Center Ice (11 page)

Chapter Sixteen

- Karen -

I rolled out of bed at my usual time the next day and had my running clothes on before my brain woke up enough to remember the events of the night before. The party, the girls in the bathroom, the conversation with Natalie. And on top of it all, Tyler’s sweet smile, the warmth of his fingers wrapped around mine, the way he’d waded out into the lake to be sure I was okay. Damn it. I had no idea what I wanted. Or more accurately, I knew exactly what I wanted, but I wasn’t sure I could have it.

But I couldn’t let myself be a coward, and I didn’t plan to lose the only friend I’d made since moving to town, so I headed upstairs and pulled on my running shoes. The scrapes on my arms had stiffened up overnight, and I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to run all that well, but I wanted to give it a try.

I jogged carefully on my way down to the park. Tyler was already there, sitting on the ground and stretching. He saw me coming and showed me his sweet smile.

I got a few steps closer before I said, “Why didn’t you tell me you’d slept with Miranda?”

It wasn’t a great way to start a conversation, I guess. Tyler’s smile froze, and then his expression turned serious. “It didn’t seem like I should,” he said cautiously. “I mean, there’re lots of guys who talk about girls, but I try not to. ‘Don’t kiss and tell,’ and all that.”

“I don’t understand your rules. It’s okay to sleep with whoever you want, but not to mention their names?”

“Gossip,” he said succinctly. When I stared at him blankly, he said, “I can’t control what other people say, but I can make sure I’m not one of the ones saying it.”

I nodded slowly. “Okay. Yeah. Still, a heads up would have been nice.”

“I wasn’t…” He shook his head impatiently, but it felt like he was frustrated with himself, not with me. “I wasn’t sure what to do about that. Was it bad? Finding out about it?”

“Not terrible.”

“She’s still mad about it?” He didn’t look guilty, exactly, but something close to it. “I thought she understood. I mean, she
said
she understood. But I guess maybe—”

“It doesn’t matter,” I said quickly. I didn’t want to hear about his heartbreaking ways.

“You’re here, at least.” He peered at the bandages on my arms. “You going to be able to run with those?”

“No idea. Only one way to find out.” And I started off. Tyler fell in beside me, our pace easy, and I felt my shoulders relax for the first time in too long. My arms barely hurt, and everything else felt great.

When we entered the forest, the path narrowed and we fell into single file, with me in front. I had this weird energy, making me feel like a little kid, and when we reached a fallen tree trunk I skipped up and ran along the top of it, just because I could. I glanced behind me to see Tyler following my lead, and the game was on. I leap-frogged over a boulder, ran up a hill backwards, jumped up and kicked off a wide tree trunk, and laughed as Tyler did the same. When we came out to the grassy area, I fell back and let Tyler take the lead, and the next time through the forest, he did all of my stunts and led me through a couple more.

This wasn’t my usual
breathe in, thud thud, breathe out, thud thud
running. I wasn’t trying to turn off my brain anymore. Instead, I felt alive, using my body for the sheer joy of it, like a little kid. I saw the grin on Tyler’s face and knew he felt the same way.

Exhausted after fewer laps than usual, we threw ourselves on the grass and lay there panting like happy dogs after a long play. He rolled onto his side and grinned at me, and I smiled back at him. For a second, I thought he was going to keep rolling, bringing our sweaty bodies together, his lips finding mine…but he didn’t. Instead, he said, “What are you running for? Like, are you in training for a sport?”

“No. Once I found out I wasn’t going to make the Corrigan Falls Rangers, nothing else seemed worth even trying for, you know?”

“Raiders,” he corrected firmly. “But, seriously, nothing but this? Just running to run?”

“Yeah. I’m not really the team-sport kind of girl.”

“There are individual sports you could do.”

“Like running?”

“But you don’t compete, or anything?”

“I used to be a bit more focused. You know, trying to run farther, or beat my time or whatever. But now I just run.”

He nodded and let his head fall back on the grass. “I like that you’re athletic,” he said, his eyes on the sky. “You’re not watching someone else’s sport, you’re doing your own thing.”

“I like that you’re athletic, too. I mean, I’m not too crazy about the whole hockey vibe, but I guess I have to thank the team for those muscles.” I was blushing even before the last syllable was out of my mouth. He rolled back onto his side to look at me, and it was my turn to stare at the clouds.

I could hear the mischievous grin in his voice when he said, “What,
these
old things?
These
muscles? You like them?” From the corner of my eye I saw him stretching his arms in an exaggeratedly casual way, flexing as if noticing them for the first time. Then he poked me gently in the ribs. “You are so
shallow
.”

It had been so easy, running with him. But this, now? Flirting with him was
not
easy. I felt like I was torn in two; one part of me was excited, looking forward to what came next, but the other part was having trouble forgetting what had already happened. It probably wasn’t fair, but Tyler’s past was on my mind, and the knowledge made it hard for me to really enjoy the present.

He must have picked up on my hesitation, because he lay back on the grass quietly, and we both looked up at the sky for a while. Finally, he said, “There’s a game Sunday afternoon. First one of the season. It’s just an exhibition, no big deal, but there should be a good crowd. If you wanted… Dawn, Cooper’s girlfriend? You met her last night?”

“The one with short red hair?”

“Yeah, right now. That changes pretty often. But Cooper’s alternate captain of the team, and Dawn kind of looks after the social side of things for him. If you wanted, I could get you a ticket, and you could sit with her. We could do something afterward.”

It would be a public announcement, I realized. Sitting with Dawn, waiting around for Tyler after the game… It’d make my role crystal clear, in the eyes of whatever hockey fans came to a pre-season game. As comforting as it would be to feel that I had a place in this town, I wasn’t sure I wanted to make things clear for everyone else when they were still so unclear to me.

I guess I waited too long before speaking, because Tyler sighed. “I was right last night,” he said. “I should have kept you away from all that crap. We could have kept running together, and just hung out. Now, it feels like a big deal or something, right?”

“I’d like to keep running. And hanging out…if you’re okay with…” I struggled to find the words. “With that being all. You know?”

He was quiet for a while. “Just because you aren’t interested, or because of my reputation?” He sat up quickly. “No, sorry, don’t answer that. It doesn’t matter, right?” For the first time, the smile he gave me seemed less than genuine. “Yeah, sure. We should keep running. Sure. As long as the team will let me.” He stood up, his body graceful and balanced even though he was clearly in a hurry to get out of there.

“Because of me,” I said quietly. He was standing in front of the sun, its rays glaring out from behind his back. It gave me a good excuse to not look directly at him. “You’re great. I like you a lot, and you’re really”—I waved my arm vaguely in the direction of his body—“Attractive. Obviously. But I’m kind of messed up. Everything back in Toronto, and moving here, and trying to figure out the family stuff, and starting a new school in a couple days, and honestly, it’s not like I was the Queen of Stability
before
all this.” I stopped for a breath. “I just don’t think I can handle any other new things. Nothing big. You know?”

Tyler sank back down and sat on the grass next to me. “Yeah,” he said softly. “Okay. I get it.”

“I’m psycho, right?”

“You’re honest. And that’s a lot of shit to deal with.”

“I like you. It’s just not a good time.”

“I like you, too. And, yeah, we should still run. Today was good for me. It was a reminder that being fit, being active… I
like
all that. It’s not all about hockey. Not really.” It sounded like that meant a bit more to him than it did to me, but I wasn’t quite sure what and I didn’t have time to figure it out because he was still talking, his voice almost apologetic. “But hanging out, that’s probably going to be an added complication.” He ran a hand roughly through his hair. “I know it seems weird to you, but people pay attention to me. Because of hockey. It’s stupid, but we’re the biggest show this town has. If you’re trying to keep things quiet and give yourself some time to settle in, you might want to spare yourself the aggravation of being seen with me.”

It was almost the same advice I’d gotten from Natalie the night before. It was harder to ignore it coming from Tyler, though. And maybe he had his own reasons for not wanting a tag-along. “And I might get in the way, right? I mean, if people think we’re dating, it might slow down your one-night fun.”

He frowned, then shook his head. “No. It wouldn’t. There’re lots of girls who wouldn’t care. But obviously you do. Obviously that’s at least part of the reason you’re not interested.” He held up a hand to keep me from responding. “That’s your business. I’m just saying, you should be honest about it. You can say that this is about you, but it’s about me, too, right? If I was some nerdy little virgin, you wouldn’t be having the same doubts.”

I wasn’t going to get into the whole thing with Natalie and my father. I wasn’t even sure it was a good comparison; Will wasn’t just a slut, he was a cheater, too, and it wasn’t fair to assume Tyler would do that. But Tyler was right. I should try to be honest. So I nodded slowly and said, “I guess. Yeah, it freaks me out a bit. It’s an added complication.”

“I can’t change the past. But if it helps, I’ve decided not to do that anymore. I mean, obviously if you and I were dating, I wouldn’t sleep around. But even if we’re not, I’m not going to. It’s time to grow up. And I should be focusing on my game, anyway.”

“So you wouldn’t have a lot of time for a girlfriend.”

“I’d make time.” His voice was low, but firm.

The whole situation was too much. He was too perfect, in all but one way. I felt like someone was playing a trick on me and I’d caught on but wasn’t sure who to accuse. It was my turn to stand up, and I’m sure I didn’t do it as gracefully as Tyler had. “I can’t do this,” I said quickly. “Just running, then, if hanging out isn’t a good idea. That’s fine.”

I started to leave, walking as quickly as I could without feeling like I was running away. But Tyler’s voice stopped me. “Hey, Karen?”

I turned around and looked at him.

“It’s going to be really hot this afternoon. You want to go swimming? I can’t guarantee that we won’t see other people, but there wouldn’t be many. If you want.”

“Yes.” I said it without thinking, but even after my brain caught up to my mouth, I was still pleased with the answer. “I’d like that.”

“I’ve got practice this morning, and a team dinner starting at five. But I could pick you up around one, maybe?”

“Okay.” It was awkward, having him come to the house now that I knew about him and Miranda, but I wasn’t going to start sneaking around. “Yeah. I’d like that. I’ll see you then.”

I took the long way home. I was feeling good, overall, and I wasn’t looking forward to whatever new drama I’d face when I walked into the house. But mostly, I just wanted some time alone with my thoughts. I wanted to savor the way Tyler had smiled at me, and appreciate his attempts to see the situation from my perspective. And, yeah, okay, I wanted to picture the way his muscles bunched and stretched as he moved. I hadn’t been joking when I said I appreciated what hockey had done for his body. It was a weird sort of balancing act, wanting so badly to be with him at the same time as knowing it was a terrible idea.

As I drew nearer the house, I felt the tension sneaking back into my shoulders even though I tried to keep them relaxed. I pushed open the back door quietly enough that I didn’t disturb the occupants of the kitchen, and I stood there for a moment, watching them. The whole family was there, and they still looked perfect, sitting around the kitchen table eating their breakfasts. They were freshly scrubbed and tidily dressed, they were speaking pleasantly as they ate with impeccable table manners, and most of all, they seemed to genuinely like each other.

I must have made a sound, or maybe their hive mind just activated, because all their heads turned in my direction simultaneously. Miranda and Matt frowned, Will looked surprised, as if he’d forgotten he
had
another kid, and Natalie’s head swiveled right back around to stare at Miranda as if willing her to not say something cutting.

“You want pancakes?” Sara asked cheerfully.

“I’m all sweaty. I should go shower.”

No one argued. There wasn’t even space for me at the table, really, not unless we all got a lot closer than anyone should get to someone coming back from a run. So I escaped down the stairs, and I could hear their conversation start up again behind me. Temporary interruption taken care of; they could go back to their perfect lives. Or at least, perfect-on-the-surface.

Chapter Seventeen

- Tyler -

There was a scout at practice that morning. It wasn’t an official thing, not this early in the season. He just happened to be in the area, he’d wanted to drop in to say hello to his old friend Coach Nichols, and, oh, there was a practice going on? Well, he might as well sit through it, since he was there.

Coach knew the system. And I wasn’t exactly new to it, either. I’d been there for two years already, seen the older players given their chances to show off their skills, and now it was my turn. It was one more reason to be glad I hadn’t gone back to the party the night before, for sure. I wasn’t hungover, so I could do my best in practice. And I hadn’t fooled around with anybody, so I hadn’t felt guilty when I’d seen Karen that morning.

Even if nothing was going to happen with her, I was glad I hadn’t let her down. I wanted to be the guy she wanted me to be, even if there was no real payoff for it. I wanted to be that guy for its own sake, just for my own satisfaction.

But that was
not
the shit I should be thinking about at practice, especially not with a scout in the stands. Winslow and Cooper and a few of the other older guys were in the same state I was, all nervous and trying not to show it, with the younger guys picking up on the energy and being their own kind of stupid. It was a high-energy practice, for sure. During the scrimmage at the end, I had to break up two near-fights when things got too physical and the kids didn’t have enough sense to remember they were both on the same team.

I really couldn’t figure out whether I’d shown the scout anything worth seeing. I’d hustled, like I always did, but maybe that was a problem right there. If I was clearly working my ass off and
still
wasn’t as fast as I should be, then maybe it was clear that I just wasn’t that fast. Maybe it would have been better if I’d found a way to hide how hard I was working, so it’d look like I had more in the tank and just wasn’t wasting my full effort on a practice. But then I’d look like a lazy player, and nobody wanted one of those.

The whole thing was impossible to figure out and impossible to get out of my head. “Fuck it,” I said, chucking a roll of stick tape into my locker with a little more force than necessary.

Winslow was beside me, as usual, and he raised an eyebrow at my little display. “You did good, Tyler.” He had a weird way of speaking that always made him sound either really stoned or really wise. I tried to focus on the
wise
, this time.

“It’s such a game. But they don’t tell you the score until the end.”

“So just play your best, and hope for the best.”

“No way, Yoda, I want to
be
the best. If I’m playing a game, I want to win.” That was true. I wouldn’t have made it as far as I had in hockey without being pretty damned competitive.

Winslow just grinned at me, then held one hand flat like it was a notebook and pretended to write in it with the other. “Shows good fire and intensity,” he said in a serious voice. Then he forced away a grin and added, “But does not show proper respect for his teammates
or
for classic movie heroes.”

“Me and Karen are going swimming this afternoon, before the team dinner,” I said. I hadn’t planned this and had no idea if it was a good idea, but I decided to keep going anyway. The locker room was still crowded, and I didn’t want to make a public announcement so I lowered my voice a little and added, “It’s supposed to be low-key. You know, not a big public event. But if you wanted to come? Maybe I could ask Cooper and Dawn, too.”

“You and Karen, Cooper and Dawn…” Winslow shook his head. “Are you going to make me do it, my friend? If you guys all couple up, do I have to find a girlfriend, too? No more puck bunnies?”

“Don’t call Karen my girlfriend,” I warned. “Not in front of her. It’s a bit weird. Probably not going to happen at all, really. So, no, I don’t think you have to couple up just to be one of the team.”

“Good,” he said with an exaggerated sigh of relief. Then he looked at me a little more seriously. “Why isn’t it going to happen? You and Karen. What’s the problem?”

That wasn’t an easy question to answer. Well, there was one easy answer, but it wouldn’t tell the whole story, and I didn’t want to get into details. So instead I said, “I just don’t think I can do it, man. I can’t… I can’t keep denying my true feelings, you know? It’s you, Winslow. It’s
always
been you. No matter how hard I tried to distract myself, I couldn’t do it. And I can’t hide it anymore.” I stood up, zipped up my jeans and then loudly said, “Chris Winslow, I love you. I have always loved you and I always will. Please, Chris, say you love me back.”

Winslow had a strange expression on his face, like he wasn’t sure whether to laugh or be horrified, and I knew at once that there was more to it than a reaction to my nonsense. I stared at him, and he slowly nodded behind me. I turned, and there they were—Coach, my dad, and the scout, standing in the doorway staring at me.

“He’s not gay!” my dad said quickly, turning to the scout with a forced grin. “Far from it! You should see the list of bunnies he’s bagged!”

I have no idea what possessed me, but I shrugged nonchalantly and looked the scout straight in the eyes as I said, “Might have been denial. Or over-compensation. Right?”

The scout nodded slowly. “Maybe,” he agreed. “I know my brother slept with quite a few women before
he
came out.”

In the awkward silence, I tried to figure out whether pretending to be in love with your best friend was homophobic. I didn’t
think
so…it was the being in love
with Winslow
part that was ridiculous, not the
being gay
part. But I wasn’t sure the scout with a gay brother would see it the same way. I suddenly didn’t care whether he thought I was a good player or the right fit for his team, but I really didn’t want him to think I was an asshole. “I hope he’s happier now,” I said. It was probably ridiculous, and I could see that my dad wanted me to shut up. “Your brother,” I clarified.

“I think he is,” the scout agreed, then turned to look at my coach. “Interesting group you’ve assembled here.”

Coach nodded and didn’t seem too worried about anything. “Some of them have character, some of them
are
characters.” He rolled his eyes in my direction. “Sometimes I’m not sure which is which.”

“Tyler’s got a lot of character,” my dad said quickly. He turned to me and said, “What was that award you won at the camp? Two years in a row he was a counselor there, and two years in a row he got the same award. What was it? Most Popular Counselor, something like that?”

“Biggest Character,” I said. It wasn’t true, but I was kind of enjoying seeing my dad’s face turn different colors. I figured that if this scout was looking for reasons to not like me, I’d already given him a few, so there was no reason to not give him a few more.

“Biggest Pain in the Ass,” my dad responded, and there was a warning tone in his voice.

I didn’t want to get into a full-scale argument right there in the locker room, so I turned around to find my shirt and break the tension a little. When I turned back the scout was still watching me, though, and my dad was still watching the scout. The rest of the room was quiet, pretending to go about their business, but I could tell they were all watching, too.

“I hope you saw good things at practice,” I said to the scout. I was the captain and should be acting that way. “We weren’t going full-strength on the checking, obviously, but even at half-power, Winslow was knocking people around, wasn’t he? You should see him in a game. Nobody gets through him. And Cooper had that sweet shot late in the scrimmage… I wish we’d had a radar gun on it to see how fast it was going.”

“And you?” the scout asked with a raised eyebrow. “What did you do that should have impressed me?”

There wasn’t much to say. I’d done my job and played my game, but I hadn’t really shone at anything that I could think of.

“The teleportation was useful,” Winslow said with a look in Cooper’s direction, and Cooper nodded.

“Teleportation?” the scout asked.

Cooper was the one to answer him. “We say Mac can teleport. Because whenever there’s a spot, and you say,
damn, if there was somebody in that spot I could totally make things happen
, all of a sudden, Mac’s there. Coach says it’s because he’s smart and can read how the play is going to go and get himself in position, but Winslow and me…we know Mac’s not all that smart. So we figure he must be able to teleport.”

The scout nodded. Then he grinned in Winslow’s direction and held up his hand like a notepad, using his other to write imaginary notes, making it clear just how long he’d been eavesdropping on our locker room conversation. “Shows good sense of teamwork and comradeship,” he said seriously, then added, “May not be totally in touch with reality as we know it.”

They left, then, my dad looking like he wasn’t sure whether to be pleased or pissed off. I turned around and flopped down on the bench by my locker. It should have been nice to hear my teammates saying those things about me, but really it just made me feel more nervous, like they were building an even higher pedestal for me to fall off. “That was one scout on a fucking preliminary visit. We’re supposed to be able to keep this up for a full season?”

“It’s all part of the test,” Winslow said, clapping me on the shoulder. “They want to see how we can handle pressure.”

“Or they just get their kicks out of torturing us,” Cooper said.

Suddenly, I really wanted to get out of there. “You and Dawn want to go swimming?” I asked Cooper. “Winslow doesn’t want to be the third wheel, but he’d probably be okay with being the fifth.”

“Sounds good. I’ll give Dawn a call. If she can’t make it, Winslow can be my date.” Cooper smiled in his direction. “Mac’s not the only one who’s got his eye on you, sweetheart.”

“It’s nice to be wanted,” Winslow said blandly.

I wasn’t really listening anymore. I wanted to get the hell out of there and go pick Karen up. So I did. We went down to the lake, and it wasn’t long before the others joined us. Dawn and Karen seemed to get along, and they led the conversation to places it would never have gone if it was just us guys. That is, we talked about things other than hockey. It was a good afternoon, and I knew I wasn’t the only one who wished we could stay at the lake instead of going back in and getting ready for dinner.

But it was the first team dinner of the year, and it wouldn’t look good if both captains blew it off. Winslow probably could have escaped if he’d tried, but his whole family had come up for it and they wouldn’t have been impressed. So we took a final dip and headed back to the cars, the sun and the wind drying us as we walked.

It had been a good afternoon, and it would have felt totally natural to stick around a bit after the other cars had left, would have felt right to lean Karen up against the side of the truck and kiss her. Nothing more than that, probably, just…just making out a bit. Making it clear that I wanted there to be something more between us, without pressuring her to decide exactly what that should look like.

Yeah, that would have felt natural, but it was almost certainly against the rules. So we climbed into the truck and drove back into town. I knew Karen’s skin would be warm from the sun and smell like the lake, and I had to pretend I wasn’t thinking about any of that. It felt like just one more game I was playing, one more lie I was telling to the world. I was the only one who knew the truth, and I was pretty sure that if I tried to tell anyone else about it, they’d just want me to shut up. So I kept quiet, and I smiled when Karen wanted me to. It was the best I could think to do.