Cinnamon Toast and the End of the World (21 page)

Then he let me go and I was back to where I’d started. Facing a room
full of people – everybody waiting for me to say something. I could barely stand, holding on to Adam for balance.

‘You guys …’ I started, choking. ‘You guys are so nice.’

I couldn’t say anything more because I was breaking down in tears. I didn’t even know why. I pressed myself into Adam’s shoulder,
his arm around me keeping me steady. When I looked up, I saw some of the girls were getting teary-eyed as well.

Then a voice by the door behind us.

‘Hi, kids! Hate to interrupt, but has anybody seen my daughter?’

Mr Kovalenko ambled into the light. We all froze. An adult in the middle of this. It was like having water thrown in your
face when you were deep in a particularly involving dream.

‘She’s …’ I stammered, ‘she’s around, Mr Kovalenko.’

‘Well, you guys can help me find her. We’re all going home now.’ He looked around the small group of stunned faces. ‘Anyone
else here need a lift?’ Nobody answered. ‘Okay, then.’

Lana’s dad rolled down the hallway with his easy, sauntering gait. ‘Y’know, this isn’t half as bad as I thought. Should have
seen the parties I went to when I was a kid. This generation doesn’t have, I don’t know, the same spirit.’

Adam and I followed, so slowly we were lagging a good twenty feet behind. Near the end of the hall he was met by a small figure
– eyes dark with blurred make-up, pretty black princess dress hidden by an old grey cardigan.

‘
Tato
!’ she said and collapsed into her father’s arms. Mr Kovalenko looked over his shoulder at us, raising his eyebrows.

The elation of the past few minutes drained away. I was starting to feel like something squirming and hairless, a newborn
rat cowering at the end of the hall with another newborn rat. I hung on to Adam’s
elbow. We could talk about this later, I thought. How to make it up to her.

Adam shook his head. ‘I better go make my peace. Or I’ll have nowhere to sleep tonight.’

‘Oh.’ I hardly wanted to mention it, felt so stupid suddenly. ‘I thought you said you might want to, you know …’ Voice dying
in my throat. ‘Remember? My place?’

He wouldn’t meet my eyes, started spieling off excuses. Went on about his contact lenses, which were at the Kovalenkos’. His
Sandman
comics.

Something inside me was refusing to process this.

‘So you really have to go?’

No answer.

Adam turned and started off to the end of the hall where Lana and her dad were huddled together. I followed, numb with guilt.
But I had to face her sometime. And how else was I going to get home?

Lana broke away from her father, stood glaring at Adam as he paced towards her.

‘You piece of shit,’ she said. In a quiet, controlled voice, her hands in fists. ‘You worthless, lying fuckhole. Parading
me around your school, making sure everybody saw us together. What a joke.’

‘I know,’ he said. ‘I know, Lana.’

‘And you let me think it was my fault. Remember? At your place, when I was crying all afternoon because I could tell you didn’t
want me? Remember what you said?’

‘Oh, God. Yeah. I remember. I’m a total asshole …’

They were standing very close now. She smiled coldly. ‘“Maybe if you lost some weight.” That’s what you said to me.’ Lana
started to laugh. ‘Yeah! If I lost some weight and grew a dick! Isn’t that right?’

‘I don’t get this.’ Mr Kovalenko had edged a few feet away and was whispering to me. I just shrugged.

Then Lana started pounding on Adam, cursing and telling him how much she hated him, every word accented with a thumping blow.
They were staggering back down the hall towards the rec room. I couldn’t watch, got in between the two of them and grabbed
her arm.

She slammed me against the wall. ‘You!’ she said. Was she going to start walloping me next? Shit. I couldn’t hit back. She
was a girl. Besides, she’d probably kick my ass. And I deserved it.

But what happened was worse. My friend broke down in painful sobs, said she never wanted to see me again.

‘Aw, Lana, no,’ I said. ‘Don’t talk like that. I’m sorry. I was a selfish jerk, I know, but just let me tell you my side of
this …’

She wrapped her arms around her father’s shoulders, told him it was time to go. There was no need to drive me home, she said.
I was catching a ride with somebody else, someone I hadn’t treated like garbage. I realised the hallway was empty except for
the three of us. Adam had probably left a couple of minutes ago.

‘Lana, please just listen.’ I followed along, tried to get her to look at me. We were at the stairs and Mr Kovalenko was rubbing
his head and mumbling something in Ukrainian.

‘
Tse kinets’ svitu
,’ he said. Then they were gone.

I felt heavy, drowned. Turned around, staring at the doorway down the end of the hall. The crazy scene in the rec room was
like something I’d seen on TV, broadcast from another planet. I had no idea what to do or where I was supposed to go now.

Somebody touched me on the shoulder. Adam.

‘You came back!’ I said. ‘Listen, I don’t know how we’re gonna get to my place, but …’

‘Um … Kind of need my jacket? Sorry.’

‘Right, right.’ I was still wearing his stupid jacket. It was soaked with beer, didn’t smell too great. But I guess he thought
it was worth running back for.

‘You can keep the T-shirt if you want.’ He still couldn’t look me in the eye. ‘Listen, you’re gonna be okay, huh? I feel bad
leaving you stuck here with all those rednecks.’

‘They’re not rednecks. These are my friends.’ I handed over the damp black mass of fabric. ‘Here’s your jacket.’

Adam stood twisting the jacket in his hands, seemed on the verge of telling me something important. Then he kissed me on the
forehead. ‘Bye, Stephen!’ He took off up the stairs.

‘Adam, wait!’

But then I had no idea what I wanted to say. I hovered at the foot of the steps, feeling helpless and stupid, then came out
with, ‘You’re gonna call me, right?’

‘Sure. Absolutely.’

I wanted to laugh. ‘You don’t have my number.’

‘I’ll get it off Lana.’ He turned away.

That was it. Up the stairs, out the front door. Gone.

And all I got was this lousy T-shirt.

I wandered outside. I’d pretty well given up on getting home – think I was just looking for a quiet place to pass out. This
guy Jason Brent walked by, one of Mark’s new friends. Chucked a lit cigarette at my face and called me a faggot. I wasn’t
sure how to react. So I ignored him, kept going. Where? I wasn’t sure.

The lake. I could see the bonfire a hundred feet away, looking more like a handful of charred sticks by now. A couple of caveman
shapes were still hunched in front of it. Have fun, assholes.

I took a seat on a bumpy, stubbled rock that scratched at my jeans. The sky was magnificent. We were deep in the countryside,
and it seemed like there were more stars than dark.

Images, faces, pop songs, a moment in the hayloft. All buzzing through me. Some of it made me so happy, elated, and at the
same time full of strange little flickers of sadness and fear. Tomorrow I was going to hurt, and not just from the hangover
that was waiting. But I was also pretty sure that I’d still be there, that I’d be okay.

The breeze off the lake. The stars. This crazy, incredible night. I remembered when I’d been at the river making lists – razors,
pills, ropes, rigging up a car to feed me carbon monoxide. I’d actually wanted to be dead. It seemed so strange now.

How could I have thought about killing myself, even for one second? I would have missed all this.

Just hold on to it, I told myself. It’s such an easy thing to forget.

I woke up suddenly. I was shivering.

It was June, but deep into the night, with a wind off the lake. I only had Adam’s black T-shirt on over my jeans, and that
was mostly soaked with beer. I looked back towards the house. Every window was still screaming with light. Had to find somebody
with a car and get home.

I pulled myself up and started shambling back to the party. There was dew on the grass already; when I walked I made trails
I could see from the porch light, like a slug. Other kids were milling around me – zombies looking for a grave to rest in.
The air was dense and clammy.

An elf was trundling along with a load of pumpkins in a wheelbarrow.

I looked closer. No, of course it wasn’t an elf. It was a girl, tiny and slender. And she had a wheelbarrow, but it wasn’t
full of pumpkins. It was full of Stacey, wrapped in somebody’s orange hunting jacket. Her head was hanging off the edge of
the barrow as she bumped and lurched along. The elf girl was smiling.

‘Hey, Stephen!’

Did I know her? Yes. I suppose I did. My birthday last year. At the end of the night we’d met up with two girls. This one
had been my girl. Tina from Arnottville. Lots of bushy brown hair, wide blue eyes and a sweet smile, some kind of permanent
acne condition. She’d liked me. Maybe she still did.

She stopped the wheelbarrow to wait. When I got closer, I realised Stacey wasn’t out cold after all, or maybe she was one
of those people who could smoke in her sleep.

‘She’s kind of fucked up,’ Tina said cheerfully.

Stacey kept her eyes closed, growled something about how her boyfriend just banged some slut practically right in front of
her, so what were we expecting?

‘Aw, come on, Stace.’ I tried to sound convincing. ‘Mark wouldn’t do that. I’m sure this is some kind of misunderstanding.’

‘Misunderstanding. Right. You’ll say anything he wants.’ Her eyes were open now, and she’d lifted her head for a better look
at me. ‘You’ll do anything he wants. I been watching you. The two of you.’

I started feeling a bit nervous, asked Tina if they’d been anywhere near the rec room in the past while. But no. Stacey had
been busy puking up and having crying fits, and Tina had been busy taking care of her.

They didn’t know a thing
.

We stood around awkwardly for a moment. Then I remembered my manners and offered to push the wheelbarrow.

‘Aw, that’s real nice!’ Tina was beaming at me. ‘Careful over bumps, huh? Gonna take her to my truck.’

Tina’s truck was a monster blue pickup, hulking in the driveway next to the garage. She said she’d been waiting for all the
other cars blocking her to drive off so she could leave. Told me she’d take me back to my place – just as soon as we got Stacey
home safe.

The truck was coated with a thick layer of road dust. I played a quick game of tic-tac-toe against myself on the side door
while Tina tried to explain to Stacey that she had to stand up now, that it was time to go home. In the end, we were forced
to lift and load her ourselves. Stacey was not exactly co-operative – she kept accusing me of trying to grab her tit – but
eventually we were able to haul this heavy body into the cab of the truck and get a seatbelt strapped over her. She lolled
against the dashboard muttering a steady stream of curses.

I climbed into the cab of the pickup between the two girls and Tina gunned the motor. We roared off into the dark.

Stacey’s place was down a long dirt road on the outskirts of Arnottville, a red wooden farmhouse with sharp corners and narrow
windows. A light was on in the kitchen. We were waiting for it to go out.

‘He’ll kill her,’ Tina had explained to me. ‘Stacey’s dad. If he sees her coming in this late, all liquored up.’ Tina’s plan
was to sit in the truck until the light went out, and then she’d sneak Stacey up to her room. So we sat, the three of us,
cold and bored and waiting. I concentrated on that light in the window for so long that I could still see it when I closed
my eyes. Sometimes I’d fall asleep without knowing and my dreams were mixed up with that endless dirt road, that red shingled
house that seemed to be looking back at us.

Stacey was sprawled over most of the pickup cab, with her head against the window and her feet jutting to the accelerator.
She was breathing deep and rhythmically, a soft buzz of a snore. I was nestled by the steering wheel with little Tina. Tina
told me she remembered meeting up last summer on my birthday, that she’d seen me around since, thought I was real sweet.

‘You know what?’ she said. ‘I never met anybody like you, Stephen.’

Then Tina stretched herself up, pulled my neck down, and kissed me.

We started making out – I had no idea what I was doing, but she didn’t seem to mind. I suppose I was curious. After all, I’d
been trying to train my imagination to go in this direction for years. And maybe, I thought, there was a chance I was bi.
Wouldn’t that be great?
Like Bowie
.

But at the same time I wasn’t comfortable with it all. So at first I tried to keep things above the neck. That didn’t last
too long. Then I decided I’d settle for above the waist, which didn’t really work either. In fact it hardly mattered what
I did. This was one determined girl.

‘I don’t know, Tina,’ I said, when it was clear to me what was going to happen. ‘Stacey’s right there.’

‘She won’t wake up.’ And I still must have seemed kind of unenthusiastic because she asked me what the matter was.

‘I guess I’m nervous.’

‘Aw, it’s your first time!’

‘No, I’ve been nervous lots of times.’

She thought this was the funniest thing she’d ever heard. Didn’t have the heart to tell her I’d stolen it from
Airplane!

Tina said I had no reason to be worried, that she’d done this with a million guys and it was no big deal.

‘Yeah,’ said a voice beside us. ‘Just remember you gotta move it in and out.’ The shape that was Stacey stirred, gave a low,
rasping chuckle.

‘Oh, jeez, Stacey!’ I tried to fix myself up so she wouldn’t see anything.

Tina was mad too. ‘You shoulda told us you was awake!’

‘Didn’t want to ruin the moment.’ Stacey smirked at us. ‘Good to know you’re not some kind of queer, Stephen. I was never
sure.’

Tina clambered over my knees and walloped her. ‘Hey, you know, that’s totally rude!’

A violent argument began. By some miracle I found myself drifting off to sleep, the girls’ voices fading as I slumped against
the door by the driver’s side, my head fusing itself to the cold window.

When I opened my eyes, I was alone. I had a scary moment when I wasn’t sure where I was. Then Tina was opening the truck door.
Mission accomplished, she said. Stacey was safe in her bed.

Night air in my face. The house was a silent blank, the light gone. I slid over to the passenger side and Tina drove us to
Riverside. She kept looking at me and smiling, like we had a secret together, which I suppose we did.

We got to the outskirts of town and I asked her to stop and let me out. Didn’t want that truck driving up to my house in the
dead of night and waking my mother. I opened the creaking door on the passenger side. Tina sidled over, put her small, cold
hand on the back of my neck.

‘I really like you.’

I kissed her on the forehead so I wouldn’t have to say anything.

She smiled. ‘You’ll call me, right?’

‘Sure. Absolutely.’ I got out of the truck, slammed the door. ‘I can get your number from Mark. He can get it from Stacey.’

Tina gave me that secret smile again, pressed her little foot to the accelerator, and then she was gone.

Even though I was exhausted, I found myself taking the long way back to my house. Too much had happened. I had to walk it
out, be alone for a while.

Past the town hall, back of the high school, edge of the graveyard. I seemed to be heading for the usual spot: the drop-off
over the river. Our place, Mark’s and mine.

Then I was there. Pine needles thick on the ground. The river below, moving slow and grey.

Mark.

I stopped short, stood very still. No, I wasn’t imagining it. His head was nestled in the roots of a pine, a bottle of beer
beside him.

His body. His face. Eyes closed. Eyes opening. I shivered with a brief flush of everything at once: love and wanting and sadness
and guilt. I felt like I’d cheated on him.

‘You look wrecked,’ Mark told me.

‘Very good, retardo.’ It was something we used to say when we were kids. Made me laugh. I sat heavily and felt my head hit
the ground before I knew I was falling. He was lying beside me.

Mark asked about the party – he’d left early with Pam. So he’d been miles away from that rec room. Relief made me dizzy, but
I kept it out of my voice and continued talking, telling him nothing special had happened, going into the story of the drive
home with Tina and Stacey, how we had to sneak Stacey into her house.

‘Her dad. Yeah, I forgot.’ He sounded guilty.

I couldn’t think of anything to say to this, so I told him about making out with Tina in the truck. Thought it was something
he’d want to know.

Mark laughed. He was sitting up now. ‘No way! You finally got a girlfriend.’

‘She’s not my girlfriend.’ I pulled myself upright, sitting beside him.

‘No, but she’ll probably fuck you.’

‘I’ll get it on video since you’re so interested.’

‘Ew.’

Mark made me promise I’d at least ask Tina out again. I asked him where I should take her, if I should bother going to a movie
or whether
we could just drive around. I realised I’d never actually taken a girl out before, and that I was only considering doing this
because of him.

‘So, any advice for me?’ I said. ‘
Sensei
?’

He shook his head, serious and tired. ‘I got nothing to say to anybody, Stephen.’

‘Shut up. You’re the best person I know.’

‘Stupid kid.’ He ran his knuckles over my head.

We didn’t say much for a while. The night was gone and the light was pale and unreal – a strange, in-between feeling, like
we were in another world.

‘Almost over, huh?’ Mark’s voice sounded softer, as if he were alone.

‘You mean high school? I know. Isn’t it great? I’m really …’ I stopped. Couldn’t say out loud that I was happy. I was afraid
of jinxing it.

There were weeds by the edge of the drop-off, wildflowers. You could see them more clearly with each passing minute. Alien-headed
clover, dandelions, a daisy leaning drunkenly. Mark frowned into the river.

‘Guess it’s different for you,’ he said. ‘You’re gonna get out of here. That’s kind of the reason I stopped hanging around
so much. We’re going in different directions, right? Time to let you be with the smart kids for a change.’

‘Is that it? Jeez, I thought you just couldn’t stand me all of a sudden.’

‘Been in my face almost ten years. Think if I suddenly decided I couldn’t stand you, it would’ve happened before now, huh?’

I smiled, picked up an old pinecone and rolled it along the ground. It looked dried and skeletal, seed pods like teeth in
an animal’s skull reaching out.

‘Think I was kind of ashamed of myself too,’ Mark said. ‘That day at the town hall. When those guys were all calling you names.
Shoulda stood up for you.’

‘Don’t worry about it.’ Why should he? It was a thousand years ago.

‘No, I was acting like a dick. Just got really tired. You know? Always defending you when you won’t do anything yourself.
And part of me was thinking:
Well, at least these assholes are gonna be around next year. Stephen’s gone
.’

‘Not yet.’

‘Hey, listen. Can I tell some of my friends? About you and Tina?’

I asked him why he’d want to do something like that.

‘Cause people say shit about you, man.’ Mark dug his fingers into the ground. ‘Okay, not everybody. Just a few guys I hang
out with. They … they think you don’t like girls or something.’ He mumbled this at the pine needles. ‘Listen, I don’t know
where they’d get that crap. Maybe it’s cause you’re not into sports, or you’re shy—’

‘Or because I’m gay.’

Mark choked, sat up stiffly and stared at me.

Then I grinned, and I could see relief washing over him. ‘Aw, don’t even joke about that!’ Laughing. Was it just my imagination
or did this sound forced? ‘Jeez, thank God I never met one. Think I’d puke right up looking at him.
It
.’

‘Wouldn’t want you to do that.’

I’d heard him say stuff like this before. I don’t know why I felt like he’d just leaned over and slapped me. Slapped me awake.

I dragged myself to my feet, using a branch for leverage, and held out my hand to him. He took it. We were exhausted, swaying.
He slumped against me. We staggered home as the sun travelled upwards.

The in-between light was gone. We were on the wrong side of a new day.