Chasing Clovers (14 page)

She sat on the rocking chair and watched Ben and Emily look for four-leaf clovers. Ben had been offish with her when she
'd first gotten here, but after her fall from the horse, he seemed to come around. She often spotted a concerned look on his face, and he'd apologized to her several times, telling her he was sorry that she fell from the horse. She explained that she was riding too fast and it was an accident, but her assurances did nothing to cease his apologies or ease his concern for her leg.

She pushed the chair with her toes, rocki
ng back and forth. As much as she didn't want to admit it, she'd missed John and wondered when, or if, he'd come around.

Alone in her room these last three days,
she feared he'd come through the door to tell her he no longer wanted to marry her. Whenever someone knocked, she dreaded the outcome. She had nowhere else to go, and even though she couldn't think of consummating their marriage, she yearned for John's touch. Her heart ached for the little bit of reassurance she had felt when she woke in his arms.

In the evenings she
was haunted by visions of Emma. The nightmares never seemed to cease. Not that she expected them to stop, they had terrorized her ever since Emma's death. On most nights she'd try to stay awake, too scared to relive them.

Last night
she woke in a panic. Desperate, she searched the dark room for John's shadow, for his wide shoulders to lean her head on. She would've welcomed his comfort and not shied away. The need to be held overwhelmed her. Livy knew she'd find solace in his arms, as she did days before. But it was not to be. The room was empty.

Disappointed, she laid awake thinking of the things he
'd said. Ashamed of her behavior, she let the tears fall relentlessly. He didn't care about her, and as the night wore on, she knew he never would.

She
rested her head on the back of the chair and let the warm afternoon sun caress her face. She replayed the whole scene in her mind. Heard his angry words, saw his dark eyes as they glared, full of contempt, into hers.

She shivered
.

Her intentio
n was never to make him mad, but to get him to leave her alone. She was unsure of his kindness and his concern for her. No one had ever cared about what she thought, or how she felt. And there had been no one around to help her when Emma was sick or, she squeezed her eyes shut, after she died.

Instead of trying to talk to John, she
'd done the opposite. She shut him out, made him mad. The whole thing had backfired on her, and she felt horrible.

She
rocked the chair back and forth, her sore leg up on a wooden crate in front of her. The swelling had gone down, and after numerous tries she could now walk with the crutches John had made for her.

Shorty told her he didn
't need to see her anymore. Her leg was healing fine, and by the end of the week she'd be able to try walking without the crutches. Excited by the prospect, she had been in a good mood ever since. This morning she told Ezekiel she wanted to prepare the evening meal without his help, and asked her friend only for his supervision. Over the course of her recovery she and Ezekiel had become close. She valued him as a good friend.

"
Miss Livy. Miss Livy," Ben shouted from the grass below, with his sister jumping up and down beside him.

"
Yes, what is it?" she called over the rail.

"
We found one." Ben ran up the steps to stand in front of her. Pinched between his thumb and his index finger was a four-leaf clover.

Livy counted the leaves, before she said, "Oh my goodness, you have!" Her excitement, and the smile she gave Ben, surprised her. She instantly covered her mouth.

"
Yay, yay," Emily shouted, clapping her hands.

Ben's face lit up while he stared down at his sister. "We actually found one Em."

Her heart lurched at the sound of the familiar name and raced within her chest.
Not now
, she pleaded.
Breathe, in, out. Not when the day had gone so well.
She could feel it come, moving bit by bit up her chest, the demon wanting to be released.

She
cleared her throat to try and stop the panic from coming.
Breathe, in, out.
The hands―evil hands―crept toward her heart and wrapped around it, squeezing. Her face grew hot, her breaths short and quick.

"
Miss Livy, are you all right?" Ben asked.

N
ot wanting to scare him or his sister. "Yes, I…I need a glass of water."
Breathe, in, out.

The boy ran ins
ide the house, returned with her water, and handed it to her. She gulped it down in one swallow. Her hands were shaking as she gave it back to him. She closed her eyes while taking a deep breath.

In, out, in, out.
The panic began to subside. The demon crawled back into the darkest regions of her soul, waiting to revisit her again later. Her hand at her chest, she took a few more deep breaths to ensure the demon had gone, and then opened her eyes and smiled at Ben.

"
Thank you. I'm much better now," she said.

"
What was wrong with ya before?" he asked, his blonde head cocked to one side.

Not sure how to answer him, she decided to tell him the truth. What could it hurt? He was a little boy. "I suffer breathing attacks from time to time."

His dirty face scrunched up. "What're breathing attacks?"

"
Well, I don't really know if that's what they're called. But I feel panicked when I have one." She placed her hand on her chest. "My heart begins to beat real fast and I can't catch my breath, and then I panic."

"
Why do ya get 'em?"

Livy knew why she got them, but she wasn't ready to tell anyone "I don't know. Maybe from lack of sleep?"

"
You should see a doctor. I know," his brown eyes lit up, "you should tell Shorty. He can fix up anythin'."

She
laughed.

"
No, I think I'll be fine."

What was happening to her? In the few days she
'd been on the ranch, she had smiled, and now she outright laughed.

He shrugged his shoulders.
"Well, if you say so. But maybe you should go to bed early tonight, just in case."

She reached out
and without thinking ruffled his hair with her hand. "Maybe I will. Thank you, Doctor Ben." It was getting much easier to talk with Ben, and she found she enjoyed his company.

"
No problem."

Emily
sang. "Doctor Ben. Doctor Ben."

She smiled at the little girl's song, and allowed her gaze to fall upon the child for a quick moment. Livy was stunned at how beautiful she was. It wasn't until her eyes began to water, that she looked away.

Ben rolled his eyes at his sister
's song. "I'm gonna go show Pa our four-leaf clover."

"
I'm sure he'd want to see it."She needed a little space from John's daughter.

Ben and his sister
jumped off the top step of the porch and raced across the yard in search of their father. Even though she needed to keep her distance from the child, a part of her wished she could go with them. To be accepted, as she knew they would be.

She sighed and gave her head
a little shake to get out of her melancholy mood.
What are you thinking? You don't need John
. She sat up straighter.
You don't need anyone.
He'd made his intentions clear, and she'd let a little kiss sway her heart into thinking he'd offer more. She'd let her emotions get involved, even when she'd tried not to. How stupid of her. She had acted like a lovesick school girl. Well, no more.

She
was unlovable, untouchable.

There wasn
't a strong demand for saloon singers as wives. And definitely not for someone who'd let her baby die. She swallowed past the lump in her throat. If John knew how Emma died, how she couldn't even save her own baby from Scarlet Fever, he'd send her away for sure. She'd have nowhere to go. Maybe that's what she deserved―to be sent away and never have a chance at a real life. She didn't even know what a real life consisted of, or if she would ever have one.

After Emma died, she
'd built a wall so high that some days she didn't even think it was possible for her to climb. And even if she could get over it enough to be able to look at John's daughter, how was she to care for someone else's children, especially when she couldn't help her own child?

The questions burned into her head.
She fought them, denying all the possibilities of what a life with John could lead to.

Why did she let him steal one kiss? Why did her
stomach flutter every time he was near? And why, damn it could she think of nothing else but how his lips felt on hers?

She
blew out an exasperated breath.

She
'd had enough. She promised to marry John, and she'd keep that promise. But damn it, she didn't have to give body and soul to him. And for the same reasons he couldn't love anyone but his Becky, she couldn't find the strength inside to let anyone close to her again.

Everything she ever cared about, loved and cherished, had died along with Emma. Now she was an empty shell who tried to live through each day without putting a noose around her neck and ending it all
.

A tear slipped down her cheek, and
she wiped it away with the back of her hand. Her mood no longer sunny, she grabbed her crutches and stood up. There was a rustling from behind her and she fumbled with her crutches, trying to keep her balance as she whirled around to look at the empty yard. Leaning into the wooden sticks perched under each arm, she scanned the area. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up, and her body quivered. Someone was there. She could sense it.

Livy bent over the railing on the porch to peer around the side of the house. She saw a shadow near the corner, but couldn
't make out what it was. Resting her hand on the rail, she leaned farther, slipped and lost her balance. She landed hard on her chest. Jaw clenched, she groaned from the pain while she pushed back up.

She tried to find the shad
ow again, but it was gone. She scanned the yard once more, but no one was there. Feeling an urgent need to get inside, she hopped to the door and went in.

"
You look like you've seen a ghost," Ezekiel said as he came out of the kitchen.

She blew at the hair that had fallen in her eyes. "Maybe I have," she said, out of breath and glancing back at the door.

The black man raised a dark eyebrow at her. "I beg your pardon, ma'am?"

She didn
't want to tell him about the shadow she'd seen, or that every time she's alone outside she senses someone watching her. "I'm kidding, Ezekiel."

Ezekiel slapped his hands on his knees and laughed.
"You had me. I thought you was seein' things."

"
The only thing I'm seeing is a nice cold glass of lemonade."

"
Well, come on into the kitchen, and I'll fix ya up one."

She hobbled behind him and sat down at the table. The cozy room smelled of the chicken she'd put in the oven this morning, and her stomach growled.

Ezekiel was busy cutting up lemons to squeeze into the pitcher of water on the counter
.

"
Ezekiel," she asked, "how many men work on the ranch?"

His long fingers pinched the lemon, and she watched as the juice dripped into the water.
"Well, there used to be twenty-five. But now that Rusty's gone there's twenty-four."

"
Rusty's gone?" She remembered him from the day she'd watched the bull riding.

"
The boss fired him after," he hesitated, "after you fell off that horse."

She leaned forward in her chair. "Why?"

His brown eyes searched the floor. "I don't think I should say."

"
Well, if it concerns me, don't you think I have a right to know?"

Ezekiel shook his head.
"Ain't my place to tell ya. If you want to know, you best ask the boss."

"
Ask the boss?" she echoed.
What is going on?
Why won't Ezekiel tell me why Rusty was fired?
Does it have anything to do with the odd feeling someone is watching me?

"
Yes'm."

Unable to get anymore out of Ezekiel, she grew angry. Oh, she'd ask John all right.
Mr, we need to trust each other
. She grabbed her crutches and headed for the door.

"
Now where you off to?" Ezekiel called after her.