Cheating to Survive (Fix It or Get Out) (34 page)

“I didn’t want to be alone with her, I wanted us to be a family.”

“When? Where did that fun Catherine go? I couldn’t take it anymore and I started to go out with people from work. I had fun for a while, I really did. It was like the old days when we used to all party together.”

“You went out a lot Peter. All the time.”

“You ignored me, went back to work, shouted at the boys and me constantly. And all that obsessive cleaning.”

Her wet, dull eyes burst. She attempted to speak but stammering sobs leaked out instead.

“But, then I started to see the old Catherine again this summer. You changed. Playing with the boys, having fun, laughing. I figured maybe you did need to go back to work. Maybe you needed an outlet, so I stepped back, thought in time you’d come back to me.”

“I tried.”

“No. Not with me, Catherine. What did I do to you, I don’t get what changed?” Peter tapped his fist against his lips waiting for an answer. “Then the past few months you started working late, going out alone on the weekends, coming home late. Where’d you go? Who were you with? Then the weird thing is, you just stopped cleaning all together. I didn’t mind, but what were you doing on your days off then? Look, I’m happy your relationship is better with the kids, but where does that leave us?”

She tried to speak, but couldn’t.

Peter shook his head, annoyed with her lack of answers. “I’ve done everything to make you happy but I can’t do it anymore. My job is stressful and I hate it. I tried to tell you countless times but you attack me as soon as I walk in the door and don’t give me a chance to speak. I thought about switching to financial planning but then you wanted to go back to work. I let you go and I stayed thinking I could stick it out another year.

Instead of sharing my grief with my wife, you ignored me. I admit I messed up, going out a lot, and the other day…I’m sorry, I got caught up with these guys and they party hard. But I’m sick of all that, I’m not twenty-three anymore, I can’t live like this.” He glanced around looking for answers. “Maybe I should move out.”

She remained silent despite his repeated request for answers. How foolish she was not noticing the needs of her family, becoming a self-absorbed troll, no different than her boss. A vision of Dr. Mangle lying naked on his diving board, surfaced. Gastric acid crept up her esophagus and a nasty sour gush coated her mouth. Speak, say something.

“Who are you Catherine? Answer me. What’s going on with you?”

She inhaled steadily, clamped her eyes, then released them to find Peter leaning forward, his eyes locked on her. “I’ve learned a lot about myself these past few months, and I’m sorry I shut you out. You did wake up this shy little girl and showed her how fun life could be. My church upbringing and a disturbing event of my past haunted me. I
was
different with you. We did have fun.

But your long hours at work and the monotonous droning on of my day made me feel worthless. I appreciate that you gave me the opportunity to stay home but I needed to prove I was someone. I love my job and I’m great at it, despite what my boss might say. My patients come first and I feel for every one of them. I have compassion, understanding and I’m a great person.”

“You are,” Peter said.

Catherine held her hand up to finish. “I love working in Emily’s school because it makes me feel important. Maybe that’s the wrong reason for doing it but when people around you make you feel less than who you are, then you take whatever you can get, wherever you can get it. The fact that I had no friends, well, I hoped I would make some at the school but that didn’t work out as planned either.

I’m sorry if I changed into a miserable person, sorry for what I did to the boys. I didn’t mean to yell or become a bore. I should have talked to you but I wanted everything to be perfect and held it all in. I thought your partying reflected some sort of mid-life crisis but now I see that I wasn’t much joy to be around.” Her nose continued to run, she suddenly felt fatigued.

“I realized this summer that I forgot about the good times, got so caught up with being a good wife and mom that I forgot how to have fun, and that’s why I finally let loose around the children and started having fun with them. And I just realized today that I love running. Running until I’m emptied of all my misery. Sweat pours out instead of tears.” She shoved the drenched hair out of her face. “And I love my kids more than anything. I feel terrible for how I treated them.” She wiped her face on the sleeve of her sweatshirt, both just as wet.

“And what about me?” Peter asked. “Do you still love me?” He pressed his lips together, his hands kneading each other.

Irrepressible sobs consumed her. She sucked in and then slowly released deep breaths, but any shred of composure escaped her.

Peter threw himself out of his seat. He bolted around the coffee table and towards the left, straight to Catherine. He kneeled in front of her and grasped her knees. “Tell me. Tell me you still love me. Tell me you want this to work, Catherine.”

Tears soaked her face, she no longer bothered to wipe them. Catherine lifted her head, blinked and gazed into his brown eyes for the first time in years. Breathless, she reached up and touched his face. Tingles ran through her fingertips.

“I love you more than anything, Peter. I loved us, I wanted nothing more than for us to work and I tried so hard but I was so unhappy. I failed us.”

“You didn’t. We lost just sight of everything. Like Father Frank said this morning, we get caught up with work and possessions, failing to see what’s truly important.”

“I want to work on us Peter, can we? Is there still enough there?”

“Like he said, we can only work forward.” Peter placed his hands around Catherine’s moist face, arched in and kissed her gently on the lips, as if it was the very first time.

Chapter 51
Victoria

Victoria parked near Aiden’s house, hidden behind a row of hedges. Her phone shuffled in her hands. She planned to call right after the party but wanted to make sure her thoughts were clear. But now, two weeks since their last meeting, she convinced herself that Aiden had moved on after her insensitive rejection. She abandoned him at the height of their relationship, never bothering to contact him again.

Ed continued in his altered state of reality. Zoned out in front of the television today, viewing a Sunday marathon of
Ice Road Truckers
. She voiced her need to go to the mall but he looked right through her.

She dialed Aiden’s number and concealed her vision with her hand.

“Hello,” His brusque tone revealed.

“Aiden, it’s Victoria.”

“I can see that.”

“I wondered if I could come over and speak to you.”

“I’m not home. Very busy with work this week.”

“Aiden, please, I’m parked right next door. Your car’s in the driveway.”

A hush devoured her frigid car. She tucked her hand into her coat pocket and her head inside the collar. She waited for an answer. Had he hung up? She glanced at the phone to see if the call dropped and then returned it back to her ear.

“You may come in but I was on my way to the lab. Nonetheless, I don’t want you sitting in the cold.”

She hurried up his cobblestones, the usual rainbow of colors replaced with desiccated soil. Leaves infested the lawn. The door groaned and he stood there with a look of pure aggravation on his face. She never saw him angry before, his cheery smile gone forever. She drifted in, headed to the couch but Aiden remained at the door. “Oh,” she said. “Sorry, I’ll make this quick.”

Her planned speech vanished due to his brusque behavior. Thoughts of him running to her with a hearty welcome evaporated. With no clue how to begin, she collapsed onto the wooden bench.

“Did you want something Victoria?” Aiden folded his arms into a tight lump around his chest.

She knew she delayed this too long. She played with his heart, then destroyed it. He loved her from day one and she used him like a gluttonous cheater. She was no better than Silvatri or Mangle. She used him for her personal needs, crushing his soul. With his wife, he had no choice, but to suffer through the anguish of losing someone again? This he did not deserve.

“I have only to say I’m sorry.” She forced herself to look him in the eye. “I hurt you and for that I was wrong. I left you waiting without a word, left you to wonder, speculate, hope, and then despair. I didn’t want to speak to you though, until I knew for certain what I wanted. “

His impassive glare answered her. Static. Frozen. Detached.

“I just wanted you to know that,” she stammered. He continued his unsympathetic pose. Unaffected, her words meaningless to him. She struggled up from the bench. He didn’t care to hear her decision, he had already made it for her. There was no point in continuing. “Thank you for letting me in.” She struggled over to the door and he released it. Releasing her.

Victoria lumbered down the driveway towards the neighbor’s house to retrieve her car. She shut the door behind her and crumpled into a ball, thankful the hedges shielded her from Aiden’s house.

Worried the neighbor would see her and call the police on an apparent trespassing drug dealer, she toppled to her side and cried silently. Whimpered and sniffled like Andrew used to do when punished to sit in the corner.

Victoria had ruined Aiden’s life. And hers. The only thing she had to look forward to now involved cooking dinner while Ed viewed his Sunday TV marathon. Nothing had changed since the summer. Her pathetic life continued, her escape indeed only temporary.

When they first hired Jean, she counted the days until her vacations, only to find when she returned, her problems still existed. This was no different. She needed to find a permanent solution to her worn-out marriage. A vacation alone with just the two of them? Finding a hobby they both enjoyed? Marriage counseling? Ed would never go.

She laid there for five minutes, wiping her nose on a Subway napkin. The calories and protein content of the food was saturated with her tears. When she advanced to a yellow Wendy’s napkin, she knew it was time to leave.

She leaned forward and gathered the rumpled napkins on the floor-mat when a thump on the window jolted her. Hoping the neighbor didn’t call the police, she lurched up and turned to her right. No one appeared. She must have banged her foot on the door.

She tossed the napkins into her plastic garbage bag and the thump came again. She peered into her rear view mirror looking for the police car, then whirled to her left and there he mounted himself. Hands in the pockets of his black leather jacket.

She turned the ignition and rolled down her window. “Yes?” she mumbled.

“What are you doing here?”

Victoria bowed her head. She must look like an idiot. “Crying,” was the only answer she could offer.

The door swung open. “Step out of the car, please.”

Victoria did as he said. She removed her car keys and gazed up to find green eyes locked with hers. Aiden clutched her upper arms and drew her into him. He pounded her lips with his kiss, fierce and powerful. His hands clamped around her head, massaged and tangled her hair in his fingers.

She pulled away, caught her breath. “Aiden, I love you, I always did. I just didn’t want to hurt you but I did anyway and– ”

He pressed his finger on her lips, then searched her face. He guided her back into his home, and then onto his bed.

Aiden sat beside her, his finger traced her face. He laughed.

“What’s so funny?”

“I never asked you what your decision was.”

“I think curled up in a ball and crying was a pretty good synopsis.”

“Maybe you looked forward to crushing my spirit. Watch me languish before you as you broke my heart.”

Victoria’s stomach twisted and she averted his gaze. She shifted on the bed. He nudged her head back to him. “Tell me,” he urged.

Her perfect speech, long gone, Victoria searched for the only words left. “I planned on telling you that our anniversary was a fiasco, our marriage a tragedy. That I was in love with you. I always was, I knew the first time I met you, but I felt guilt-ridden. Afraid to tell Ed, afraid…” She turned back toward the draped window.

“Afraid of what? That it wouldn’t work with us, that it would be a disaster, a mistake?”

“No.” She gripped his hands tightly. “Afraid I would be happy and have everything I always wanted.”

“Hmm, that is a possibility. What would you ever do?” He beamed.

Victoria grinned too, then flopped back onto his pillow and stared at the ceiling. “What went wrong, why did it fail? We were so in love, what did I do wrong?”

“Why does it have to be something you did? You married young, perhaps you weren’t emotionally mature at the time. Most spend so much energy planning their wedding day, they forget to plan the marriage.”

“No, I was ready, I understood. I think in our twenties we wanted what most want. Marriage, home, kids, but we forgot to look at what we wanted individually and if it corresponded with each other. Hobbies, careers, friends.”

Aiden whisked the hair away from her face and combed his fingers through it while she spoke.

“In high school we only knew we were in love and enjoying ourselves, we never thought that would change.”

“But people do,” Aiden said. “They change and grow and that’s normal and expected, but they need to grow together. It seems as if you have grown tremendously but Ed is still that boy you met in high school.”

“Part of that is my fault, I coddled him too much. But we have nothing in common, nothing. His friends are a bore, some never married. He only enjoys watching TV and a night out for him is having a few beers at the local bar. I can’t have any intellectual conversations with him, he doesn’t understand what I do at work or at the Cancer Foundation. There’s no support either.”

“Then why did you stay for so long?”

“I think I felt bad. Where would he go, who would take care of him?”

“Take care of him? Victoria, he’s a grown man, in his fifties. That’s part of the problem, he needs to grow up, take care of himself. If he can’t take care of himself how can he possibly be there for you?”