Chosen Child (14 page)

Amanda walked past on the other side of the road. It was a
nice house, detached with a big garden, posher than hers, and it would be their
own place and not rented. At the next junction she crossed over and walked
back, passing James’ house once more. Yes, very nice. Lucky James.

It was time for some serious planning.

Saturday 14th – Sunday 15th June

‘Can we go to the beach today?’

Soraya peeked at her across the breakfast table, and Ella’s
heart contracted. It was lovely having her child here. This was Soraya’s second
week with them and it was so far, so very good. Of course they were still in a
honeymoon phase where they were all on their best behaviour and everything was
rose-tinted and special – but what the heck, she had waited years to have a
child to love and she was going to enjoy every minute. And best of all, Soraya
was beginning to realise she was loved – the little girl skipped around the
house, often with a happy smile that won Ella’s heart every time. It was like
watching a butterfly emerging from the drabness of its chrysalis, fluttering
its wings, preparing to fly into sunlight. Oh, life wasn’t all pink and fluffy;
their new daughter had a mind of her own and wasn’t afraid to speak it – but it
was an excellent beginning.

‘How about a picnic lunch on Porthmeor Beach,’ Ella
suggested. ‘You haven’t been there yet and it’s a good beach for children. We
might see some surfers, too, if the tide’s right.’

‘Yay!’ Soraya descended into her cereal.

Rick came in with his Saturday luxury, a real newspaper, and
settled down at the other end of the table with a cup of coffee.

‘Are we furniture-shopping today?’ he asked, turning to the
sports section.

‘Tomorrow,’ said Ella. ‘Burnside Centre’s having a summer
sale; I thought we could try there. Picnic on the beach today.’

Rick winked at Soraya. ‘Got your bucket and spade ready? Bet
we can make the best sandcastle ever.’

Soraya immediately abandoned her breakfast and ran upstairs.

‘Oops,’ said Rick.

‘Right remark, wrong time,’ said Ella ruefully.

They had learned that to think was to act with Soraya. She
rarely sat still for longer than it took to finish her food; even watching
television she would jump up and down, checking that Ella was still in the
kitchen, or dancing around in front of the set.

‘She’ll calm down,’ Liz told them. ‘She needs continuity and
she needs to learn to trust you, and that takes time.’

Ella topped up both their mugs. They all needed time. Rick
still had spells of staring into space with a vacant expression on his face,
which come to think of it was permanently pale these days, but he was much
better with Soraya than she’d expected. Maybe the grumpiness
had
been down to his job, and not the adoption. She still
didn’t know what was going on in Rick’s office. He assured her the Indian
contract was safe now, and as far as she could tell he went to work every day…
but it was difficult to judge, and she didn’t want to ask too many leading
questions.

Ella’s gut twisted in fear. What had he been doing, those
days he hadn’t gone to work? Another thing she didn’t know was how long it had
gone on for – a couple of weeks might mean he’d simply needed time to digest
the fact that he’d soon be a father. It couldn’t have been longer – could it?
The only way to find out was to ask him, but that might disturb the balance of
their new family life. In a few weeks the adoption would be finalised – she
could start sorting out her marriage then.

And at least he’d given up visiting the shed ten times a
day. The tomato plants were here in the kitchen and the veggies were in the
garden. Things
were
improving, thought Ella, grinning
as Soraya thundered downstairs. She rose to her feet to pack the beach bag.

‘Are we going in the car?’ said Soraya, leading the way out
the front door.

‘It’ll be murder – um, much too busy in the car park today,’
said Ella. ‘It’s not far to walk, and if we’re tired afterwards we can get the
bus back.’

Rick was locking the front door, his mouth a tight slash.
What was wrong now? Ella gave his arm a shake. ‘Come on, Mister Grumpy. When
was the last time we had a day on the beach?’

‘A decade or so ago?’ His voice was quieter than usual.

‘At least,’ said Ella. So maybe this wasn’t what Rick would
have chosen for his Saturday – hopefully he wasn’t going to be boring about
family outings. She was still searching around for something encouraging to say
when Soraya squeezed between them, taking a hand of each. Ella pushed the
awkward feeling away.

She gazed through the houses to the ocean, deep blue in the
middle distance. This was such a great place to bring up kids. The beach would
be mobbed, of course, but that didn’t matter because at last, at last she could
be with families having fun without thinking,
oh, I want one
too, why can’t I have one too?
The waiting and wanting were over; now
they could grow as a family and give their child the love she so obviously
craved. Surely Rick must see it that way too.

‘Waah!’ shrieked Soraya.

Ella stopped. Rick had slowed right down and Soraya was
strung between them, arms stretched sideways. He was staring at a metallic grey
Ford parked on the other side of the road, a peculiar little frown on his face.

‘Come on, Daddy,’ said Ella.

‘Ah – right,’ he said, his eyes still on the car. ‘Coming.’

‘Someone you know?’

‘No… I don’t think it is.’ He strode on downhill. ‘Let’s get
to this beach. I can smell the sea!’

When they stopped at the red man he turned and stared at the
car again, but he said nothing and Ella fumed inwardly. It was infuriating when
he did odd things like that, leaving her not knowing what he was thinking and
afraid to ask. This wasn’t how she’d imagined their first weeks as parents –
she’d been prepared for problems with Soraya, not with Rick.

But oh, it was fun at the beach, collecting shells and
making a sandcastle and paddling in the sea – and once even shivering in up to
her waist to jump through the waves with Soraya. Watching the tide reduce the
sandcastle to a heap of wet sand had the little girl giggling in a way that
went straight to Ella’s soul. Rick played his part in the sand games and Ella
began to wonder if she was imagining his preoccupation. It was a period of
adjustment for them all. Real life wasn’t like one of those sunshiny soap
powder commercials.

‘Let’s go. There isn’t enough beach left for all these
people on it,’ she said when the castle was gone. ‘You can have a pony ride if
you want to, Soraya, and then we’ll buy huge ice creams before we go home.
How’s that?’

Soraya shrieked approval, and Ella laughed, glad to see Rick
was smiling too. It was so lovely, doing things with their child… who wasn’t
their child yet. The thought always sobered her. The adoption wouldn’t be
finalised for another two months, and even after that there would still be
meetings and support groups to attend. Was an adopted child ever your own
child? No, Ella realised suddenly. An adopted child became your own adopted
child. What mattered was those two words ‘your own’. It was different, that was
all. Soraya knew they weren’t her birth parents. Ella hugged the little girl
when she returned from her pony ride, and for half a second Soraya let her.
Then –

‘Ice cream!’

Other families were doing the same thing, and the streets
were busy. Ella kept a tight hold of Soraya’s hand. They strolled along,
stopping occasionally to look at a shop window or a gallery display, and Ella’s
heart sank when she saw Rick staring at other families as they passed. Families
with smaller children… little boys, in buggies. For a moment she was racked
with guilt. He had wanted a boy, but she’d bulldozed that idea almost as soon
as she set eyes on Soraya. On the other hand, Rick had agreed to the adoption
and his behaviour now was bordering on disgraceful. A small boy in a buggy was
waiting outside the newsagent’s, accompanied by an older child, and Rick
actually stopped to peer under the buggy’s sunshade.

Tight-lipped, Ella prodded his arm. ‘You’ll be arrested for
voyeurism if you go on like that.’ She pulled him away, and he glared at her.
Ella shook her head. What was going on in his mind? If he was trying to
guilt-trip her because she wanted Soraya, it was the most unfair thing he’d
done yet.

Home again, Ella was glad when Rick decided to go to the DIY
store to buy paint for Soraya’s bedroom. Half an hour apart would give her some
breathing space. Still feeling annoyed, she waved as the car disappeared down
the road, then took the beach things outside to shake the sand off.

Soraya was shooting balls into the basket. ‘Come and play
too.’

‘Be with you in a minute. I’ll put this lot in the machine
first.’

It was more than a minute, however, as the bottle of fabric
softener was empty and she had to search around for the new one. Who invented
these caps, she thought, tearing a nail on her first attempt to open the
bottle. Must have been a man. Or maybe she was letting her annoyance at Rick
colour her thoughts here. Grinning, she twisted until the cap gave way. Come
on, supermum.

Outside, at first glance the garden was deserted. Had Soraya
gone next door without saying anything? Owen’s mother was back now and had
given the little girl a standing invitation. But no – there was Soraya at the
front end of the garden, leaning over the fence and staring down the street.

‘I was talking to a nice lady,’ she said happily. ‘She has a
new flat here and she had a little boy in a buggy and she thinks she’ll get him
a basketball set too, when he’s bigger. She said I’m the best basketballer
she’s seen for a long time.’

Ella hesitated. Stranger Danger was something she hadn’t yet
spoken about with Soraya. They should do that, but this settling-in period
didn’t seem the right time. She didn’t want to make the child afraid of every
new person she met.

‘Maybe you can teach the little boy, when he’s bigger,’ she
said cheerfully. ‘Next time you see them, come and get me straightaway and we
can all chat.’

The idea appealed to Soraya and she told Rick all about the
encounter over roast chicken salad at dinner time. To Ella’s dismay the closed
expression was back on Rick’s face and his answers were monosyllabic. A little
boy in a buggy, of course, was exactly the child he had wanted to adopt.

‘She shouldn’t be talking to strangers,’ said Rick, as soon
as Soraya ran upstairs.

‘I know. This was just a new neighbour, though. We’ll do the
Stranger Danger talk soon.’

The following day, Rick started painting the bedroom while
Ella and Soraya added the previous day’s collection to the shell garden. Ella
sat on the grass while Soraya arranged the shells, a serious expression on her
face – it was wonderful to see the little girl so engrossed. Her eyes were
shining as she added some of the ornamental blue stones they’d found in the craft
shop. Unable to concentrate my foot, thought Ella. Mind you, Soraya’s new
teacher hadn’t uttered a negative word about the child yet.

‘If we gather any more we’ll need to extend this,’ said
Ella, when the shells were arranged.

‘Yes!’ Soraya jumped up and down. ‘We can – oh! There’s my
lady!’

She ran towards the street, where a young woman was pushing
a buggy containing a toddler, fast asleep. The woman put a finger to her lips
as Soraya approached the fence.

‘I’ve just got him off – he’s teething, he’s been crabby all
day,’ she said, then turned to Ella. ‘Hi. I had a chat with your daughter
yesterday. We have a new flat down in the block – haven’t moved in yet but
we’re getting it ready. Not so easy with a teething toddler attached to your
hip.’

Be happy you have a teething toddler, thought Ella – but
that wasn’t fair. This woman didn’t know their situation. She leaned on the
fence. ‘I can imagine. You’ll find this is a good area for kids. Plenty about
for play dates, and there’s a toddler group at the library; your little boy
might like that. What’s his name?’

‘Jaden. And I’m Amanda.’

Ella introduced herself and Soraya, and they stood for a few
minutes chatting about St Ives before Amanda walked on downhill. Soraya ran
back to her shells, and Ella followed. The little girl had barely taken her
eyes off Jaden. It might be a good idea to team up with some mothers who had
younger children. Her peers were still overwhelming to Soraya, who had yet to
agree to a play date with any of the children in her class. Thank goodness it
was almost the summer holidays. Amanda and her son might be a big part of the
settling-in process for Soraya – and Ella could help them settle into the area
too, so it would be a two-way thing. She heaved a sigh of pleasure. It was going
to be a good summer, she could tell.

Wednesday 18th – Thursday 19th June

‘Bye-bye, house,’ said Amanda, waiting to pull out behind the
removal van and glancing round at Jaden in the back. He was clutching his
teddy, unaware that he’d never come back to the only home he’d ever known.

‘Bye-bye-bye,’ he echoed, waving at nothing in particular.

Amanda grimaced. It was nap time, except there probably
wouldn’t be a nap today. She’d arranged to leave him with Eva for the duration
of the removal, but her friend had called that morning to say her
three-year-old had been up sick all night. So Jaden had witnessed the breaking
up of his home. Not that he seemed distressed in any way, thought Amanda. He
didn’t understand, of course, and he shared none of her own feelings about
leaving the house. All this was far, far away from where she’d been a few short
months ago.