Closer To You (Suits in Pursuit) (12 page)

The fire in her eyes blazed blue flames. “When we get stares and hateful looks, or when one of your friends says something negative about me or us, I wonder if you’ll leave me and choose someone who’s more unsuitable—familiar. I’m exotic to you now, but when my novelty wears off you’ll be done with me and I’ll be devastated. You don’t love me. You love the idea of me.”

Arms crossed over his chest, Axel blew out a hard breath, nostrils flaring. He dropped his head to his chest. 

Axel closed his eyes, his chest heaving and the vein in his neck throbbing. Silent for a few moments, he absorbed the meaning of her callous words before responding. In that instant, he realized that she would make him out to be the villain no matter what he said or did or how he treated her. She wouldn’t trust him, and he would never have her fully. Slowly opening his cloudy eyes, a single tear rolled down his red face to his clenched jaw. He wouldn’t propose to her and be subjected to her cruel rejection. Steam rolled off the top of his head. Angry at her harsh words, he stepped away from her.

She reached out as he backed away.
“Axel, please say something.”

The muscles in his face strained to prevent collapse.
“I have nothing else to say Kerrigan. This is what you’ll always think of me. You’ll never give us a chance. You’ve made me out to be a shallow, self-centered man. No matter what I say or do to show you my love for you, you’ll never trust me.” His tone was low, barely above a whisper.

She reached out again, and his arm flinched back. “
Clearly, you have a problem with our differences, or maybe you have a problem with my skin. I’ve never thought of you as average or as a conquest. I thought we shared something beyond the surface. What we’ve shared over the past year must have been meaningless to you. My love for you is hopeless and wasted.”

He turned his back to her and lowered his head.

“Kerrigan, maybe you’re right. Maybe we should just end this now. I never wanted to hurt you, but I can’t live with your constant scrutiny and expectation that I will. I wanted more than a casual relationship with you. For the first time in my life, I wanted more.” He closed his eyes. “You don’t know how much you’ve hurt me.”

She jumped at his hoarse laugh.

“Funny, y
ou were so worried that I’d break your heart and instead you’ve broken mine. I loved you.”

He stepped out of the shower, grabbed his robe and fled the bathroom leaving
her in the shower alone. Even with the fresh wounds she inflicted, he didn’t intend to let things end between them. He wanted to teach her a lesson. He knew she would be hurt. That was his plan. She needed to feel rejection, to feel pain, the same way she dished it out to him.

She
slumped to the floor and tears poured from Kerrigan’s soul. The finality of his words sunk in, his pain so potent that his reddened eyes pierced her heart. She shuddered all over, recalling his pained face and gritted teeth as he stared down into her eyes. She had never witnessed him be that angry. The love in his eyes had turned to fury. Did she allow her insecurities to destroy their relationship?

Kerrigan shivered, the streaming hot water had become cold.
A trembling hand reached for the handle, turned off the water. She stepped out of the shower, dried herself and then pulled on the robe. Standing at the mirror, puffy eyes and a swollen face reflected back. She dragged her weak, quivering body into the bedroom. There was no sign of Axel.

A note lay
on the crumpled sheets still sultry from their passionate lovemaking, where their bodies had been entwined. Her tears flowed again and she sunk to the floor next to the bed. This time she knew this wouldn’t be a love letter. A wave of nausea washed over her as her shaky hands opened the folded piece of paper. There were only two sentences scribbled on the inside. Her heart dropped as she read the words.

Kerrigan,

I’ve gone for a jog and have some business to take care of. Thomas will take you home.

Axel

CHAPTER ELEVEN

The
ride home was the longest ride of her life. The world outside whizzed by in a blurry haze. Kerrigan fought her tears the entire trip. She barely noticed when the car came to a stop outside of her apartment building. Thomas stepped out and around, and then opened the door. She didn’t have much to carry since Axel had arranged for everything to be provided for her at his house.

Walking into her
home was strange. Although only a couple of days had passed since she was there last, to her, a lifetime had passed. She meandered into her bedroom and changed into a pair of cream lounge pants and matching hoodie as was customary whenever she moped. The red light on her home phone flashed indicating she had messages waiting. She dialed into the system. After each message had ended, nervous fingers pressed the number one to hear the next message, hoping that one might be from Axel. None of messages had been from him. She knew from his reaction that she’d hurt him badly. She was hurting too. The worst part was that she didn’t know what to do to fix the pain she had caused him.

The rest of the day, she
sulked, ignoring two phone calls, one from Ashley and the other from her mother. She couldn’t bear the thought of having to rehash the events that had unfolded between her and Axel. She knew Ashley would rip into her for screwing things up. Her mother didn’t know anything about her relationship and conversation with her would feel empty and insincere.

At
two thirty, there was a knock on the front door. Her heart leapt into her throat. The last time she’d received an unannounced visitor had been Axel. She jumped up. Jittery legs carried her to the door.

“Who
’s there?” she asked anxiously.

“
Me, Ash. Open up Kerri. Are you okay?”

Her
heart sank. She fought tears back and maintained her composure.

Ashley shoved passed her.
“Where on earth were you? I’ve been worried sick. I haven’t seen you in forever, and you haven’t returned any of my messages. Is everything okay?” Hands on her hips, her eyes canvassed the room suspiciously.

“No, I’m not okay. It’s over with Axel.” Kerrigan wrapped her arms around herself.

Ashley gasped and cupped her
mouth. “Kerri, what happened?”

She knew
Ashley wouldn’t make light of her situation. Standing in the small foyer, Ashley coiled her arms around Kerrigan, and then they strolled toward the sofa.

Tears pooled in Kerrigan’s eyes
, her limp limbs sank into the sofa, and she curled her knees to her chest. “I don’t know how to give him what he wants. He wants a future with me. He wants me to trust him, to give my heart to him. I pushed him away. Now he’s gone, and I don’t think he’s coming back.”

Ashley plopped down beside her.
“I thought he was willing to take things slowly and wait for you? What happened? Is he using this as an excuse to dump you?” Ashley’s nostrils flared as she spoke.

“No
. Nothing like that at all. He really cares for me. I know he’s in love with me. I don’t know how to get over the insecurities gnawing at my brain.” She didn’t know what it would take to trust him. Perhaps nothing would ease her insecurity. “How can someone like him want someone like me? He said he couldn’t live under my constant scrutiny and expectation that he’d hurt me. This is my fault.” She buried her face in her hands.

“Kerri, do you love him?”

“Yes, you know I do, but I’ve never said the words to him. I can’t. I’m paralyzed by fear.”

“Girl, you
need to get over whatever is bothering you. A man like Axel comes along once in a lifetime, if at all. How is being with him? You both seem to have so much in common.”

“
Being with him is amazing. We laugh together, like the same things, want the same things. When we make love …” Her shaky voice pitched. “Making love is out of this world. He’s romantic. Ash, I screwed up.” She paused. The flood of tears overflowed down her cheeks. Barely audible, her voice strained. “I, I don’t think … he’ll ever take me back. I kept pushing him away. I said awful things to him. There’s no coming back from that. I’ve hurt him too badly.” She wailed loudly. Wringing her hands, she rocked back and forth in a fetal position until she sobered.

“If he really loves you, and I believe he does, then there’s always hope.”

She hung her head low, staring into her kneecaps. Her tears began to fall again. “I don’t know how to go on. I don’t know if I can work with him, see him every day.”

“Can you ask to be assigned to a different project?
Maybe things will blow over. This was just a fight.”

“
It was more than a fight. I’ve never seen him look the way he did. Ash, I think I should resign.” She sobbed loudly. Maybe ending things between them was best. It didn’t matter now. He had made the choice for them both. Perhaps this was the only choice that could be made.

“Slow down. Why don’t you see how next week goes first?”
Ashley patted her shoulder.

She lifted her head to Ashley’s tender eyes and mouth drawn into a straight line. Kerrigan was silent a few moments before responding.
“Okay. I can do that.” It had only taken a few weeks to fall for the man. Perhaps she could get him out of her system in the same amount of time. She was a rational thinker. But love follows its own principles, and neither rationale nor logic was relevant in a situation such as this. And she knew it.

“Kerri, I’ve never seen you like this. Don’t lose hope. Did he
say you and he were over?”

“Not in those exact words, but close
enough. He was extremely upset. He said that maybe we should end the relationship. He told me that I broke his heart.”

“Give him some time. You just had a fight.
Couples fight and then they make up.”

Ashley hugged her friend and
then stood up. “I’ve got to get going, but I wanted to check in on you. Call me anytime. I’ll see you Monday. Everything is going to be fine.”

She dragged herself to the front door with Ashley.
“Thanks Ash. I’m going out for some fresh air. Maybe I’ll grab some coffee and think things over. See you Monday.”

As soon as
Ashley left, Kerrigan slipped on her pink and gray New Balance walking shoes and headed outside. The air was crisp and cool as she paced the nature trail. The crunch and crackle of mulch and twigs snapping under her feet reminded her of her broken relationship. Remembering their first meeting in his office when he interviewed her, their attraction had been instant. A slight smile paused on her lips as she reminisced, recalling their first unofficial date in the skybox. He had declared their friendship there. Recounting the many emails they had exchanged, he slowly revealed his feelings.

T
he first time she spent an evening at his house when he had essentially kidnapped her—the first time they made out on his balcony and then later in his office—these were all memories of two people falling in love. The memory of the picnic he had arranged for her made her heart swell. Throughout their entire relationship, his feelings had only grown and he had proven himself trustworthy. He loved her, he truly loved her, and she had been too wrapped up in self-doubt and pity to accept his love. 

At a near sprint
, a shrub grazed her arm as she made a beeline for her car. Her favorite place to decompress and think while sipping on a refreshing mocha latte beverage was a quaint coffee shop located near Axel’s house. She would go there and clear her foggy head.

The coffee shop buzzed with people when she walked in.
She stood at the counter eyeing the menu and glancing at the tempting pastries on display. “I’ll take a medium-sized soy mocha latte.” She was nursing her self-inflicted wounds. “Add a slice of banana nut bread, please.”

The young man behind the counter rang up her order. “The bread just came out of the oven, so it’s nice and warm.” He smiled. “That’ll be eight dollars and fifty four cents,” he said, putting the bread onto a small plate and handing the latte to her.

She handed over her debit card. “Thanks.” Kerrigan shoved the card into her jacket pocket and then grabbed her plate and beverage. Her eyes scanned the café, searching for a quiet, private spot. A short woman carrying a laptop bag was leaving a table in the corner, near the front on the shop. The spot was perfect—out of the limelight, and she could make an easy escape when she was ready. She sank into the large leather chair, placed her plate onto the chair’s wide rectangular arm and sipped her coffee.

A group of obnoxious teens bolted through the doors laughing and making a loud raucous as they worked their way up to the register. Despite the distraction, a million thoughts raced through her mind as she people-watched and took bites of her warm delicious bread.
Things were moving so quickly with Axel that Kerrigan had become scared. He meant everything to her. Interrupted from her thoughts again, she eavesdropped on a young couple that sat at a table near her. The man was apologizing for something he had done. Maybe she could go to Axel and apologize. She hadn’t meant to hurt him.

From the way they stared at each other and how they touched, it was obvious that the young couple was in love. Was that how she and Axel looked to the rest of the world? She sipped her coffee.
For the first time, she felt hopeful despite their fight that their love could survive and that he was her Mr. Right. She was going to win his forgiveness and get her man back.

The deep thunder of a familiar voice snatched her attention away from the couple.
Nervous butterflies fluttered in Kerrigan’s stomach. Axel and a blonde walked into the coffee shop together, their backs facing her as they made their way to the counter. Who was the attractive woman with him? They stood in line chatting. They couldn’t see her, but she saw them. Her heart hammered, and her hands turned clammy. She listened carefully to their conversation, making sure she wasn’t overreacting. The woman’s voice was distinctively sophisticated, obviously someone he knew from his circle.
Don’t jump to conclusions. Listen to their conversation.
She told herself.

“I’m glad you’re here. Thank you for coming. I’m sorry it’s been so long. I’ve been preoccupied
—Kerrigan.” He said.

“I
understand. You’re ready to move on now. That’s great.” The woman responded as she reached for his hand. He didn’t pull away.

“This is going to sound harsh, but I’
m done with her. I got what I wanted. She’s history to me. I wouldn’t care if she dropped off the face of the earth. In fact, I wish that slut would disappear for good.” His tongue spewed venom.

“Axel, does that mean I’ll be seeing more o
f you?” Her voice hinted a smile.

He laughed and wrapped her in his arms. “
You’ll be seeing much more of me. I’ve missed you.”

She
had heard and seen enough. Kerrigan wanted to melt into her seat and die. Her stomach turned and knotted. She thought she might even vomit. A sheer force of will power kept her from bursting into tears. They walked closer to the counter, out of her earshot and out of sight. The first opportunity when their backs were still facing her, she leaped up and bolted for the exit. An elderly couple was almost victim to her stampede.

Outside, she ran down the sidewalk away from the shop’s large windows to her car.
Her hands trembled and chest heaved as she hyperventilated. She fumbled with the car keys and finally collapsed into the driver’s seat. Covering the steering wheel, she buried her tear-streaked face in the fold of her arms, and then sobbed loudly, uncontrollable. His words were etched in her memory and echoed in her head. She knew she could never face him again. He had used her, hurt her, and she was devastated. She knew this day would come and here it was.

Still lying awake in bed at eleven o’clock on Sunday morning after a sleepless night, all Axel could do was to think about Kerrigan. In general, he didn’t sleep well. She had become his solace. With the rift between them, his fits of restlessness returned, and they were magnified. He contemplated going to her apartment to talk, but decided against the thought.

He crawled out of bed, showered and dressed, and then headed for the garage.

Rob was already seated when he arrived at the restaurant.