Christmas on Crack (17 page)

Okay,
thanks, Rachel. So, in case you’re just joining us, there have been explosions
throughout the city. Police and other emergency personnel are responding to the
situation. We are unsure if this is the work of terrorists, or if it is linked to
the worldwide Christmas Crab phenomenon, or who is behind that.

Skipp
changed the channel.

No one
knows, Dianne. Did you get crabs? Sure you did. We all did. And how many of you
have added water?
Well,
we’ve got a pool
here, and about a hundred of those crabs that we gathered from audience members
and our crew, and we’re going to
—

Staci
asked, “What the hell, Dad?”

“I
don’t know, Stac.”

The
family watched the news. Car alarms still blared outside. Smoke billowed on the
TV.

Rudy
said, “I’ll be right back.”

He
went upstairs to his bedroom and checked his email. There was a message from
Andy.

Olen, I’m sorry to be the
one to tell you that you’re not getting that big bonus. Elise told me at the office
Xmas party that she was the one who actually crunched all the numbers and
lines for the
Wilson
and
Wilson
report. I believe her, too. She took
me back to her place to go over her data and stuff. I sent the report to the
Big Guys with her name on it. Sorry, Rudy. Guess you’ll be stickin around town
for all that time off And you can kiss your promotion goodbye. I guess that
means I’ll still be your boss when you get back. I’ve got to go meet Elise and
give her the gift I picked up for her yesterday. She certainly deserves it,
after all she’s done. Adios, pardner.
—
Andy.

“What?!”
Rudy read it again. “Fucking Elise? Fucking Elise? He’s fucking Elise!”

“Rudy?”
Rainey called from the bathtub.

“Damnit,”
he said. “Damnit. Fucking Elise. That lying bitch! That. That. That.”

“Rudy?”

Rudy
panicked. How could he tell Rainey that he’d spent all the landscaping and pool
money on half the cost of an around-the-world cruise that the family would not
be taking? They wouldn’t let them on the ship if they didn’t have the money. Of
course, he could write a check and hope it didn’t bounce until they were too
far out to sea to do anything about it. They could at least get half a cruise.

Maybe
more if he stretched it out. And would the cruise line really kick the whole
family off the ship? His huge Christmas surprise could
not
turn into another disaster. It had to
work out. Had to.

In
his panic, he wrongfully decided it might be a good idea to slip into the bath with
Rainey, maybe rub her shoulders or wash her hair and break the news to her gently.
He would need her in on it if they were going to pull it off. Rudy thought she
was probably worried about the booming sounds. He figured he could slip the bad
news in with sexiness and the info about the explosions.

Rudy
unbuttoned his jeans and made his way to the bathroom. He tripped over his
pants while trying to slip off his shoes and fell into a potted plant, which he
knocked over on top of himself.

“Rudy?”

Wanting
to somehow keep himself a surprise, Rudy didn’t answer her. He kicked at his
pants, shaking potting soil around the room. His shoe flipped off and smacked
into the wall. He accidentally righted the plant.

“Rudy?”
There were splashing sounds from the tub.

Rudy
twisted his pants off and hopped to his feet. He dropped his underwear and
crept to the bathroom door, pulling at his left sock with his right toes as he
slowly turned the knob.

“Rudy?!”
Rainey sounded frightened.

He
wiped sweat from his face, deciding to come clean. “Yes. It’s me.”

“Can
you come in here?” she asked.

“Uh.
Yeah. I was gonna.” He opened the door.

Rainey
stood on the toilet, barely wrapped in a towel. There was a red and pink crab
the size of a medium dog in the bathtub. It was snapping its pincers and
skittering back and forth in the tub.

“What
the hell?” Rudy asked.

The
crab stopped skittering and leaned toward Rudy. It shuddered. It began to
shake. A high-pitched squeal came from the tub, and the crab grew. Its
eyestalks unfurled from atop the crab’s body. Its eyes opened. It stopped
moving.

“What
is this?” Rudy said.

The
crab flexed its claws. It gathered its legs under itself, like it was going to
jump.

“Rudy!”
Rainey shrieked. She held out her hands.

Rudy
grabbed them and pulled her toward him.

The
crab snapped a claw at Rainey as she flew past the tub. It caught her towel and
shredded it as the couple tumbled out of the bathroom door, landing in a naked
heap. The big crab sprang out of the tub and Rudy slammed the door shut with
his foot.

“What
the fuck?!” he screamed.

Rainey
looked over at her husband. She said, “I took one of the crabs into the bath
with me. You know, added water.”

The
crab charged the bathroom door, thudding against it in a clatter.

Rudy
jumped up. “Grab clothes!” Snatching up his own, he ran for the stairs yelling,
“Don’t add water! Don’t add water!”

Downstairs
everyone was watching the news again. Rudy barreled into the room screaming,
pulling on his pants and falling on his face. He got up to find no one looking
at him.

Staci
said, “Don’t worry, Dad. No one’s adding water.” She pointed at the screen and
Rudy heard what the newscaster was saying.

Again,
do NOT add water. The crabs come alive, and grow. They are eating people. Do
NOT add water. We don’t
know
where they came from, or how this is happening
,
but keep the crabs away from water.
Keep
them out of the snow.
Stay
away from the ones that have come
to
life.
We
are being told that they grow quickly,
to about the size of a typical loveseat. They are very dangerous. They are
killing and eating people all over the world. We have reports of the crabs
amassing and——hold on a moment please.

The
woman on TV put her hand to her ear, listening.

She
continued,
I’ve
just been informed that once the crabs reach full growth, they seem to be
sprout
laser
guns from one of their claws.
Yes,
laser guns. They are rampaging
across cities everywhere, and apparently now shooting people with lasers.

Rainey
showed up.

“Mom!
What’s going on?” Staci hugged her.

“We’ve
got to get that crab out of here,” Rudy said.

There
were shouts of, “Crab?!” and “What crab?”

Rainey
grabbed her husband by the shoulders.
“We’ve
got to get out of here!”

“No
way!” Rudy ran to the door, barring it with outstretched arms.

Skipp
asked, “Dad, what the hell?”

An
explosion boomed outside the house, bits of things pattered against the walls
and windows. There were screams. The car alarms stopped.

“We
are not letting some stupid crabs ruin Christmas!” He shook it off and settled
down. Calmly, he said, “It’s nearly time for dinner. Now, your mother worked
very hard on cooking a ham and turkey, and they’ll be done soon, right, Babe?”
He looked to Rainey.

“What?
Uh. Yeah. I guess. I mean, I put ‘em in at seven. So. Couple hours.”

“So
we’re gonna get that crab out of here and we’re going to eat our Christmas
dinner in,” he checked his watch, “about two hours. Right?”

Rainey
shrugged and went to her husband, taking his hands in hers. “Sure, okay.”

“Okay.”
He went to the fireplace and grabbed a poker. “Skipp, get the swords from the
den and come with me and your grandpas to fight the crab in the bathroom. Everyone
else, maybe warm up some more cocoa. Or help Rainey with the cooking. I want to
smell some pumpkin spice or apple pie!” Rudy charged up the stairs with Skipp
and the old men in tow.

“I
should call home,” Belinda said.

“So did
this thing have a laser?” Hector asked outside the bathroom door. He hefted one
of the swords and coughed.

“No.
But that was a while ago.”

They
could hear the crab in the bathroom, rustling over porcelain and splashing in
the tub. It skittered and screeched. Rudy assumed it grew each time it did
that. It could grow a laser at any moment.

He
raised his poker and counted in a loud whisper, “One, two, three!”

Gerald
opened the door and the other three rushed toward the crab, bludgeoning and
screaming as they ran.

Hector’s
head disappeared in a flash of red light which erupted from the right claw of
the tremendous crab that was backed up in the corner near the toilet. The old
man’s headless body was snatched up by the crab.

Skipp
hacked off the laser claw in one screaming swipe of his sword. He brought the
blade up as the crab’s mouth- parts snapped at his head, and jammed it straight
into its nasty maw. Rudy bashed its eyes into scraggled, twitching worms and
cracked most of its legs with three seconds of pure fury.

A
flailing claw caught Gerald across the head as he rushed in, and the old man
was tossed back into the bedroom in an unconscious heap.

Skipp
tried to free the sword from his dead grandpa’s fist as the crab smashed Hector
into the walls and floor of the bathroom again and again, shrieking blindly
around the blade shoved into its face.

Rudy
hacked at the top of the crab’s shell with the poker, cracking it. He pounded
open a divot in the fleshy armor.

The
crab shrieked and grew while it fought to survive—it went crazy, stinking of
seawater and something putrid, hissing and screaming with its remaining barbed
legs kicking madly.

Once
Skipp had the sword, it was only a matter of two quick chops through the top of
the crab’s dented armor before it collapsed, a twitching mass of stringy guts
and flopping, crusty limbs.

Rudy
and his son fell back into the bedroom, slicking guts, blood, and slime off of
themselves as they struggled to stand.

Staci
and Belinda stood in the doorway.

“Holy
shit!” Staci yelled, “That thing killed Grandpa Hector!”

Hector’s
body, with its cauterized neck, was still flopping around in the mess of
twitching giant crab.

Belinda
barfed into her hands. The girls backed away from the door, crying.

Rudy
went to Gerald. The old man came around after a few slaps. He was soon on his feet.

Everyone
stumbled downstairs.

Rainey
poked her head around the corner. She had a tray of rolls in her hands. “How
did it go?”

Rudy
shook his gory head. “Rainey. We lost your dad.”

“Oh,
no,” she said. She nearly dropped the rolls.

Julette
cried from around the corner, “Hector? Hector?”

Skipp
took the baking sheet from his mom and put the rolls in the oven. Staci hugged
her crying grandma.

Belinda
ran to the bathroom, dripping vomit.

“Not
Dad,” Rainey said. She held onto Rudy.

“He
saved us,” Rudy said. “How long until the meat’s ready?”

Rainey
choked back tears, “Any time, really. We’re waiting for rolls and mom’s mashing
the potatoes. Right, mom?”

“Not
anymore I’m not! You take me to Hector!” the old woman screamed at Rudy.