Charmed (Contemporary Romance) (23 page)

“Don’t do this, Jamie. You know that’s not what happened.”

“So you don’t date moms, you just sleep with them, right? That way, you don’t have to raise their kids.” She was being a coward by placing the blame on him, and she knew it. Just one more way to push him as far away from her as possible.

Nick just watched her, his jaw set.

“And you couldn’t even remember my name that day we bumped into each other downtown, so don’t tell me you were crazy about me from the day we met. God, I’m so stupid,” she whispered under her breath.

Nick was so quiet that, eventually, Jamie looked up. He was just staring at her. His hair was rumpled, his cargo pants were still undone, and he didn’t have a shirt on. But he was just standing there, pain in his eyes.

“Are you done?” he asked. His tone was even, and he was looking at her directly. “I never dated young moms because I could never become involved in a child’s life and then just walk out if things didn’t work out with their mom. I knew I’d stick around, and I didn’t want to go through a mess like that. That
hasn’t
changed. What has changed is all of us together — you, me, Emma and the boys — we’re something else. I love you, and I love
us
. And that day we met downtown? I didn’t say your name because Emma caught me saying it out loud just days before. I didn’t want her to know you were the one I was thinking about in the middle of the night.”

A heavy, tense silence filled the air between them.

Michael and Timmy. Timmy and Michael.

A tear rolled down her cheek. She took a deep breath, held it, and successfully kept other tears from falling. Nick was in front of her now.

“I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.” How could a simple crush have led to all this?

He sat down next to her, gently wiping her one tear away with the back of his hand.

“Wrong. I think on some subconscious level, we’ve both known what we’ve been doing from the very beginning, from the moment we laid eyes on each other, we knew. We were just too conscious of a million reasons why we couldn’t be together, and something else took over. And right now, I could tell you every one of my logical reasons for letting you go and not one of them would matter because I need you, and I know you need me, too.”

The pain in her chest was almost unbearable.

“Jamie, I know you’ve felt all of this before, and you lost it … ”

He didn’t seem to know how to finish the sentence. Jamie stared into the fire for a long time. It finally occurred to her that it didn’t matter how things had gotten so far, it only mattered that they had. She held her breath. She was deeply in love with Nick … and that she had never felt anything like it.

He was holding her, and the feeling of belonging there was mixed with real fear. She’d never stopped to consider Nick could get hurt. It hadn’t seemed possible. But Nick loved her, too, and she owed his feelings the truth.

Jamie had so far managed to keep her tears just below the surface, but what she was about to say threatened to unlock them. She took a deep, steadying breath.

“My mom says you should never speak of the dead because they’re not here to defend themselves, but you deserve the truth.” Jamie paused, swallowed hard, and looked down at her hands. “I wasn’t happy in my marriage, Nick, and I hadn’t been for a long time.”

Nick was silent as he watched her, but he was obviously taken aback.

“When Scott and I met, and while we went out, everything had seemed so perfect, so fairy-tale like. It was a whirlwind romance, and I was sure I was one of the lucky few who got to live in a dream. But once we got married, once we started living together day and night, things started to come up, but they didn’t fit with who I thought he was, and I just kept pushing doubts away.”

Jamie was quiet for a while. She didn’t want to say it all out loud, didn’t feel it was right — after all, he really wasn’t there to share his side.

She’d gotten pregnant within the year, and thought it would be the perfect time to start her business. He didn’t want her to start her own business, always saying that teaching was more stable … even though he’d known before marrying her that owning her own jewelry business was her ultimate goal. And he wouldn’t let up about it.

“He didn’t want me to have my own business and when I got started anyway, he acted as if I were disobeying him, and I knew then it had become about control. He belittled my dreams and mocked my ideas. And I didn’t know what to do because I was pregnant with
two
children … ”

She closed her eyes, remembering how tense it had been. She couldn’t talk about her things with him anymore, but everything was fine as long as they talked about him and his career.

“And then the twins were born. Taking care of the twins all day — they never slept at the same time, one of them always needed changing or feeding or something — and Scott wasn’t much help when he got home. And he always had an excuse not to come with me to visit my parents, and the trip was difficult with two babies crying in the back seat. I told myself he was just too busy — he had difficult cases. But I was so disenchanted with him.

“I could never get dinner right. It was always too this or too that. The house was never in order to his satisfaction. He would just go on and on and on, until I thought I’d go crazy. How could I be a good mom if I was going crazy?”

She should wear more pantsuits instead of skirts, he would say. She should cut her hair shorter now that she was a mom. When she wouldn’t give in to his ridiculous demands, he’d become more and more relentless.

Jamie stared into the fire to gather strength. The darkness outside, the fire within, and Nick, would all keep her secrets.

“I tried finding excuses for him for two more years, that he was overworked, that he had learned the behavior from his father … I told him it had to stop time and time again, that I always felt on edge and stressed with him around, always depressed, always defensive. It changed me. But I hated to admit I had failed at the one thing I had never expected to, and I’d always remind myself of my own faults and tell myself that it took two people to argue.

“Then, when the twins turned three, all of our families were together, and I saw how his dad treated his mom, and then I saw my parents’ marriage and Justin’s marriage and it finally hit me. He wasn’t going to change, and I didn’t want my kids learning it was okay to treat people with disrespect.” Jamie took in a deep breath. “And I couldn’t drudge up any positive feelings for him, I just couldn’t.”

Jamie shook her head as if the action could keep her from crying. But tears flowed anyway. “I told him a week later, and he flung so many insults at me that I left that night, stayed at a hotel with the kids.” Jamie paused and swallowed. “Three days later, he was gone.” Nick’s arm circled her shoulder.

“Everyone’s world just — ” She sighed. There wasn’t a word for it. The boys didn’t understand why their father wasn’t coming home, her in-laws were devastated, and her family suffered because she and the boys suffered. “This guilt hung over me for the longest time, because I thought maybe I’d triggered it, even when the doctors explained why it happened.

“And then on the day of the funeral, this woman lawyer from his firm wanted to speak to me afterward. She and I had become friendly after meeting one day in the park, and I thought she wanted to offer deeper condolences. I was putting something away in my car … and she came up behind me.” Jamie swallowed and wrung her hands. “She said that Scott had told her I had found out about their affair, and she wanted me to know, for my own
comfort
, that he had put an end to it. You should’ve seen her, she was crying, had the nerve to grieve in front of me. And my whole family was right behind her. They’d come up to the parking lot in one large group, and they heard every last word. Even some of my aunts and uncles from New York.” Jamie shook her head, remembering that final, humiliating moment.

“So many things began making sense, like how uncomfortable Scott had seemed when our kids had played together that day in the park. But she’d been so friendly … We even exchanged numbers, right in front of Scott, and she called me for another play date sometime after. But then, I also noticed she’d look at me with this triumphant smirk when I accompanied Scott to parties. His secretary covered for him, too. I confronted her a few weeks later, found out everyone knew except me.” Jamie stopped, and moved away from Nick.

Nick leaned against the wall, gently tugged her to him, and folded her in his arms. He didn’t say a thing. He just kissed her hair and smoothed his hands over her arms. Jamie closed her eyes, exhausted.

• • •

Nick had never felt this helpless. He wanted to hold Jamie until her pain melted away. But there were things people had to get through on their own, and she wasn’t there yet.

To say he was stunned was an understatement. The thought that she hadn’t been happy in her marriage had never occurred to him. Though he had noticed some things were kind of off, she spoke about him as a good father, and he just assumed he’d been a good husband. And the extent of her unhappiness and everything she’d been holding in was overwhelming.

Jamie was quiet and still for such a long time, that he thought she might have fallen asleep. He leaned his head against the window and wondered how he was ever going to let her go. But she shifted in his arms, and looked at him.

“Nick, I never want to go through anything like that again. Ever. I don’t want to stop living in the moment and not fully appreciate my time with Michael and Timmy because I’m emotionally tied up in someone else.”

Nick could understand where she was coming from, and he didn’t know what to say. He tried hard not to judge Scott because Jamie was right. Scott was never given the chance to redeem himself. But he’d met a few people like that in his life. Narcissistic and controlling, assuming it was everyone’s job to submit to their needs and whims. He couldn’t help but feel angry at someone who was gone.

Jamie moved out of his embrace. “I’ve got to go, Nick.”

“Stay, Jamie. The roads are slippery and you shouldn’t be driving.”

She shook her head. “It’s a five-minute drive, and I’ll be careful. I’ll even call when I get there, but I really do have to go.”

Nick stood up and took her hands in his.

“What do you want from me, Nick? You know I can’t do this. I’m just now getting back to feeling like me again.”

Nick considered his words carefully. Jamie had shown him she loved him, too, in so many ways tonight. “You just let me in, Jamie, and though I understand you better than before, I feel I’ve known
you
, who you really are, for quite a while. All I want is for you to try to see past your fears. With time, I think you’d see that you know me, too, and that you already trust me with you and with Michael and Timmy.”

“You’re wrong. How can I trust you? One moment you say you don’t want kids and you’re dying to get away from it all … ” Her voice trailed. “It’s people who change from one moment to the next that you
can’t
trust, Nick.”

Nick sighed. “It wasn’t about not wanting kids or about running away from my responsibilities for a year. Tonight with your family … I never had that. You and I can have that. I know it now. And you know the truth about me, about the father I am and the man I’ve always been. Things wouldn’t have gotten this far if you didn’t.”

“I
hate
that things have gotten this far, okay? Even if this were just about me, I wouldn’t have it in me to try again. I don’t even have it in me to see you every day, Nick. You know I’ve been looking forward to you going away.”

Nick breathed in. “If being around me causes you pain, then I’ll leave. For you, I’ll put distance between us. But … you’re stronger than you think, Jamie. You were strong enough to give your marriage your all, and you were strong enough to walk away when you figured out it would never work.”

She hugged him before leaving, and he held her tight. “This is where I want to be, Jamie. One call, one e-mail, and wherever I am, I’ll come home to you.”

The morning before Christmas Day, Jamie and the kids found three presents on the front porch, right before Joseph and Cindy arrived. Michael received a set of plastic, miniature rockets, Timmy got a musical water globe with Santa’s village inside, and Jamie got a beautiful, white cashmere scarf. There was a note wishing them a Merry Christmas from Nick and Emma.

They’d barely had time to open the gifts and read the card when they heard a knock on the door. The boys were so excited to see their grandparents that Jamie was able to quickly put the presents away.

The day was pleasant; it seemed as if not even Joseph could put a damper on the day before Christmas. That evening, they drove around town and her in-laws were delighted with the huge, heavily decorated tree in the middle of the square, and the all-out decorations. Joseph even went as far as commenting that it seemed like an okay place to grow up.

On Christmas morning, Timmy and Michael woke up at five
A.M.
, and Jamie’s heart soared, watching them excitedly open their presents. They were delighted with everything, from the toys they had asked for in their carefully detailed letters, to the things they hadn’t even known they wanted.

The familiar sorrow that their father wasn’t there to enjoy the moment filled her, but she couldn’t let the feeling linger; and it was almost impossible not to be full of joy when watching children on a Christmas morning.

The thought of Nick and Emma enjoying the kids’ scene crept in at a certain point, but she pushed the thought away.

The boys were barely able to sit still during breakfast, both itching to play the day away with their new toys. Joseph left with them, and Jamie helped Cindy clear the table until the phone rang.

“Jamie! First, Merry Christmas, honey! Second … I’ve got some good news!”

“What’s up?” Jamie smiled when she heard her sister-in-law’s voice rambling over the phone.

“Well, BU’s coach called Justin to ask if he’d face off at an exhibition game with the entire BU team behind him — he’s really excited that they thought of him.”