Chaste (McCullough Mountain) (49 page)

She
followed him. “Aren’t you going to eat?”

“Told
you, I’m not hungry.” He sipped from the bottle and she frowned.

“Are
you going to work tonight?”

“No.
I’m not opening for a few days.”

“But
it’s the weekend.”

He
shrugged.

She’d
never seen him like this. They had a lot to discuss, but as he continued to
scowl at the television, she thought maybe this wasn’t the time.

The
doctor called around six to let her know her glasses were ready. She couldn’t
drive and Kelly was drinking. Thanking the doctor for his prompt work, she
offered to pick up the new frames in the morning.

Kelly
was still drinking and ignoring her after she had a slice of pizza. Enough. Walking
into the living room, she shut off the TV. He made no objection as if he
couldn’t care less. She lowered herself to the chair. “Kelly, we need to talk.”

“Talk.”

Her
shoulders stiffened at his clipped tone. He’d never shut her out like this
before. It was cold and intimidating. “How long do you plan on drinking like
this?” It wasn’t the topic she had in mind, but the more she looked at that
bottle in his hand the more it irked her.

“As
long as I feel like it.”

Her
irritation doubled. “Could you stop acting like a child and talk to me?”

He
turned his narrowing eyes on her. “A child? I get up every day and go to work.
I run my own business, pay my bills on time, vote, and have a wife. I’m not a
child.”

“Well,
you aren’t being a very good husband right now.” She didn’t have to see his
face to know the words cut the moment they left her mouth.

His
face tightened as if he had something callous to say, but he plugged his lips
with the bottle and turned away.

Not
used to this sort of tension, she quietly admitted, “I don’t like you drinking
this much in my house.”

“
Your
house? Tell me, Ashlynn, what exactly do you consider mine?”

There
was a reason she was acting so cold. If she hadn’t seen that stupid bet, all
this tension between them wouldn’t exist. He betrayed her trust and she was
clueless how to remedy that. But she’d done
nothing
to provoke such a hurtful betrayal. She gritted her teeth and muttered,
“You got what you paid for.”

“God
damn it!”

She
jumped when the bottle crashed against the wall. He stood and was in front of
her in two strides towering over her. “Stop throwing that in my face. I
defended
you the night they made that damn bet! I didn’t know you, but I knew you
were a virgin. The whole fucking town knew. I told them they were assholes and
walked out. I’m not going to keep apologizing for something I didn’t do. I’ve
done enough shit I have to live with.”

“Then
why did you ask me to marry you!” she shouted.

“Because
I fucking love you!” He turned and roared, “God damn it! I did everything
right. I walked away because you asked me to. You’re the one who came back. Do
you think I’d marry someone I wasn’t in love with? Fuck! It’s bad enough my
family doesn’t have any faith in me, but you’re my wife!”

She
drew back in her chair. “Stop yelling at me!”

He
pivoted, shoving his fingers through his hair, as he paced and mumbled, “You
left. You fucking left.”

“What
are you talking about?”

“The
other night.”

“I
went to my father’s!”

“That’s
not what marriage is, Ashlynn. We’re supposed to work through our problems.
Talk them out.”

“I
was hurt.”

“How
do you think I felt? I didn’t know where you were or when you were coming
back.”

Did
he think she wouldn’t come back? Was he that insecure? Of course she’d be back.
She was hurt and angry. “I’m back now.” She hadn’t realized her leaving
would’ve upset him so much. “I want to talk, but you’re just yelling and
throwing things.”

He
plopped into the other chair. “I don’t want you to leave me.”

Leave
him?
“I’m not. I
was just upset.”

When
he turned his blue eyes on her there was such vulnerability swirling in their
depths she didn’t know what to say. His voice was low. “Promise you’ll never
leave.” Never had she seen such raw fear in his eyes.

“I
promise. We took vows, Kelly. That means something to me, but some things need
to change around here.”

“Like?”

Swallowing
back her nerves, she faced him. He wanted to be an adult? It was time he
started acting like one. He was more than capable. “Like I’m not your maid. You
need to clean up after yourself.”

“I’m
sorry. I’ll do better with that.”

“And
whatever this drinking thing is, I don’t like it. Having a drink every once in
a while is fine, but your empty bottles around the house scare me.”

His
mouth opened and snapped shut. His jaw twitched and he looked away. “Sometimes
I drink too much when I’m upset.”

“Is
it a problem? Should we talk to someone?”

“No.
I’ll get it under control. Last night, when I saw your truck flipped, something
snapped in me. I wanted to kill that kid that made you crash. It was my fault.”

That
was ridiculous. “How was it your fault?”

“Because
I knew he was drinking and I served him anyway. He only had two drinks, but
maybe that was what pushed him over his limit.”

It
never bothered her before that her husband owned a bar, but suddenly she saw
many possible issues that could crop up over the years. She faced the window
and thought about those seconds before her truck spun out of control and landed
in the ditch, how it felt once she went spiraling off the road, how she feared
never seeing Kelly or her dad again. A drunk driver killed her mom.

“I
can see by your expression you blame me.”

She
pivoted. “I’m not blaming you.”

“Sure
you are. You just don’t want to. It’s okay. It’s not the first time my actions
hurt you or put you in danger.”

“What?”

“You
know what I’m referring to.”

Evan.
“I won’t sit
here and let you excuse that asshole by taking the blame. What happened to me
this summer was his fault, not yours.”

“And
what about the drunk driver?”

She
wasn’t blaming him. Her worry was about their future, about how much alcohol
he’d consumed over the past twenty-four hours. It seemed stupid for him to
handle a bad situation with the vice that caused it.

She
slouched in her chair, unsure how to proceed. Broken pieces of glass lay
beneath the wet mark on her wall. It frightened her when Kelly drank this much.
“I don’t want you to drink in the house anymore.”

“This
is my home too.” Where had this opposition come from?

Knowing
better than to face off with someone in such a mood and not wanting to escalate
the situation, she stood. “Well, you just defaced your home.”

“Ashlynn…”
She paused at the door, but didn’t look at him. “I miss you.”

She
missed him too, but she had too much turmoil trapped inside to go back to the
way things had been. Her bruised dignity was an ache in her heart she couldn’t
seem to heal. The thought of her in-laws laughing at her, her choices, it stung
and humiliated her. Kelly was hurting too, but she was the victim here, not
him. Still, she missed the courtesy that was between them before. “I need some
time.”

“How
much time?”

That
was the scary part. “I don’t know.”

Turning,
she left him there to think and give them each some space. By the time she
reached her room—correction, their room—she was fighting hard to hold back
tears. Perhaps he was right. There were some things she still thought of as hers
when she should have acclimated to them now being theirs.

Being
so tied up with her market and harvest, she hadn’t taken the time to educate
herself regarding O’Malley’s. It was strange to think she now had a stake in
the town bar.

Kelly
was a smart man. It wasn’t difficult to determine what was wrong with their
relationship. It had gone from everything outside of sex to nothing but. Yes,
they’d discovered an incredible outlet for everything left unsaid, but they
weren’t communicating. She’d expected more one on one time with him.

What
if they weren’t compatible once the sex was off the table? No, that couldn’t be
right. The foundation of their relationship was built on abstinence. However,
they’d not figured out a way to make it work until they found a
loophole—marriage.

Her
chest tightened as she lowered herself to the bed and the first tear fell.
Marriage was hard, harder than she ever expected. That was part of the problem,
there were all these expectations and when things didn’t go as she’d hoped, she
began to make assumptions about her husband’s motives.

Kelly
did
need to start picking up after
himself. She worked just as hard as he did and she wasn’t his mother. However,
she needed to start seeing her house as their home, not just hers.

The
drinking was an issue. She wasn’t blind. She’d been on the sidelines watching
during the years Kelly lost control. Of course he never put himself in danger
or anyone else that she knew of, but she’d observed him closely during the
years he drank and knew he was blurring time.

The
question was why. There was something vulnerable inside her husband. What was
he afraid of? Assuming the alcohol numbed the fear, his recent binge had her
analyzing things more closely. Could it be as simple as her leaving? That
didn’t make sense, because she wasn’t there in his early twenties when he
drank.

Perhaps
it was a fear of abandonment, but she wasn’t going anywhere. Didn’t he realize
that? Through sickness and health, good times and bad, they were united as one
until the end. She shouldn’t have left. It was childish and hurtful.

 
Although she’d seen beneath the surface
and Kelly was slowly letting her in, there were still parts of him that
remained shadowed. He was so full of life, it didn’t seem right that he could
be harboring fears and feelings of inadequacy. It was in that moment she
admitted the incredible man who married her, was in fact just a man.

It
was time to stop glorifying him and time to start acknowledging his inner
struggles. Everything wasn’t as black and white as her life had been. Kelly was
a deep person and the more she got to know him the more she realized there was
nothing shallow about him.

As
she fell asleep alone and missing his company, she came to the suspicion that
Kelly feared, above all else, that he would let her down. Marriage was give and
take and there would be confrontations and moments that required they
reevaluate their situation to better themselves. She wasn’t an overly critical
person in her mind, but apparently she’d have to soften her approach when it
came to addressing flaws.

Everyone
had flaws, including her. The anger and hurt she faced from discovering such a
major decision in her life had been the focus of a joke cut her deep, but Kelly
told her he hadn’t contributed. In fact, if what he said was true, he’d
defended her when he had no loyalty to her as of yet.

What
they were lacking was trust, trust in each other. For a person with such strong
faith, it was time she showed her husband she had faith in him. Bumps along the
road wouldn’t change their path. They would merely slow them down from time to
time. Deep down, she knew there really wasn’t anything beyond abuse or
infidelity—two things she believed he’d never do—that Kelly could do to make
her walk away.

The
fact that he didn’t know that was her shortcoming as much as his.

* * * *

Kelly
cleaned up the broken bottle and the rest of the house. He’d fucked up. He
hadn’t meant to react like that. He just wanted everything back the way it was.
Copasetic.

When
the house was spotless and two loads of laundry were folded, he went to bed.
Ashlynn was curled up on her side.

He
stripped off his clothes and thought twice about dropping them on the floor.
After he walked them to the hamper he climbed in beside her. He pulled her
sleeping body close and nestled her shoulder. “I love you,” he whispered.
“Please don’t ever leave me. I’ll make it better.”

Flashes
from the night before played in his head. He could’ve lost her, not because he
pissed her off, but because he screwed up, yet again. He had to stop thinking
about screwing up and being unredeemable. She was right. He wasn’t being the
best husband.

He
thought about ways he could be better. It was hard. She was so good and he,
well, he wasn’t. He’d gone to church with her a few times, but missed a couple
masses. He knew that was important to her and he shouldn’t make excuses.

She
did everything he asked of her, but he couldn’t seem to switch gears as easily.
He still thought like a single guy for the most part. He got frustrated when
she ate without him, but how many times had he cooked for her?