Charlie and the War Against the Grannies (10 page)

‘When the Stinkly Wrinklys come out of their base . . .'

‘You could have roast rhino.'

‘We'll take them prisoner . . .'

‘Green rhino curry.'

‘If they try and escape . . .'

‘Rhino pie.'

‘We'll bury them up to their necks in dirt, cover them in honey and put ants on their heads.'

‘I'm not doing that,' I said. ‘Can't we just ask them to sit down and not move?'

‘Negative. If you're not willing to bury the Stinkly Wrinklys and cover them in ants then I think we are going to need to formulate another plan,' said Hils.

‘Affirmative,' I said

‘Don't copy,' said Hils.

We stopped out the front of Hils's taekwondo training place. Inside I could hear a lot of people taekwondoing each other. I wondered if any of the Stinkly Wrinklys knew taekwondo. I wondered if our war against the Stinkly Wrinklys would be decided by a taekwondo showdown between Hils and one of the Stinkly Wrinklys.

I sort of hoped it would.

More than sort of, actually.

‘We have to find the Stinkly Wrinklys' headquarters,' said Hils.

‘How are we going to do that?' I said.

Hils looked at me. Her face was very serious. Like someone had just used a really, very, super powerful vacuum cleaner to suck all the unserious out of her.

‘There's only one way,' said Hils. ‘We're going to need The Lurker.'

‘We don't need The Lurker, Hils,' I said. ‘I hate The Lurker. He's so lurkey.'

I waited at the taekwondo place for Hils to finish her class. While she practised shouting and bowing I sat on the front steps and read my book. After a while one of the taekwondo teachers came out and asked me if I wanted to come in and join one of the classes.

‘Thank you, but I can't,' I said. ‘You see, I have a very rare kidney disease and if any part of my body gets hit I will instantly die.'

The teacher went back inside.

I went back to my book.

‘We need to find the Stinkly Wrinklys' headquarters,' said Hils as she sat down next to me after finishing taekwondo-ing. ‘The Lurker is the best person for the job.'

The Lurker is a weedy, ratty sort of kid who is always hanging around. Everywhere you look, there he is. No one ever asks him to be there. He just is there.

All the time. Lurking. The problem is you hardly ever know he is hanging around. Suddenly he's just there. Right next to you. Lurking. He's not friends with anyone. No one really likes him. He just hangs around. Not saying anything. Not doing anything. Just Lurking.

‘But all he does is Lurk around,' I said. ‘Half the time you don't even know he's there. Until he wants biscuits.'

‘That's why he's so good at finding stuff out,' said Hils. ‘He just Lurks around – without anyone even realising he's there – until he finds out what he needs to know.'

‘No one can Lurk for that long without
someone
spotting them,' I said.

‘Did you know,' said Hils, ‘that The Lurker walked with us from school to taekwondo and has been standing next to you the whole time you've been out here reading your book?'

I looked around.

She was right.

There he was.

The Lurker.

Right next to me. Just Lurking.

The Lurker wasn't even the tiniest bit frightening but it always gave me a fright when I saw him. Lurking.

‘You only spotted me because I wanted you to, Duncan,' said The Lurker.

‘Hello, Leon,' said Hils.

The Lurker's real name is Leon Lloyd-Llewellyn.

‘Biscuit,' said The Lurker.

‘Of course,' said Hils.

Hils never said ‘of course' to anyone.

Hils reached into her bag and pulled out one of those big packets of biscuits. The ones with a whole lot of different biscuits in them. The Lurker grabbed the biscuits. He seemed to rip open the packet at the same time as he started eating them. He wasn't even really eating them. It was more like he was fighting the biscuits with his mouth. Fighting them to death.

He won.

Of course he won. He is a human. (I think.) They were just biscuits.

‘Leon,' said Hils. ‘I have a mission for you.'

The Lurker stood there – covered in crumbs with a bit of dead biscuit sticking out of his mouth – and smiled.

‘While The Lurker is trying to find the Stinkly Wrinklys' headquarters,' said Hils, ‘you need to start training for the upcoming war.'

I had never trained for anything.

I did not like the idea of training. For anything.

‘Hils,' I said. ‘I don't want to do any training.'

The next day I started training for the upcoming war.

‘Your training,' said Hils, ‘will take place in three separate and distinct stages. First, I will show you what sort of weapons the Stinkly Wrinklys are likely to use against you. Second, I will show you how to defend yourself against those weapons. Third, I will show you to how to use the weapons
we
will be employing against the Stinkly Wrinklys.'

I was already completely confused.

‘I understand exactly everything about what you just said,' I said.

‘You're already completely confused, aren't you?'

‘Yes.'

‘Outstanding,' said Hils.

‘What do you think the main weapon the Stinkly Wrinklys will use against us will be?' said Hils.

‘Rooster brand chilli sauce?' I said.

‘Negative.'

‘But they have already used that against us.'

‘So they probably won't use it again.'

‘Is rooster brand chilli sauce a chemical weapon?'

‘Negative.'

‘But it has chemicals in it, doesn't it?'

‘Affirmative, I suppose.'

‘Then it must be a chemical weapon. I think we should contact the United Nations. I believe a war crime has been committed.'

‘Okay. Apart from rooster brand chilli sauce, what do you think will be the main weapon the Stinkly Wrinklys will use against us?'

‘I don't know,' I said.

‘Pinching,' said Hils.

‘Pinching?' I said. ‘Like in “a pinch and punch for the first of the month”?'

‘Affirmative. Not many people know this, but as women get older every part of their bodies gets weaker apart from their fingers. Old ladies have the strongest fingers of anyone in the world. Their fingers are so strong they can pinch a brick in half. So when we go to war with them the first thing the Stinkly Wrinklys will try and do is pinch us.'

‘That doesn't sound so bad.'

Suddenly, without any warning whatsoever, Hils pinched my cheek. She didn't just give it a little pinch either. She pinched it really, very, super hard.

‘STOP!' I screamed.

Hils didn't stop. In fact she pinched me even harder.

I tried to scream ‘STOP!' again but she was pinching my cheek so hard I couldn't even scream.

The pain in my cheek was so intense that I thought I was going to be sick. Then I thought I was going to faint. Then I got really cold and started shivering. Then I got really hot and started sweating. Then, all of a sudden, I didn't feel any pain. I didn't feel sick. I didn't feel faint. I didn't feel cold. I didn't feel hot. I didn't feel bad at all. I felt good. In fact, I felt really, very, super good. Like I was drinking an endless mug of the best hot chocolate ever after I had only been allowed to eat cold, mushy Brussels sprouts for a year and every sip of the best hot chocolate ever tasted as good as the first sip.

Off in the distance I saw a light. It was coming from a shop. Suddenly I was at the shop, looking through the window. Inside the shop I saw a sleek, black one-man stealth helicopter. The shop door opened. A voice said, ‘Charlie, we need you to fly your one-man stealth helicopter on a top secret mission. Come in. Fly the mission.'

Just then Hils stopped pinching me and the one-man stealth helicopter went away and all the pain, sick, faintness, cold and heat all came back.

‘WHY DID YOU DO THAT IT REALLY HURT AND I WAS DRINKING CHOCOLATE AND I HAD MY OWN ONE-MAN STEALTH HELICOPTER AND A TOP SECRET MISSION WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS MY CHEEK REALLY HURTS!'

‘How do you think you would best defend against a pinching attack like that one?'

‘I THINK YOU HAVE KILLED MY CHEEK I'M PROBABLY GOING TO HAVE TO HAVE IT AMPUTATED I'M GOING TO ONLY HAVE ONE CHEEK FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE AND PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE POINTING AND STARING AT ME AND I'LL END UP WORKING IN A CIRCUS BECAUSE CHEEK TRANSPLANTS ARE TOO EXPENSIVE!'

‘Calm down,' said Hils.

‘NO.'

‘Calm down.'

‘MAYBE.'

‘Calm down.'

‘OK.'

‘STOP SHOUTING.'

‘All right,' I said.

‘How do you think you would defend yourself against pinching like that?'

‘That was amazing,' I said. ‘Where did you learn to pinch like that?'

‘A book. How do you think you would defend yourself against pinching like that?'

‘I don't know,' I said.

‘I will show you,' said Hils.

‘No, you won't,' I said.

‘You need to know this,' said Hils.

‘You can teach me later.'

‘Later could be too late.'

‘I will just have to take that risk,' I said.

‘I must warn you that failure to take your training seriously may prove to be fatal.'

‘You can teach me later.'

‘Your funeral,' said Hils.

That reminded me.

‘I forgot to tell you. Last week I wrote a plan for what I want to happen at my funeral,' I said.

‘Good idea,' said Hils.

‘I don't want to be buried. I want to be shot out of a cannon so my body blows up and goes all over the place and everyone all around the world hears about it.'

‘Outstanding.'

‘Will you shoot the cannon, Hils?'

‘Affirmative. Absolutely affirmative,' said Hils. ‘Okay. Try and pinch me.'