Cigarettes and Alcohol: Confessions of a Stag Weekend (8 page)

PART
TWO: EDINBURGH

Chapter
Thirteen: Dead Rabbits and Cock Crazed Hens!

Two things pop into my head as I slowly wake up. Firstly how did we survive that crazy Friday night and secondly why is there someone with a pneumatic drill in my head?

My
bonce is splitting and as I check my watch I realise it’s now late morning on Saturday. Was I really tied up and manhandled by a hooker in front of all my best friend’s just hours before? No that was last month over in Amsterdam. We are somewhere else today – Scotland, I’m sure of that.

There
are fourteen of us just waking up in a guest house in Edinburgh. We’ve taken over the whole of the place, all five rooms of it. A small family run place, it’s cheap and cheerful but located in the centre of town. Right in the thick of all the action, exactly where a load of rampant stags want to be. The place is nicely done out with lots of potted plants in the hallways and is smartly decorated. Far too nice a place for us bunch of reprobates.

After
all the legends of the last trip have gone round the local it was easy to get the same recruits for this do up in sunny Scotland. This time around it is me heading down the aisle to certain wedded doom, so it’s the usual drill of flight, fooling around, drinking, drug taking and smoking for the weekend.

We
got in from a night on the beer just a few hours ago but all agreed to meet up at twelve noon for breakfast and get ready to get on the sauce again.

At
reception the owner apologises but says we’d missed breakies by yonks. He did knock on all our doors but got no response apart from a mouthful of abuse from one of the rooms. He’s now serving up lunch so offers us all haggis, tatties and neeps. Thanks but no thanks, we need deep fried stodge to sort out our minging hangovers. There’s nothing better than grease encrusted eggs, sausages, chips, bacon, beans, toast, a Nancy Drew (Brew) and more chips to soothe your grumbling guts after a skin full of ale.

The
guy suggests visiting some dodgy pub along The Grassmarket as they do a superb all day breakfast with an amazing black pudding. To me, black pudding is the devils work but I keep quiet. He gives us directions to the battle cruiser (boozer). It’s about a five minute walk away, so we head straight down there.

Some
of the geezers look remarkably well considering they’ve had a very heavy day out yesterday. It’s almost like they have got a fresh identical twin they have sent out in their place today, while they lie down in a darkened room feeling as rough as a badger’s arse.

Others
look a right mess with yellow-looking sweaty skin, big black bags under their bloodshot eyes and their breath smells terrible, like they’ve been necking turds all night.

Still
it is nothing a fry up and a pint will not cure. In fact just chuck the cooked breakfast and beer into a big old blender to make the perfect hangover solving soup. Get that down your screech fella, you’ll be fine in five minutes!

We
rock up to the drinker which is in the shadow of Edinburgh Castle. It’s a massive place with wooden floors, big tables and comfy looking sofas. The pub has pool tables, fruit machines and a top shelf packed with more varieties of gold watch (scotch) than you can shake a shitty stick at. Single malt, double malt, aged for 15 years, 25 years and on & on it goes. We will be tucking into that lot pretty soon me thinks.

We
order up fourteen full house breakfasts with pints of lager as chasers, then we move some tables about so we can all sit down and get tucked in. As we are waiting for our breakfast remedy Kid F tells us the following story:

“
Gentlemen
I
promised
you
a
classic
tale
and
so
here
it
is.
As
you
all
know
I
recently
moved
in
with
my
girlfriend
who
has
a
little
terrier
dog
.
Next
door
are
a
nice
family
with
this
little
girl
who’s
about
five
years
old
who
has
a
rabbit
in
a
hutch
at
the
end
of
the
garden
.
She
is
always
out
there
playing
and
cuddling
this
little
grey
rabbit
and
I must
admit
it
is
kind
of
cute
.

Anyway
last
Saturday
evening
,
disaster
strikes
:
our
dog
wanders
into
the
kitchen
carrying
this
rabbit
.
It’s
well
mangled
up
covered
in
blood
and
dirt
and
is
very
definitely
an
ex
-
rabbit
.

The
dogs
only
been
next
door
and
offed
this
much
loved
pet
rabbit
.
The
poor
wee
girl
is
going
to
be
absolutely
heartbroken
but
I
can’t
go
round
next
door
carrying
their
dead
rabbit
that
our
dog
has
killed
.
The
dad
is
a
big
old
lump
and
doesn’t
look
the
reasonable
type
.
I
somehow
doubt
he’s
going
to
see
the
funny
side
.

So
I
decide
to
wait
until
it
was
well
late
and
climb
over
next
door
under
cover
of
darkness
,
to
place
the
dead
bunny
back
in
the
hutch
.
I
leave
the
door
slightly
open
so
hopefully
the
local
fox
population
will
get
the
blame
.
I
gave
him
a
bit
of
a
clean
-
up
first
as
the
rabbit
was
filthy
and
covered
in
dirt
.
Job
done
!
P
of
A
(
Plan
of
Action
)
sorted
.

The
next
morning
the
sun
is
out
so
the
Mrs
&
I
are
sitting
having
a
very
pleasant
breakfast
in
the
back
garden
.
We
hear
the
back
door
of
the
neighbour’s
house
open
and
the
little
girl
comes
out
to
play
.
We’re
holding
our
breath
as
we
know
what’s
going
to
happen
next
.

Sure
enough
there’s
a
huge
scream
and
a
big
flood
of
waterworks
.
The
dad
comes
flying
out
the
house
to
see
what
the
emergency
is
and
why
his
daughter
is
sobbing
her
heart
out
.
We
can
hear
all
sorts
of
commotion
going
on
.

Nervously
I
poke
my
head
over
the
fence
and
ask
if
everything
is
OK
.
The
fella
has
a
face
like
thunder
and
tells
me
that
his
kid’s
rabbit
died
last
week
and
they
buried
it
in
the
back
garden
.
Now
some
evil
fucker
has
dug
it
back
up
again
and
placed
it
back
in
the
hutch
.

‘
There’s
a
load
of
sick
bastards
out
there’
he’s
telling
me
, ‘
if
I
catch
him
I’m
going
to
tear
his
head
off
and
shit
down
his
neck
for
upsetting
my
daughter
like
this’
.
To
say
he
is
unhappy
is
the
understatement
of
the
year
.

‘
I’ll
keep
an
eye
out
for
you,’
I
promise
the
bloke
.
It
is
difficult
for
me
to
keep
a
straight
face
so
I
make
my
excuses
and
leave
.
There’s
no
way
he’s
going
to
believe
a
fox
killed
that
rabbit
now
.”