Chosen Heart (41 page)

“Alex, you aren’t.  We are
just going through some growing pains.  This is a good thing.  It
means we’re getting to know each other; our strengths, our weaknesses.” 
Sitting up, I run my hands through his hair and down his chest.  “Besides,
your parent’s relationship couldn’t have been that awful…they made you.” 
I can picture Alex as a small boy, floppy hair and crystal blue eyes, running
around.  He’s a good person; he just doesn’t give himself enough credit.

With a huff, Alex dismisses my
moment of optimism.  “I was a mistake.”  My breath hitches and my
heart tightens.  “He said my Mom tried to trap him.  Biggest mistake
of his life, he said.”  Alex releases my gaze, turning his head.  I
can hardly bear to watch him go down this ugly road of memories. 

“Alex, look at me.”  After a
moment of internal struggle, he turns back with eyes full of sorrow, making my
heart ache.  “Regardless of your father, everything that’s in you, it’s
all the love and beauty from your mother; her hopes and dreams.”

Alex continues to look at me as
he relieves his most haunting memories.  “You know he used to bring women
home?  He would fuck them while my Mom was out.  I could hear the
screams and moaning from the living room.  Is there love in that?” 
My mouth drops in shock.

“No…”  I’m unable to say
more.  I never imagined such a relationship could exist. 

“Well, this is how I thought a
relationship was supposed to be; it’s all I knew.”  Alex’s exposure to
monogamous relationships is as virgin as my exposure to sexual
relationships.  Apparently, we are both teaching each other.

“What made you think
differently?” 

“My mom…in the end…she asked for
my forgiveness; forgiveness for staying with him for so long.  She thought
I needed a man around in order to learn how to be a man, but she told me that
men don’t love with their fists.  Men don’t share their hearts with other
women.  I learned more about being a man from her than I ever did being
around him.”

I can’t help the tears streaming
down my face, not out of shame or disgust, but for the little boy who had to
endure such pain.  “Your mother was wise.” 

“The biggest regret I have is
that I couldn’t protect her.  She needed me.  She needed me to be a
man, and I couldn’t…”

“Alex, stop…you were just a
child.  You can’t blame yourself.”  A flicker of anger courses
through his intense blue eyes.

“She stayed with him because she
needed money; money to take care of the mistake that
he
never
wanted.  You know what that means?”  I shake my head, not
understanding where he’s going.  “She got beat for years because of
me.  Not only could I not protect her, but the only reason she stayed was
to ensure I was fed and cared for.”

“She loved you.  She wanted
you to have everything you needed.”

“I needed her.  If she just
took better care of herself…maybe...”  Alex shutters and a single tear
escapes his angered eyes.  “It doesn’t matter anymore.  There’s
nothing I can do to help her now, all I can do is not make the same
mistakes.  And, regardless of the situation, my dad got what he
deserved.” 

“When was the last time you saw
your dad?”

“When the cops were dragging me
off of his limp body.  I would do it again…next time…they wouldn’t be able
to stop me.  I’m stronger now, but as far as I’m concerned, he’s dead to
me.”  Alex’s words scare me, because I believe him.  His anger is the
same I felt the night Cole came to my apartment and what I felt during the
fundraiser. 

He must sense my unease and
breaks the silence.  “I don’t want to talk about him anymore.  The
past is the past; let’s leave it where it belongs.”  And on that we
couldn’t agree more.  I wasn’t one that liked to dredge up my past,
either. 

“I’m feeling a bit sticky, want
to take a bath?”

On that note, I smile at my
strong, troubled man, and nod.  Carrying me into the bathroom, I nuzzle
into his neck and bask in this moment of solidarity.  

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

My eyes struggle to focus as the
sun shines in through the large bay window.  I’m more exhausted than
normal, but that’s probably due to last night’s excursions.  I stretch,
reaching out for Alex, but only grasp the soft cotton bed sheets. 
No
Alex.  Hmpf.
 

“Good morning sleepy head. 
I didn’t want to wake you.”  Carrying a silver tray covered in an
assortment of pastries and coffee, Alex comes striding in the bedroom
door.  “You looked so peaceful and since we didn’t have to be up for
another hour, I thought I’d get breakfast.”  The tray is adorned with a
single daisy and my love is adorned with a wide smile, dimples completely
visible, stealing my breath away.

“Good morning,” whispering as I
stretch.  Reaching for the bed sheet, I wrap it around my bust as Alex
approaches.  I feel a little insecure this morning and not sure why. 
He sees me, mind and body, but there is so much more he doesn’t know.  So
much I need to tell him, but there’s never a good time.  I reluctantly put
that away for safe keeping.  I’m not going to ruin this morning, not after
last night.  One deprived story at a time.  “What do we have here?”

“Well, I have a little bit of
everything…what does my Hart desire?”  Glancing at the tray, a small
chocolate muffin stands alone.  I grab the pastry and start to peel its
wrapper slowly.  “I expected your appetite would be a little
more….substantial?” 

“My appetite is substantial, but
not for breakfast…” I smile, shyly looking into Alex’s eyes.

Our passionate moment is
interrupted by the annoying ring of my cell phone. 
Who would be
calling at seven in the morning?
  Maggie’s name flashes across my
screen.  “Alex, its Maggie!”  I place my finger to my mouth,
signaling for him to remain quiet as I answer the call.  “Hi, Maggie!”

”Elyssa, good morning! 
How’s sunny San Diego?”  Alex comes closer, rubbing his hand up my thigh,
snuggling up to my throat.  I can barely think straight.  Trying to
formulate a sentence while Alex is touching me is nearly impossible. 

I giggle as his hand reaches my
upper thigh, still kissing my neck.  “Lovely; feels more like a vacation
than work.” 

“Well, I’m glad you’re having
fun.  Listen…the guys from Britt and Sterne called last night.  Does
a guy by the name of Barney ring a bell?”  My mind searches back to
yesterdays meet and greet and to the gentleman who kept accommodating Oliver.

“Yes, I met him yesterday.”

“Well, they want to have a
meeting with us and asked that I set it up.  I called Mr. James, but he’s
not answering.” 
If she only knew where Mr. James really was.
 
“Probably has some hot blonde in his bed as we speak,” she mumbles under her
breath.  “So can you let him know and just make sure you guys meet them at
6:00 p.m. at the hotel restaurant?”

“Yes, I’ll let him know.”  Does
she really think he’s that type of man?  One that would go away on a
business trip and bring some random girl to his hotel room? 
It doesn’t
matter, Elyssa.  He’s here with you.  Not anyone else.  Suck it
up!

We say our goodbyes and Alex sits
up waiting for an explanation.  I continue eating my chocolate muffin, not
realizing the next sentence is going to be the end of our blissful
morning.  “We’re having dinner with the guys from Britt & Sterne
tonight at six.”

“Says who?” he questions
grumpily.

I look at him, not knowing where
the mood shift came from.  “Maggie.” 

“Well that should be
interesting,” he mumbles standing up, walking towards the bathroom.

“Why?” 

“That’s Oliver’s firm.” 
Alex slips into the bathroom, effectively ending our conversation. Tension
builds inside me as Alex completely closes the door, shutting me out.

~~~~~

Alex greets the hostess as I
check the time on my cell phone; six o’clock on the dot.  I glance around
the restaurant and my heart skips a beat, more so with anxiety, as I spot
Oliver and Barney sitting towards the middle of the dining area.  I pat
Alex on the forearm to get his attention.  Looking at me, a sweet smile
quickly forms on his lips, but as I point towards their table, his smile
disappears.  I think Alex was hoping Oliver wouldn’t be here. 
Playing his role well, Alex puts his game face on and gestures for me to walk
first. 

Oliver rises as we approach,
pulling a chair out for me to sit next to him.  Alex fumes, but regains
his composure remembering where he is, taking the only empty seat.  I
steal a glance to my right and notice him popping his knuckles in
frustration.  The waiter comes over immediately, and Alex orders a scotch
and soda, I ask for an apple martini, while Oliver and Barney ask for another
glass of Brandy. 

The men start in on a
conversation regarding the compensation rates session we attended
earlier.  Not having anything to add, I glance at the other restaurant
patrons.  Everyone here seems to be enjoying themselves and you can’t
blame them.  The company they keep and the open and cozy restaurant makes
for the start of an incredible evening.  Vela is a nice change from the
restaurants in the hotels in Las Vegas.  It’s nice to have simple luxury
with an open visual space, oh and the impressive view of the ocean doesn’t
hurt.

“Bored?”  I’m brought out of
my visual exploration by Oliver’s deep throaty voice.  I’m slightly taken
back by his rugged good looks.  He’s rather handsome in his blazer and
blue button up collared shirt.  And, his unshaven face, with his sly smile
would make any girl swoon.  But, because I’m taken in every way possibly,
I just smile.

“What?  No, of course
not.  I just don’t have too much input on compensation rates.”

“Well, how is your compensation
rates, Elyssa?”  Alex rolls his eyes at Oliver’s intended joke.

“I am compensated just
fine.” 
Don’t you worry your pretty little face, Oliver.  My V.P.
makes sure I’m completely taken care of.

“Maybe I need to move to Vegas
then.”  He elbows Barney as he teases.  “Make sure that fine turns
into more than fine.”

Barney decides to chime in,
realizing the inappropriateness of Oliver’s comment and the reaction of Alex
almost spitting out his water.  “Hey James, are you guys going out to the
karaoke bar tonight?” 

Oliver’s eyes focus directly on
me for the response, but I turn to my Alex for his reply.  Alex grips my
knee underneath the table and answers for both of us, “Yah, the guys from
Boston gave us the invite earlier.  We were thinking about going. 
You?”

“Oliver was saying that he wasn’t
interested, but if you guys are going, maybe I can tag along.”  My body
eases knowing there might not be an Alex/Oliver conflict taking place for the
rest of the night. 

“Wait Barney, this evening’s
getting more and more interesting.  Maybe I haven’t given karaoke enough
of a chance.”  Alex’s grip on my knee tightens.  I place my hand on
his trying to steady him.  “We can all share a cab!”  Oliver’s
enthusiasm sends my stomach into knots.

The cab ride to the bar in Chula
Vista is awkward to say the least.  I’m literally sitting between a rock
and a hard place.  On one hand I have my heart, the man I adore and rely
on, and on the other hand I have Oliver…who is…well he’s Oliver, relentlessly
intense.  Both seem to despise one another, for reasons far beyond my
knowledge and both are oblivious to the position they’ve placed me in. 
The only light energy in the car is Barney; all smiles from the passenger seat,
seeming to muse at how the night’s turning out.  He doesn’t look like the
type of guy who gets to go out all that often, so tonight is definitely a
treat.

As I sit and ponder the different
roles we have to play, it’s extremely difficult to separate how I’m supposed to
act versus how I know I feel.  It’s hard enough to ignore my increased
heartbeat every time Alex is near, but to expect me to hide my feelings for him
is nearly impossible.  At times like this, it’s hard not to feel like his
dirty little secret. 

I shake my head as my frustration
builds.  All I wanted to do was go out tonight with Alex, my boyfriend,
not Alex, the V.P.  Not only is this situation awkward, the disappointment
I feel is a bit overwhelming. 

When the cab stops, Alex and
Oliver exit in unison, both leaving their doors open for me.  I glance
from left to right.  If I wasn’t so deeply in love, there might be a
decision to make.  Oliver is ruggedly handsome, with his devilish smile
and engrossing personality, but there was never a choice; I don’t even have to
take a second look.  Without hesitation, I exit to my left, allowing Alex
to help me out of the car. 

Brusquely shutting his door, I
almost miss Oliver’s small tantrum as he rolls his eyes in my direction. 
Almost. 
Seriously, how old are we?
  I’m not sure where this
competition between them developed, but I refuse to be another rope in their
game of tug-o-war.  I resign to ask Alex why he loathes Oliver, but much,
much later.  Right now, I need to focus on getting through the
night.  I was excited earlier, at the prospect of having a night out with
my boyfriend.  But, now that we’re here, I can’t help but wish we had
stayed in.