed.

“Oh man. That’s forever away.” R.J. sniffed. He had allergies and was really gross about it. She didn’t know if it was because of his age or because he was a boy. She’d never seen Jake act like that, but the boys in her class were a mixed bag. Some were disgusting. Some were disgusting and stupid. None of them was at all interesting.

“Suck it up. Nobody made you come.” She had very little sympathy for her brother. It wasn’t his fault he was so much younger and that she was constantly made to babysit him, but she couldn’t exactly take it out on her dad, either. He had the power to ground her if he didn’t like her attitude. She avoided that at all costs.

“Dad did.” R.J. sniffled again and wiped the back of his hand across his nose, then wiped his hand on his jeans. Like she said, gross.

“No he didn’t.” Granted, she knew his suggestion was actually an order, but it’d been directed at her, not R.J.. Besides, her brother was about as intuitive as a groundhog. There was no reason to think he actually picked up on the nuance in their dad’s tone.

“It wasn’t what he said. It was how he said it.” R.J. ran ahead of her and called back, “I can see it really well now. We’re almost there for real.”

Clover shook her head. What else had she been underestimating about R.J.? If he picked up on their dad’s mood from his tone, then maybe he noticed other things, too. She raced after her brother. If she lost him in Tammy Feldman’s small field, her dad would kill her.

They reached the front door at the same time, but R.J. knocked before she had a chance. Tammy answered the door.

“You kids looking for Jake already? He’s in his room.” She walked out and headed toward the big outbuilding on the north side of their property. That’s where they kept the equipment. She left the door open and called to them when they remained standing on the porch. “Go on in.”

Jake was sitting on his bed with his head in his hands. He looked sadder than Clover ever remembered seeing him. There was an open suitcase next to him. It had already been unpacked.

R.J. ran into the room and belly flopped onto the bed behind Jake. Clover stood in front of Jake and waited for him to notice her. When he didn’t comment, she kicked his shoe gently. “You okay?”

“Sure.” He didn’t sound convincing.

“Want to hang out with us?”

Jake shrugged and then stood. “Okay.” He’d grown since last summer, but not nearly as much as she had. She was at least a head taller than him.

“What do you want to do?”

He shrugged again.

“Are you hungry?” Not that she could do anything about it. This wasn’t her house and she wasn’t exactly able to invite him home. Her dad hadn’t been specific, but she knew she needed to stay gone for longer than it took to walk here and back.

“I’m good. Aunt Tammy fed me when I got here.”

“Let’s play hide and seek.” R.J. bounced in place. Clover really hoped Jake would say no. She hated hide and seek.

Jake looked at Clover and almost smiled. “Nah, not right now.” He apparently knew her better than she thought.

“Thanks.”

“No problem.” He shrugged. “Let’s just go sit outside.” Jake led them out of the house and they sat in a row across the front step.

“How was your drive?”

Jake looked at the road for a long while before he answered. “Loud.”

Clover didn’t know how to respond to that, so she didn’t.

Jake pointed at her mouth. “You got your braces off.”

“Yes, couple weeks ago.” Thank God. Clover had hated having that mouth full of metal. It made her look like a robot when she smiled. Her brother had loved it. He made fun of her every chance he got.

“Looks nice,” Jake said in a voice that made her feel special, but she didn’t know why. She smiled reflexively at his comment and he returned it, then expanded his compliment. “Really nice.”

They didn’t do much for the rest of the day besides sit on the porch and drive R.J. mad with their inactivity, but Clover liked to think that she made Jake feel a little better just by being there. At least he didn’t look as sad when they finally left for home later that day as he had when they’d arrived.

Present Day

Clover may not have paid much attention to Jake before, but he definitely had her attention now. All of his good points added up to tell her that she should leave him alone. She was leaving in little over a month and so was he. While she was up for a summer fling, she was not interested in falling in love and complicating her life further. She had very specific plans and Jake Feldman was the kind of guy who she could fall in love with. The timing in her life just wasn’t right for true romance.

Still, she couldn’t stop herself from saying, “I like you, too.” She cupped the side of his face. “So I don’t see what the problem is.”

“I’m leaving here at the end of summer, moving back to Salem.” Jake looked heartbroken.

“Yeah, so am I. Well, not the Salem part. I’m moving to Portland, but why can’t we enjoy one another while we’re here?” Maybe she could survive a summer fling with Jake. If she kept herself carefully in check, she
might
be able to keep herself from getting invested. She knew, as she thought it, that she was lying to herself, but the thought of ending before they really started made her chest ache.

“We can, I suppose, but what about after?”

“What do you mean?”

Jake took both her hands in his. “Clover, I just...I can’t do casual. Not with you. If we...do things...I’m never going to want to let you go. It was hard enough to leave you behind before, but I’d never survive it if I thought that you might want me, too.”

Oh God, he was definitely the kind of guy she could fall for. Boys...men, really, didn’t say things like that. At least not her ex-boyfriend. He simply pushed and pushed until the next thing she knew, her pants were halfway down and his fingers were working inside her.

“Too late for that. I definitely want you.” She cupped her palm around his cheek and just held it there. She wanted to do so much more, but didn’t want to risk him withdrawing completely. So much for easy and casual. Jake had stripped that option from her and she felt better for it.

“Jesus.” He looked at her with such desire that Clover felt it deep inside her. It jolted through her body and made her throb with an intense need to show him exactly how much she wanted him.

“Would it really be so wrong for us to kiss?” She moved closer until their lips were almost touching.

“No, but...” The tremble in Jake’s voice made her pause in the moment before she touched her lips to his.

“But what?” She whispered.

“I’ve never...” Jake swallowed hard, but didn’t continue.

“Never?” Clover felt a strange rush of déjà vu. The last time she’d had a conversation like this, she’d been the one trying to explain that she was still a virgin. Not that she was certain that was what Jake was saying, but it certainly felt like it. “What, Jake? You can tell me.”

“I’ve never...you know...”

Clover waited for more, but it never came. Finally, she kissed him softly and said, “We can take it slow.”

“Yeah?” He returned her kiss, his hands coming to rest on her hips again, the thumbs swiping upward, but not quite reaching her breasts.

“Yeah,” she spoke between kisses. “We can just kiss, if that’s what you want.”

Jake shook his head and his hair fell over his forehead. “That’s the problem. How am I supposed to just kiss you? I want so much more than that. But...”

Clover pushed his hair back and pressed light kisses to his forehead, then both eyes, his nose, and finished with his mouth. She didn’t want to push for more than he wanted to give, but God his mouth tasted so good, felt so perfect against hers. How was she supposed to stop herself when she’d never felt quite like this before? She eased closer to him, her tongue inside his mouth, searching for everything he couldn’t say with words.

Jake withdrew with a groan. “Wait.”

Clover nodded, her heart pounding in her chest. God, she wanted him.

He moved to stand in front of her. Taking her hands in both of his, he said, “You are so beautiful. I can’t even
think
about you without wanting you. All of you. I’ve wanted you for so long that it’s all I can remember. It’s all I can think about. Still, I’m not sure that I’m ready for that. The thought that you might feel the same is foreign and new and I’m not sure how to trust it, how to replace years of unrequited affection. And if
I’m
not after all this time, how can you be?”

To Clover that sounded pretty damn close to a declaration of love and that made her heart beat even faster. She wasn’t prepared to feel so much so soon. She couldn’t get a hold on all the emotions racing through her. As soon as she’d nail down one, another would go charging past and knock her on her ass. It was like she was caught in the middle of a stampede with no clear way out.

She wanted to go back to kissing him. That way she didn’t have to think. She could just let her body feel. The rest could wait until later, when she had a moment to breathe, to really calm herself and let her thoughts settle.

“I don’t know what to say.”

Jake’s chest heaved with exertion and his gaze moved from her mouth to her eyes, then back again. “I really like you. I can’t control how my body responds to you. It’s instant and overwhelming, but I can control what I do about it. I like you too much to put myself in a situation where I might not be able to stop.”

“What if I don’t want you to stop?” Clover looked up at him through her lashes and spoke very softly. The question was honest, but made her feel vulnerable. When Jake kissed her, or even just looked at her the way he was now, she wanted so much more than just one kiss.

Jake groaned. He dropped her hand and gripped her shoulders, his fingers digging in hard. He pulled her into a kiss that was so gentle and soft that it made her wonder if he was holding on so tight because he wanted to draw her closer or hold himself back.

He pulled away just as fiercely and crushed her to his chest in a tight hug. “You can’t say things like that.”

“Why not?” She kissed his neck lightly and tasted sweat on her lips.

“Because it makes it that much harder for me to stop.”

“But I don’t understand.” She kissed him again and again, working her way up to his ear. When she got there, she whispered, “Why do you want to?”

“Because I’ve waited this long. I want more for my first time.”

Clover stopped kissing Jake and tried to digest what he’d said, what it meant, but she couldn’t quite put the pieces together. It sounded like he said he was a virgin, but that couldn’t be. He’d hinted at it earlier, but to have him say it outright added a whole new level of reality to the conversation. She didn’t know anyone Jake’s age, especially not guys, who hadn’t had sex. In fact, in her experience, they spent their time trying to have it as often as possible. This just didn’t make sense.

She pulled back slightly so she could look into his eyes. “What do you want? For your first time?”

“I’m not even sure. The fantasy has shifted too many times in the past few years for me to say.” He smiled and his face blushed red, starting at his chest and going all the way to his hair.

“Have you done...” Clover stopped. There was no good way to ask what exactly his experience was. Surely he’d done
something
. The more she thought about it, however, the less she wanted to know the details of his encounters.

“Sure, just not...” Jake nodded rapidly and spoke even faster.

“Is this like a God thing or something?” She cringed internally at the way she’d worded that question, but it was necessary. If he was celibate because he had a commitment to God, then that wasn’t likely to change any time soon. And she wasn’t the type of person who would try to break that kind of faith-based decision.

She held her breath while she waited for his answer. There was a time in her life when she would have been overjoyed to date a boy who wasn’t constantly pressuring her to have sex. But she wasn’t that girl anymore. Admittedly, she didn’t have a ton of past experience, but sex was one of the bells in life that a person couldn’t un-ring.

“No, it’s more a lack of opportunity.”

Clover slumped with relief. While she didn’t completely believe Jake’s answer--Come on! Look at him!--she wasn’t about to argue with him. Whatever had driven the decision in the past, it clearly wasn’t a barrier now, and that was good enough for her.

She kissed him just because she felt like she could and giggled against his lips. She kissed him again and again until her giggles gave way to a chest-deep moan. She reached the point where she was about to unbuckle his belt and open his jeans, and recognized it as the point of no return. Pulling her hands away, she ended the kiss.

Jake looked just as disoriented and confused as she felt. Clover patted his chest and said, “We should stop. For now.” They were the hardest words to say, but she managed to sound normal when she said it.

Jake sighed and pulled her into another hug. “Can’t we just sit down and eat our food and drink our beer and worry about the rest later?”