CHERISH (28 page)

I reflect on how crazy I acted. The things I said. I try to push it away. Beckett looks so peaceful. All the parts of me that he lights up start to stir, and I feel like a piece of me has come home.

To think, twelve hours ago I never wanted to see him again. I think I was even screaming about giving away the baby. My head feels heavy and hazy, but I am connected to reality again.

I watch the clear drops of the IV fluid flow down through the plastic tube into my arm. The skin around the needle is black and blue. I remember yanking it out yesterday when I jumped out of the bed because I thought the nurse and orderly had come to hurt me.

Sheer, abject terror had taken over every rational and logical sense. It was like everyone was against me. Some terrible plot had been devised and I was at the center of some grand conspiracy.

The room is cool and the blankets shift off one of my legs. My butt tingles like it’s asleep. Probably from laying on it for so damn long. Since I had my little outburst yesterday, I’ve been laying in this bed. My muscles feel sore and twitchy, like they need to move.

The nagging itch to know what happened in Egypt kills me. Steals my breath at the thought. I want to see Jordan. To hold him and laugh with him. To give him as many Snickers bars as his belly can hold.

I trust Beck so much. I knew he’d bring Jordan home. I knew he would make it all okay. That’s what my gorgeous warrior does. He makes everything okay.

I want to wake him, but knowing him, he’s slept less in the days since he’s been gone than most people do in a single night.

I brush the tips of my fingers over the short texture of his dark hair. He wears a white t-shirt, taut across his back, and his head rests on his forearm next to me. If I could pull him up and into the bed with me I would. I want to feel the comfort of his body curled next to mine.

His arms fit perfectly around my waist when he lays behind me. The pull of his energy; the force of his confidence. He is my safe place. After the last few days, I am horrified that I’d kept something from him yet again.

Something that turned what would have been a blip on the radar to a full blown trip to crazytown. An ache overpowers my chest. As much as I am comforted by his presence, I am heartbroken that I’ve hurt him.

I will own up and hope that he will stick by me.

Again.

The bit of light in the room glances off the diamonds on my ring finger. My belly flutters as I settle my eyes on Beckett’s face. He looks as magnificent now as he did the first day I laid eyes on him.

Something else tickles down lower in me.

It’s been days. Okay, so I was out of my mind. But still,
days
since we’ve made love. And I have to say my body has grown quite fond of his hands, his mouth and everything else. I suppose I’m addicted to the way he handles me, rough and soft, demanding and giving. I think of him holding my arms over my head, backing me up against the wall and sinking his fingers between my legs, all while his crazy, blue-green eyes look deep into mine. Watching me as he makes me cum, over and over.

Just as I’m thinking how horrible I am for getting all tingly in my girl parts while I lay here in my hospital gown, Beckett lifts his head and his dreamy eyes barely focus. The last thing I should be feeling is horny. I still don’t know where my brother is or what happened in Egypt.

“Hey, babe.” He reaches his hand up to cup my cheek. He clears his throat, sits up, then lifts his face forward to meet my lips in a needy kiss.

He is warm, soft and safe, and I want to crawl into his lap.

“How’s my girl? Had yourself a little excitement?” He coughs, stretching his torso back, pulling his shoulders up and down as he cracks his neck.

“Yeah.” I’m contrite as he twists and snaps his neck three times and I cringe at the
pop-pop-pop
. You would think by now I would be used to it, but I’m not. I shiver every time he does it. Something inside me quivers thinking he’s going to push just a little too hard and bam, that’s all she wrote. No more walking for you, Mr. Fitzgerald. I pull at the top edge of the blanket, raising it up toward my neck. “I screwed up. Again.”

“Not a chance. Not my girl.” He leans over and plants his lips on the top of my head as I squirm against the pillows to pull myself into a sitting position.

“I’m sorry.” I clutch the top of the blanket and hold it at the base of my throat.

Beck lets out a deep sigh and shrugs one shoulder. He opens his mouth to say something, but the door to the room opens with a simultaneous knock.

“I’ll get your fanny over my knee soon enough,” he whispers quickly, before turning back toward me. “Remember? I told you. Whatever happens, anything, we can get through it. You just give it to me, babe. Give it all to me. I’m strong enough to face down your demons. We’ll work through it and move forward. Always forward, okay?”

I grin, crinkle up my nose and wonder how in the world he can be so forgiving. So steady and stable in the shadow of my own unique brand of crazy.

Because he has his own unique brand of crazy too I guess.

Have you ever had a stomach ache so bad you honestly wished you were dead? Maybe not literally, but you just can’t imagine living with the pain even one more moment. Then, there is that teetering second, that split second when you realize the pain isn’t as bad as it was the second before. You hold your breath, something lights up in your brain, then the next second is better, and the next and the next. And you realize how thankful you should be for every second you aren’t in that kind of pain. That’s how I feel now. Thankful.

Beckett and I turn to see a young woman dressed in scrubs, rolling in a machine. Trailing in behind her is another, older woman, with a lab coat and a ponytail with purple reading glasses perched on the end of her nose. I want to tell them we need a minute, because I need news about Jordan. But instead I take an unsteady breath and decide to wait.

“What?” The older woman looks around the room with a chuckle. “It’s dark in here. We need it dark, but I’m gonna turn on one little light, okay?” I catch her enthusiasm as she turns the corner and reaches into the open bathroom door, finds the wall switch and sends a wash of light across the room.

“You were both sound asleep when we came up about two o’clock.” She grins and looks down at the clipboard in her hand. “Promise? Right? Your name is Promise Fitzgerald?” Her smile lights up her face. I can see her eyes are emerald green, and her skin is deep olive. Her nose is dotted with freckles.

“Yes.” I smile back, still not completely sure who she is or why they are here.

“And you, sir. You are?” Her playful tone resonates as she looks Beckett up and down with a nod of her head.

“Beckett Fitzgerald.” He’s on his feet in a flash, holding out his hand.

She gives Beckett a cheeky smile as he towers in front of her, and I don’t fault her for taking in all the magnificence of him. “Dr. Melody Fraser. I’m an OB on call here. We’re going to do a quick ultrasound. Sound good?”

I nod along with Beckett, her bubbly personality helping add light to the room.

“Good!” She sounds as happy as if she were about to see her own baby for the first time. “And then, after that, I’m going to do a bit of checking around.” She looks at me, then at Beckett, then back. “He can stay or he can wait outside, up to you.”

“Stay,” we say in unison, which elicits another broad grin from the doctor.

“Good. I like when you men aren’t afraid to know all about
everything
.”

“I want it all.” He looks down at me and squeezes my foot under the blanket.

“Great! My kind of man. Let’s get going! Tabitha will do the honors and I will be right here telling you everything you’re seeing.”

“Seeing and hearing? Will we hear the heartbeat?” Beckett sounds as excited as that kid asking Santa for his Red Rider BB gun.

“That’s the plan, Mr. Fitzgerald. That’s the plan.” Dr. Fraser steps to the other side of the bed and pats my hand. I clutch the blanket at my neck as the ultrasound technician sets up her machine next to the bed.

The next hour belongs to us. All us. There are other people in the room, but Beckett and I are only with each other. The moment we hear that little ‘
whish whish whish
’ sound, we know.

We know a different meaning for the word love.

We know there are no forces in the universe that are stronger than our bond at that moment.

There are moments in life when you touch something infinite. They are glimpses into something that exists around us, yet we rarely stop to experience it.

When I was eight, before the state took me from Holly permanently, Jeremy came to pick me up. One of the neighbors called the police because Holly and her boyfriend-of-the-week were both drunk and disturbing the peace.

Dusk was falling. I was in the back of Jeremy’s car. He was driving me to a temporary emergency house for the night. I wouldn’t talk, I just stared out the window, fighting the tears.

We came around a wide turn in the road. The trees on the passenger side of the road opened up and a beautiful lake appeared. I remember the lights twinkling in the pretty houses that surrounded the water as I wondered what it was like to be part of a family that lived in a house on a lake. The sun inched its way lower, and when it finally connected with the watery horizon of the lake, it exploded into a blaze of color.

I was frozen, wishing the car would break down so I could stare at it forever. The sun and the water connected, spinning into something so much better than the sum of their parts. Where they touched, a separate being was born. Colors so brilliant, I thought they must be alive.

That is what I feel right now. About what Beckett and I have made.

“Babe.” Beckett lays his head on my shoulder. The ultrasound shows the quivering heart of the tiny being resting inside me and he chokes out the single word, streams of tears breaking over his lower lids as he brings his hands and lips up to my face.

I know that the joy is going to last this time. Everything is right with the world. Jordan, Beckett, the baby. I close my eyes as I let him kiss me.

Beckett

She’s so beautiful. Her unique eyes are wide, watching the screen with a smile that shoots stars into my heart. My chest feels so full. Like there is only so much love you can have for someone before you burst under its weight.

The tech finishes up and cleans the blue jelly from Promise’s angel white skin with a smile. The next half hour is spent with Dr. Fraser gently walking Promise through a full exam. I hold her trembling hand, standing by her side while telling her everything will be okay. In the pit of my stomach, I push away thoughts of Jordan. All that matters is my family.

There is no way to describe this moment. A joy like I’ve never felt courses through me. Then, rage and sorrow arrives to beat it down and I have to fight my tears. My weakness. My angel lays here so vulnerable and so strong. Still trusting me, even when she shouldn’t. My heart skips. I know in a few minutes I will have to break her heart again.

She may unravel. She may try to kill me with her words. Or with something sharp. But I will stick by her, no matter what, because she owns me. Body and soul.

I’ve thought of a thousand combinations of words and none of them will make the news easier to bear. How do I tell her that not only is Jordan not with me, but I don’t even fucking know if he’s alive? What are the right words to convey that message?

My mind goes blank. Because there aren’t any fucking words to say it. Not any that will make it all right.

The sickness twists in my gut, but I look down and give my girl a reassuring smile. This exam is hard for her, but I’m fucking proud as hell of her for facing down her fear.

“It’s okay, babe. You’re doing great.”

“All done. Very good, Promise.” The doctor stands and heads to the sink, stripping off her rubber gloves with a snap and tossing them in the metal trash can.

“You feel like you are about seven to eight weeks.”

Promise grins at me.

“You got right to work, didn't you?” she whispers and I lean down and lay my lips on hers, holding them there and listening to the sound of her breath. I’m barely able to draw my own. I'm just enjoying this moment because I don't know if it might be all about to blow up in my face.

“Congratulations.” Dr. Fraser’s smile conveys her calm sincerity. “We will talk more tomorrow, okay? The medication shouldn’t have any ill effects on the baby. We need to arrange a new doctor for you outside of here and get you on a safe program to wean you off the medication if that’s what you choose to do.”

A few pleasantries and she’s out the door, whistling, leaving me looking at the world as a most precious gift.

I want to wait and bask in the euphoria of the moment, but before she asks, I need to tell.

“Babe.” I steady myself, struggling for right words. None come so I settle for the truth. “It’s about Jordan.” I squeeze her hand and fight to keep my eyes on hers.

The pain heightens when she smiles and the pools of her blue eyes flicker with excitement. “Tell me everything. Where is he? Is he home at Bruce’s? Does he look okay? He didn’t get hurt while he was there did he? Is he eating enough? When is he coming to see me? Oh my gosh! No one told him what happened, did they? I don’t want him to know, okay?”