Choice Theory (23 page)

By now, this assumption is so widespread that a whole post-trauma care system has come into existence. This system consists of doctors, lawyers, and therapists who have a financial incentive
to convince the world that those who have been traumatized need help for what happened and compensation for their suffering. All this may be well intended, and the victims did indeed suffer, but it may also convince some of them to choose to perpetuate their suffering.

What is wrong with this assumption and the subsequent diagnosis of PTSD is that thousands of people who are exposed to huge amounts of trauma gather themselves together and deal with it. They do so because they have good relationships and a belief they are doing something worthwhile with their lives that they want to get back to doing. People who suffer so much disability after a trauma that they can’t go on with their lives do not usually have strong relationships and may not be doing anything they consider worthwhile with their lives.

For these people—uninjured physically—the choice to disable themselves after a trauma is widely supported by the common sense that we are all controlled from the outside and provides a good excuse for people who are not coping to escape from their own inadequacy. The possibility of insurance settlements helps them believe they have been disabled. I am concerned that money to compensate them is being diverted from people who have suffered more tangible injuries. I do not have the answer to this dilemma, but I think it would occur less in a choice theory society. The more we teach people that they can deal with what happens to them, the better off we all will be.

It is important to me that I not be seen as lacking compassion. I never tell people that they are choosing any painful or self-destructive symptoms. I help them to make better choices and better relationships and teach them some choice theory. In almost all instances, they are very pleased with the therapy and are willing to give up the symptoms or beliefs when they find better ways to take control of their lives. It is no kindness to treat unhappy people as helpless, hopeless, or inadequate, no matter what has happened to them. Kindness is having faith in the truth and that people can handle it and use it for their benefit. True compassion is helping people help themselves.

It has been my experience that helping people to look at a psychological problem as a choice is a liberating awareness. The mystery, the fear that something beyond their control has suddenly come over them, is removed. They can now learn that other choices are possible, and acting on those new, more effective choices sets them free to explore lives filled with creativity that does not harm them.

W
E OFTEN FALL
in love when we least expect to. Neither Robert nor Francesca was expecting to fall in love, but they were lonely, and their loneliness left them vulnerable. In that situation, all we have to do is come into contact with a person who is close to our picture of someone we could love, a picture we all carry in our quality worlds. If that person reciprocates, suddenly we are in love. Even if this picture is a fantasy and there can be no reciprocation, we enjoy the fantasy. I, for example, was deeply in love with both Ingrid Bergman and Audrey Hepburn for much of my early life.

Fantasy loves are rarely a problem; it is our tangible loves that often don’t work out. In the beginning it felt so good; we had found a person whom we seemed to be able to get very close to, and it was exciting. The closeness was partly sexual, but it went beyond sex. We had found a person who not only accepted us the way we were but accepted what we were trying to be. Whatever it
was, if we wanted it, he or she wanted us to have it.

It felt good to be with someone who, unlike most of the other people in our lives, did not judge us or want to change us. The world took on a rosy hue. With this person we could relax, and we laughed together at everything. It was fun to learn about someone who seemed to care for us without reservation. The more we learned about him or her, the better it felt. We had found someone with whom we could share our quality worlds with no fear of rejection, ridicule, criticism, blame, or complaint.

It is this willingness, even eagerness, to share your hopes and fears that defines love. As long as you can do so, you have a very good chance of staying in love.
If you can’t do this freely in the beginning, no matter how much it feels as if you are in love, your love is weak.
A weak love may be based more on hormones than freely sharing, and it will not last. Of course, most people who fall in love know nothing about their quality worlds; nevertheless, the experience is the same whether they know about it or not. But if you and the person you fall in love with know choice theory and know about your quality worlds, you can use this knowledge to stay in love with each other. From the beginning, you can make a pact to share a great deal of what is in your quality worlds and never criticize or complain about what has been shared.

Because it is impossible not to fantasize about others, you are not obligated to share your fantasies. To share them might be asking too much of your partner. But if you find that you can’t share what’s real, your love is beginning to fade. Francesca may have had fantasies of a man like Robert, but until he came along there was still a chance for Richard. After she admitted Robert to her quality world, there was no more chance for Richard. But there need not be anyone else for you to fall out of love. When there are differences, as there have to be the longer you know each other, you must work them out to stay in love. When you can’t, you are no longer in love.

Without choice theory, when there is a disagreement early in a relationship, instead of understanding that it is based on a real difference in your quality worlds, you may revert to external control
psychology and try to make your partner change. These early attempts to force the other to change are well expressed in the popular saying,
The honeymoon is over.
But that saying is indicative of the fact that in an external control society, few people expect that marriage is going to stay close to what it was in the beginning. The best that most people expect is that it won’t get much worse.

Choice theory is useful, even vital, well before marriage. To illustrate this belief, let me begin with a conversation I had with Tina a few months ago. Before this time, we had talked a little about choice theory, but it was mostly talk. It had not occurred to Tina to put it to work in her relationship with Kevin. Tina wanted Kevin to propose, but he was unwilling to commit. In a world in which both sex and love are widely available without marriage, what she was experiencing is common.

Tina knew enough of what we talked about to have some awareness that the external control psychology she was using was not working. But knowing it wasn’t working doesn’t mean that it was easy for her to switch to choice theory. To make this change, she would have to admit that the only person’s behavior she could control is her own, that she had no control over what Kevin chose to do. We must be willing to make this difficult admission if we are to use choice theory in our lives.

Tina is twenty-eight and competent in almost all aspects of her life. She is a high school drama teacher who does community theater in the evenings when she is not rehearsing a school production. Kevin, aged thirty, is an up-and-coming assistant principal of a nearby middle school, with an interest in physical fitness. He and Tina have been going together for two years. They seem compatible, have a common interest in education, and think they love each other. She doesn’t mind waiting, but she wants a family and needs some reassurance that marriage is a possibility. She wanted my advice on how to get from where they are to marriage. She didn’t expect me to tell her exactly what to do, but she was becoming more and more frustrated.

“You know the story, I’ve talked to you about Kevin. We’ve
spent over a year and a half with each other and enjoy each other’s company both socially and sexually. After the last time you and I talked, I even went through our need strengths with him, and we are very compatible. We have traveled together, but we don’t live together because I don’t want to play at being married. After I give up my apartment, I don’t want to chance being told that what we have isn’t going to work. So how do we get beyond this point? I’m starting to wonder if we should even try. This constant worry about where we’re going is having a bad effect on how I feel about myself. It’s gotten to the point where I’m not even sure I love him anymore.”

“Tina, if you didn’t love him, I don’t think we’d be having this talk. All I can tell you is what I’ve told you before: The only person you can control is yourself. OK, OK, I know I’ve said that a lot, but you can’t make him love you or marry you. You can’t make him do anything. If you try, it will make things worse.”

“So I should just wait. Let him string me along. Doesn’t what I want count?”

“Absolutely it counts. But as unhappy as you are now is nothing compared to how miserable you’ll be if you push him into a marriage and it doesn’t work out.”

“I know that. That’s why I don’t even want to risk moving in with him. So
you
tell
me,
where am I?”

I paused here to think. That was a difficult question. I’m not sure even Kevin knows where they are. There is no sense trying to answer it. Instead I decided to focus on what she can control. That’s the only sensible place for me to be.

“Let’s let that question go for a while. I wonder if you could tell me what marriage means to you. What’s your idea of marriage?”

“It’s us living together; committed to each other; enjoying each other; and having a family, a home, a life together.”

“I don’t think anyone would disagree with that perfectly reasonable picture of marriage. Now this may seem to be a silly question, but it isn’t. How is that picture different from being single, I mean being single right now, with what you have with Kevin?”

“How is it different? It’s way different. I don’t have him. I want him and I don’t have him. He’s kind, he’s loving, he tells me he loves me, we have good sex together. But there’s this thing. The way he behaves. It’s like most of the time when we reach out to each other only the tips of our fingers touch. I’m never sure of him. I want to be married. I think I’d feel sure of him if we got married.”

“Is he sure of you?”

“I think he’s more sure of me than I am of him. He knows I want to marry him; he knows I don’t have anyone else. It’s different for a man; he can wait, he can wait for ten years, more maybe, but I can’t. You’re a reality therapist; his reality is different from mine. He can wait and still have a family. I know a man sixty who is starting a family with a young woman.”

“You’re right, reality is not the same for any of us. His and yours are different. But you have to go with yours; you have no control over his. And your reality is that right now you’re very unsure of him. If that doesn’t change, the future won’t make much difference.”

“But that’s what I’ve been telling you. What are you trying to tell me?”

“I’m trying to tell you that you shouldn’t even think about marrying him until you are convinced he wants you for a wife, so you can say, ‘He and I feel very sure of each other.’ You can’t predict the future, but if you can get that far, you have a chance for a future with him.”

“But that’s what I’ve just told you. I don’t see how this is helping me.”

“No, it’s not exactly what you’ve told me. You’ve told me that if he’d marry you, which right now he won’t, you’d be more sure of him. Like marriage sort of guarantees the future. But nothing guarantees the future. Certainly marriage doesn’t. You know a lot of divorced people; they had no guaranteed future. But Tina, listen, the way you are with Kevin, you don’t even have a good present; you’re not enjoying him very much right now. I think that’s your problem—the present, not the future.”

“But I’m doing all I can. I love him, I go places with him, I told you I don’t want to move in with him. What more can I do?”

“I think you can stop talking about the future, stop implying there’s even going to be a future. All this talk about the future is killing what you have now. Focus on getting along with him much better than you ever have, maybe better than it was in the beginning. You have no control over the future. He knows you want to marry him; you don’t have to keep reminding him.”

“OK, I stop mentioning marriage and our future and we get along great. How long am I supposed to play this role?”

“What role? Is it a role?”

“Of course, it’s a role. I want to get married or get a commitment from him. I don’t want to be loving, forget-about-the-future friends. That’s not enough for me.”

“I know it’s not enough, but right now it’s where you are. And there is nothing you can do to change it. You can’t make him do anything. Even if you could, I don’t think you’d want to force him into marriage if he doesn’t want it. If you want a future with him, all you can do now is improve what you have. Get rid of all this future tension. To hang on trying to make him do what he doesn’t want to do makes no sense. Like I said, you can’t predict the future even if you get married. All you have any control over is what you do right now. Life is like auditioning for a part in a play. All you can control is what you do. That’s all you can do with Kevin. If you want the part, do the best you can. You keep trying to force him to think about the future, and you’re both uncomfortable. A good present has a chance to lead to a good future. A lousy present has a very good chance to lead to a lousy future or no future.”