Chocolate Girls with Golden Hair (13 page)

"Don't mock me, I'm not Michelle. I'll
hurt you, you little witch."

"Witch?" Bianca smiled, almost
flattered. "Don't you mean bitch?"

"Bitch," Camina said
sharply.

"Thank you," Bianca said.

It was harmony to Bianca's ears knowing
she stirred such anger in Camina.

"You really think Bruce is interested
in you?" Camina asked.

"Why wouldn't he be?"

"Did you forget he is
married?"

"I didn't forget and neither did
you?"

"Well, Bruce doesn't need your help.
That is what he has me for."

In a huff, Camina shuffled out of the
lunchroom, but before she made it through the door, Bianca called
to her as she rushed towards her. "Camina."

Camina didn't turn around but she
stopped in her tracks, giving Bianca just enough time to catch up
with her. Bianca stood in front of her and ran her hands over her
shoulder padded suit jacket. "You see, we have the same taste in
clothes. And men."

Camina turned up her nose and stepped
away. Bianca could not help but laugh to herself. Finally, she
delivered to Camina a dose of her own tactics, and it felt
great.

Monday afternoon, Bianca sat across
from Dr. Kern, her legs crossed as she absorbed the emotionless
expression on his face.

Why was he so quiet?

She stared across at his yellow
starched shirt and an idea came to mind. To garner his attention
and maybe even shake him up a bit, she would share with him her
most recent encounter with Rod Bigg. That was certain to stir some
emotion in him.

"So, doctor, last week I went to a bar,
picked up a man and went home with him."

Just as Bianca predicted, Dr. Kern
awakened from his comatose like state. He shifted positions in his
recliner and brought the chair to an upright position. From the
table next to him, he grabbed his note pad. "And then what
happened?"

"Not much of anything. I told him he
needed to learn to respect women and to be careful who he let come
home with him."

"And how did he respond to
that?"

"He didn't."

"What else happened?"

Bianca could tell where this line of
questioning was headed, and she continued to play along. "I wrapped
a belt around his neck, nice and tight."

Dr. Kern sat forward, seemingly,
intrigued and shocked. "Why did you do that?"

"Why does anyone do anything? 'Cause
it's exciting."

A brief silence fell over the room as
Dr. Kern scribbled notes on his pad in front of him. "Where is he
now?"

"Nothing happened, Dr. Kern. I didn't
hurt him, if that's what you're worried about."

"I didn't think that you
did."

"Yeah, but that's what you were
thinking."

Ever since Bianca came into his office,
she planned to share with him her reasons for making that afternoon
her last visit, but she didn't quite know how to casually bring it
up after having put it off for so long. Then, instantaneously, the
words came to her and rolled off her tongue. "Dr. Kern, I don't
want to sound uncaring, but I don't really need to meet with you
anymore. I'm not depressed, and I've come to grips with my family's
death and all that other sad shit."

"By taking on a new
persona?"

"Whatever works."

"And this is working for
you?"

Dr. Kern's resistance to her leaving
was a real shocker. For several weeks, she sat with him, never
completely sure if he was awake or not. And now for the first time,
she got a glimpse of the emotion he kept hidden inside for so long.
Somehow that afternoon she managed to rouse him twice, and she
found it intriguing and welcoming. He was a real person after
all.

"You know what I think?" Bianca sat
forward. "I think this is the person who I was all along, and it
was just hidden deep inside, and it took something as traumatic as
my family's death to bring it out."

"You really believe that?" he asked
her.

"I know it."

The doubtful expression on his face
alarmed her as she stared at him, trying to figure out what he was
thinking.

"What do you think?" she asked
curiously.

"I think you're behaving this way to
run away from what's really going on."

Bianca stood up and moved her purse
strap upon her shoulder. "You're welcome to your opinion, Dr.
Kern."

Bianca headed towards the door, her
back to Dr. Kern.

"This is all about your sister, isn't
it?" he asked her.

"Maybe," Bianca said without turning
around. "My sister may have gone too far, but at least she knew how
to have fun and how to live."

"I'm concerned about you, Bianca. This
idea of yours could present repercussions that you haven't fully
realized."

"No, it won't. I'm in complete control
of my actions."

"How will you know when to
stop?"

His words left a bug in her ear, and
she didn't quite know how to answer, but she trusted her instincts.
She trusted that when the time came she would know when to stop.
When she stepped from Dr. Kern's office, she glanced at the name on
the door: Kenneth Kern, Ph.D. and nostalgia crept its way inside
her head. She remembered all the times he listened to her at a time
when she really needed to be heard. And now their relationship had
come to an end, and this time she would not be back.

On Bianca's way home, she kept thinking
about her sister, Sandy. Over the last few days she had tried
several times to reach her in the mirror, but it was useless. It
was strange not connecting with her because she seemed to always
have a sense for when Bianca needed her the most. She couldn't help
but think that maybe it stemmed from Bianca's new look and
persona.

She hoped not, because Bianca liked her
new look and new attitude and she refused to dispel it. As Bianca
continued to think about it, she was convinced that Sandy had
stayed away and would continue to stay away for as long as Bianca
portrayed her sister's persona. She was now BeeBee, and she had no
intentions of ever returning to the person she used to
be.

Saturday afternoon, Bianca and Lee
retired back to Bianca's apartment after spending most of the
morning at the Lincoln Park Zoo. Bianca ordered pizza and rented a
copy of Titanic. When the credits rolled on the television screen,
Bianca sat perfectly still, her red and white polk a-dot pillow
pressed against her chest. She wondered if she made the right
decision in discontinuing her visits with Dr. Kern. His words of
warning, along with everyone else's, weighed on her mind, and it
troubled her.

Bianca removed Lee's Kangol cap and
then ran her fingers through his hair. "I don't know why you wear
that cap. You have such beautiful hair."

Lee smiled at her. "Are you sure you
don't want to marry me?"

"Maybe one day," she answered
him.

"You mean that?"

"Of course I mean it. I wouldn't say it
if I didn't mean it."

"If I tell you something, will you
promise not to take it the wrong way?"

"Lee, you know I can't promise that,
but you can tell me anyway."

Lee hesitated for a moment, then said.
"As pretty as your blonde hair is, I like your black hair much
better."

"Really?" she questioned, then turned
away.

"What's wrong?"

"It's just that I'm happy for once and
everyone seems to want to take that from me."

"No one wants to take your happiness
away from you, but you have to admit this change of yours was
pretty drastic."

"You don't like it?"

"I'm not denying how well you look.
You're a beautiful woman, always have been and always will
be."

"But?" Bianca asked, knowing that he
surely had more to say.

"It's the attitude."

A defensive streak came over Bianca,
and she headed into the kitchen, grabbed the Chardonnay from the
refrigerator and poured herself a drink. Lee was quick to join her
at the kitchen table and just as Bianca raised the glass to her
mouth, he asked, "Does that really help?"

She lowered the glass and set it on the
counter. "Are you trying to say something?" she asked
him.

"There's a chapter in the book I gave
to you titled, Make Peace with Imperfection. Did you read
it?"

"What difference does it make? And what
does it have to do with anything?"

"Everything. You make this huge,
impulsive change, and then you expect your life to be perfect, but
life isn't like that."

Bianca opened her mouth, and was about
to say something when Lee interrupted. "You think my life is
perfect?" he questioned. "Do you?"

"I guess not."

"No. It's not perfect, and your life
won't be either," Lee continued. "That's why your past
relationships have been so short lived, because you're searching
for perfection, and you're not going to find it."

"That's not true. I don't expect people
to be perfect."

"Yes, you do."

"No, I don't."

"Yes. You do. That's why we aren't
together, because I'm not perfect enough for you. I'm shorter than
you are, and I used to be engaged to your sister."

Bianca opened her mouth, about to
retort, but nothing came out. At that moment whatever words came
from her lips would be an out and out lie.

"Do you deny it?" he asked.

Lee took her for a loop and she could
not escape his shrewd words. And as much as she hated to admit it,
he was absolutely right and she was ashamed. He read her like a
book, and it shook her to the core.

How was he to know her reservations for
becoming intimately involved with him?

Supposedly it was a secret that somehow
made its way out, and she was clothed in embarrassment. Speechless,
she sat there, watching Lee watch her.

"The truth hurts, doesn't it?" he said
to her.

What was she going to say
now?

"I'm sorry, Lee."

"You don't have to apologize. I just
want you to be aware of it."

It was hard to believe that someone as
young as Lee could speak with so much wisdom. Though so much of
what he said was correct, it didn't change things.

"I don't want you to think I don't
appreciate your concern," she said. "Because I do. I really do, but
I'm nobody's angel, and I can't go back to the person I used to
be."

With Bianca caught up with her work and
her boss in meetings most of the day, not much was happening, and
she saw no reason to stick around any longer. She studied herself
in her compact mirror and applied two even coats of her glossy
lipstick. She then headed towards the walk-in coat closet. As she
passed Camina's desk, she could not bypass an opportunity to
torment her. Though they rarely spoke to one another, they
constantly ran into each other in passing and never shared so much
as a glance.

Camina was sitting at her desk, very
busy at her computer when Bianca approached and stood over Camina's
desk and stared down at the top of Camina's head. Camina was so
good at vanishing whenever they shared words but this time Camina
would have nowhere to run. She would be forced to acknowledge
Bianca's presence and listen to the banter from Bianca's mouth that
Bianca so loved to dish out.

Patiently, Bianca pushed her hair
behind her left ear and waited for Camina to look up from her
computer screen.

Only a few awkward moments elapsed
before Camina finally lifted her head. "What do you
want?"

"That's not a very nice way to greet
someone," Bianca said to her.

"Who said anything about greeting
you?"

"I just wanted to tell you that I saw
Bruce in the elevator this afternoon, and he was looking pretty
hot."

Camina didn't respond. Instead, she
rolled her eyes and returned her attention to the computer screen
in front of her.

Bianca continued to stand there, hoping
Camina would snap or do something, but nothing. Obviously, Camina
wasn't going to match wits with her that afternoon.

"I just thought you should know,"
Bianca said, before she made an elegant exit down the
hall.

Bianca left work early. She was full of
energy and not quite ready to retire to her apartment just yet. She
quickly remembered something that she was always in the mood
for─shopping. Right away, she headed for Macy's on State Street.
Never before did she make such a big fuss about her attire, but she
saw things so differently now. She wanted to look good all the time
because when she looked good, she felt good.

At the perfume counter, she sampled her
late sister's favorite perfume: Cool Water Woman. She sprayed it
lightly against her wrist and enjoyed the tropical scent. Though
she wasn't much of a perfume person, things were changing for her
so rapidly, and she found herself evolving more into her sister
every day.