Charity's Secrets (32 page)

Everyone
in the room is miserable, and the box of tissues is already feeling light.

"Typical
of the times, they put me on some pills to relax me. Without being controlled,
I was dependent in just a few weeks and moving on to other means to self-medicate.
I just wanted to forget so desperately. I started disappearing more often on
you then, because I didn't want you or your father to see me like that and have
to deal with my mistakes any more than you already had. One day, I just
disappeared completely, not just from you and your father, but from life
entirely. I have no idea where I was or what drugs I was on. Months vanished on
me. When I came to, I was in the hospital." She picks her head up off
Garrett's shoulder and stares at him in fear. "And I was seven months
pregnant."

Justin
turns white as a sheet. Garrett is still doing the math and putting it together
as we cry for him.

"I
couldn't tell you, Baby. I didn't w-want you to think any less of yourself,
because you shouldn't. It doesn't m-matter at all. You are who you are,"
Nicolette pleads.

"Justin
is only my half-brother?"

Nicolette
and I both nod.

"And
there was no one else, just those fucking bastards—those pieces of shit?"
Garrett shouts as he punches his own legs in frustration.

I'm
beside myself for him. To spend your life wondering about your father;
fantasizing about who he might be, the kind of person he was, only to find out
he's one of the three disgusting fucks that raped your mother. I wish he never
had to feel this pain.

"It
changes n-nothing!" his mother shouts.

"Fuck!
Fuck! Fuck!" he yells, punching his knees each time. He sits there
trembling with anger for a few minutes, thinking. After a moment, his face
comes back up to Justin and I.

He
still wants in—even more now.

"Baby,
I'm so sorry, but I hope you can understand why I didn't tell you," she
says.

Garrett
nods. "I understand. But I don't understand why you kept me!" His
voice is completely riddled with contempt at himself.

"Don't
say that!" she shouts. "I don't regret you, not one bit!"

"That's
now, but it couldn't have been easy at first with me being a living, breathing
reminder every damn day. You shouldn't have done that to yourself. I'm sure you
thought about that?"

Nicolette's
head drops toward the floor. He's right—she did think about that. It eats her
up that she did think about it, hard.

"When
I came to in the hospital, after they had detoxed me and I could think
straight, I was way past the point where I could have ended the pregnancy. It
wasn't an option to think about," she whispered.

"You
should have gotten rid of me after. Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful that
you didn't, but you should have," Garrett adds softly.

"It
was my fault, my weight to bare for you."

"I'm
not going to say it again, Nicolette," I growl. "None of this was
your fault, not a God damn bit! You do not take on guilt you don't deserve. We
do that to ourselves way too much and we need to stop that cycle."

Justin
wraps his arm around me and pulls me close. Now he understands. He sees the
side I am on, why I put him through all of this and this is him telling me he
loves me for it. "She's right," he tells his mother. "You've
taken the blame too damn long."

Nicolette
breaks down completely again. Justin's reaction is more than she had ever hoped
for, and that was nothing compared to what came next.

Justin
stands and walks to the couch. "You can thank Charity for this. It's
because of my faith in her that I trust you." With that, he sits beside
her, one son on either side.

She
howls, there's no other way to say it. She howls in both joy and agony. She
howls for the lost years. She howls for her sons and the truth. And in her
wailing voice, her pain, the pain of a lifetime, is finally released.

My
heart is on the floor between my feet.

There's
not enough tissues in the fucking world for this!

It
takes a while for everyone to get control of themselves, a while and a fresh box
of tissues. There's still a little more.

"I
stayed clean after that. Garrett needed a mother," Nicolette continues.
"I never told your father about Garrett. I know now that I should have. He
was such a great man, he would have opened his house and his heart for him. He
would have done anything for me, but I didn't know that until it was too
late."

"But
you did come back," Justin says. "You came back to us for a while, I
remember it."

"Yes,"
Nicolette says softly, "I did. I missed your father and you so much, and I
felt like I was somehow choosing Garrett over you. There was another child of
mine that needed me, and I wasn't there, so I left Garrett with my mother and
went home. But then when I was there, I felt I was abandoning Garrett. A very
long time passed, but I didn't see any way to survive, and while your father
was so happy that I was home, I still felt so unworthy. Without any real
therapy or counseling for what I went through, I hadn't truly healed. Being
home was hard, filling me with guilt and doubt. I couldn't be
romantic
with my husband anymore. Any time we tried I would have an anxiety attack with
my mind going back to that night in the park. It made me feel worse. I was
failing him, this wonderful man. He deserved better, but with me there, he was
never going to have the life he deserved. I constantly felt damaged and dirty,
and that was the start of another unhealthy compulsion—I was cleaning
everything over and over obsessively."

"I
remember that," Justin says. "It's one of the last memories I have of
you. We came home and found you in the bathroom crying. You had scrubbed the
surface off the tub and you were still at it even though your hands were
bleeding.

Nicolette
bounces her head up and down to agree. "Your father had to have me committed,
and when I left there I went back to my mother's, back to the son that needed
me, the son your father didn't even know I had." She touches his hand ever
so lightly. "No one told me what happened with your father, not for years.
I believed you were with him and safe. My mother had intercepted the message
and kept it from me, knowing that I was unstable enough to take my own life as
well if I knew."

Now
Justin knows everything, and it's nothing like what he'd ever imagined, it's
nothing either he or his brother ever suspected, and they are completely
defused and exhausted. Justin had placed blame on her for years, but she was
the biggest victim, more than his father, more than himself.

I get
up and go to her, bending over to wrap my arms around her tired body. "I'm
so proud of you," I whisper, rubbing her back softly.

Nicolette
hugs me back warmly. "Thank you for getting me here. No matter what
happens next, thank you."

After I
stand up, Garrett pulls his mother to his shoulder again. "I'm sorry that
happened to you. I'm sorry that I didn't know and if I made things worse for
you—"

"You
didn't, Baby. I'm so sorry I almost left you, just as deeply that I did leave
your brother. I'm so ashamed of myself," she says.

"You
were in an impossible situation, Mom," Garrett replies.

Justin
is nodding his head and no longer trying to hide his tears. "There was
nothing more anyone could have expected from you," he agrees. "It was
a terrible, terrible thing that you've endured by yourself all this time and I
admire the strength you must have inside you."

We all
listen to him, watching him struggle with what he knows and what he knew. I
kneel in front of him and kiss him on the top of his head as he leans forward
against me.

"I'm
sorry I hurt you for this," I say as my fingers play with his hair.

Justin
breaths heavily. "No, I see it all now—just like you said—I was wrong. But
I have no idea how to get past everything I've felt for so long. What do I do
with that? What makes that go away?"

"Time,"
Garrett suddenly answers. "Everyone one of us is a victim of this and
we've only known it for half an hour. We can't expect feelings to change like
the flick of a switch."

Justin
thinks on that for a moment and then turns to his mother. "I can give you
that, if you can do the same?"

His
mother weeps through a smile. "It's much more than I thought I'd ever
have."

For the
first time since he was a child, Justin put his arms around his mother.

A short
time later Garrett follows us out to the car. "I wanna talk to you,"
he says. "Both of you."

Justin
looks around, deciding what to do. The driver has gotten out to get the door
for us, and now he's just staring and waiting. Justin simply looks at him and
his nerves cracks. "We're going to have a meeting," he orders. "We'll
let you know when you can get in."

He nods
fearfully and backs away to the sidewalk as the three of us climb in and shut
the doors. It's quiet inside and thick with tension. Garrett is not fazed by
it, not by the tension or by Justin's JP tone.

He's
so much his brother.

"Listen,"
Garrett starts, "I won't yank your dick and you don't need to yank mine.
Yesterday, before you knew who I was, you were ready to kill me. I know serious
when I see it. You would have pulled the trigger—it would not have been your
first time."

Justin
has no reaction, none.

"If
you would kill me for looking at your girlfriend, you will certainly kill the
fucks that raped our mother. I'm begging you not to do that without me
Justin," Garrett says.

Before
anything is said, Justin fixes his gaze on me, for my reaction and my advice.
There is no one he trusts for that other than himself and now there's me.

I stare
back at Justin, but I speak to Garrett. "It doesn't bother you that one of
them is your father?"

"None
of them is my father, not a fucking one," he answers angrily. "My
mother was both of my parents. She is all I need and these pigs hurt her and
when they did that, they hurt all of us."

"There
is our answer," I tell Justin. "He means it and I trust him."

Justin
smiles at me with his eyes.

"Do
you need to get anything to bring with you?" Justin asks him.

"Everything
I need is in my bag in the trunk," Garrett answers with a smirk.

BY NIGHTFALL, WE'RE BACK
in the city. Justin has an apartment
Garrett can use, he just has to help Justin move a table away from a wall for
some reason. I don't think he's going to need it until tomorrow, though. Right
now we're huddled together in our apartment looking for the men that raped
their mother.

Lena is
on her way to help; she has a natural flair for old data searches, and we need
that right now. All we have is a victim's name and Justin is too distracted to
think straight. I’m sure his mother remembers the names of the men, but we’re
not asking her. We don’t want to make her think about it more than she has and
we don’t want her to question why we’re asking. We would still need to find
them in the system anyway, and that’s Lena’s thing.

Okay,
the truth is she wants to meet Justin's brother. It's been driving her crazy
since I told her.

"I
need a drink. This day has been too much and I'm fried. Warrior, you want
something," Justin offers.

"Whatever
you're having babe."

He hops
to his feet. "Garrett, what can I get you? Wine, beer, something
stronger?"

"Wine
would be good," he answers with a genuine smile. "Anything red if you
have it."

Justin
laughs. "I've got it, what’s your preference?"

"Shiraz?"

"Well,
shit!" I shout. "There's no denying he's your brother now."

Justin
laughs again. "No, I guess not."

We have
a few moments alone as Justin disappears into the kitchen. Garrett softly says
to me, "This is so surreal. Yesterday I was an only child with a ton of
questions; today I hate all the answers that I have and there's an older
brother I have to get to know."

"I
can't even imagine what this is like for you two," I tell him honestly.
"Are you really sure you can handle what you're about to get involved in?
Because there is a fucking huge difference between
wanting
something and
doing
it."

"This
is the one thing I am sure of right now," he tells me.

I
believe him, I do, but we have to be careful. "You said you could tell how
serious Justin was yesterday. I want to tell you that was nothing—you haven't
seen shit yet, Justin and his staff are the real thing."

That
doesn't bother him at all to hear.

"Let
me ask you a question," Garrett says. "You don't seem as
intense
,
how did you get mixed up in this?"

Justin
is just coming back in the room and hears the question. His face tells me not
to answer just yet.