Checkmate (11 page)

Hello, Daddy,

It's my birthday tomorrow, but I didn't have a very good day today. I was searching through Mum's wardrobe trying to find my birthday present and guess what I found? A diary. Mum's diary. I opened it and an old piece of folded paper fell out. I looked around but luckily no one was behind me. Mum would get all stressy if she caught me searching for my birthday present. I lifted up one corner of the folded paper, but it was just handwriting
–
nothing interesting. I put the tatty bit of paper back and flicked through the rest of the diary. My mum's got terrible writing. I could only recognize the odd word. I flicked through it but there were no drawings or anything. Nothing to make it interesting. But then, right at the back of the diary there was a photo. It was a Nought man with his arm around the shoulders of a Cross girl. And they were both grinning away and they looked so happy. I looked closer. And guess what? It was Mum! She looked so young.
And who was the Nought man? Was it . . . maybe it was my dad? I bent even closer to the photograph to get a really good look. He smiled like me, with his mouth and his eyes. Our faces weren't the same shape but our eyes were. Was this really my dad? I took out the photo and put the diary back where I'd found it. Then I headed downstairs.

Mum was in the kitchen, getting herself a glass of orange juice.

'Mum, is this my dad?'

Mum came over to get a closer look at the photo. And when she saw it, her face changed faster than a blink. She turned to me, her expression sharp as broken glass.

'Where did you get that?' Her voice was strangely quiet.

I could've sworn she was going to shout. Looking at her, I think it would've been better if she had shouted.

'Callie Rose Hadley, I asked you a question.'

Mum was using my whole, full name. I was for it now. 'I found it.'

'Found it
–
where?'

I decided to say nothing now. Mum looked like a kettle about to boil.

'Did you go searching through my wardrobe? ANSWER ME.'

'Yes, Mummy.'

Mum drew back her hand and it came rushing towards my face as she went to slap me. But then her hand froze just a couple of centimetres away from my cheek. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. Mum's open hand turned into a fist – I could see it out of the corner of my eye. Then her hand dropped to her side. My face was wet.
I was crying and I hadn't even realized. Mum looked at me. I looked at Mum. Neither of us spoke.

'What're you crying for?' said Mum fiercely. 'I didn't hit you, did I?'

But she was going to. Mum had never hit me before. She'd never even tried. Until now.

'Give me that photo,' Mum demanded.

I handed it over without a word.

'Now go to your room and stay there until I call you,' said Mum.

I ran away. I didn't want to be anywhere near Mum. She was actually going to hit me. And all I'd done was ask about a photograph. If that was the way she was going to be, I'd never ask her anything again. Never, ever.

God, forgive me.

Callum, forgive me.

I'm so sorry, Callie Rose. I wouldn't've done it. I wouldn't've hit you. I promised . . . I promised anyone who would listen that I'd never hurt you again. Never in a million years.

But I came so close.

Fear drove my hand. Fear of the past. Fear of the future. Fear of questions. Fear of answers.

Look at us, Callum. We were so happy in this photo. I'd almost forgotten I had it. Look at us, ready to take on the world. We had each other so it was a fight we couldn't lose.

But we did.

Seeing the photo after all these years made it all come rushing back. And I almost took it out on my daughter.

I'm so sorry, Callie Rose.

I'm so, so sorry.

Nana Meggie and Mum sat at opposite ends of the room, ignoring each other. Maybe ignoring was too strong a word. They weren't exactly uninterested in each other, not the way that married couple are in Nana Meggie's favourite soap on the TV. (The programme really sucks! And Mum agrees! Talk about unbelievable! I mean, how long can one restaurant owner date four brothers all at the same time without any of them finding out? And she still finds the time to run the restaurant, buy and run a nightclub and bring up her sister's two children. I mean, get real!) Nana and Mum were doing their 'I'm not talking first' routine. They'd both talk to me but would only answer each other. And since no one wanted to ask anything and be the first to crack the silence, it was left to me to do it all. Again.

I wish I could figure out what's wrong with the two of them.

Sometimes, it gets so cold when they are together that I have to leave the room before my toes drop off from frostbite. In fact, I was just standing up when Tobey ambled into the room.

'Hi, everyone.' Tobey smiled.

'How did you get in?' I frowned.

'The back door was open.'

'Which isn't an open invitation for you to just swan in any time you feel like it,' Nana Meggie snapped.

I wasn't the only one who was surprised. Since when did Nana Meggie mind when Tobey visited?

'He doesn't mean any harm,' Mum said quietly.

'That's not the point. This isn't his house. He could at least knock first,' said Nana.

'Come on, Tobey. Let's go outside,' I suggested.

As we left the room, I turned to frown at Nana Meggie but she didn't see it. She was too busy scowling at Tobey like he'd trodden on her bunions and kicked both her shins.

'What's up with your grandma?' Tobey whispered as I closed the door.

'No idea.' I shrugged. I was heading towards the kitchen when I had an excellent idea (even if I do say so myself!). I pointed to the living-room door. Tobey caught on immediately and we tiptoed back to listen at the door.

'. . . not the sort of thing you of all people should be encouraging,' Nana Meggie said.

'For goodness' sake, she's ten, he's eleven.'

'So? You and Callum were younger.'

'Meggie, just what are you implying?'

'I'm just saying that Callie and Tobey are good friends and they're growing up,' said Nana Meggie. 'I just don't want to see Callie hurt the way . . . the way . . .'

'The way Callum was,' Mum finished for her.

'I was thinking of you as well as my son. Callie has a chance to make something of her life.'

'And you think being friends with Tobey is going to hold her back?'

'Tobey is so laid back, he's horizontal,' Meggie said testily.

I turned to grin at Tobey, but to my surprise he had a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.

'Tobey has plenty of time to make up his mind what he's going to do with the rest of his life,' said Mum.

'I just don't want his bad habits rubbing off on Callie Rose . . .'

'What bad habits? He doesn't pick his nose and eat it – at least, not in front of me. He doesn't coat door handles in his ear wax. What bad habits are you on about?'

The room went quiet.

'Meggie, you of all people . . .'

'. . . know what the world is like. This society expects the least and condemns the most when it comes to my son and Tobey and all other nought men.'

'Callum died over ten years ago. Things have got better

'Better for who?' asked Meggie. 'I used to love swimming at the local baths. I was even considering joining the gym on my doctor's recommendation, just to keep my body active. Well, did you ever wonder why I stopped going? 'Cause all the cleaners and serving staff at the local gym and pool are noughts, but the reception staff are all Crosses and the managers are all Crosses. That's why. Since Callie started school, has she had any nought teachers? I don't think so. And I still can't walk around the local bookshop or jewellery store without some idiot following me around. Where's this "better" that everyone keeps telling me about?'

'I know there's still a long way to go, I'm not denying that. But Tobey has a chance to go to university and do any job he wants to do,' I tried. 'That wasn't the case when Callum was alive.'

'And that's my point. Tobey has so many doors open to him that my son never had. And what does he plan to do? In his words, as little as possible. Tobey has no drive, no ambition.'

'He's
eleven,'
Mum argued. 'He's not even in secondary school yet. Give the boy a chance.'

'I'm just saying that Callie can do better
–
and I hope she knows it.'

'By better, d'you mean Rose should marry a Cross when she grows up?'

Tobey's expression was now as hard as the granite worktops in Nana Jasmine's kitchen. He straightened up and looked directly at me but he was still listening to what was going on inside the living room. By now, I was kicking myself on both bum cheeks for suggesting that we eavesdrop in the first place.

'I don't want Callie to get hurt,' said Nana Meggie. 'And being with Tobey or any other nought is going to cause problems for her.'

'I didn't realize you had Callie Rose's life mapped out in such detail,' said Mum. 'If you deign to let me know what you have planned for her tomorrow and the day after, I'll try not to deviate from your schedule.'

'There's no need for that. I just want Callie to be happy, that's all. She deserves to be happy.'

Tobey spun round and headed towards the kitchen. I wanted to go into the living room and tell off Nana Meggie for being so mean about him, but Tobey was getting further and further away.

'Tobey, wait,' I called after him.

But he didn't wait.

I ran after him, grabbing his arm to stop him stalking off. But he shrugged me off and carried on moving.

'Tobey, I didn't say it,' I protested.

'Maybe you think the same, that I'm not good enough for you,' said Tobey.

I stared at him. 'You know me better than that. Or you should.'

'I'm going home. Next time I come round, I'll ring the doorbell first.'

'Don't be daft,' I said. 'You've never rung our bell in your life.'

'Maybe I should start.'

'Tell you what,' I said crossly. 'After you've rung our bell and we've let you in, you can kiss each of my toes, then my mum's, then you can kiss Nana Meggie's bunions. Would you like that?'

'Only if I wanted a sure way to lose my lunch,' said Tobey, but the trace of a smile flitted across his face. 'Glad to see you've stopped sulking,' I told him. Tobey's smile faded.

'Just forget about what Nana Meggie said. I have already.' Tobey looked at me and said very quietly, 'I never will.'

Maybe I'll decorate this bedroom. I haven't had it redecorated since Kamal and I separated. This pale cream colour is very staid. It's time for me to splash out on something more vibrant, more modern, more alive.

I'm scared to death . . .

This . . . this thing inside me, I'm sure it's nothing. A cyst or a benign growth, that's all. Absolutely nothing to get worked up about, I'll be fine. I feel fine. I
am
fine.

So why can't I sleep? This hard lump in my breast is painful. I should've visited my doctor weeks ago when I first noticed it. But it hasn't gone away. It's not getting any bigger, but it's not getting smaller either.

I do so want to talk to Minerva or Persephone about it. But there's no point in upsetting my daughters over nothing. Minerva and her husband Zuri have their own busy lives to lead and I'm glad. Zuri is a good man, just what Minerva deserves. And their son Taj is a joy. They need to focus on each other, not me. And Sephy has been through so much. Too much. So I won't say anything – at least not yet. It's time for me to put my children first. As far as this lump is concerned, I'll wait until it's something and pray that it's nothing.

Jasmine, don't fall apart now. You've been through worse than this. You'll be fine.

Keep telling yourself you'll be fine.

You'll be OK.

Whatever life throws at you, you'll be OK.