Chosen Child (4 page)

Amanda bit her lip. It sounded easy when you thought about
it in black and white like this, but James’ reaction would probably be
somewhere in the middle of the two extremes, which would make everything
complicated and messy. The mess was of her own making, she was under no
illusions about that, and it didn’t make her feel proud. Starting an affair
hadn’t been her best move as a mother.

Jaden snored gently on the sofa, and Amanda spread her
sweatshirt over him and boxed him in with cushions. She usually put him in his
cot for his nap, but today he’d fallen asleep where he’d had lunch. Feeding him
in front of the TV meant she could sneak some vegetables into him while he was
engrossed. Satisfied he wouldn’t roll off, she took her phone through to the
kitchen. Time to call James and warn him that business, not sex was on the menu
tomorrow. They were meeting here; she hadn’t been able to find a sitter.

His voice was upbeat. ‘Hi, sweetie, are we still on at your
place tomorrow?’

It didn’t sound as if he was planning to run off and leave
her, and Amanda choked back a sob. The hormones were playing havoc with her
already. She didn’t usually burst into tears at every little thing.

‘Yes. James. I – I want us to have a proper talk about the
baby.’

‘I know. I’ve been feeling bad about that. You know I’ll
stand by whatever you want to do. Will we have time for a long chat tomorrow?’

Relief washed through Amanda like a cool wave on a hot day.
It was going to be okay. ‘Yes. It’s Gareth’s last day in his old job and
they’re having a do for him, so heaven knows when he’ll be back.’

‘I thought the new job didn’t start till June?’

‘It doesn’t, but he’s got so much bloody overtime he leaves
tomorrow. He’s going on a solo-walking trip next week and then we’re all going
to Scotland on holiday.’

Now she really was crying as the relief that James was
sticking around gave way to resentment that he was asking about Gareth and not
about her and the baby.

‘Right. So we’ll have time to plan while he’s away, too.’
His voice was upbeat; he hadn’t realised she was upset. ‘We’ll manage
something, okay? I have to go, Amanda, but I’ll see you soon.’

He broke the connection, and Amanda went back through and
flopped down beside Jaden. From a purely practical point of view it would have
been easier if James had said, ‘Hell, no, I’m out of here.’ But she’d known he
wasn’t that kind of person. She’d never have become involved with someone like
that. She and James were both decent people who’d simply wanted some extra fun
in life – although the fun was in a grey zone, she knew that.
Did
he have other girlfriends? But even if he did, she was
the one with the baby. Could they make a go of it? Did she want to?

 She was having coffee and mulling over her options when
Gareth arrived home, early for once. He sat playing with Jaden while Amanda
phoned for pizza, then they all ate together on the living room floor, Jaden
straddling one of Gareth’s thighs and
Thomas the Tank Engine
tooting around on the DVD player. Guilt washed through Amanda as she watched
her husband cut pizza into bite-sized chunks for Jaden. This was the kind of
thing she loved – family fun, a little picnic with them all enjoying
themselves. But their days as a family were almost certainly numbered. Gareth
must have noticed her silence because he reached out and hugged her, Jaden
squealing in protest as his ‘horse’ slid to one side.

‘Steady, cowboy. Mands, I’m sorry I’ve been so busy lately.
The new job’ll give us more family time, you’ll see. And the holiday will do us
good. I’ll come back from my walk a new man and we’ll all have a great time in
Scotland.’ He kissed her head.

For a moment Amanda leaned on him. She had loved him so
passionately when they first got together – would it be possible to get that
back? How very much easier it would be just to forget James and carry on in
their own little family, her and Gareth. Of course, that could still happen.
James might be happy to forget about her, too. Was he really the kind to settle
down and start a family? Although – he had such a knack with Jaden. He did like
kids. What a mess she was in.

She was still half-asleep when Gareth put his head round the
bedroom door the following morning.

‘Last day, wish me luck,’ he said cheerfully. ‘I don’t know
when the leaving do’ll finish so expect me when you see me, okay? Love you.’

Amanda listened as the car exited the garage and roared off
into the distance. How awful; he was clueless about what was going on in his
family. And now she had six hours to put in till James came for their talk. She
felt like a sixteen-year-old with an important exam ahead of her; her stomach
was heaving and she felt… Oh no.

It was morning sickness, of course. She’d had it badly with
Jaden; not physical sickness, more a horrible nauseous feeling, and it had gone
on for most of the pregnancy. Another eight months of feeling like crap was
staring her in the face, and who was going to hold her hand through it this
time? Amanda rolled out of bed and went to make tea and toast. They’d been the
only things that had helped last time.

Fortunately, a slice of toast and a mug of sweet tea put
paid to the nausea for the moment. Amanda woke Jaden to ensure he’d be properly
tired at lunchtime, and started to think about what she should cook for James.
The few times he’d come here before, they’d had a glass of wine and some finger
food and then gone straight to bed, but that wouldn’t happen today. Eventually
she decided to make apple cake. Then they could have ice cream or just cream with
it, and coffee. She bundled Jaden into the buggy and set off for the local
shop.

By twelve o’clock the house smelled like a farmhouse kitchen
and Amanda was putting Jaden into his cot. He stared at her, bleary-eyed and
thumb in mouth, then rolled on his side and slept. Amanda’s heart contracted
with love. What a good boy he was. He didn’t know his little world was in
danger of disappearing forever. Maybe the best thing would be to tell James the
baby was Gareth’s, end the relationship and make a go of her marriage, but oh,
she wouldn’t be able to live with the lie, she knew she wouldn’t.

James arrived at ten past and hugged her. No smoochy kiss
today, no grabbing her the second the front door was shut. His face was serious
as he followed her into the kitchen. Heart thumping, she poured coffee for them
both and passed him a plate with a chunk of still-warm apple cake. And what
were they doing, sitting here playing happy families when they should be
discussing their future – and the baby’s future? She looked at him miserably.

‘Chin up,’ he said. ‘I’ve done a lot of thinking, and I’ve
come up with the perfect plan. Two words: you decide. If you want me to stick
around and play daddy, I will. If you want me to disappear, I’ll do that too.
My only proviso is, if I’m going to be paying out hard cash, we do a paternity
test.’

The moist apple cake turned dry as dust in Amanda’s mouth.
So he would do the decent thing if pushed, otherwise he’d let her – and the
baby that was almost certainly his – go. Wasn’t that telling her something? And
he’d said nothing about moving in together; that was significant too. And she
still didn’t know how many girlfriends he had.

He finished his cake and reached for her hand. ‘I know it’s
a lot to decide, but we don’t need to set it in stone today. I won’t leave you
in the lurch, don’t worry – unless you want to be left in the lurch. But that
would break my heart.’

He grinned at her, the old sarcastic grin, and Amanda
melted. She could never resist him when he was like this. Five minutes later
they were in bed together.

And ten minutes later she heard Gareth’s key in the door.

Friday 16th May

Ella couldn’t settle to anything. It was her day off and
normally she’d have had a quick blitz round the house to get it ready for the
weekend, or started preparations for any dinner guests they’d invited. But the
only visitor they were expecting today was Soraya, and the preparations were
complete – weren’t they? She opened the fridge yet again.

Soraya’s favourite lime cordial – check. Victoria sponge –
check, and the vanilla ice cream to go with it was in the freezer. Chocolate
digestives in the cupboard – check.

‘You’ll send her home sick as a dog,’ Rick said the night
before, when Ella told him the proposed afternoon tea menu.

‘I won’t. And her first visit’s an occasion. We must have
something special and Mel said these were her favourites.’

Ella laid out the new plastic place mats she’d bought. It
was starting to become real, this thought that Soraya could become their
daughter. Liz had put the match in for approval by the adoption panel, and
until this came through Soraya would continue to know them as her ‘visitors’.
They had seen her twice in her foster home now, and there was no reason to
think the panel would reject their application; as Liz said, it was a match
made in heaven. The anticipation of motherhood was the sharpest pleasure Ella
had ever experienced. It was so special, so exciting – did women who were
pregnant feel the same way? She turned back to the clock for the zillionth
time. Soon, soon, Soraya would be here.

They knew more about the little girl’s history now and it
had made Ella cry. The mother was a heroin addict, and although she remained
clean for most of the pregnancy she’d made some very poor choices afterwards,
and Soraya’s grandmother was given custody. Unfortunately, the older woman’s
partner hadn’t tolerated the presence of a baby, and Soraya was put in the
first of her foster homes well before her first birthday. Ella felt ill just
thinking about it. Poor Soraya had never been in a stable home for longer than
a few months at a time; she would never have learned to love and trust.
Changing that wouldn’t be easy, and what it all meant for the little girl’s
development was something they still had to find out.

The landline in the hall trilled out and Ella hurried
through. Surely Rick wasn’t going to be late… But no, it was her mother. ‘Hi,
Mum, how’s the Yorkshire air?’

‘Funny you should ask that, darling – we’re about to swap it
for some Western Isles air. One of those last minute trips. We’re leaving
tomorrow morning.’

Ella grinned to herself. Retirement had given her parents a
new lease of life – it was here, there and everywhere nowadays. And quite right
too. ‘Sounds good. Which island are you going to?’

‘Taransay and Lewis, then we’re coming home via Aberdeen to
give us the chance to catch up with Rowena for a few days. Nothing’ll happen
about the adoption while we’re away, will it? Mobile reception might be a bit
dicey in the Hebrides.’

‘Liz is hoping for a favourable report from the adoption
panel next week, but we’ll still be doing visits for a while. Soraya’s coming
this afternoon. Mum, it’s so amazing!’

‘I can’t wait to meet her and I’ll cross my fingers very
hard it all works out quickly for you. Have a fabulous time.’

Ella put the phone down feeling warmed, but irritation
flooded through her when she saw the time – quarter to two already. Rick should
have been here fifteen minutes ago. He had grumbled about the visit being on a
Friday, but Soraya was going away for the weekend with her foster family.
School had broken up for half-term yesterday, so this was the ideal day.

Determinedly not thinking about Rick’s lateness, Ella
wandered outside. The kitchen door at the side of the house led out to a
generous garden – plenty of room here to put up a swing set or a net for
badminton. A Wendy house? It was an idea, but maybe the best thing was to wait
until the adoption was approved, and then include Soraya in the new plans. Ella
pictured them going to the garden centre to choose a swing; a family of three,
and oh, she had waited so long for this. They could grow veg, too – nothing
like carrots straight from the garden to encourage kids to eat their five a
day. Ella smiled, then grimaced. For all she knew, Soraya could be the biggest
veggie-fan on the planet. There was so much they didn’t know about her.

Ella slumped as the shivery anticipation gave way to a wave
of something like depression, the first since they’d met Soraya. The child was
six. Six years of life they knew little about – could they really hope to
balance out the effects of all those foster homes, not to mention whatever had
gone on in the first months of Soraya’s life? The prospect was suddenly
daunting. Soraya would always remember she’d had a life before meeting them.
But then, this very fact gave them the chance to talk to her about it in a way
she’d understand. Mummy and Daddy had so, so wanted a child, and then they’d
seen Soraya and
paff
! – they’d known straightaway
that she was their little girl.

Ella hesitated, staring at two blue butterflies flitting
around the flower border. It was all very well saying ‘they’ all the time, but
in actual fact she was the one who had fallen in love. If she hadn’t pushed,
Rick would never have considered Soraya. If she hadn’t pushed he might well
have been content to stay childless.

Young voices floated into the garden from the street and
Ella saw a group of mums and kids, on their way to the beach, probably.
Anticipation flooded back. Of course she would cope with whatever Soraya might
fling at her – that was what parents did, wasn’t it? And Rick would cope too.

Of course he would.

Friday 16th May

Amanda clapped her hand over James’ mouth and they both
froze. This was like a bad film, she thought wildly, this should
not
be happening. What the shit was Gareth doing home at
this time? Her heart was hammering in her chest and it had nothing to do with
James’ proximity.