Chasing Chaos: A Novel (23 page)

The
woman put her hand on Daphne’s shoulder. “Sometimes, in crises, we feel like
we’re supposed to suffer. But we’re not.”

Daphne
looked closer at the woman’s ID badge. She was a pathology resident. A doctor
familiar with death. She wondered how much this doctor knew about suffering.

“Thank
you,” Daphne said. When she moved to stand, Miranda helped her to her feet.

The
pathologist headed back through the double doors.

Miranda
and Daphne took the elevator back to the first floor to find some food and kill
time while waiting for the prescription.

At
the food court, Miranda left Daphne to rest her feet and stood in line for
greasy fast food to cure their hangovers.

Daphne’s
phone rang again. Marlon. Her concern about Carrie overcame her desire to avoid
him. She declined his call but sent him a text message.

“Is
Carrie OK?” Daphne wrote.

“Yes.
She’s still in the hospital but is being released this afternoon. Where are
you?” he replied.

She
didn’t respond. She wanted to see Carrie, to apologize to her. How could she
find her?

She
called Sandy.

“Daphne,”
Sandy said. “It’s great to hear your voice. I’m so sorry to hear about Dan.”

“Thank
you,” she said with a small sob. “Thank you for caring about what happened to
him.”

“Oh
Daphne,” Sandy said. “You cared about him, and I care about you. It’s simple
math.” The warmth of his voice transmitted through the phone, bringing more
tears to her eyes.

“I’m
back at the hospital,” she said.

“Why?
What’s going on?”

“I’m
helping the hospital notify Dan’s family. They didn’t know how to reach his
parents.”

“Are
you alone?”

“Miranda
came with me.”

“Ah.”
He sounded pleased. “Did you need something?”

“Yes.
But it’s all right if you want to say no.” She took a deep breath. “I’d like to
visit Carrie.”

“That
sounds like a great idea.”

“It
does?”

“Of
course. She’s already asked about you.”

Carrie
had asked about her? Carrie wasn’t angry with her? How was that possible?

“I
don’t know what room she’s in,” Daphne said. “Will you tell me?”

“Sure.
I forgot the room number, though. Let me ask the nurse real quick.”

Sandy
was here at the hospital too? Why?

She
waited, hearing only hushed voices on the other end of the line, then Sandy
came back and told her the room number.

“Thanks,
Sandy.”

“You
do know this wasn’t your fault.”

“Smoke.
Fire. You’ve been around long enough to know how that works.”

“I
have definitely been around. And I know this wasn’t your fault.”

“Sandy,
you have always been a great friend to me. Thank you for that.”

~~~~

Sandy
and Marlon stood in the atrium entrance to the hospital. Marlon paced while
Sandy finished his call to Daphne.

“She’s
speaking to me in the past tense. That’s not a good sign.”

“What
does that mean?” Marlon asked, coming to a stop in front of Sandy.

“When
a person starts thanking you for your friendship as though it were about to
end, it usually means that person is about to do something stupid.”

“Daphne
is too sensible to do something stupid,” Marlon said.

“She’s
not too stupid to disappear. And she could. She could send in her scripts to
her agent from anywhere on Earth. We’d never see her again.”

“She
wouldn’t disappear on Greta.”

“She
would if she thought it was the best thing for Greta.”

“This
is crazy!” Marlon said, pacing again. He thought of the girl who’d slept in his
bed that first night, who’d awoken in the early morning hours and told him she
was a terrible bet. She really believed that about herself. And he had only
confirmed it for her with his horrible words to her last night:
You put her
in danger just by breathing.

And
then he’d made her sit alone while her friend died. Dan hadn’t been perfect,
but he’d been in her life. She’d been alone, and she’d been alone because of
Marlon.

“Tell
me what to do,” he said to Sandy.

“If
I were you? I’d go wait outside of Carrie’s room and catch her on her way out.
If she tells you to stay away from her, I’d do what she says. But I wouldn’t
let her go, man.” Sandy shook his head. “This right here is one of those
moments of truth that you hear about.”

~~~~

Daphne
knocked on Carrie’s door. Miranda sat down to wait in a chair just outside of
the room, sipping a huge cup of coffee.

“Come
in!” Carrie called from the other side.

Daphne
cracked the door, making sure no one else was in the room. Then she opened the
door all the way.

“Daphne!”
Carrie squealed. “Come sit. I’m so bored.”

“Hey,
Carrie.”

Daphne
sat in a chair next to Carrie’s bed, careful not to touch the bed or Carrie.
Carrie seemed a priceless artifact that Daphne would damage by accident.

“I’m
so sorry about Dan,” Carrie said. “It’s just horrible that he died.”

Daphne
started crying despite herself. “Damn it,” she said. “I swore I wouldn’t cry in
here.”

“Why
not?” Carrie asked. “It’s really sad. He was a genius, and he was your friend.”

“But
he hurt you.”

“Not
on purpose. Plus, it’s my fault too.” Carrie tilted her head. “Wait. You’re
sounding an awful lot like Marlon.”

“What
do you mean?”

“Are
you two determined to not let me take any responsibility for my bad judgment?”

Daphne
laughed. “When I was your age, I had essentially no parents and plenty of bad
judgment. I would have been mortally offended if someone tried to tell me I
wasn’t responsible for my own actions.”

“Finally,
someone understands me!”

“But
Carrie, the world is a big place. Things happen around us in ways we can’t
always see. It’s not as simple as flipping a switch and the lights come on.”

Carrie
looked at Daphne like Daphne had lost her mind. “I have no idea what you are
talking about.”

“Dan
is partly to blame. You are partly to blame. But I’m partly to blame too. I
came to apologize to you.”

“Are
you serious? For what?”

“For
ever putting you in Dan’s path. I think he used you to get back at me because I
hurt him.”

“Even
if that were true, he made that choice. And I made the choice to get in his
car—twice. No, three times. And none of those choices were yours.”

“Please
accept my apology. It’s important to me.”

“Daphne,
this is ridiculous!”

“You’ll
understand some day.”

“Ooooh!
Now you’re talking to me like I’m a child. You and Marlon deserve each other.”
Carrie crossed her arms. “Go away.”

Daphne
stood, smiling slightly. She loved seeing Carrie so animated, so healthy.
Carrie made her happy. But Daphne knew Marlon was lost to her, and rightly so,
because she had put another innocent girl in the path of a dangerous man.

“Bye,
Carrie.”

“Ugh.
See you at Rivet.”

Daphne
didn’t reply as she backed into the hallway and closed the door behind her. She
smiled to herself, thinking of Carrie’s annoyance.

She
dropped her smile when she saw the two people facing off in the hall. Miranda
stood, arms crossed, blocking Marlon’s path. Marlon looked at Daphne over
Miranda’s shoulder, a beseeching expression on his face.

Daphne
turned and shuffled away from them. She wasn’t sure where the hallway led. She
just needed to escape.

“Daphne,
wait!” Marlon called.

“Stop,
you imbecile,” Miranda said. “She obviously doesn’t want to talk to you.”

“I
just need a minute. Just one minute.”

“Pushy
men. Why do you always think women owe you their time?”

Daphne
paused in her shuffling. She laughed a little at Miranda’s exasperated words.

“Fine.”
Daphne turned. “You can have one minute.”

Marlon
dashed around Miranda and stopped short in front of Daphne. “What happened to
your feet?” he asked, examining her bandages.

“Your
minute is passing fast.”

“Carrie
told me she wouldn’t talk to me again until I apologized to you.”

“You
apologized on your phone message. Problem solved.”

Daphne
kept her voice cold. She had to be cold because Marlon was saying everything
she wanted to hear. She wanted to dive into his arms, let him hold her. But she
couldn’t let him hold her. He’d been right last night.

She
put them all in danger.

“I
said horrible things to you,” he said. “There’s no excuse.”

Daphne
glanced at her watch.

“God,
Daphne! Give me something here.”

“OK,
Marlon. I have something for you.” She put on her most disdainful expression.
“I realize Dan is, you know, dead, so he can’t confirm this for us. But I want
you to think back to the party last night.”

“OK.”
Marlon sounded wary. Good.

“Think
back to something he said right before he left. Basically his last words to us.
You know, his last words to us, ever.”

Marlon
winced. Excellent.

“He
said I cheated on him with you the night before I broke up with him. He thought
it was poetic justice that he was going out with your sister.”

Daphne
watched as Marlon processed the memory of Dan’s words.

“I
didn’t understand what he meant at the time,” Marlon said, “except that he was
using Carrie to piss us off.”

“Well,
of course he was using Carrie to piss us off. But what you didn’t understand
was that I did cheat on Dan the night before I broke up with him. I just wasn’t
with you when I did it.”

Realization
crossed Marlon’s face. “There was another guy.”

“There
was another guy.” Daphne counted with her fingers. “There was another guy,
there was Dan, and there was you. All in one week.”

Marlon
shook his head, as though doubting her words. She was playing on the most basic
male insecurity. In her experience, no man wanted to date a promiscuous woman.
Ever. Men wanted their virgin fantasies. Their faithful, adoring girlfriends.
Thing was, Daphne could never be a virgin fantasy. There was no point in
trying.

Daphne
dropped the next bomb.

“Move
along, Marlon,” she said. “We had a nice couple of days. You were an excellent
rebound.”

He
looked at her with open disbelief. “You’re lying.”

“Miranda!”
Daphne called. Miranda stepped over. “Who was your date to Greta’s wedding? Be
very specific.”

Miranda
gave her a questioning look. Daphne nodded.

“He
was the guy you slept with last Saturday night,” Miranda said. “Awkward timing
on my part, lady. Sorry about that.”

“I’m
not lying, Marlon,” Daphne said. “I’m glad Carrie’s OK. But I don’t really see
any reason for us to talk any more.”

She
turned her back to him, and Miranda fell into step beside her.

“I
don’t believe you,” Marlon called out.

“Grow
up,” Miranda said to him because Daphne couldn’t speak through her silent
tears. Once they were far enough away that he wouldn’t be able to hear them,
Miranda said, “Well, that was sufficiently cold. I think he almost bought it.
I, for one, am impressed with your acting skills.”

“I
need him to believe me.”

“Why?”
Miranda pressed a button on an elevator to take them down to the hospital
pharmacy.

“I
need them all to stay away from me. It’s better for them if I’m not in their
lives.”

“Are
we seriously back to this?”

“Miranda,
you didn’t see what happened to Greta. This is like a nightmarish instant
replay. And this time, someone is dead.”

“What
happened to you to make you feel like all the terrible things that occur are
actually within your control?”

Daphne
thought for a moment. “Nothing. And everything.”

Miranda
put her hands on Daphne’s shoulders. “My mom spent the last fifteen years
trying to leave this world in one way or another. At first I blamed myself. I
thought, if I were just a better daughter, then she’d want to stick around.”
Miranda laughed, but it wasn’t really laughter. “At some point you have to
realize you aren’t in charge of what other people do to themselves or to other
people. You can only stand by and watch.”