Christmas Kitsch (Hol) (MM) (6 page)

Trust me, O—you’ll be the first to know.

There was a long pause after that, and then he told me that my sister had called him up and was forcing him to come get her after school next week so they could go shopping. It took me a long time—long after Berkeley and Thanksgiving and Christmas were over—before I figured out that maybe he already
was
the first to know. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t
me
.

What didn’t take me long to figure out was what “finding my major” meant to Rex. But it wasn’t until every sock—and I mean
every fucking sock
—had disappeared from our dorm room that I began to have a suspicion.

My first class was Monday/Wednesday/Friday at ten o’clock sharp—Early American History with Pritchard, and I swear, I was more confused after our orientation than I had been before I walked in. Oliver and I had both read the online syllabus, and he’d helped me through the reading, but that guy walked in and started lecturing and writing on the board before I even had my shit out to take notes.

I had a two-hour break before my next class, and I walked back to my dorm with my reading list addendum in my hand, hoping to buy and download my books before it started.

So I was distracted and sort of pissed off when I threw my dorm room door open to see Rex, naked, bent over the bed, licking between a naked blonde girl’s thighs, while
another
girl, this one with big tits and curly black hair
everywhere,
wearing a dildo strapped around her hips, gave it to him up the ass. I stopped there with my book list in my hand, the door open behind me, and my mouth open in shock.

Rex sucked two fingers into his mouth, then thrust them delicately into the girl’s glistening vulva, grinning at me over her shiny, juice-slickened thigh.

“Close the door, brother,” he said cheerfully. “And by all means, join in.” The girl behind him groaned and gave a particularly hard thrust. She must have had something going on inside her, too, because she shuddered like she was about to come.

“You’re fucking two women,” I said, because stating the obvious, that was so me. “I don’t even know anyone’s
name
.”

Rex wiggled his fingers and stuck out his tongue. The perky blonde girl thrashed on the bed for a moment, obviously close, and then she groaned when she stopped.

“What’s your name, darlin’?”

“Chlo . . . Chlo . . . Chlo
eeeeeeeeeee
!” And he was back in business.

Behind him, the brunette thrust
hard
into him, and his own groan was muffled in Chloe’s lady parts. “I’m Vanessa,” she panted, looking me over. “I’d take it up the ass for
you
any day.”

I shook myself all over and walked to get my computer and my charger. “That’s a nice offer,” I said sincerely, “but I’m going to go to the library.”

No, of course I couldn’t study. I mean, I
tried
, but, like in high school, I found my fingers going to my phone. There were only two numbers there that I’d text now, and I
wasn’t
telling this story to my little sister.

Guess what?

What?

My roommate’s fucking two women in our dorm.

Well, now you know what team he plays for.

One of them’s giving it to him up the ass with a strap-on.

Maybe the vote’s still out.

I still would rather not walk in on that again.

I was actually sort of proud of how I typed that. It sounded like I was holding it together.

Make him put a sock on the doorknob.

A sock?

Yeah—it’s like a signal. It would tell you when he’s having sex, and you don’t have to see.

Okay, a sock. He can use one of mine. I’ll consider it a brain condom.

Heh heh heh . . . who says you’re stupid.

I do. What in the holy fuck is the New Historical school of thought?

Oh. Oh shit.

What? What’s “Oh shit”?

Oh shit is that we can’t do this over text. Get out your computer and scan your assignment.

I CAN’T. My roommate is fucking people where my printer is, remember?

Oh. Okay. Well, how about I email you some links?

I felt like crying. Oh thank you, Oliver. Thank you thank you thank you. Two plans of action in the same day. Best. Friend. Ever.

Thank you. That would so help.

Hey, Rusty, what do you say when a dinosaur crashes his car?

What?

Tyrannosaurus Wrecks

Tyrannosaurus Rex Wrecks Sex

Ha! Good one. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?

And so on.

One bad joke at a time, he talked me through a miserable hour in the library. When I finally decided to go back to the dorm, after my next two classes and some dinner, Rex was asleep—alone, thank God—and the place reeked of air freshener and randy butt sex.

I texted good night to my sister, and she said good night back, and I counted the hours until I could text Oliver again.

The next morning Rex was completely unrepentant.

“So, what’d you think?” he asked after he’d woken up, yawned, and stretched. I was sitting at my desk, weeping over my trig homework, so it took me a minute to figure out what he was talking about.

“Think?”

“Yeah. About our guests yesterday?”

I squinted at him. “Uhm, yeah. Next time you have guests, maybe you can put a sock on the door. You know. As a signal?”

Rex squinted back at me. “As a signal?”

“Yeah. You know. So I don’t walk in on you again.”

Rex squeezed his eyes shut. “You’re not that bright, are you?”

I looked at the trigonometry figures in front of me and prayed that everywhere, all over the world, this textbook would disintegrate into ashes and all of the electronic copies would magnetically wipe themselves, proving, once and for all that math was the devil’s handiwork, and nice dumb jocks should have nothing to do with it.

“No,” I said, meaning it. “I never have been.”

We left that morning to two completely different departments, and I reminded him, “A sock, okay? If you’re there and doing the thing?”

Rex smirked. “I can promise you that there will
never
be a time when I feel the need to put a sock on that doorknob.”

Oh, okay. So this had been a one-time thing—sort of a loosening up before the big academic charge. I
got
that. I did
.
Some of the few times I’d had sex with girls had been for that very reason. Football season had been starting and I’d needed to let off steam, and, well, the girls had been willing.

“I’m so relieved to hear that,” I said sincerely, and Rex laughed and walked away, that happy, from-the-gut chortle ringing up between the buildings in the quad.

And I thought that was the end of it.

I walked in three days later, and he was tied to the bed while a girl was tickling him with a feather.
And
was sucking his cock.

“But . . .” I sputtered, after closing the door behind me. “You said you wouldn’t need the sock!”

“No,” he panted—I think he was close. The sight of him, head thrown back, erection rampant and purple,
was
actually doing something for me, but the girl’s lips around his crown were big and red, sort of like two painted slugs stretched out on a pane of glass, and that made my stiffy shrivel damned quick.

“You
did
—”

“I
promised
I wouldn’t need to put a sock on the door.”

“But you
do,
you’re getting a blowjob
right now
!”

Rex let out air through his teeth, and I watched as the girl used the feather on his inner thigh while she dropped her head and sucked one of his hairless balls. His breaths came slow with an obvious effort, and I was sort of impressed that he managed to talk.

“Rusty, do you want to help her, or do her, or not?”

“English,” I said unhappily, because the teacher had told us to read a novel by Thursday. I’d double-checked the syllabus too, and that shit was
not
in there. “I want to do my English.”

He let out a moan, and I looked up to see the girl pinching his nipple.

“Okay then,” he managed. “Grab your porta-scanner this time, and give Oliver my best.”

“Do you want me to bring food?” I asked, and Rex’s eyes popped open.

“Yeah, sure—pizza! Two hours. I’m good for it. Courtney, you want some?”

Courtney pulled off Rex’s cock long enough to wipe her mouth and think about it. “Naw,” she said, and looked at me apologetically. “It gives me gas, and I was sorta hoping for . . .”

And then the naked girl in the middle of a blowjob actually blushed, her pale pink cheeks going one of those deep red colors I don’t even have a name for.

“You know,” she said, and then she batted her eyes at Rex, who smiled. It was a hooded-eyed, sexy smile, and looking at it made my cock think about getting hard again.

“Oh, honey, I do. I’ve got the lube, I’ve got the condoms . . . I’m your backdoor man.”