Choices(Waiting for Forever BK 1) (41 page)

“Brian? Baby, can you hear me?” Adam was asking from some distance. He called me baby; Jamie was supposed to call me baby. I’d let another guy just step right into Jamie’s place, tried to fill the jagged hole in my chest, in my heart, with another warm body. My stomach lurched, and I thought I might be sick.

I held one hand up, silently pleading with him to give me a moment, or space, anything so I could come to terms with what I’d read. Closing my eyes and breathing deeply for the count of ten, I looked at the letter again. He’d thought about me every day since he’d left. He loved me. He wanted me to be happy. He couldn’t be selfish, and he couldn’t stand me being unhappy because of him. The letter was his way of giving me an out. He must have known that I’d be indecisive, that I’d have doubts. Jamie was the most selfless person I’d ever known, and this was his way of putting my needs before his.

He needed me.

I didn’t understand what he meant by “each day I am in this place” or “I’m leaving today now that you’re eighteen.” He was obviously not with his parents. Random options as to where he was shot through my head—a juvenile facility, a homeless shelter, a foster home. Jamie had turned eighteen months ago, so some of those weren’t likely. It would make it that much harder for me to find him because I had always assumed he’d be with his parents, and if I could find them, I could find him. I turned the envelope over again and saw the logo on the front. The Sunshine Center. The logo also had a return address in San Diego.

Setting the letter carefully on my pillow, I jumped off the bed, striding past a stunned-looking Adam, and pulled a large canvas duffel out of the closet. I threw it onto the bed, careful not to let it land on the letter, and set my school backpack next to it. Next, I started to empty my drawers. I could only take the essentials. I had to stay mobile. In my peripheral vision, I saw Adam walk over to the bed and pick up the letter. It didn’t matter now—everything was so clear, I knew what I needed to do.

I continued to pack as he read.

“Brian, wait a minute. This letter says he wants you to go to college, to have a life, not to go chasing after him. Brian, stop!” Adam grabbed my arm as I grabbed another stack of underwear from the drawer and shoved it roughly into the duffel.

“Get off me! I should have left already! I need to go.” I pulled my arm roughly out of his grasp. He didn’t understand.

“
Brian
!” Adam yelled, his voice breaking, and I dropped the bundle of T-shirts I was pushing into the duffel and turned to face him.

“What?” Knowing I’d have the rest of the night to sort out what I needed to do, I gave him my full attention. Adam had been my friend, my very best friend, for months and deserved for me to hear him out.

“You can’t do this,” he pleaded with me, and the fear, the desperation in his voice triggered my own guilt and insecurity. It was crazy, I knew that, but he just didn’t understand.

“Listen to me.” I let him take my hand and pull me to sit on the bed next to him. “Brian, he said that even he didn’t know where he was going to go. You could get there and he may not even be in the same state. Wouldn’t it be better to stay here, be here when he tries to contact you again?”

I had my answer ready. “No, it isn’t. First, I can be there in a matter of days, probably before he would be able to get out of state, if that’s even where he wanted to go. Second, if he tries to contact me again, my parents would get it, and they can call to relay the information. I understand you read in the letter that he’s giving up and trying to let me have a life without him, but I
know
him, Adam. I know him better than I know myself. He’s desperate and he’s scared.”

“What happens when you get there? He’s desperate and scared. What do you think you’re going to be after your money runs out? How are you going to help him?” Throwing his hands up in the air, he stood up and started to pace. As I watched him, it occurred to me that he really thought he’d be able to talk me out of going.

“Adam, I’m in love with him. I care about him more than I care about myself. If he’s in trouble, I have to go. I can’t go off to college and have a nice life knowing I just gave up on him, on us.”

Adam turned around and stared at the ceiling, and I could tell by his posture that he was trying not to let his emotions get the best of him. He didn’t want to cry in front of me.

“I can’t stand here and watch you destroy your life. Give me a call tomorrow,” he said.

“I’ll be gone tomorrow.”

He finally lost his battle, turning to lock his tearful gaze with my steady one.

“I love you, Brian. Please… please don’t go.”

I guess I should have seen it coming, but I hadn’t.

“I can’t, Adam. I have to go. He’s my best friend.” Adam flinched as if I had slapped him. It stung for him to hear that, but it was something he needed to know. Without another word, he turned and walked out of my bedroom. I stood there for several long minutes, hearing him slam the front door, start his car, and leave. Consoling myself that it was something that needed to happen, I finished packing and then went to find Richard and Carolyn.

Richard took the news much better than Carolyn, but neither of them took it well.

“Brian, I know you feel strongly that this is something that you have to do, but I wouldn’t be much of a father if I didn’t tell you that I think you’re making a mistake. We will stand by you, because we love you, but you should stay here and go to college, get a better foundation before you go looking for Jamie. I know you love him, I do, but this is the wrong way to go about it,” Richard said as the three of us sat at the kitchen table. They had both read the letter, and I had told them of my decision to leave for California the next day.

“You’re throwing away your future, and Jamie expressly said in his letter that he didn’t want that,” Carolyn reasoned, but I stood firm.

“I’m sorry, but I have to go. He was there for me in a time of my life when I needed him, and now I need to be there for him. I’m going to go upstairs now and print out the bus schedule, a list of jobs to apply for, and some rooms to rent. Can you take me to the bus station tomorrow?” Carolyn looked like she would say no, just as a reason to keep me here, but Richard nodded. He understood what it meant to move halfway across the country for someone you loved. After all, he’d done it himself to be with Carolyn.

“Thank you,” I told him and then walked around the table and hugged them both.

It was nearly two in the morning by the time I had everything ready. I’d left a note for Richard telling him there was a bus that left at three in the afternoon. It would take nearly forty-five minutes to get to the bus station, so I didn’t want to choose one that left too early. When I finally lay down in my bed, my eyes found the empty frame lying on my bedside table. I had taken out the picture of Jamie and me, the one trimmed of everything but us, and put it carefully in the back of my wallet. It felt strange seeing the frame empty after it had held the picture for so long, but it was just another sign that I was moving on to the next phase of my life. Like the empty drawers, and the packed duffel in the corner, my life was changing.

I thought I’d have a hard time sleeping, but packing and the excitement of the day had tired me out. When I closed my eyes, I didn’t open them again until the full midday Alabama sun penetrated them the next day. It was so bright in my room that at first, I panicked. I looked frantically at the clock on the bedside table. Seeing that it was just past noon, I relaxed a little, knowing we would not have to leave for another hour and a half, and I had done everything I needed to do.

Lying there under the light green comforter I’d used for the last six years, it occurred to me that I’d probably never sleep in that room again. Once I walked out that front door, it was likely I’d be gone for good. With no job training and no college degree, it would be difficult for me to afford to come back and visit Crayford and my parents. I was sure Richard and Carolyn knew that, and it was one of the reasons they were taking it so hard. I walked across the hall and showered, getting ready for my journey.

Lunch was a subdued affair. Carolyn made sausage and eggs with sides of pancakes. She didn’t say much as she cooked for me one last time. She’d also packed me a small soft-side cooler full of food for me to have on the bus. It was as much as I could carry with me while still carrying my duffel and backpack. They had me check to be sure I had my cell phone and charger in my backpack. It would be my lifeline to them in case of an emergency.

“I’m not sure how much we’ll be able to do for you at that distance, but call us anyway,” Richard said sternly, and I nodded.

Then it was time to go. The morning had gone so fast, and I panicked a little as we got into the car. I was scared, and I think they knew it because they didn’t argue with me or push me for the nearly hour-long ride to the bus station. The anticipation, the waiting as we stopped at each stoplight or pause in traffic, was excruciating. I wouldn’t back out, but I knew once I was on the bus I’d be able to look forward and not back, and I needed to look forward.

I used my debit card to buy my bus ticket. One-way, straight through from Mobile, Alabama, to San Diego, California, it would take more than two days.

“Please,” Richard said as we walked through the terminal out to where my bus was waiting for me. “Please, call us when you get there and let us know you’re okay. Then call us once a week after that. We… we can’t just not know whether our son is okay. Can you do that for us?”

“Of course, I will, and I’ll e-mail too,” I told him and wrapped my arms around Carolyn.

“Don’t worry about me, please, Mom. I’ll be okay,” I told her without much conviction. She accepted the hollow reassurances and clung to me before pulling away slowly. They’d just called the first boarding of the bus when I felt a hand on my shoulder. Turning, I saw Adam standing there, red-faced and sweating as if he had been running.

“I couldn’t… I couldn’t let it end that way,” he stammered, panting slightly. “Please, you have my e-mail address. Don’t forget about me when you’re off in California becoming rich and famous.” His joke was desperate, almost pleading.

“I won’t forget, and I’ll keep in touch, I promise.” I pulled him into a hug, regardless of anyone watching. We would just look like two brothers embracing. Well, until he kissed my cheek as we pulled away.

“I meant what I said,” he promised, holding my gaze for a moment before leaning down to pick up my backpack and hand it to me. I left a slow, lingering kiss on his forehead. After hugging Richard and Carolyn one last time, I picked up my stuff and headed for the open doors of the bus.

A nice, bored-looking man in a dark-blue uniform took my duffel and loaded it under the bus. Climbing up the stairs was the hardest thing I’d ever done. Only when I’d started to walk down the center aisle of the huge vehicle did I let the emotion cloud my face. The bus was relatively empty, so I was able to put my stuff in the seat next to me, and I looked out to find my family waving.

After ten minutes or so, the bus pulled away, and I waved again, watching my parents and my friend become smaller and smaller. Richard had his arms around Carolyn, and Carolyn had her hand on Adam’s shoulder. They were every reason I had to stay, but in the end, there was one reason, just as important, why I had to go.

I laid my palm on the filthy bus window, feeling part of my shattered heart remain with them.

About the Author

A
SURVIVOR
of the ex-gay residential institution The Sunshine Center, fictional author Jamie Mayfield went on to find his voice in novels. Always a great lover of books, Jamie found his passion as he began to pursue a liberal arts degree in creative writing. An avid reader, he’s a fan of gay romance, suspense, and horror—though not all in the same novel.

Jamie lives in San Diego with his fictional husband, Brian. He writes YA fiction as a way to let kids know that they have an entire LGBT family all around them. Above all, he wants them to know that they are not alone. It does get better.

Jamie Mayfield is a fictional character from the acclaimed Little Boy Lost series by female author J. P. Barnaby.

Website: http://www.JamieMayfield.com

Tumblr: http://JamieMayfieldYA.tumblr.com

Facebook: http://www.Facebook.com/JamieMayfieldYA

Twitter: http://www.Twitter.com/JamieMayfieldYA

Coming Soon

Waiting for Forever: Book Two

San Diego is so much more than Brian McAllister ever expected. He’s found friends, acceptance, encouragement, and an entire world of sexual adventure he never dared to imagine back in his little Alabama town. The only thing missing is Jamie. Encouraged by new friends Mike and Emilio, Brian builds a life for himself, haunted by a beaten and bruised boy no one seems to want to help.

Part Two: Fallen Angel

Dumped into gay rehab, blond-haired fallen angel Jamie Mayfield has been shunned by his parents and forced to find his own way. When Brian McAllister, the other half of his ravaged heart, explodes back into his precarious life, Jamie is astonished and dismayed. In the two years they’ve been apart, not a day has gone by that he hasn’t longed for Brian. How can Jamie protect Brian from the pain and brutalization of his life when he can’t even protect himself?