Charm & Strange (12 page)

His face went bright red. “Jeez, just shut up already, Drew.”

“Don’t tell me to shut up! I’ve seen you two. Like at the fair, you
kissed
her!”

Keith’s mouth opened. Then closed. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. At all.”

“Well, I don’t like her. I think she’s bad for you to be around.”

He snorted. “No, she’s not.”

“She’s mean,” I said. “She’s mean to me.”

“You know, your precious Anna is the one to watch out for. She’s the bad one.”

“No, she isn’t!” My voice rose. It startled me.

“Yeah, right,” said Keith.

“What about you?” I snapped back.

“What about me?”

“You’re the meanest of all! You’re the one who drugged me!”

Keith’s jaw dropped. A great cloud of hurt and shock blew across his face.

“Drew,”
he said, reaching for me.

Then it was the hunger, the thirst, the medication, the stress, I don’t know, but I didn’t feel well. My legs buckled right there in the cool shade of the mossy forest. Keith must have seen something, the sickly gray of my cheeks, the vacant glaze of my eyes, because he grabbed me around the chest before I pitched over.

“I have to lie down,” I managed.

“We’ll head back.” He leaned down. “Get on.”

I rode on his back the rest of the way. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and turned my head to watch the forest go by above me. A surreal effect, it felt like the world had been flipped. I floated, weightless, nothing more than ether pulled into a formless journey. The dark branches of the trees swept us along, long, shadowy arms raking against our bodies, propelling us forward. That flutter of fear riffled through me again. I squeezed my eyes shut.

I focused on the rhythmic sway of my brother’s body as he carried me.

I focused on the whispering of the trees.

Wolves and bombs,
the trees said, and my stomach turned over.

I felt unbalanced.

Where, wolf?
I thought madly.

Whither wolf, Keith?

chapter

twenty-three

matter

I decide the best defense is a good offense. It’s a common strategy of mine.

“Teddy’s worried about you,” I tell Lex.

He lets his head fall back with a loud sigh. “So what else is new? Teddy’s worried about
everything
.”

“Yeah. But the day after that guy was found in the woods, he told me you knew him.”

Lex snorts. “Teddy really told you that?”

“Yes.”

“Whatever.”

“He also says you’ve been drinking too much,” I add.

“Whoa, wait.
Why
did Teddy tell you all of this?”

“Because he couldn’t find you. He thought I might know where you were.”

“Oh, right. See, now I know you’re lying, Win. Why on earth would Teddy ever think that?”

Lex is good. Really good. Clearly, I need to offer up something first if I expect to get anything in return. “Because he saw me eavesdropping on the cops. The morning they found that guy’s body.”

“Well, now we’re getting somewhere. Why were you eavesdropping?”

I feel flustered. “I was just curious.”

“Awesome. So Teddy’s worried. And you’re curious. Am I getting this right?”

“I guess,” I say.

“What does any of this have to do with me? Because, you know, I’m not either.”

“Either what?”

Lex smirks. “Worried or curious.”

“Tell me how you know the dead guy.”

“Tell me why you care.”

I’m playing with fire here, but I push forward. “I care because Teddy said you talked to him last April. At a party out here. The Rite of Spring. That’s the same night you came back to our room and almost died.”

The squeak of Lex’s leather jacket as he runs his hand across his own face is the only sound inside the tent. I can’t even hear him breathing. Outside there’s lots of noise. Laughter. Shouting. The thudding bass and low, lazy vocals of what I think might be the Wu-Tang Clan.

I’m not breathing either. The space between us is inconsequential. It’s inches, maybe. Or feet. Nothing hangs between us. Just air molecules. Oxygen. Nitrogen.

In other ways, the space between us is immeasurable.

“Almost died,” Lex repeats softly.

“That’s what the ER doc said. That your central nervous system was shutting down when you came in.”

“Okay.”

“He thought you did it on purpose, you know. Mixed stuff. Alcohol. Vicodin.”

“Is that what you think?”

“I don’t know. It was, you know, after we talked,” I say.

Lex narrows his eyes. “Why would what we talked about make me want to kill myself?”

“You were upset.”

“Oh fuck, Win. Fuck. I can’t believe you’re bringing this up like this. I can’t believe it.”

“What?”

“You’re acting like your
talking
is what upset me. Did you somehow manage to forget the part of that night where you
totally screwed me over
?”

I swallow. “No.”

He points a finger at me. “Because if I wanted to
die,
there’s no way in hell I would do it with something lame like sleeping pills. Man, I’d do it right. I’d use a gun or jump off a—” He stops.

I continue to hold my breath. My lungs ache-burn, but I don’t give in. I need the hurt. I do. I need some kind of present-day suffering in order to hold the past pain at bay. The memory of Siobhan’s honey hair fluttering as if waving good-bye. The urgent howl of the train whistle.

“Oh, shit,” Lex says. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I am such an idiot sometimes.”

I say nothing.

He keeps talking. “This is … you’re right. I
don’t
know if I can deal with this. I really don’t. I thought I could, and I’m the one who wanted to talk to you tonight. I mean, I’m over what happened with Kelsey, I really am. And the way I’ve acted these last few months, it’s never been about that. It’s more that … look, I know I’ve been a real dick. I can’t even, you know, apologize for that. I just
am
a dick sometimes. It’s who I am. I don’t know why. I don’t have a good reason. I guess I tried to convince myself that it was funny to screw around with you. Because I was mad and, well, because you have such a stick up your ass sometimes, Win, you really do.”

I exhale. “Thanks.”

“But after the other day, in the biology lab, it struck me how serious you are with all this. So none of it’s funny anymore. It’s fucking sad. And I’m sorry that I handled things like I did back then. I mean, yeah, I was pissed you screwed around with the girl I liked, but after you told me, after you explained, well, I should have—” His voice cracks. He shakes his head more. Stuffs his fist into his mouth to keep the words from coming out.

I am confused. His show of emotion repulses me. Is he apologizing for being weak? Maybe he remembers that night differently from the way I do. In fact, I’m sure he does. He was drunk and angry, and after I went to sleep, he took a bunch of Vicodin. And he did it on purpose. I know that, even if he doesn’t. I was the clearheaded one that night, but we’ve never talked about it since. So it stands to reason he might not remember things accurately.

“You need help, Win,” he says.

I smile. “Tell me how you knew the dead guy.”

Lex’s mouth gapes. “Are you listening to me?”

“I’m listening to you avoid my questions.”

“Oh, wow. I’m not avoiding
anything
. Okay, I knew him because I bought drugs off him. Stupid, yeah, but that’s it. He was a dealer, my hookup, small-time stuff. I invited him. He bought the booze for us. That’s why he was at that party. Now the dumb-ass went and got himself mauled by a bear or a moose or a rabid badger, go figure. This is Vermont. It happens all the time. Who the fuck cares?”

“The drugs you took that night?”

Lex throws his hands in the air, exasperated. “Yes. Happy? It’s all totally irrelevant. Why are we talking about me? This is about you. You should, you know, talk to somebody. I’m serious. And it takes a hell of a lot for me to say that. I don’t believe in crap like that. Talking about emotions or taking meds when life gets hard, you know?”

“That’s ironic.”

“Fuck if I care,” he snaps bitterly. “What I mean is that I lived with you for two years. I didn’t say anything when you had those nightmares. All those times you woke up screaming. I didn’t care that you used to do that shit like hit yourself or stick your finger down your throat or whatever. I
protected
you.”

“Teddy says you’ve been drinking too much.”

He holds his hand up. “Just stop.”

“What?”

“Stop making this about
me
! Look, when I needed help, you helped me. And when you needed it, I bailed. I did worse than that. I treated you like shit. So just let me help you, okay?”

“What do I need help with?”

“You told me there’s a wolf inside of you.”

“Yes,” I breathe.

“That’s crazy, Win.”

“No, no, it isn’t,” I say.

“How can that be?”

How can it not?

“It just is. I know. I
feel
it.”

“Then why haven’t you changed?”

“I’m going to. It’s just, I’ve been…” I choose my words carefully. “Stressed.”

Lex sighs. “Well, explain it to me, then. Why you? I mean, I’m not a wolf.”

“Genetics. I don’t understand it all, but it must be some kind of mutation or a recessive thing. I’m pretty sure it’s linked to hormones and physical development, like puberty, you know? But maybe the stress hormones are holding me back. Cortisol can do that. Alter metabolism. Delay maturity.”

“You have an answer for everything.”

“I’ve done a lot of reading on the topic.”

Lex pauses. “You know, you also told me what happened with your brother and your sister. How they died. Why you changed your name.”

Even though Lex didn’t ask a direct question, I also have an answer for that. I really do. I have all the right words. But when my mouth opens, my vocal cords freeze. Nothing comes out.

Nothing.

chapter

twenty-four

antimatter

“Drink this.” Keith set a glass on the counter in front of me. We’d just returned from our hike.

I shot him a tentative glance.

“It’s water,” he said. The guilt in his voice was palpable. “Nothing else. I promise.”

I nodded and drank it. I still felt weak. The clock on the wall said it was after four in the afternoon. An entire day had vanished.

“You hungry?” Keith asked me.

I shook my head.

“Go lie down, then, or something. Rest. You look peaky.”

“What’s peaky?”

“Sick.”

“When will they be back?”

He shrugged. “Don’t know. Why?”

“I need to tell Gram I’m s-sorry. For hitting her.”

Keith rolled his eyes. “Oh, please. You don’t need to tell her anything.”

I felt like crying, just all of a sudden. “Is everyone mad at me?”

“No. Well, Gram started in a bit with how out of control you can be, but Dad told her to knock it off. Said you hadn’t meant to break anything, that traveling was hard on you.”

“He did? He said that?”

“Yup.”

“What about this?” I touched my bandages.

Keith looked right at me. “I told them the cuts were an accident, okay? That’s just between us. Got it?”

I nodded, slid off the bar stool, and switched on the television in the living room.
Pokémon
was on, which I liked, but when Keith came in and sat next to me with a bowl of popcorn, I changed over to a baseball game. Only the Braves weren’t playing. It was the Red Sox, whom we both hated.

As the day faded, the front door opened and the rest of our family streamed in, loud, exhausted, and sunburned from hours at the lake. My grandfather and uncle both grabbed beers from the refrigerator and joined us. They were Boston fans, naturally. Charlie and Anna bounced around and talked about driving into town to see a movie because Anna had just gotten her license. My dad marched upstairs without a word or glance in my direction. My stomach started to hurt. I looked at Keith.

“It’s not you,” he whispered. “I think something happened while he was in New York. He got asked to leave that fellowship. That’s why he’s here. The only reason. So you just stay out of his way. You hear me?”

I nodded, but my body felt overinflated, like I’d been filled up from the inside. I clawed self-consciously at my chest, my neck. My skin flaked at the touch, a sloughing of dried blood and dust.

I felt filthy.

“I need to take a bath,” I said, and Keith nodded, only half listening. He was trying to get Charlie’s attention.

I headed back to the nautical room and entered the bathroom. I switched on the light, took my clothes off, and waited for the water to fill. The room swirled with steam. Moisture collected around my hairline.

I grimaced at my blurry reflection in the full-length mirror on the back of the door. I hated what my body looked like. I always had. Part of the problem was an umbilical hernia that my parents declined to have surgically fixed. It stuck out like a button. I poked at it and pictured a piece of my innards pushing back out, trying to escape containment.

The tub was full. I turned the tap off and stepped in. The heat felt good on my grimy skin and I sank against the tiled wall, careful not to get my bandages wet.

I closed my eyes and promptly fell asleep.

*   *   *

We were in agreement for once.

My dreams wanted to trick me.

I wanted to let them.

My eyes opened hours later. Day had turned night and the bathwater cold. That made me angry. Why had nobody come to check on me? I could have drowned. I’d heard of people not waking up until after they’d already slipped beneath the water. Some even died. Our neighbor Lee tried to tell me that drowning in the bathtub was just a myth, that all those people had actually been murdered by some undetectable poison; but considering the source, I had serious doubts.

Goose bumps rose across my skin as I stepped out. Wet feet on cold floor. My teeth chattered. I grabbed a towel and hustled back into the bedroom. The window remained wide open from earlier, pale curtains fluttering. I went to close it. I didn’t want anyone to see in. I didn’t want anyone to see me.