Classics Mutilated (32 page)

MADRONA SEQUOIA

FRIEND, POKKYOLOGIST

What Hemlock wanted was a way to mutate into a Pokkypet himself. He was very, very uncomfortable being in his own skin, especially when it meant he was a Captor or Master of Pokkypets. He wanted to merge with the Pokkys ... become one of them, share in their alchemic process. Hemlock sensed a transformative power in them, and he wanted this for himself. When he was studying with me, we went through the triadic life cycle of the typical healthy Pokkypet, following its course in many, many creatures. When he first went out into the Pokky Range with the idea of studying and protecting the pets, you know, he placed himself in the habitat of the Pigletta. It was a good fit for him, since they are such friendly creatures, but his ulterior motive was to bond so closely with one that it would allow him to stay with it through all its transformations. Of course, everyone who adopts a Pigletta feels that theirs is special, and that they have a unique friendship ... but in Hemlock's case I think there is a real argument for this. After all, he had stopped collecting at that point; he never stunned his Pokkypet or trapped it even briefly in a Poachyball to subdue it. He made friends with it as if he were another of its kind, and in his second summer back there, he was witness to its first transition into Chickapork. I know how much Hemlock wanted to see the final change to Boarax ... which, sadly, took place in the autumn immediately after Surlymon, so he missed it. This, as I say, was a spiritual quest for him, and he welcomed its transformative intensity from the first, even though in the eyes of other Pokkypet Captors he immediately went from role model to traitor. This was when people started saying he was crazy, sending nasty letters, even making threats. This is when the Missile Kids stepped up their attacks on his character. It got harder and harder for me to bear, but Hemlock said to pay it no mind. It didn't bother him. The only thing that bothered him anymore was any sort of threat to his beloved Pokkypets.

VERNOR HERTZWIG

At the same time that Hemlock Pyne was alienating his former worshippers, he was winning for himself a new audience that would one day be captivated by his insights and his breathtaking cinematic records of his life among the Pokkypets ... a life that few have ever attempted, let alone accomplished.  Going through his films, I found him to have possessed an innate genius—not only for capturing Pokkypets, but for capturing moments of pure cinema. Here, we see Pyne in his early summer campsite, a spot he pitched between the dens of burrowing Chickaporks, so that he could live among the frolicking Piglettas.

HEMLOCK PYNE

This is Chickapork. My Chickapork. We're longtime buddies, aren't we, yes we are. Chickapork is my most beloved Pokkypet, and it's really important to understand that we are mutual friends. I do not own him. I did not capture him. I have never imprisoned him in a Poachyball. So you see, it is possible for us to have a harmonious relationship with these beautiful creatures without havinge to ... Hey! This ... this is Pigletta ... this is one of Chickapork's offspring or little sibs, I'm not sure exactly—hey, where are you going with my cap? Come back with that cap, Pigletta! That is a very important cap! That was a gift from Professor Manzanita! Oh ... oh god, oh no.... A lot depends on that cap, Pigletta! Get ... give me back my cap! WHERE'S MY FUCKING POKKYMASTER CAP?

PROFESSOR MANZANITA

POKKYPET EXPERT

In the field, it was obvious that he wanted nothing more than to be a Pokkypet. He would act just like them. The simple continual act of stating his identity with such clarity, this thing the Pokkypets do incessantly, Hemlock adopted this behavior. If you weant out to visit him in the field, or if you were an unsuspecting Captor who came across him, Hem would act as if human language and human behavior were completely unknown to him. He would just say his name at you, over and over, like a Pokkypet. His mantra, his act of affirmation: Hemlock. Hemlock. Hemlock. He saw the Pokky world as a rare and simplified place, everything streamlined and stripped down to this one act of self-naming. That world had a siren's allure for him. But that world ... simply did not exist. The truth was far more complex.

TAIGA MOSS

CURATOR, POKKY NATIONAL WILDERNESS MUSEUM

Well, I'm afraid although Hemlock Pyne might be a hero to some people, to us he seems simply deluded. Our relationship with the Pokkypets goes back tens of thousands of years, to when we believe the Pokkys and people shared this land. We treated each other with respect, and we have done so throughout our history. We created the original Poachyballs, and we captured and collected the first Pokkypets to be captured and collected. We held the first Pokky battles; those rituals are very ancient, the result of the relationship between man and Pokkypet. So there is a very long tradition of understanding between our people and the Pokky people. I would say that what Hemlock did was the ultimate disrespect. In living among the Pokky, in treating them as cute cartoon characters, he crossed a boundary and paid the price. The ultimate price. There is a reason he will not wake up, and honestly, we don't expect him to. I think a lot of people are in denial about the sort of trouble he caused for himself ... and really for all of us, because I don't know if it will stop with Hemlock. There has always been this barrier from time long past ... and he damaged it. Irretrievably. It's plain to see if you'll just look at him. Truly look at him for once. 

DR. JASPER CHRYSOLITE

POKKY CLINIC

We are here, in cold storage, at the Pokky Clinic, because quite simply this is the only place we have been able to arrest the very strange and terrible processes that have Hemlock Pyne in their grip. In those steel drawers behind me, if I were to open them, you would see Hemlock Pyne much as he was when they brought him in to me for revival. As you already know, I was unable to wake him, even with the finest waking compounds at my disposal. I say "much as he was" because Hemlock did not stay as he was in those first hours. The separate parts of him lost their normal color ... some began to swell, others to wither ... and there was a terrible odor associated with him, which I would rather not go into. Whatever this process is, some sort of Pokky contagion he caught from Surlymon or elsewhere in the Pokkymaze, I had a sort of hunch that extreme cold might arrest it. And so we arranged for some cold storage, which has indeed seemed to do the trick. We will of course keep trying to wake him as time permits, and if we can devise some other approach to his condition. We also have that Surlymon captive and under observation, in hopes of understanding better what happened ... but for all we can tell, it is simply a Surlymon like every other Surlymon. There is nothing special about it. Which makes us think that whatever strange thing happened to Hemlock Pyne, it was purely a result of his peculiar make-up, his particular situation. It behooves us therefore to try and understand Hemlock himself a little better. Really, what else can we do?

CRYSTAL BURL

Would I say I was his girlfriend? Why, yes, yes I would. I mean, not always, but ... but we were always friends. We founded Pokky People together. We were inseparable. We met when we were both working at Mistress Masham's in the Mall, and Hem was in charge of the Pokky performance. They had a little routine they did where the Pokkys would come out and dance on your table—I mean, various small Pokkys. Nothing large or unhygienic. All the food at Mistress Mashams was served under silver covers, and the Pokkypets would whisk these away with a big flourish. Hem would come out with a half dozen Poachyballs, open them up, and set the Pokkys going. I thought it was pathetic, and I told him so ... and he confided in me that he was only in there as a saboteur. I thought he was kidding, trying to impress me, but no ... one night right after we really got to talking, he went into his usual routine, but everything was different this time. He'd packed a bunch of wild Pokkys into the balls, and he let them loose in the middle of a little kid's birthday party. The Pokkys went crazy—eating up the food, tearing into presents, getting underfoot. And out of nowhere Hem kept producing more and more Poachyballs, opening them up, setting them free. He was laughing, we were both howling, and the more freaked out everybody got, the more delighted Hem was. It seemed to feed the Pokkys' frenzy. They were swinging from the light fixtures, smashing windows, breaking out into the streets ... oh, it was on the news that night and for days, and it was really the beginning of Hem's mystery ... because right after that he disappeared. I didn't see him myself for months and months. It turned out he had made his first visit to the Pokky Range.

VERNOR HERTZWIG

Alone in the wild, Hemlock began to craft his own legend—fashioning himself into a creature as strange and colorful as the Pokkypets he adored. Against a backdrop of untouched wilderness, he portrayed himself an uncivilized man, fearless and ferocious yet as sweet as the creatures he refused to capture. It was as if in liberating the Pokkypets wherever he found them, he was setting free some caged part of himself.

HEMLOCK PYNE

I used to just dabble in Pokkypets. I captured and trained them like everyone else. I saw nothing but what was right in front of me. I never looked any deeper. And I was troubled. Our world, the world of people, is so shallow ... it's just a thin coat of paint, right on the surface, and that's enough for most people. The Pokkys are colorful and cute and uncomplicated, and that's all they need to know. But this wasn't the truth, and without truth I just ... I wasn't making it. I needed the truth that was under all that. I did drugs. I drank. I lived a crazy, crazy life. Nobody knew me. I didn't know myself. I was drinking so much, doing so many drugs, it was destroying my mind. All the colors started to blur together. I couldn't tell Chickapork from Leomonk from Swirlet. It was like when you mix all the colors of paint together and you just get a grayish brownish gunk. And then one day a Flutterflute, I was drinking on the beach, out of my skull, and a Flutterflute landed on the bottle just as I was about to take a swallow. Who knows ... it might have been my last swallow. I might have drained that bottle and thrown it aside and walked out into the waves and that would have been the end. But I watched that Flutterflute there, getting in the way of my drink, and it looked at me and said, "Flutterflute!" That's all, that's what they do. So simple. Just that beautiful simple statement: "Flutterflute." And something in me ... I felt something emerge, as if from a chrysalis, bright and clear and strong, and I said, "Hemlock Pyne." Everything in my life was as simple as that. "Hemlock Pyne." That is what I was, and it was enough. It was deep. And what that meant was everything else was deep. Bottomless. And everything changed for me right then, right that very moment, saying myself back to that Flutterflute. I say it a lot now. It saves me every day: "Hemlock Pyne."

VERNOR HERTZWIG WITH CRYSTAL BURL

VH: Now please explain to the viewers, Crystal, what it is you have here.

CB: What I have here, Vernor, is Hemlock's last recording ... recovered from his campsite ... the recording of the Surlymon.

VH: Now I understand there is some uncertainty whether the recorder was running already or whether it was turned on during the Surlymon's attack, and if so whether it was Hemlock himself or the Surlymon that switched it on. But that doesn't really matter, does it? What matters is the contents of the tape, which you, I believe, have never listened to, is that correct?

CB: That is correct. Dr. Chrysolite said I had probably better not.

VH: Dr. Chrysolite is a wise man and you do well to listen to him, but his prohibition does not apply to me, so I am going to listen to the recording now. The lens cap was never removed during the battle, I am just going to listen to the recording if I have your permission to do so.

CB: I give it, yes.

VH: If you will, please, to start the ... there now, I hear wind, very loud, and something like a ripping sound ... perhaps the tent's zipper. Actually, yes, it sounds as if the Surlymon is coming in range. I can hear it quite clearly saying its name over and over again: Surlymon ... Surlymon.... And now clearly I hear Hemlock, much closer. Of course we know he had no Poachyballs, and no other Pokkys with him at the time. He is really alone against this creature. The Surlymon is saying again, "Surlymon. Surlymon." And occasionally just "Surly," as if it is too excited to say its full name.

CB: They do that sometimes when they're excited ... even add extra syllables....

VH: And now Pyne is ... he seems to have hit on a desperate strategy ... he is saying his own name several times to the creature. It is almost as if they are having a conversation, like so: Surly ... Surlymon ... and Hemlock says Hemlock. Hemlock Pyne. Hemlock. He's saying it again. And the Surlymon seems to be having none of it. Surlymon. Hemlock Pyne. Surlymon. Surlymon. Hemlock Pyne. Hemlock Pyne. Hemlock. Surlymon. And now a terrible, terrible sound. You ... you must never listen to this recording, Crystal.

CB: That's what Dr. Chrysolite recommended as well, Vernor.

VH: Hemlock Pyne. Hemlock Pyne. Hemlock ...  Surlymon. And now I hear nothing but Surlymon. You must destroy this tape, Crystal. I think that is the only course of action.

CB: I will, Vernor. I will.

VH: Surly. Surlymon. Surlymon. Surly.

HEMLOCK PYNE

We are here at the edge of the Pokkypet Arena, deep in the Pokkymaze. The Pokkys have never allowed me this close before, but I think it is a sign of their acceptance—a sign of how far I've come—that they are allowing me to set up my camera here overlooking the arena and film their battles in progress. Remember, these are entirely natural and unstaged ... these are not like the Coliseum battles that human captors arrange, which go against the will and the inherent nature of the Pokkypets. What you are seeing here is the source of humanity's watered-down commercially driven arena battles. This, my friends, is the real shit.

Now it looks like a Scanary is going into the arena, setting the first challenge.... Scanaries have three attacks: Wing Blast, Chirplosion, and Tauntalon. This is a fairly good combination unless your Pokkynemesis happens to have natural resistance to more than one of these. Let's keep our fingers crossed. And now ... it looks like ... yes, it's a Pyrovulp. Oh, this is going to be intense! Pyrovulps are extremely vulnerable to Tauntalon—extremely. But if the little guy can get past the Scanary's first attack, then things could get interesting. And it looks like ... Scanary is rearing back, puffing up a little bit ... just look at those gorgeous chest feathers ... could be Tauntalon coming in first.... But no! Wings going out, we've got a blast coming in, and Pyrovulp has got its head flame forward. This was a very bad move on Scanary's part, and I think it's going to regret.... Would you look at that! Wing Blast has fed Pyrovulp's headflame. The whole Pokky is on fire, just burning up ... this lets Pyrovulp bypass an entire part of its normal attack and go straight to Auraflame! The only risk, and I'm not sure he knows it, is that Auraflame can easily feed into Scanary's own ... oh my god oh my god.... Auraflame, incredibly powerful and hot, has triggered Scanary's innate Chirplosion. I am moving away from the Arena, friends, because when this happens, the blast can spread far outside the—WHOA!