Chart Throb (7 page)
Authors: Ben Elton
‘By appearing on a nationwide talent show?’
‘Yes! By appearing on the single most influential, ubiquitous and powerful cultural institution in the country. You, sir, with the help of your passionate commitment to organic farming, high-fibre diets and full youth employment, and your pleasant light baritone, can save the monarchy as surely as Queen Bess did at Tilbury. This, sir, is your duty!’
‘My duty?’
‘Yes! Your duty!’
‘To appear on
Chart Throb
?’
Chart Throb
?’
‘Yes, sir! Your country needs you.’
His Royal Highness did not reply. For a time he sipped his tea in silence, seemingly trying to come to terms with the enormity of what was being suggested.
‘Sir,’ Calvin said with heavy significance, ‘we are living in a
post-modern world.’
This was a phrase which Calvin used regularly and with great effect, despite having no idea what it meant.
post-modern world.’
This was a phrase which Calvin used regularly and with great effect, despite having no idea what it meant.
Still the Prince remained silent.
‘
Plus
,’ Calvin urged, laying his trump card down on the table, ‘people will love you again.’
Plus
,’ Calvin urged, laying his trump card down on the table, ‘people will love you again.’
His Royal Highness looked up.
‘Do you . . . Do you really think so?’
It seemed to Calvin that there was a wealth of weariness in his sad eyes.
‘Of course,’ Calvin said quietly. ‘Everyone loves the winner of
Chart Throb.’
Chart Throb.’
‘Winner?’
Calvin had almost revealed too much of his hand.
‘Well, perhaps not
winner
, sir, that of course will be up to the public to decide, but as the country’s foremost judge of talent and personality I am convinced that you could go a very long way. At least far enough for people to have the opportunity to see the
real you.’
winner
, sir, that of course will be up to the public to decide, but as the country’s foremost judge of talent and personality I am convinced that you could go a very long way. At least far enough for people to have the opportunity to see the
real you.’
Once more the Prince fell silent for the time it took to nibble a biscuit. When he spoke again Calvin knew he had his man.
‘I’ve never seen
Chart Throb
,’ he said, ‘but I remember my boys watching
X Factor.’
Chart Throb
,’ he said, ‘but I remember my boys watching
X Factor.’
‘And?’
‘I believe they received upwards of seventy-five thousand entrants.’
‘We got ninety-five last series.’
‘Well, forgive my stupidity, Mr Simms. How do you propose to convince people that having auditioned all those ninety-five thousand the best potential pop star you could come up with was
yours truly
?’
yours truly
?’
Calvin was actually surprised. He had imagined that, having been a part of the cultural establishment all his life, the Prince of Wales might be a little more astute than the average punter. He might have just a modicum of media savvy. Some simple common sense even. But it turned out that he was wrong. The heir to the throne clearly still believed in the tooth fairy.
‘Ninety-five thousand people?’ Calvin said.
‘Yes.’
‘And you think we audition them all?’
‘I was under the impression that that was the
whole point
. Don’t you?’
whole point
. Don’t you?’
‘No.’
‘You don’t audition them?’
‘No, we don’t.’
‘Oh . . . I’m not sure I follow.’
‘Sir. Please. Just do the maths.’
The Maths
Ninety-five thousand people.
Three judges.
Twelve finalists.
Just one
Chart Throb!!
Chart Throb!!
That was the breathless message with which (accompanied by the urgent, pounding,
Chart Throb
theme music) the lovely Keely would preface each episode of the show. Reminding the public yet again of the gigantic number of applicants and the three stern, unbending arbiters of poptastic excellence whose arses each and every wannabe star must attempt to rock in order to reach the finals.
Chart Throb
theme music) the lovely Keely would preface each episode of the show. Reminding the public yet again of the gigantic number of applicants and the three stern, unbending arbiters of poptastic excellence whose arses each and every wannabe star must attempt to rock in order to reach the finals.
Ninety-five thousand people.
Three judges.
Twelve finalists.
Just one
Chart Throb!!
Chart Throb!!
Keely would shout it over footage of impossibly long escalators crowded with gurning hopefuls. She would yell it in front of leisure-centre reception areas packed with a cheering, chanting throng of stars in waiting. She screamed it as the dizzying, whirling crane shots spun over the heads of vast crowds in car parks. She shouted it again as the endless queues snaked their way forward so that the thousands of hopefuls might be numbered, badged and registered at the long trestle tables.
And after the crowds came the moody and dramatic shots of the three judges, dressed in black, arms folded, staring into the cameras with those grim, unsmiling faces. Faces which said ‘We will see you, we will judge you fairly, you
will
get your chance. But do
not
fuck with us because we will
not
be taking any shit and only the best and the toughest will survive our ruthless selection process.’
will
get your chance. But do
not
fuck with us because we will
not
be taking any shit and only the best and the toughest will survive our ruthless selection process.’
Ninety-five thousand people
.
.
Three judges
.
.
That was it, the whole show in a nutshell. The connection made loud and clear to the meanest intelligence.
Ninety-five thousand hopefuls. The mad and the sad. The sublime and the ridiculous. The tragic and the gifted. The beautiful and the damned. The good. The bad. And the very, very ugly. And then the ruthless Politburo of Pop. Calvin, Beryl and the other bloke, who would after an exhaustive audition process choose twelve finalists to be offered up to the nation.
It was all very simple. And it was all complete fiction.
‘Sir,’ Calvin explained, ‘when most of those ninety-five thousand hopefuls get rejected they won’t even be in the same
country
as Beryl, Rodney and me, let alone the same room.’
country
as Beryl, Rodney and me, let alone the same room.’
‘Really? That’s
extraordinary
! Have I been terribly
naïve?’
extraordinary
! Have I been terribly
naïve?’
‘Don’t you read the celebrity magazines?’
‘I sometimes find them in the
loo
when my lads’ girlfriends have stayed.’
loo
when my lads’ girlfriends have stayed.’
‘I thought you considered yourself a man of the people, sir? Anyway, if you did read them you’d know that I spend half the year in LA! I am a
huge
star over there.
Chart Throb USA
is the biggest show in the world.’
huge
star over there.
Chart Throb USA
is the biggest show in the world.’
‘Goodness,
well done
.’
well done
.’
‘So how could I possibly find the time to wander around provincial Britain personally considering the star quality of
ninety-five thousand
nobodies?’
ninety-five thousand
nobodies?’
‘Well, perhaps not you, but . . .’
‘Maybe the other two, you think? Beryl lives in America full time! It’s public knowledge that she looks after the entertainment ventures of the vast Blenheim family business. Rodney’s around, of course, but even he has a
life
of some sort. How could you, how could
anyone
possibly imagine that the three of us could arrange to meet up and conduct ninety-five thousand auditions?’
life
of some sort. How could you, how could
anyone
possibly imagine that the three of us could arrange to meet up and conduct ninety-five thousand auditions?’
‘Well, I suppose I hadn’t imagined that you actually
auditioned
them
all
.’
auditioned
them
all
.’
‘Maybe you think we open the envelopes? Maybe you think we read ninety-five thousand of these?’
Calvin handed the Prince a copy of the
Chart Throb
entrance form. In that carefully worded document the applicant was required to promise to abide by the rules of the competition no matter how often they might be changed and never, on pain of criminal prosecution, to discuss any aspect of their experience with the press.
Chart Throb
entrance form. In that carefully worded document the applicant was required to promise to abide by the rules of the competition no matter how often they might be changed and never, on pain of criminal prosecution, to discuss any aspect of their experience with the press.
‘Every single person who fills in one of these,’ Calvin continued, ‘does so because they want to prove to me, Beryl and Rodney that they have
what it takes
– that X, that It, that Pow! which will propel them from the humdrum inadequacy of their current existence towards that mythical nirvana called the “celebrity lifestyle”. They all think they have a
chance.
That once they get themselves in front of those three famous judges they have a
genuine chance
, no matter how small, of all their dreams coming true.’
what it takes
– that X, that It, that Pow! which will propel them from the humdrum inadequacy of their current existence towards that mythical nirvana called the “celebrity lifestyle”. They all think they have a
chance.
That once they get themselves in front of those three famous judges they have a
genuine chance
, no matter how small, of all their dreams coming true.’
‘Well, I’m sure they do.’
‘But they’re not going to get in front of us, are they, sir? At least about ninety-four thousand of them won’t. The chances of any of them actually getting to perform for me, Beryl and Rodney are tiny.’
‘Goodness gracious,’ the Prince said, genuinely surprised, ‘so it’s all a
lie
?’
lie
?’
‘Of course it isn’t a lie, sir! It’s show business. It’s entertainment. We don’t deceive anybody. The information is there for people if they want to see it, they only have to
do the maths.
Ninety-five thousand contestants, three judges. How could we
possibly
consider even a fraction of that number? Say we did ten an hour, that’s nine thousand five hundred hours. Assuming we worked a ten-hour day, that would be nine hundred and fifty days! That’s nearly
three years
we would have to be sitting there behind a trestle table saying, “I think you need to find yourself another dream,” to an endless stream of idiots, and that’s if we worked flat out without a break.’
do the maths.
Ninety-five thousand contestants, three judges. How could we
possibly
consider even a fraction of that number? Say we did ten an hour, that’s nine thousand five hundred hours. Assuming we worked a ten-hour day, that would be nine hundred and fifty days! That’s nearly
three years
we would have to be sitting there behind a trestle table saying, “I think you need to find yourself another dream,” to an endless stream of idiots, and that’s if we worked flat out without a break.’
‘I suppose it does all seem a bit
improbable
when you come to think about it,’ the Prince conceded.
improbable
when you come to think about it,’ the Prince conceded.
‘Of course it is. People can work it out if they want to. They only have to
do the maths.
But they don’t want to do the maths and why should they? Any more than they would want to watch a film that reminded them that it was only actors reciting a script. We are an entertainment show. My researchers select the most interesting and entertaining personalities to bring before the judges. I am in no doubt, sir, that you would be selected, with or without my help. Just as I have no doubt that you will make it to the finals. Then it will be between you and the public.
Your
public. Your people. This is about the soul of the nation, sir. It’s 1940 and the barbarians are at the gate. Britain is holding out for a hero. Will you accept the challenge, sir? Will you be that hero?’
do the maths.
But they don’t want to do the maths and why should they? Any more than they would want to watch a film that reminded them that it was only actors reciting a script. We are an entertainment show. My researchers select the most interesting and entertaining personalities to bring before the judges. I am in no doubt, sir, that you would be selected, with or without my help. Just as I have no doubt that you will make it to the finals. Then it will be between you and the public.
Your
public. Your people. This is about the soul of the nation, sir. It’s 1940 and the barbarians are at the gate. Britain is holding out for a hero. Will you accept the challenge, sir? Will you be that hero?’
Shaiana
For the hundredth time she began the sentence anew.
How could she do it? Put down in ten words her hopes, her dreams. Her
hunger
to be a singer.
hunger
to be a singer.
I want it so much
, she wrote.
, she wrote.
Even as she set down the words, she knew that they were hollow and uninspiring. Why would anybody care that she wanted it? Everybody wanted it. What was not to want? But did they want it like
she
wanted it? Did they want it
so much
? That was why they
had
to choose her, because of how
much
she wanted it. They simply had to recognize her ferocious desire to show the world that she was not a nothing, a joke, a nobody.
That
was what made her different.
That
was why she could be a star. Because her performance would be fuelled by the passion of a thousand slights and sneers.
she
wanted it? Did they want it
so much
? That was why they
had
to choose her, because of how
much
she wanted it. They simply had to recognize her ferocious desire to show the world that she was not a nothing, a joke, a nobody.
That
was what made her different.
That
was why she could be a star. Because her performance would be fuelled by the passion of a thousand slights and sneers.
I want it so much
– five words.
– five words.
That left her with five more to write. Perhaps she could redeem her application with those. Come up with some brilliant, sparkling, seductive little sentence that would hide her pain and show her to be the brilliant, sparkling, seductive young woman she so wished herself to be.
Instead, once more she wrote
I want it so much.
I want it so much.
Now she had ten words. Or rather she had five words, twice.
Shaiana reached for her pills and swallowed three. The bottle was nearly empty but she knew that she could get more. There had always been drugs in her life, drugs and booze. Even as a little girl she had never known a time when those bittersweet panaceas had not been part of the furniture in her family home.
The pills helped but Shaiana craved a much stronger drug. She was certain that if she could just prove herself as a singer, if she could be a star and in so doing distance herself from the demeaning life that had created and defined her, then she would no longer need to find comfort and escape in those pills.
Once more she tried to focus her tired eyes on the application form, as if hoping to find inspiration from the cold hard commands that she already knew by heart.
I want it so much. I want it so much.
With a start Shaiana realized she had written the words on the form itself. Up until that point she had been writing her sentences out in rough on a big block of ruled A4 that had once been intended to contain her schoolwork. Now, suddenly, she had committed herself.
Not really, of course. She could download another form easily enough, she could download a hundred. But she didn’t. Perhaps this was a sign. Perhaps the truth was what she was
meant
to write. Shaiana took up the form, filled in her details, signed it, attached her photograph and slipped it into an envelope.
meant
to write. Shaiana took up the form, filled in her details, signed it, attached her photograph and slipped it into an envelope.
Emma and the Clingers, Blingers and Mingers
Two weeks later the envelope was being opened at the offices of
Chart Throb
in London. The person opening it was called Emma, a researcher on the show. Emma was good at her job and destined for advancement. On the last series three of her initial picks had actually been chosen as finalists, which was, of course, every researcher’s dream. Born with a naturally sympathetic personality, Emma had always been alert to people’s anxieties and dreams, understanding when they were unhappy and required support. This gave her a real edge in sensing the neediness that was such an essential element in the emotional make-up of the successful
Chart Throb
applicant.
Chart Throb
in London. The person opening it was called Emma, a researcher on the show. Emma was good at her job and destined for advancement. On the last series three of her initial picks had actually been chosen as finalists, which was, of course, every researcher’s dream. Born with a naturally sympathetic personality, Emma had always been alert to people’s anxieties and dreams, understanding when they were unhappy and required support. This gave her a real edge in sensing the neediness that was such an essential element in the emotional make-up of the successful
Chart Throb
applicant.
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