Close Encounters of the Third-Grade Kind (33 page)

Everyone raised a hand.

“Okay,” I said with a nod. I set the crayon down and picked up the ink cartridge. I held it a few inches away from my face
to study it. Most of the label was scratched off. “Now, how can we figure out what
this
is?”

“It has writing on it,” Sarah pointed out.

I handed it to her. “What does it say?”

“It says
ink.
”

“So, what might this be?” I asked.

“An ink cartridge,” John volunteered.

“Maybe so,” I responded. “But what place would have an ink cartridge?”

“A school!” Melanie deduced.

“Is that
all
?” I asked.

Ideas sprang up around the table.

“An office!”

“A house!”

“A store!

“Aha!” I smiled. “Now you’re thinking.” I set down the cartridge. “If you’re right and there were children here, do you think
the building that was once here was a store or an office?”

“No,” several answered.

“Why?” I asked.

Stacy chimed in. “Because kids don’t go to offices.”

I prodded. “So we’re probably at… ” My voice went up as I stretched out the
a.

“A house or a school,” Trevor concluded.

“You’re narrowing it down.” I reached for a Styrofoam cup and examined it closely with a furrowed brow. “This looks interesting.
What do you think
this
was used for?”

“For holding something,” Robbie observed.

“Seems likely.” I sniffed the inside then handed it over to Jennifer. “What does this smell like to you?”

She took a whiff. “Coffee.”

“What does that tell you?” I asked.

“They drank coffee!” Kevin reasoned.

I turned to him. “The
children
drank coffee?”

“I have!” announced Christopher.

Laura sneered. “I hate coffee.”

“Coffee’s disgusting!” shouted Dylan.

“Whoa,” I said. “Let’s get back to our detective work.” I looked intently at the cup. “If there were kids here, do you think
they
drank coffee?”

Everyone answered “No” at the same time.

“Ah!” I said. “So, perhaps someone
else
was here besides the children.” I lowered my voice. “But who could
that
be?”

“Grown-ups,” said John.

“Teachers!” suggested Trevor.

I turned to him. “Why do you say that?”

“Because you can’t teach without your coffee.”

He got a laugh.

Finally, I picked up one of the lunch trays. “Now, what could this have been used for?”

“It definitely held something,” Brian contributed.

I scanned their faces. “Does everyone agree?”

“Yeah!” they answered.

“Some of it is stained,” Laura added.

“Good observation.” I pointed to its separate sections. “Do you think these held coffee, too?”

“No!” they chorused.

“Why?” I asked.

Kevin touched the tray. “The… the holders…”

I helped him out. “The
compartments
…”

“The compartments aren’t deep enough.”

“Good point,” I said. “You’re using your brain.” I studied the tray. “So what do you think this tray would have held?”

“Food!” Angela called out.

“But why would you need food at a school?” I asked.

“For lunch!” Melanie chimed in.

“Maybe it’s a lunch tray,” Dylan proposed. “Maybe the kids put their food in the different compartments.”

“Or the teachers,” said Laura.

I set down the tray. “Excellent thinking, everyone. You’re doing
exactly
what archaeologists do. You’re filling in the missing pieces of the puzzle. Well done! I’m proud of you.”

I surveyed the artifacts on the table one last time. “Well, we’ve eliminated the possibility that there was once an office
or a store on this site. We think there were both children and adults here.” I turned to Laura. “And maybe teachers.” I tapped
the tray. “We believe that this could have been used for lunch.” Then I leaned back in my chair, crossed my arms, and started
scratching my chin like Sherlock Holmes. “So… what can we conclude from all of this?”

Trevor slammed his hands on the table. “I know!” he exclaimed with a grin.

Everyone looked at him.

“What?” I asked.

“The teachers ate the kids for lunch!”

E
very spring, Mr. Bailey the PE teacher hands out physical fitness awards to the fifth graders — certificates for running and
jumping and things like that. We don’t give out physical fitness awards in third grade. But if we did, mine wouldn’t be like
Mr. Bailey’s. My PE awards would be like the Oscars. There is nothing like physical education to bring out the thespian in
kids. Following are the nominees for this year’s Academy Awards — including clips from their outstanding performances:

1. Chloe in
Field Magic

(
Mr. Done sets up brooms and balls on grass for broomball.
)

C
HLOE
: (
seeing all the equipment, speaks excitedly
) Mr. Done, are we playing Quidditch?

2. Rebecca in
Refreshment

(After walking in from PE, Rebecca pulls out a glue bottle that is half full, puts it up to her neck, and squeezes it until
a little puff of air comes out.)

M
R
. D
ONE
: (
stares with mouth open
) What are you doing?

R
EBECCA
: Cooling myself off. Want to try it?

M
R
. D
ONE
: No, thanks.

3. Gina in
The Note

G
INA
: (
holding note from mom
) Mr. Done, I can’t do PE today.

M
R
. D
ONE
: Why? What’s wrong?

G
INA
: (
looks down at note
) I don’t know. I can’t read my mom’s writing.

1. Brian in
Prepared

M
R
. D
ONE
: (
leading class in calisthenics
) And
why
is it important to stretch?

B
RIAN
: (
in the middle of a toe-touch
) So I can reach the mashed potatoes before my brother does.

2. Trevor in
Hanging On

T
REVOR
: (
struggling desperately to do one more pull-up
) I hope… my insurance… covers this.

3. Kevin in
Out of Shape

M
R
. D
ONE
: (
demonstrating sit-ups
) Does anyone know the name of the stomach muscles I’m working right now?

K
EVIN
: A six-pack. (
lifts up shirt, looks at stomach, and sees no six-pack
) Man, I need to get back to the gym!

4. Christopher in
Poor Sport

(Christopher stomps off after losing kickball game.)

M
R
. D
ONE
: Christopher, get over here.

C
HRISTOPHER
: (
walks back
) The teams were unfair!

M
R
. D
ONE
: The teams were not unfair. You’re sore because they won. Winning is fun, but it’s not the point. What counts is that you
tried and had a good time. Understand?

C
HRISTOPHER
: (
head down
) Yeah. (
raises head
) They cheated!

1. Stacy in
Excuses

S
TACY
: Mr. Done, I can’t do PE today.

M
R
. D
ONE
: Why?

S
TACY
: I got asthma.

M
R
. D
ONE
: I didn’t know you had asthma.

S
TACY
: I got it on the weekend.

2. Angela in
What’s in a Name?

M
R
. D
ONE
: Does anyone know what
PE
stands for?

M
ELANIE
: Play Everyday?

M
R
. D
ONE
: Not quite.

S
ARAH
: Play Everything?

M
R
. D
ONE
: Nope. It stands for Physical Education.

(Cut to later that day.)

A
NGELA
: (
breathing hard after soccer game
) Mr. Done, I know what PE
should
stand for.

M
R
. D
ONE
: What?

A
NGELA
: People
Exhausted
!

3. Laura in
We’re Off!

M
R
. D
ONE
: (
to Laura
) Did you get new shoes?

L
AURA
: (
smiles
) Yeah.

M
R
. D
ONE
: They’re nice lookin’.

L
AURA
: (
looks down and admires them
) They’re really fast.

1. Danny in
Dying

D
ANNY
: (
sweating after an intense Four Square match
) Mr. Done, can I get a drink?

M
R
. D
ONE
: In a minute. PE’s almost over.

D
ANNY
: (
feels under armpits
) I’m leaking.

2. Dylan in
Relays

M
R
. D
ONE
: Okay, everyone, put your toes on the line.

(Dylan stands an inch over it.)

M
R
. D
ONE
: (
pointing to Dylan’s feet
) Dylan, step back. Your toes are over the line.

D
YLAN
: These are new shoes. I haven’t grown into them yet.

3. David in
Tackle

D
AVID
: I want to be a backup quarterback for the NFL.

M
R
. D
ONE
: Why not a starting quarterback?

D
AVID
: They get hurt too much.

4. John in
The Bones

M
R
. D
ONE
: (
stops in the middle of singing “Dem Bones” with class and points to forearm
) Who remembers what this bone is called?

J
OHN
: (
raising hand
) The… the… (
shakes hand
) Wait… I know… the… the hilarious.

M
R
. D
ONE
: (
smiling
) Almost. It’s the
humerus.
You were close. (
points to his forearm
) Does anyone remember what these two bones are called? (
waits for response; no answer
) The first one starts with an
R.
(
kids continue staring at teacher; teacher helps them out
) Ra… Ra-di…

G
INA
: Radius!

M
R
. D
ONE
: Good. (
teacher points to his forearm again
) Now, who remembers the name of the second bone?

J
OHN
: (
shoots arm up
) UTERUS!

C
hristopher, is
quickly
an adjective or an adverb?” I asked.

He looked up to the ceiling and thought about it. Then he turned to the rest of the class and said, “Can I ask the studio
audience?”

Teachers and television share a common goal — keep the kids tuned in. But teachers have a more difficult time of it. We don’t
get to use special effects and background scores to keep our audiences listening. I do not look like Zac Efron.

“Why are you so tired?” I asked Trevor one morning as he plopped his head down on the desk.

“I was watching
American Idol,
” he mumbled, his head lodged in his elbow.

“American Idol?”
I exclaimed. “That’s over at
eleven o’clock
! Does your mom know you were up that late? You should be in bed!”

I can’t really blame the kids though. When I was Trevor’s age, I was just as bad. At nine years old I could identify the characters
on every kid’s lunchbox at school. I knew the television theme songs better than my times tables. I could recite the lineup
of every show on the three big networks:
Gilligan’s Island
followed
I Dream of Jeannie. Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom
preceded
The Wonderful World of Disney. The Partridge Family
came after
The Brady Bunch.
We ate dinner with
Mary Tyler Moore
and dessert with
Bob Newhart.
After
Carol Burnett —
time for bed.

One day I asked my students, “So, how many hours of TV do you watch a day?”

“One,” Jennifer answered.

“Two,” said Gina.

“Three!” Trevor announced, proudly.

I shot him a look. “You watch
three
hours a day?”

He smirked. “More on the weekends.”

I sat on the corner of my desk. “Boys and girls, how would you like to have no homework for a week?”

The room exploded. One night without homework is a big treat, two is super. A whole week off — unimaginable!

“You’re the best!” Danny declared.

I tapped the desk till they quieted down. “Now wait. Wait. I’m not just going to cancel homework for nothing. We’re going
to have a little contest.”

They all sat up.

“What do we have to do?” Angela called out.

“Well,” I began, “I challenge you to not watch TV for two solid weeks.”

Everyone started talking at once. Trevor grabbed his neck and fell on the floor.