Censored by Confucius (4 page)

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Yuan Zicai waizhuan
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CENSORED BY CONFUCIUS

Deputy Prefect Li

The deputy prefect of Guangxi Province was an extremely wealthy man by the name of Li. He kept seven concubines and owned many priceless treasures and jewels. Tragically, this wealthy young sub prefect was only twenty-seven when he fell ill and died.

Among the numerous members of his household was an elderly servant of impeccable honesty and unfailing loyalty. Of course, he sorely grieved the loss of his beloved young master. He and the concubines built a little shrine in Li's honor and this became the focus of their ritual prayers and fasting.

One day a wandering Daoist monk came knocking at the door to beg for alms.

The elderly servant scolded him, saying, "Our young master has just passed away, and here you are asking us for alms!"

The Daoist laughed. "So, you wish he were back here among you, do you? Well, then, I can do a little magic for you and bring him back if you like," he said mysteriously.

The old servant was overjoyed at this news and rushed inside to tell the concubines. The women were all very surprised to learn that such a miracle was possible and they hurried out to meet the Daoist. He had vanished, however.

This sorely missed opportunity generated no small amount of rancor among the women gathered at the gate. Each one blamed the next for offending a Daoist immortal and they returned to their quarters, all rather disgruntled.

Not long after this first meeting, the elderly servant saw the Daoist at the local market performing various religious rites. Greatly excited by this chance meeting, he rushed over to beg forgiveness for his earlier rudeness.

In response to the servant's request for help the Daoist said, "I didn't leave because I didn't want to help return your master. It was just that
there's a regulation in the underworld that a replacement life must be given up for the one to be reborn. I assumed that there was nobody in your household who would want to take the young master's place in the world of the dead, so I just wandered off again."

The old servant then asked deferentially, "I would be very grateful if you would come back with me so we can discuss the problem with the young mistresses." After much coaxing the Daoist was persuaded to return to the house.

The elderly man went inside first to explain to the concubines. Of course, the women were delighted to hear that the Daoist had been found. But on learning that someone would have to die for their husband, they instantly fell into a resentful silence, each one looking expectantly at the next.

The elderly servant then said determinedly, "You are all so young that if any of you were to die it would be a great shame. As for me, though, I am so old and decrepit that I might as well be dead."

He returned to the waiting Daoist. "Would it be all right if I replaced my master?"

The Daoist replied, "It should be all right as long as you have no regrets and show no fear."

"I'll do it," the servant said decisively.

"Well, then," said the Daoist, "since you have resolved to do this, you should go and make your farewells to all your friends and relatives. I'll stay here and prepare the magic. It should be ready in three days, and by the end of the week we should have the results."

The elderly servant then arranged rooms for the Daoist, and over the next few days he ensured that the priest was served with the respect due a distinguished visitor. In between, he rushed around town bidding farewell to friends and relatives.

Their reactions to his strange news were mixed. Some laughed at his stupidity, others respected his loyalty, while others pitied him. Of course there were also many who simply did not believe that he was really going to go through with such a crazy scheme.

During one of these expeditions the elderly man passed by the temple of Guandi, the god of war. As he had always been a believer in this particular god, he went in to pray for guidance in preparing for his impending sacrificial death.

He chanted: "I beseech you, oh Guandi, to assist the Daoist in returning my master's soul to his hearth and home."

He had just finished his prayer when a barefoot monk standing at the base of the altar shouted at him: "You have the aura of an evil spirit hanging over you! Disaster lies ahead! But if you keep our meeting a secret, I can save you from this fate."

He then gave the servant a small packet. "When the time comes, open this packet and you will be saved." In an instant the monk was gone.

When the elderly servant returned home, he carefully opened the packet and found wrapped inside a set of five fingernails and a piece of rope. Puzzled, he rewrapped the package and placed it carefully in his pocket.

When the three days of preparation came to an end, the Daoist told the servant to bring his bed into the room where the young master's coffin was housed, and to place it across from the coffin. He then put locks on all the doors and windows and cut a hole in the wall to allow food to be passed in to the servant to sustain him while he waited for the magic to take effect. Finally, the Daoist erected an altar near the concubines' quarters.

Nothing happened for two days and the elderly servant began to doubt that anything would. Then suddenly he heard wind gusting up from under the bed.

Two dark figures about two feet high emerged from the floorboards. Their greenish eyes were set deep in heads the size of wagon wheels and their bodies were covered with short bristles. They stared at the elderly servant, then slowly made their way to the coffin, where they set about gnashing a hole in it.

As the hole grew larger the servant could hear coughing from inside. It sounded just like the young master! Then, the two demons opened the lid of the coffin and helped the young master out. He was clearly very weak and sick, but the demons began to massage his abdomen and eventually sound issued from his lips.

The elderly servant looked carefully at the person before him and it soon became clear that while the body was that of the young master, the voice belonged to the Daoist. He came to the grim realization that the words he had heard in Guandi's temple were true, so he quickly drew the package from his chest pocket and carefully opened it.

The five fingernails flew off in the form of a golden dragon dozens of feet long. The dragon picked the elderly servant up and flew through the air with him, bringing him to rest on the roof beams, where he found himself bound with ropes.

Though semi-conscious by now, the servant could see the demons helping the newly revived master to his now empty bed. Suddenly the master shouted in anguish, "My magic is failing!"

At this the two demons became quite vicious and angrily searched the room for the elderly man. The master grew violent, shredding the servant's bedding and all his bed curtains. By chance, one of the demons looked up and saw the servant tied to the roof beam. Jubilant the master jumped up, trying to pull him down.

Just then there was a tremendous crack of thunder. The elderly man fell to the floor, the coffin closed up, and the demons sunk through the floorboards as quickly as they had emerged.

On hearing the crack of thunder, the concubines rushed in to see what had happened. The elderly servant told them every detail of his ordeal, and when the women learned about the Daoist's treachery they hurried to see what had become of him. On the altar lay the corpse of the Daoist—he had been struck by lightning—and etched upon his body in a sulfureous dust was his story.

It was written that the evil Daoist had been using his magical powers to gain access to money and sex by using other people's bodies. Heaven had decreed that he be executed for his crimes, and so it was done.

Scholar Cai

Outside the north gate of Hangzhou's city wall was a house that was reputed to be haunted. As a consequence, nobody dared live there and so the house remained vacant and firmly sealed.

One day a scholar by the name of Cai came by and expressed his wish to purchase the house. The locals tried to dissuade him, saying he would be risking his life if he tried to live in such a place. But Cai paid them no heed and proceeded with the purchase, signing all the necessary documents. His family refused to take up residence, however, so Cai moved in by himself.

On his first night in the house he sat up with a candle to keep watch. At midnight a woman with a red sash dangling from her neck quietly entered his room. She curtsied and the two exchanged greetings. Then the woman tied a rope to the roof beam and pulled the noose over her head. Throughout this performance Cai remained unruffled. Next, she tied another rope and beckoned to Cai to join her. Cai accepted her invitation but drew the noose over his foot.

The woman said, "My dear sir, that's the wrong way."

Cai laughed. "I'm certainly not wrong. You're the one who's doing it the wrong way and that's why you ended up where you are today."

At this, the ghost fell to her knees weeping, and after bowing to Cai several times she left. From this time on, the house was free of supernatural occurrences. Cai, moreover, was successful in his examinations. Some say he may be the local magistrate, Cai Binghou.

Revenge of the Skull

Sun Junshou of Changshu was extremely cruel and vicious and took particular delight in mocking ghosts and spirits. One day, while he and some friends were up in the hills having a picnic, Sun found himself in need of a place to empty his bowels. Looking around for a suitable spot he came across a dilapidated grave where a skull lay exposed on the ground. Sun squatted over the upturned skull and defecated into the opening, saying, "How did you enjoy that, my good fellow?"

Much to Sun's horror, the skull opened its mouth and replied, "Exquisite!"

Terrified, Sun ran as fast as his feet could carry him. But the skull rolled along like a wheel behind, and it was only when Sun had crossed a bridge that the skull ceased its pursuit. Climbing a hill on the other side of the bridge, Sun glanced back to see the skull rolling back to the grave.

By the time Sun reached home his face was a deathly gray and he had become incontinent. Until his death three days later the man would eat his own feces and ask himself, "How did you enjoy that, my good fellow?" And then he would defecate and eat his feces all over again.

General Zhao Spears the Cheeky Monster

After waging campaigns against rebels in the mountainous borderlands General Zhao Liangdong passed through Chengdu in Sichuan Province. He was welcomed on his arrival by the governor of Sichuan and escorted to the house of a local citizen to spend the night.

When he arrived at the house General Zhao discovered that the rooms he had been allocated were extremely cramped, so he asked to stay in the yamen of the western district.

In reply the governor explained, "I would have had the yamen prepared for your arrival but I'm told it is haunted. It's been locked up for over a century now."

General Zhao smiled. "Over the course of my life I've defeated hordes of bandits, quelled many rebellions, and slaughtered countless numbers of men. If those ghosts and demons know what's good for them they'll stay out of my way!"

He promptly gave the order for the yamen to be cleaned out in preparation for his personal use. The general housed his family in the inner quarters while he himself took a bed in the main room. As he lay down to sleep he put his long military lance under his pillow.

At the second watch, the hooks of the bed curtains clanged together and there in front of the bed stood a tall white-gowned figure with a bulbous belly. In the shadow of the lamplight its face had a cold and greenish glow.

General Zhao sat up and shouted fiercely at the ghost, who promptly took several steps back into the circle of lamplight. The momentary illumination of his face showed the gruesome visage of a guardian god from a folk painting. Zhao thrust out with his lance but the ghost dodged behind a wall support. Zhao thrust out his lance again, and once more the ghost dodged. It then slipped quickly into a small crack in the wall and disappeared.

As General Zhao walked back to his room he sensed he was being
followed. He swung around and found the ghost sneaking up behind him with a broad grin on its face.