Channel Blue (36 page)

‘What an amazing episode, huh, people?’ he said in an amplified voice, though Perry saw no microphone. The crowd roared. The jubilant host sidled up to Perry, resting a hand on his shoulder. Perry realised that his arms were still wrapped around Amanda and self-consciously pulled them away.

‘Wow,’ Marty said. ‘We have seen some amazing things on Channel Blue, but you outdid yourself today, Perry Bunt!’ He put a fist to his mouth as if to contain his amusement. ‘When you told that lieutenant who wanted to kill you that “the Buddy doesn’t even have a pair of pants right now”, I totally lost it.’

The audience guffawed enthusiastically. Perry stared at Marty, confused. ‘Oh yes, we saw all that,’ Marty said. ‘We always put cameras in the secret prisons. Some of our best programming comes from those facilities, and your antics were no exception. Now let’s talk to your co-star—’

Marty swivelled towards Amanda. ‘Amanda, where do I begin? Can this lady handle herself or what?’ The audience screamed affirmatively. Amanda appeared completely unaffected. Marty laid a hand on her shoulder. ‘The smartest thing I did was fire you.’

‘You didn’t fire me,’ Amanda said. ‘I quit.’

Marty pretended to cower in anticipation of a punch. ‘Whatever you say, Amanda!’ The audience laughed. Marty winked at her and continued. ‘Welcome everyone to
Earth Mirth with Marty Firth and Vermy Presents a Salute to
Bunt to the Rescue
!’ An unseen orchestra played a musical fanfare and the audience howled its approval. ‘This audience has come from all over the galaxy to be part of our exclusive live Channel Blue tribute to all that you two have accomplished. And we can start with... having the
number eight
show in the entire galaxy!’

The audience cheered lustily for what seemed like minutes. Amanda leaned over to Perry. ‘This is incredible,’ she said. Perry assumed she was commenting on the insanity of the show they’d found themselves a part of, but then she continued: ‘We cracked the top ten. Channel Blue’s never done that before!’

While Perry tried to take this in, Marty carried on. ‘We’ve got lots of surprises and tributes from some
amazing
special guest stars, but first let’s welcome the King himself, Mr Elvis Presley!’

The audience clapped and, to the strains of ‘Blue Suede Shoes’, Elvis Presley, wearing dark glasses and a powder-blue jumpsuit, sauntered onto the stage holding a gold trophy. ‘Hello, Mr Perry Bunt. Now, I know that I’m nothing more than a “hillbilly with the hiccups”—’ The audience hooted with laughter. Perry stared at them like a stunned animal, then realised he must appear odd and tried desperately to force a smile, but this came out looking more like a nervous sneer.

‘But,’ Elvis continued, ‘I’m here to present you with this award from the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences. The Orby for this season’s Most Promising Newcomer is... Mr Perry Bunt!’ The audience members applauded and rose to their feet. Elvis slipped the statue between Perry’s hands and clapped him on the back. Perry, not sure how to react, examined the statue. A naked gold woman on a pedestal held a swirling red-and-purple planet with one hand and waved at him with the other. Baffled, Perry glanced over to Amanda, who clapped with the audience.

‘You know what this means, Mr Bunt?’ Marty said. Perry numbly shook his head. ‘It means we can’t let you die – you’re too big a star!’ Audience members shrieked with fits of laughter.

Once the hysterics had subsided, Elvis returned to a more conversational tone. ‘When this guy first walked into my office... Well, if you had told me that he’d be taking home an Orby in a couple of weeks, I would’ve sent you to a therabot. If you’d told me that he would change the way we think about POFs, I would’ve signed you up for a brain transplant. I mean, on a planet full of inconsequential individuals, this guy seemed like the biggest loser of them all. Talk about insipid! I’ve eaten
sandwiches
with more character.’ Perry’s frozen smile tensed into a grimace while Elvis shook his head in wonderment. ‘But that’s the thing I love about this business – you never can tell.’

‘That’s right, Elvis,’ Marty said. ‘We’ll talk more with Perry and Amanda in just a moment, and meet some of the fans here in the audience. But right now we have a very special guest here to sing the theme song of ‘Bunt to the Rescue’. Please welcome... Baby Jade!’ Perry watched as a four-year-old girl in a sparkly blue dress strode confidently onto the stage. If the audience members had cheered loudly for Perry and Amanda, they now seemed on the verge of convulsing, so crazed were their shouts and screams of acclamation. Perry noticed that even Amanda was frantically clapping.

Cacophonous music played and the four-year-old girl danced sprightily around the stage. Amanda watched the prancing child with awe.

‘What’s going on?’ Perry asked her.

‘That’s Baby Jade,’ Amanda said. ‘She’s been the biggest pop star in the galaxy for
years
.’

‘She’s just a little kid.’

‘They recorded her foetal heartbeat for a dance track and she’s been an unstoppable force ever since.’

Perry shook his head in amazement. ‘What does all this mean?’

‘It’s all good news, Perry. The huge production values, Baby Jade, the audience shipped in from Eden – Channel Blue is making a huge investment in the show.’

‘I don’t care about the show,’ Perry said, growing impatient. ‘Does this mean they’re calling off the finale?’

‘You heard Marty – the show’s become too big. If they can’t let you die, they can’t blow up your home, right?’

The news sank into Perry’s brain, but he still couldn’t believe it. Like a beaten dog, he saw menace in the upraised hand, even if it held an award.

‘Really?’

‘Look at the statue in your hands. They’re not going to finale the Newcomer of the Year.’

‘But—’

Amanda brought a finger to her lips. Baby Jade had begun to sing in a smoky soprano.

He had nothing goin’ on

Till a lady let him know

That it was time to take a stand

It was time to make a show.

Beaten and battered by his fellow men

But he keeps tryin’ again and again

To show that Earthles really care

Even though he doesn’t have a prayer—

The music swelled to a loud thumping chorus. The audience members joined in, singing along at the tops of their lungs.

Saving Earth!

Saving Earth!

When it comes to laughter there’s no dearth

Since Perry Bunt decided that it’s worth

Saving Earth!

Saving Earth!

Just watch that crazy Earthle try saving Earth!

Baby Jade hopped frantically around the stage while repeating the chorus in mind-numbing fashion. Perry didn’t know whether he should feel disturbed by the lyrics or comforted that for all the Edenites’ supposed advantages over the people of Earth, songwriting wasn’t one of them.

Finally, the music slowed and built to a bombastic crescendo. Baby Jade tilted her small head back and wailed.

Saving Earth!

Saving Earth!

Even though it’s not even worth

A lousy shovel full of Eden’s dirt

He just can’t stop saving Eaaarrrrrrrttthhhhh!

Baby Jade held the final note and the audience members jumped to their feet like puppets on the same string, applauding and bellowing their approval. While the four-year-old took numerous bows, Amanda leaned over to Perry.

‘Great, huh?’

Perry gaped at her. ‘Are you kidding? That was totally insulting.’

‘What part?’

‘
The whole song!
’

‘You’re just not used to our music,’ Amanda said. Perry was about to argue this point when Marty’s booming voice intruded.

‘How about Baby Jade?’ he shouted to more ecstatic whooping. When the crowd had returned to their seats, Marty carried on. ‘Now it’s time for a really incredible surprise – please welcome Amanda Mundo’s boyfriend, Jared Corley!’

To a huge ovation, Jared Corley strolled onto the stage, all six-and-a-half feet of him, his blond rock-star hair perfectly framing his chiselled features. He gave Amanda a big hug. ‘Hey, hotshot,’ he said.

Perry couldn’t help notice that Amanda seemed happy to see him.

Jared firmly shook Perry’s hand. ‘Hi, Perry. Big fan of the show.’ The applause wound down and Jared turned to the audience. ‘I just wanted to come by and tell these guys how great the show is. And you know what? I still love this woman, even though I fell for a producer – not a
reproducer
.’

The audience guffawed. Amanda smiled, while Perry grimaced. It seemed that joke-writing was another relatively useless field Earthles had the edge in.

‘Amanda, as hard as it is to lose you to an Earthle, and as weirded out as I am by the thought of his random genes co-mingling with your perfect DNA, I sincerely wish you both all the success in the galaxy.’

The audience seemed to perceive this as a noble sentiment and greeted it with respectful applause. Perry stared at Jared, unable to believe what he was hearing. To make matters worse, when he glanced over at Amanda, she was glowing.

‘Seriously, hotshot, I want to support you in any way that I can. Just as long as I don’t have to watch you two have sexual intercourse.’ The audience emitted a mixture of titters and disgusted groans. ‘Or anyone else. Yuck.’

After more laughter and applause, Jared hugged Amanda again, shook Perry’s limp hand, and walked off.

Before Perry could regain his equilibrium, Marty introduced an impossibly attractive celebrity who meant nothing to him but seemingly everything to Amanda, then another and another. The stars sang or danced or played a musical instrument or simply talked about their favourite moments from
Bunt to the Rescue
, usually with a quip that Perry couldn’t help but find insulting. ‘Can you believe Perry Bunt? Talk about gung-ho! I have seen winged chimps on
Altair 7
that exercised more caution than this guy,’ said one famous Edenite, who was introduced as The Galaxy’s Funnyman.

When Marty Firth finally announced the end of the show, Perry couldn’t wait to get off the stage. He turned to Amanda, but she was talking animatedly with Jared, so he proceeded to search for an exit on his own. As soon as he had found one and was walking towards it, however, Marty was in his face, telling him that he was needed immediately at a meeting with Channel Blue executives to discuss the future of the series. As if to emphasise the importance of this event, Vermy, dangling from Marty’s ear, blinked rapidly.

‘There’s a crucial press conference tonight – we’re flying in all the important entertainment journalists. It won’t be like the adoring crowd here who loved everything you had to say.’

‘I didn’t say anything,’ Perry said.

‘Tonight will be different,’ Marty went on, ignoring him. ‘Tonight you’ll be facing the sharpest minds Eden has to offer.’

Perry frowned. ‘Entertainment reporters?’

‘You have to understand that without any war or crime, entertainment is
the
most prestigious beat in our news media. We must prepare you, and not just for the predictable questions—’ Marty rambled on, but Perry wasn’t listening. On the other side of the stage, Amanda continued her conversation with Jared. He watched as they laughed and hugged. It was what Perry now recognised as an Edenite hug – arms clasped, bodies barely touching, and heads turned away from each other – but it was a hug nonetheless.

After Jared had left, Marty led Perry and Amanda out into another long blue hallway. They walked together for several moments before Perry broke the silence.

‘Did you have a nice talk with Jared?’ he asked, fighting to conceal his annoyance.

‘Yes,’ she said. ‘He was very supportive.’

Perry stewed on this as they continued walking.

‘He wanted to stay but he needed to get back to the home planet. He’s got a few planetainments kicking off new seasons.’

Perry smiled wanly. ‘Oh wow, that’s too bad. It would’ve been really fun to get to know him.’

Amanda glanced over. ‘There’s no need for sarcasm.’

‘Oh yeah, I forgot. We’re on the moon.’

‘I meant that Jared is in no way a threat to you.’

‘Why would I be threatened by him? Just because he’s freakishly tall, looks like a rock star and is weirded out by my lousy genes.’

‘His response was completely understandable. You would understand if you knew more about our culture.’

‘Well, I definitely don’t want to. That entire show made me sick to my stomach.’

Amanda’s eyes widened in surprise. ‘It was tribute to
us
. What didn’t you like?’

‘I don’t know. How about...
everything
? I’ve never seen so many condescending blowhards. If that was a tribute, I’d prefer torture.’

Amanda stopped. ‘I know that cynicism is basically a religion among Earthles, and given your planet I understand why. But can’t you give it a rest? Must you
always
see the very worst in people?’

‘They compared me to a winged chimp!’

‘The winged chimps on
Altair 7
are fabulous creatures. In fact, they always beat us in the ratings. You should be honoured.’

‘Elvis said I had less character than a sandwich.’

‘When he first met you, that’s what he thought. You proved him wrong. You heard him. You changed the way people think about POFs.’

‘That song made me sound like a complete loser.’

Amanda sighed. ‘Perry, all those people
love
you. That’s why they were saying all these things.
That’s why we’re still alive
.’

‘Then I’m not sure we got the best end of that deal.’

Amanda rolled her eyes, further irritating Perry. ‘Really? You’d rather be dead?’

‘I’d rather be as far away from their love as possible,’ Perry responded.

Amanda stared at Perry as if she didn’t know him. Though she knew it was irrational, Amanda couldn’t help interpreting Perry’s disdain for the tribute and Edenites in general as a judgement of her, and who was he, Perry Bunt, to judge
anyone
? Hadn’t she given up her career to save his life? He was a
product of fornication
, for Adam’s sake. She was a Grade 4 genotype, representing the highest level of genetic craftsmanship in the known universe. She could choose to be with anyone, yet she had given up
everything
, including her dignity, to help save Perry and his planet!