Cheaters Anonymous (12 page)

Scar:
Wish I was there to see it. Put it between your legs.

Julia:
Now?

Scar:
Yes

Captivated, I sat back on my bed, lowered my pants, and inserted the contraption into my panties, where it started buzzing.

Oh, my God!

I fumbled with the phone trying to type back as the vibrations pulsed against my flesh. But concentrating on anything other than the shattering earthquake between my legs wasn’t easy.

“Holy crap!” My thighs clenched and heat spread through me. I was willing to bet that
this
was the king of all vibrators.

Julia:
I thoinkl is briokenm. It tutrned on it ownn.

I couldn’t even type on my phone.

Scar:
No, that was me

What?

Scar:
I’m controlling it. Put the phone down and relax, Jules. Think of my fingers on you.

Oh, my!

I leaned back against the headboard and felt a change in the rhythm. The pulses were soft at first, teasing my tender flesh, but intensifying at an arousing pace. I grasped the sheets in my fists as my body slid lower on the bed, forcing me to lie back flat. Waves of heat consumed me. I crossed my legs, locking the vibrator between them. A beautiful ache built in my lower half, forcing my body to writhe on the bed. There was no longer a pattern to the pulses, only a vibration that reminded me of Scar, when he’d had his fingers on me and inside me in that cave six years ago. If only he were here, ready to fill me, I’d spread my legs open and accept him. Feeling the silicone slide out of position, I clasped it with my hand to hold it steady. My heart beat drummed in my chest and my ears, blending with the vibrating sound from down below. My legs began to quiver. I pulled my knees up and lowered them again, twisting in my sheets, unable to find that perfect place. Sweat beads ran down my forehead and down the valley between my boobs.

Somehow my body flipped over onto its stomach, securing the vibrator between me and the bed.

That’s better.

With my mouth open and short spurts of inhalations, I concentrated on the first delicate tremor that turned into a seizure-like contraction.

No, not yet.

I couldn’t get enough. I wanted this to last longer. I needed this feeling to stay with me forever. Scar was taking me to the point of no return too quickly. But my body denied me the time to enjoy this, and I convulsed in spasm. The ripple tore through me, and I screamed into the pillow, semi-consciously hoping my sister wouldn’t hear me. The jitters continued, flying out my limbs, electrifying me all over again, and then finally stopped. It was as if Scar knew I had just climaxed. I panted, waiting to catch a lungful of air. My heart was trying to burst out from underneath my rib-cage. Barely able to lift myself on the bed, I reached for my phone.

Julia:
Unbelievable

Scar:
Glad to be of service. Keep the toy close to you. I’ll be in touch before you turn in for the night. I want you dreaming about me.

What? There would be more? Yes!

I had no doubt Scar would be the only one on my mind every second of every minute and every hour, and I was already looking forward to the evening. Honestly, as my body was beginning to calm, I wanted to ask him to do it again, right away, but I refrained. If there was one thing I was thankful for, it was Scar’s imagination. Even when we were apart, he made me feel like he was with me the entire time.

C
HAPTER
11

“Hi, my name is Julia. I’ve been abstinent for over a year, and there’s a new temptation in my life.”

“Hi, Julia,” the group said in unison. I was the last one in our circle of fifteen to speak. For the first time in over a year, I kept my head lowered – because honestly, I’d reached a new level of embarrassment. A woman of my stature was supposed to keep her urges intact. She was supposed to be a good example for the community, not someone who couldn’t control her needs.

Yeah, I think that ship sailed long ago.

Over the past three days I’d let Scar bring me to a climax six wonderful times, and I’d never felt better. He’d sent me gorgeous bouquets of roses, and I had a difficult time explaining to Zoey they were from a friend. I did want to tell her about Scar, but I wasn’t ready just yet. I couldn’t even think whether we’d actually begin dating because it felt like we already had, and because I lost my mind each time he texted. I thought I’d be satisfied after such strong orgasms, but I only craved more. Was I falling to old habits? Was the need for Scar’s fingers, lips, and body beginning to overtake my life again? I didn’t even know how I’d face him on Monday.

What could I say?
Hi, sorry but we can’t be together because I can’t stop thinking about you. I’m afraid what this could lead to
?
I can’t trust myself around you
? All those things didn’t even make sense. They were also good reasons to give the relationship a try. Tonight, I really hoped someone in this group could give me unbiased advice.

The room remained quiet, and the only sound I could hear was the beating of my heart. We were a mix of cheaters, sex addicts, those who were thinking of cheating, and even a couple where one had given their spouse a free pass to revive their marriage. In fact, Sarah and Luke had become one of our biggest supporters. This was the perfect place to find out whether I was heading on the wrong path. I was afraid that with my repeated coming, courtesy of Scar Wagner, I was losing control.

“Julia, it sounds like you had a setback.” Miriam, the group’s counselor, spoke up. “Do you want to tell us about it?”

Did I? I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to share the hurricane of emotions that were running through me. I wished I were that strong doctor everyone knew back at the hospital, the one who for the past year had stayed clear of men just to get a high… but I wasn’t. The moment Scar Wagner stepped back into my life, my conviction disappeared. Other than for my job, it seemed like I had no control over my actions. And now he had taken over my daytime orgasms. That morning, on my break, I’d hid out in the staff room and the day before behind the frozen food section at the store, squeezing the side of the fridge door with my hand, hoping no one would walk by and figure out the frenzy below my belt as Scar powered up the vibrator I wore.

“I ran into a high school friend. We had a lot in common back then, including that our parents had had affairs. Except mine divorced, and his stayed together. We made this pact and believed that breaking couples apart before one of them cheats was good for them.”

I took in a deep breath. Someone’s chair squeaked over the floor as they shifted. Everyone’s gaze remained on me, waiting. I lifted my head, scanning the gentleness of their gazes. This was a safe place to talk. I didn’t need to be strong here.

“It was our connection. I was so undeniably attracted to him, I followed his instructions and worked with him, secretly hoping he’d one day change his mind about relationships and maybe give us a try. I don’t know whether it was for the best that I moved away, but I did so with a broken heart, believing that he was right – that we weren’t good for each other. I saw him five years later, at a ski chalet. He was different. Older and more mature. Fate got us buried together in a cave after an avalanche. We fooled around before we were rescued… and he left me.”

I shook my head. The memory of loneliness pinched my heart. Right after Scar flew to New York and I went back to Washington to school, I began seeing other people for only one reason. It started off with the guys in my class. Once I’d slept with a handful and didn’t want them to exchange notes, I branched out to the campus. Afterward I sought out anonymous flings, one-night stands and no-strings-attached nights filled with fucking, climaxing, fucking, climaxing. I couldn’t get enough. Yet I still wasn’t able to reach that perfect wave of bliss with anyone. It was my lifeline. Sometimes I wondered how I’d made it through medical school, but becoming a doctor had been a childhood dream, and not even my addiction could stop me from reaching that goal.

“You didn’t have sex in the cave?” Miriam asked.

“No.”

Was that important? I’d wanted to sleep with Scar. He wanted to sleep with me as well, he even admitted it. But at that time in my life, I was still responsible, and the lack of a condom in a cave prevented us from going all the way.

“Julia, you know that you don’t need to have sex to feel an emotional attachment to someone. How did it make you feel when he left?”

As a psychologist, Miriam always knew the right questions to ask. Her firsthand experience of walking in on her husband with another woman in her bed, and her being able to save her marriage, was definitely something to aspire to. I didn’t think I had that kind of forgiveness inside me.

“He made me not want to feel. I mean, what was the point? The two times I’d felt something in my life was when I was eighteen and had to leave him for university, and then when he left me after we were rescued from that cave, with nothing more than a note.”

“Those are both negative ways to feel, Julia. Did you blame him for what happened to you after he left?”

If I were honest with myself, I’d say yes. Scar drove me to it. I slept with other men trying to find that euphoric feeling I remembered with Scar. It was stupid and childish and immature. I should have been better at controlling my impulses.

“I think so. But I think it’s just an excuse for my actions.”

“What about other times, other relationships?”

“All my relationships were... well, I actually haven’t done relationships in over six years. Only no-strings-attached flings.”

Fucks,
I corrected in my mind.

“And I would never sleep with the same person more than once.”

I wanted to bury my head in the sand. Saying this out loud made me feel like a whore all over again.

“This is a safe place, Julia. I know we’ve heard this when you first came to the group, but everyone has a difficult time preventing relapses. Going over what you’ve been through and understanding your triggers will help you deal with this.”

Was Scar my trigger? Would I relapse because of him? No, I couldn’t blame someone else for my actions; even if they influenced the way I lived and behaved. All choices were mine. They were mistakes I had to live with.

“I fell into an unhealthy pattern because I didn’t want to feel hurt again. I controlled who I slept with, I took what I wanted, and ended anything before it even began. That is until I lost that control.” I realized that when I woke up at the hospital half-dead, and Chris was treating the wounds all over my body. “I mean, that’s why I came here. I needed to get a handle on my addiction, and I was beginning to accept that monogamy was not possible for me. I would remain on my own, which was fine... and then I saw him again and all my fears came back. It’s all so confusing. I’m two years shy of turning thirty, and I feel like a silly teenager with loose screws in her brain, and I can’t decide whether I should pursue a possible relationship with the man I’m so attracted to.”

I got a few chuckles out of the group. Getting all the emotions off my chest was the perfect way to start healing. But the fact was that I couldn’t look at Scar without feeling everything tighten and tingle inside me. In his company, I turned into someone else – the woman I desperately fought not to be. But maybe the line I drew was too firm. Knowing I had changed, when I sought him out in that strip club I wanted to see whether there was any hope for us. And it appeared that he felt the same way. Despite his beliefs in infidelity, he was willing to give us a try. I felt more healed each time I saw him than after any therapy.

“It sounds like you’re running on an emotional high. So you haven’t slept with him, right?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Considering your past, that’s a positive outcome. Considering what he means to you, it could be a mistake.”

Did she just say I should sleep with Scar?

“Think about it, Julia. A sexual connection can be good. For the past six years you’ve associated it with a negative experience. Maybe it’s time to give up that control to someone you trust, and experience sex in a new light.”

She did!

In the past, any man I had been attracted to was a lost cause if I wanted him. When I had that need, I was like a black widow, spinning a web of lust to court him. It took hours, and embarrassingly sometimes minutes, between our first meeting and when we fucked. And that would be it. Over and done with, and I’d move on to the next lay. I didn’t want to use Scar that way. But Scar was not just any man. He was... my Scar.

“How do you feel about this man now?”

“He’s as handsome as they get, and I can’t stop thinking about him.” I shook my head in my own disbelief as the memory of his mouth-watering body at the hospital and the club flashed through my mind. I sighed and lowered my shoulders. “We agreed to take some time to think about a potential relationship. He sent me a vibrator that he controls with his phone and made me come three times per day in the past two days. I’m afraid I’ll get addicted to the wonderful feeling all over again. But I want more. I want him.”

“There’s nothing wrong with climaxing if it doesn’t affect your job, family, and life. So long as you’re not skipping work to have an orgasm, or avoiding family, you’re fine. It’s natural and healthy.”

“You are one lucky woman,” one of the ladies whispered. “I haven’t had an orgasm in eight months. I feel like my body’s forgetting what it felt like to have one.”

“We’ll get to you next, Tracy. I’m sure Julia can recommend a good vibrator.” Nothing escaped Miriam’s attention. She turned back to me, asking, “You’ve resisted his physical advances so far?” 

Barely.

“How do I know whether I’m ready for a relationship?” I asked. “What are the steps we follow? When do we hit first, second, or third base? I mean, I don’t know how dating works. I’m afraid I’ll fail him and me at the same time, and everything will crumble.”