Change of Heart 05 - Forging the Future (5 page)

“Something wrong?” Dov queried.

“No,” I assured him. “It’s just sort of scary not to know yourself or where your home is.”

“Well, whatever happened, we’ll find out.”

I nodded.

“It’s a good thing you shifted back,” Wick chimed in. “Panthers who remain in their animal state too long tend to forget that they were ever human.”

“I didn’t know,” I said, even though maybe I had at one time.

“I wonder what prompted you to shift back to human?”

It had been the dream…

“Do you have any idea what it could have been?”

…and it was private.

“Jim?”

I couldn’t answer; it would give away too much.

“You can trust us.”

But I couldn’t, not with something I didn’t understand myself.

In the dream, there was a blond man, more beautiful than any I’d ever seen and probably one that didn’t exist anywhere outside of my subconscious. And even though, because he was running, I never saw his face, I heard him laughing, deep and rumbling, so I got the feeling that he wasn’t running away from me, but instead
with
me. We were going somewhere together, and I kept reaching for his back, trying to touch him, to get him to stop and turn around. I wanted to feel the powerful muscles moving under his sleek, golden skin, but I just couldn’t reach him. What was odd, though, was that I felt like if I’d just been able to reach him, he would have stopped and turned and taken me into his arms. It was a game, except he didn’t know I wasn’t playing. He was used to me being right there with him, and if I’d been able to touch him, he would have known that.

The husky sound of his laugh made my heart pound and my throat dry and my dick harden between my legs. Every night I woke up throbbing with need and hunger, and I wanted him desperately. My dream man made me yearn for him, and it was ridiculous; he didn’t exist, but still, I woke almost feverish with heat every morning. The strangest part of the dream, though—I was in human form, not my animal one, and so because of that, because I wanted to be running with the handsome stranger, I’d apparently shifted back to human to try to figure out who he was.

Maybe he was searching for me, whoever he was, and I didn’t want to miss him because I was a panther and not me. What if he didn’t recognize me in cat form? I couldn’t take that chance.

“Jim?”

I coughed to cover my unease. “Sorry, but really, I have no idea why I shifted back. Normally it’s a conscious decision, isn’t it, and I don’t remember making one.”

They were both quiet, studying me.

“So are you sure I can’t get you guys some coffee? I need some.”

“No,” Wick said hoarsely, saddened somehow, I could hear it in his voice. “I’m really sorry that this happened to you, that your memory is gone, but we will do everything in our power to get you home.”

“I appreciate that.”

“We thought,” he began, then coughed, and I realized he was choked up.

They’d thought… what?

Dov came forward, put a hand on his partner’s shoulder, squeezed gently, and then glanced at me. “I can’t imagine how terrifying this whole thing must have been for you, and you’ve handled it and thrived. That shows a great strength of character.”

“The kindness of strangers and all that,” I said quickly. “And look around you, this isn’t thriving, believe me.”

“It’s better than most could have done.”

I wasn’t sure about that, but I could graciously accept a compliment. “Thank you. But really, what did you think?”

Both men suddenly seemed wary.

“That I was lying?”

No answer.

“Why on earth would anyone lie about losing their memory?”

Dov’s brows furrowed like he was deciding what to say, but Wick tipped his head sideways, regarding me.

“To hide something, of course.”

I was surprised. “That makes no sense. What can be hidden with only one person losing their memory?”

“A secret only they knew,” Dov explained. “It would actually be altogether brilliant.”

I nodded.

“But you’re not pretending,” Wick said, telling me what I already knew. “Because you don’t even smell the way you’re supposed to, as we were told you would, and that can’t be faked.”

“How do you know? Maybe I’m gifted.”

Dov nodded. “You’re a reah, but no cat, no matter how powerful—even a neck-henny cat—can mask their scent on purpose. You might be able to control your power, but not change your very nature.”

I’d missed something. “What kind of cat?”

He spelled it for me. “It explains how you’re a reah but also male,” he continued. “You’re a nekhene cat first and a reah second.”

It became necessary to sit, and I did, quickly, so I wouldn’t fall down.

“Is any of this information familiar?” Dov asked.

I shook my head.

“Well, that’s okay.”

But was it? “You’re saying I’m not just a reah, but a—what again?”

“Nekhene.”

I tried to parse the word from the Egyptian phrases somehow floating in my head. “Nekhene is ‘hawk,’ isn’t it?”

“The use is a more ancient origin,” Dov informed me. “But basically, you can shift into creatures twice your size, sometimes three times.”

I shook my head. “That’s not possible. Shifting is basic physics. If you’re a 140-pound man, you’ll shift into a 140-pound panther. We don’t add mass; this isn’t magic.”

“It isn’t if you’re anything but a nekhene cat,” he offered. “When we’re talking about you… Jin… we’re talking about something unique and different.”

My head snapped up, and both men were gazing at me kindly, tenderly.

“It’s Jim,” I corrected, fast.

“No,” Dov apprised, shaking his head. “It’s not.”

I took a shaky breath.

“You’re Jinnai—Jin, Rain, reah of the tribe of Mafdet.”

“Rain?”

“It’s spelled R-A-Y-N-E.”

I squinted up at them. “The ‘Jin’ is right. I mean… I knew it was something like that, but the Rayne? I don’t—that’s not.”

“It is.”

But it couldn’t be. It didn’t resonate inside like Jin did.

“Would you like to know the name of your semel?”

I did want a name, but even more, I wanted to see him. I had an almost desperate need to know what the man looked like. “Yes,” I ground out.

“It’s Logan Church.”

I couldn’t breathe.

“Jin?” Dov rushed forward, hand on my back as I bent over and put my head between my knees. “Are you all right?”

I would be, yes, the second I could push oxygen again. Straightening up in my seat, I faced him. “So my semel, he’s alive?”

“Yes.”

“And when can I—”

“We’re going to let our semel know that he should reach out to yours.”

“I can—” I gasped. “—call my semel. I could do it right now if you give me his—”

“There are protocols,” Dov reminded me.

Apparently there were rules for everything. “Yes,” I replied hoarsely, flushing hot and cold, jaw clenching, trembling, tears filling my eyes at the surge of feeling, of overwhelming, devouring want. “And tell him to hurry.”

“Our semel?”

“No,” I whimpered. “Mine.”

“I don’t think that will be a problem.”

Chapter 4

I
WALKED
around in a daze that Wednesday evening. There was still work, and I did that—I was personable and on task, I didn’t let any customers realize I was completely checked out of my own head—but I could not concentrate on anything to save my life.

Luther showed up and sat at the bar with a couple of his khatyu. I made sure to say hello, and he reminded me that I’d agreed to dinner. I could barely answer him because I kept watch on the door as people came in.

Logically I knew the flight time from Reno, Nevada—where I lived, apparently—to New Orleans would take an entire day. It was all the way on the other side of the country. I’d checked it on the phone I was given, and the estimates were anywhere from eight hours to eleven, and that was if my semel had gotten on the plane the second Domin Thorne, the akhen-aten, had called him. There was no way he could have. He probably hadn’t even been contacted yet. The truth of the matter was, however, that I was 100 percent thinking about my semel and what he would be like and not at all about anything else. I could not be counted on to even remember what drinks people wanted.

When I took my break, I went back behind the restaurant, bummed a cigarette off one of the busboys, and leaned against the exposed brick wall in the alley and used my new phone.

I searched for Logan Church on the Internet, but there was nothing except a link to a glass factory, of all the weird things. On the website for Preserve Glassworks, there was an office number, and since it was only seven where I was—which meant it was five in Nevada—I tried to get someone. It rang and rang and finally went to voice mail. The woman’s voice was clear and resonant, and because I wasn’t sure what to say that wouldn’t sound stupid, I called back three times before I finally just left my name and phone number.

Grinding out the cigarette, concentrating on not simply leaving to go buy a pack—I was trying really hard not to take up smoking, but I liked the taste, and the act of inhaling and exhaling calmed me—I was almost to the back door when the phone rang.

“Hello?” I answered quickly.

Throat clearing. “Hello?”

“Who’s this?”

“Jin?” The woman’s voice on the other end broke.

“Yes.”

Quick inhale. “This is Delphine.”

I had no idea if I was supposed to know her or not. “Hi,” I whispered. “Delphine, I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m trying to get in touch with Logan Church.”

“Yes,” she said softly. “We heard that you… that you don’t have your memory.”

“Yeah, I… don’t.” I agreed because I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say. “So Wick and Dov’s semel—”

“Domin.”

“Domin,” I parroted. “He called Logan already?”

“Yes, he did.”

I coughed. “And so where is your semel now?”

“He’s my brother,” she clarified. “And he’s on his way to you.”

“Oh.” I was startled, and God, so pleased, and really, terribly scared all at the same time. “Well, that’s good.”

“It is good,” she rasped. “Because we’ve all… missed you.”

“You have?”

“Oh God, yes.” Her voice cracked. “So much.”

I had to know, so I cleared my throat softly. “Are we close, Delphine?”

“We are,” she whispered. “And I miss you terribly.”

My eyes filled fast. “I miss you too. I mean—my family, I think. I hope.”

“Oh, you do,” she insisted. “You love your family, Jin Church. You very much do.”

I took a breath because that had sounded really good. “I go by Jin Church?”

“Yes. For a long time.”

I raked my fingers through my hair hard. “Delphine, would you tell me something honestly?”

“Of course I will.”

She sounded so wonderful. I wish I had a picture to go with the voice. “Does your brother… does he… does….”

There was nothing from her, no rush, no pushing me to say whatever it was. She simply breathed, roughly, like she was scared.

“Does he want me there? Did he banish me?”

“Oh Jin,” she replied, sniffling. “He wants you here desperately, and he would never banish you—he worships you.”

He did? “He does?”

“Oh yes. He loves you more than anything.”

It was embarrassing, but I had to know what she thought. “And… do you know—I mean, could you tell, before I… did I love him?”

“You more than love him,” she cried. “Honey, Logan and Ilia are your whole life.”

“Ilia?”

Silence.

“Please tell me.”

Deep breath before, “Ilia’s your son.”

My son.

I stumbled to the wall, turned in time, and slid down it, sinking to the pavement. “I have a son? I not only forgot my mate, but
my child
as well?” Instantly my vision blurred with hot thick tears, and I started to shake.

“No-no-no, you didn’t forget anyone!” She started to cry. “You’ll know them, I swear! It’s just your mind trying to do damage control. What you thought you did and what you really did—oh Jin, you have no idea!”

I started to hyperventilate.

“Oh God—oh God… they told me not to say… if you called, I was just supposed to… ohmygod, please don’t run! I’ll die if you run. Don’t leave there, please!” Her voice was high-pitched, frantic, and just shattered. She sounded terrified and angry at the same time.

“Delphine, I—”

“Don’t you dare leave there!” she shouted, and then her voice faltered, lowered, calmed. “I mean—you can’t, okay? Just don’t.”

I’d broken the girl I didn’t even know anymore.

“It was a horrible night, Jin—just… all the blood and… and everything got crazy, and… you thought you… oh Jin, but you
didn’t
, you couldn’t, but it was only when we all regained consciousness that we figured out what happened.”

But
I
didn’t know, and I had to! I had a mate and a child, and I wanted
my life
back.

“Please tell me what you know,” I begged. “Please.”

“I shouldn’t,” she told me. “Because I wasn’t close, I didn’t see it all. Crane knows, he was right there with you when you had to… when you… when….”