Claiming Noah (41 page)

He picked up a cushion to demonstrate his point and then chucked it against the couch with distaste.

‘I really do care for you, you know,' he said, turning to her. Catriona couldn't stop herself from shuffling back a few inches on the couch. She felt small under the intensity of his stare. ‘I was always jealous of James when I saw the two of you together. You made him so happy. I wanted that, too. I thought I deserved it just as much as he did.'

Catriona knew she was meant to say that he did deserve that kind of life for himself, but she couldn't bring herself to. Instead she pressed her lips together and stared at a spot near his chin, not wanting to look away from him but not quite able to meet his eyes.

He let out a sigh. ‘So, I guess that's it for us then, is it? Unless there's anything else you want to get out in the open?'

Catriona hesitated, knowing this was the moment but not knowing the words to say to him. She let her gaze settle on the photo on the mantelpiece again. ‘No, that's it. That's all I wanted to say.'

He stood up. ‘I'll go pack my stuff.'

‘Where will you go?' Catriona called out to him when he was standing at the bottom of the stairs.

‘I'm done with Sydney,' Spencer said, his right hand resting on the banister. ‘An old friend of mine is starting up an import–export business in Brisbane and he's asked me to go in with him. I've been trying to work out how to bring it up with you, so this is good timing, really. He said he's making a fortune.'

‘Is it . . . you know?'

‘Is it legal?' Spencer laughed. ‘No, not entirely. But the profitable businesses never are.'

It took only fifteen minutes and three boxes for Spencer to pack all of his possessions into his car. When it came time to say goodbye, Catriona and Spencer faced each other at the front door, Spencer outside and Catriona inside.

‘Well, I guess this is it,' Spencer said, jangling his car keys in his hand.

Catriona chewed her lip, wrestling with the decision she knew she had to make before he left. Even though he had deceived her, if she didn't tell him the truth before he left then she was no better than him. But instead of coming straight out with it, she tried a different tactic.

‘Tell me the truth,' she said. ‘How would you have felt if I had been granted custody of Noah? Would you have been happy with that life – shacked up with a married woman and a toddler?'

He shook his head and she realised her instinct was right. ‘But I knew your chances were slim, so I figured there was no need to tell you that. Like I said to Jess when she told me she was pregnant, some guys just don't want to be fathers.'

Catriona took a moment to process his words. ‘You told me she broke up with you because you were too old for her.'

He shrugged, seeming unfazed by what he had just said. ‘I lied. When I told her to get rid of it, she got rid of me instead.'

‘You told her to . . . ' She couldn't finish the sentence.

Catriona stared at him, horrified by his revelation, and she knew she had done the right thing by ending it with him. She had seen in Spencer only the parts she had wanted to see, but now she knew what he was really like. James was right, Spencer wasn't the man she had thought he was.

She pressed a hand to her chest, feeling the thud of her heart under her palm, and looked at Spencer with as much courage as she could muster. ‘What would you have done if I had fallen pregnant? I mean, we never discussed . . .'

He didn't answer her, but he didn't have to.

Spencer took one last look at her and then turned around and walked down the steps from the veranda to his car. The frangipani tree in Catriona's front yard was in bloom again, its usually bare branches now dense with leathery green leaves and a glut of yellow-and-white flowers. Spencer kneeled down to pick up one of the fallen flowers from the ground as he passed the tree. He twirled it between his fingers as he opened the car door with his other hand and then he placed the flower on the dashboard of the car. She could see its yellow heart through the front windscreen.

Catriona stood in the doorway of her house, watching as Spencer's car reversed out of the driveway and drove up her street. Once the car was out of view Catriona closed the front door, turned around and walked down the hallway. Her hand drifted to her stomach as she felt a familiar flutter of activity inside her, the beginning of a brand new life.

L
ast year, when I was in Mr Jackson's year four class, he asked us to do a project about our ancestors. He said he wanted us to map our family tree back as far as we could, with dates of births, deaths and marriages.

Besides
Nonna
, Uncle Tom and Uncle Jerry I've never met any of my relatives, so I asked Mum to help me. We sat at the dining table and she started to tell me about her father, who died of cancer before I was born, and about Nonna's parents, who were born in Italy. But then she stopped halfway through her sentence and drew a big line across all the names I had just written down.

‘You're old enough to know the truth now, Noah,' she said to me as she stood up from the table. ‘I promised myself I'd tell you this once you turned ten, and I can't put it off any longer.'

It made me feel nervous the way she had said that, and the way she left the room as if she wasn't coming back. But she returned a couple of minutes later, holding a small black-and-white photograph. ‘This is you as a baby, when you were inside me,' she said, showing me the photo. I squinted at it, trying to see the outline of a baby, but it just looked like blurry white shapes on a black background.

‘I gave birth to you, and your father and I raised you as our son,' she said. ‘But you also have another family who gave you your genes.'

We learned about genes at school. Everyone has their own genes, something that makes you different to everyone else. But genes come from your mother and your father, so I didn't understand what Mum was talking about.

‘Your father and I desperately wanted to have kids,' Mum said. ‘But we couldn't, so we did the next best thing. We decided to adopt an embryo, which is what a baby is called when it's just been conceived. It's smaller than this,' she said, pointing at a mole on the back of her hand. ‘The doctor implanted the embryo into my womb so I could grow it into a baby. That baby was you.'

I tried to understand what Mum was telling me. I knew about adoption; a couple of my friends at school had been adopted. One of them, Zadie, was born in Sri Lanka. Her parents had flown over there to pick her up when she was only a few months old and had brought her back to Australia to live with them. She kept in contact with her Sri Lankan mother and sometimes she brought in the letters her mother sent her to show us.

Mum was watching me. Her eyes had gone really small, the way they always did when she was worried about something. ‘Does that make sense, Noah?' she asked me.

It didn't really, but I wanted to know more anyway. ‘So, if you and Dad didn't give me my genes, then who did?' I asked.

‘Aunty Catriona.'

‘Oh.' I was relieved. I'd thought she was going to say she didn't know.

Aunty Catriona is awesome. She's not really my aunty, just one of those people you call Aunty. Mum takes me to visit her sometimes, and she usually comes to watch my soccer games. I get mad, though, because she and Mum chat so much on the sidelines that they sometimes miss my goals.

‘And Uncle James too?' I asked.

‘Yes,' Mum said, although her expression went dark.

Mum has never told me that she doesn't like Uncle James, but it's obvious because she never speaks to him when she picks me up from their house. I didn't meet Uncle James until I was about six. Aunty Catriona introduced me to him when I came over to visit her one day, and he's been there every time after that.

‘Well, what about Leo, then?' I asked Mum. ‘Isn't he their son?'

‘He's Aunty Catriona's son,' Mum said. ‘And your half-brother.'

Leo is three years younger than me. He once told me that his middle name, Sebastian, is after his older brother who died when he was only a few months old. There's a big photograph of him hanging in Aunty Catriona and Uncle James's living room. If I squint I could swear it was a photo of me when I was a baby. We have the same eyes. So, I guess Sebastian was my brother too. That explains why we look so much alike.

I didn't want to say anything in front of Mum because she looked like she was about to cry, but I was pretty stoked to hear that Leo was my brother. We hang out a lot. Even though he's only little he's good at soccer and he doesn't complain if I'm a bit rough with him when we're mucking about.

In the end, Mum and I decided to draw two family trees: one for my adoptive family and one for my biological family. Mum helped with her side of the family, and then when I went to stay with Dad on the weekend he filled in the bits Mum didn't know about his family. He made me put his new wife on there, but I could tell Mum wasn't happy about that when I showed it to her. I don't mind Leigha, she's really pretty. I've seen her on the news; she's a reporter for one of the television stations. She always has brightly coloured nails that match her shoes.

Aunty Catriona helped me to fill out the family tree for the biological side of my family. I guess Mum must have told her about our conversation, because she didn't seem surprised when I asked for her help.

When we were finished she gave me the biggest hug, just out of nowhere. ‘I hope you know how much I love you, Noah,' she said.

I hugged her back and told her I loved her, too. She seemed happy with that.

I got an A+ for my family tree assignment and came first in the class. I wasn't surprised; it was hardly fair for the other kids. Nobody else has two families who love them.

Writing may be a lone vocation, but it takes a team of people to create a book.
Claiming Noah
is no exception; I owe a great deal of gratitude to those who have helped me along the way. These people include: Louise Wareham Leonard for your insightful feedback and encouragement in the early days of this book; Lyn Tranter and Sarah Minns from Australian Literary Management for your guidance, support and endless patience; Larissa Edwards, Roberta Ivers and the rest of the team at Simon & Schuster Australia for giving my book a home and treating it with such love; Claire de Medici and Belinda Castles for your brilliant editing; and to Shannon Morris, Jamilie Taouk and Anna Briggs for sharing your expertise and experiences with me.

Mostly, thank you to my incredibly supportive friends and family. Words can't describe how much I appreciate the encouragement you all gave me, and continue to give me. You all believed wholeheartedly in me, and in this book, even before you'd read a single word of it.

A final note

Among other things, this book deals with the subject of postnatal disorders. They are more common than people may realise and can be shocking in their severity. But fortunately there are some incredible organisations that have been set up to help families in this situation. If you, or someone you know, is suffering from a postnatal disorder I encourage you to contact the wonderful institutions PANDA (Post and Antenatal Depression Association) or Beyond Blue.

www.panda.org.au

www.beyondblue.org.au

1.
 Even after she met James, Catriona claimed she didn't want to have children. Why do you think she eventually changed her mind, and was it the right decision for her?

2.
 Catriona puts a lot of pressure on herself to be a good mother. Do you think this contributed to her difficulties with motherhood? Where do you think this pressure came from?

3.
 The rise in popularity of IVF has resulted in hundreds of thousands of excess embryos stored in cryogenic units around Australia. Like Catriona and James, the parents of these embryos have to decide at some point whether to donate the embryos to another couple, allow them to be used for scientific research, destroy them, or keep them frozen until they eventually become unviable. What would you do if you were faced with this decision?

4.
 One of the questions asked in
Claiming Noah
is what it means to be a mother. How would you define motherhood?

5.
 Catriona's postpartum psychosis reaches extreme levels before James realises that she has become a danger to herself and Sebastian. Do you think there is anything James or Catriona's doctor could have done to identify her illness sooner?

6.
 Do you think Spencer genuinely loved Catriona, or did he have other motivations for having a relationship with her?

7.
 Towards the end of the novel, Diana tells Catriona that she didn't stay with Liam solely so she could get custody of Noah. Do you believe her?

8.
 Do you agree with the judge's decision to grant sole custody to Diana and Liam?

9.
 After she is awarded custody of Noah, Diana offers an invitation to Catriona to remain part of Noah's life. Would you have done this if you were in her position?

10.
 The story of
Claiming Noah
spans four years, and in this time both Catriona and Diana experience a great deal of change in their lives. By the end of the novel, who do you think has grown more?