Catch Me When I Fall (26 page)

'Well... I've no idea. What about something to do with his work?'
'I don't think he works any longer. I don't think he's worked since I went officially mad. And not much before that. He keeps telling me it's not important at the moment, that there are other
things to sort out first.'
'He's right,' I said.
'I don't want him to sort me out. That's my job now. I want him to work. He's good at what he does. Really good. You've seen it. When I first met him, I Was convinced he could be great. But then I was convinced that I could be great as well. We can't just lock ourselves into our house and not work and drink fucking soup and eat Naomi's ginger cake and forget about the outside world, can we?"
'Maybe not,' I agreed, thinking that perhaps now was the time to tell her about the money.
'How about a dressing-gown?' said Todd.
Holly brightened. "That's a good idea. That's what I'll get for him. You're brilliant, Todd.'
'He's nice," she whispered, when Todd went to the lavatory.
'Good,' I said. 'I mean, I'm glad you think so, but there are things I need to talk to you about.' '
"Let's have a walk later. I've got to get out of here for a bit."

At lunch Holly fell silent and Charlie kept jumping up and doing unnecessary things at the sink, clattering dishes noisily. The rest of us talked about the possibility of snow and about winter weather, stretching out the topic for far too long. I said something about there being places in the Arctic where you could throw boiling water into the air and it would freeze before it hit the ground, and Todd launched gallantly into a story about skiing in Norway when it was minus twenty-five and his eyelashes froze and icicles formed in his nostrils. I looked across at Holly, fearful

that she might say something sarcastic. She looked at me, and there was just the tiniest hint of a raised eyebrow but she remained silent.
The doorbell rang and I saw Holly flinch. I realized that all the time she was sick with apprehension about who might turn up, and I longed to reach over and comfort her. She remained tense until Charlie returned with Naomi, who plonked herself down next to Anthea Carter, his mother, and greeted everyone like family. We all had coffee. Anthea kept dunking chocolate digestive biscuits into hers and losing soggy chunks, fishing them out with her teaspoon and slurping them loudly. She'd had two tankards of wheat beer with her lunch and was decidedly mellow.
Naomi poured milk into her coffee, then a small dribble into Charlie's. Just the amount he liked. Such a trivial thing, but the domestic intimacy jolted me. I stared across at them and saw Charlie slide a glance towards Naomi who looked briefly back at him, before turning away again, demure and bright-eyed.
They're having an affair, I thought. Holly was right after all. She just suspected the wrong woman. Poor Holly. Poor Holly, poor Charlie, poor all of us. Suddenly it felt almost indecent that we were all sitting round the table like this, chatting, smiling, cheating, lying.
Holly stood up, pushing back her chair with a squeal across the
floor. "I'm going for a walk with Meg and Todd," she announced. 'Are you sure that's ' "Quite sure.'
'Do you want me to come?' asked Charlie.
'You stay here. Have a bit of time to yourself, for a change." 'Wrap up well, then.'
He put her coat on for her, buttoning her into it and tying a bright scarf round her neck. She tilted her face towards him but he avoided her lips and kissed her cheek, as if she was a sick child.

Tactfully Todd dropped us off at the park. It was bitterly cold, with a stinging wind, but Holly didn't seem to mind. And at last I told her that I'd visited Cowden Brothers and that she didn't have to worry any more.
'They just cancelled the debt?' asked Holly, doubtfully. 'In a manner of speaking,' I said. 'Why?"
'I explained that you'd not been yourself on the evening and ' 'Meg, this is me, Holly. Remember? I'm not a complete idiot and, anyway, I know when you're not telling the truth. You have this funny little furrow between your eyebrows.'
'You don't have to worry,' I said. 'You're safe now. You can
concentrate on getting better.'
'You paid it.'
'It's not important.'
'You paid the debt, didn't you? Didn't you?' 'Kind of," I mumbled. 'How much?'
'Just what you owed.'
'Fucking how much, Meg? Tell me." She clutched my arm so that I had to stop walking.
'Twelve thousand,' I lied.
She closed her eyes. I could see she was doing some mental
arithmetic. 'No," she said. 'Tell me the real figure.'
'Sixteen.'
'Oh, my God, Meg.'
'The meter was running,' I said. 'It would have been even more by now if'
"You paid all that?"
'I only did what you would have done in my place.'
'I don't know what to say.'
"I don't want you to thank me.'
"I'm not going to thank you. I'm going to shout at you, you

imbecile! What did you think you were up to?' She raised her fist as if she would punch me in the face, but burst into tears instead.
I hesitated, then put my arms round her while people flowed
past us. 'You would have done it for me,' I repeated. 'Where did you get the money?' she sobbed. 'Here and there.'
'You used up all your savings, didn't you? Your house money.'
'This was what it was for, really. This was the rainy day you're meant to save for.'
Holly gave a hiccupy laugh. 'It was my rainy day. Meg, I I--"
'It doesn't matter,' I said.
We reached the entrance of Golders Hill Park, and headed past the emus towards the goats. 'Nobody can really be unhappy looking at a goat,' I said. And then, without altering my tone, 'How's your brain?'
'That's a blunt question,' said Holly, pushing her gloved hands into her coat pocket.
A tiny kid gave a ridiculously high-pitched bleat.
"I was shocked when I heard about the ECT," I said, 'but you seem all right.'
Im not the person to ask,' said Holly. 'I slept through the whole course. They'd wheel me off and I'd wake up feeling woozy.'
'They said it was an emergency. You were acutely depressed.' 'Yeah, I heard that too,' said Holly.
'You sound like you're talking about somebody else,' I said. 'Don't you know?'
'They said it might affect my memory a bit, but it hasn't, as far as I know.' She gave a rueful smile. "Maybe I've forgotten.'
'The funny thing is,' I said, 'that when I talked to you, just before the ECT, you seemed better already. You told me that at

the moment you did that...' I steeled myself to say the words. 'When you tried to kill yourself, you said that was when you
realized you didn't want to die.'
'That's right.'
"I guess I was hoping you were through all that."
Holly gave a shrug. Im not the most reliable witness. I'm
just the person who had the electrodes stuck to my head."
'I was just surprised.'
'Dr Thorne told Charlie that the major indicators for suicide are, first, having tried it already. Which seems pretty bloody obvious. And then being preoccupied with death. It's not so much about being depressed. You can be incredibly, hopelessly depressed and not suicidal in the least. On the other hand, you can be not depressed at all and suicidal. You can become obsessed with it, as if it was a kind of hobby. It sounds like I was a mixture of both over the last few months and apparently it was something
I started talking about again.'
"And now?'
'And now it couldn't be further from my mind.' Holly pulled her coat more closely about her. 'These goats are great," she said. 'I completely agree with you about their therapeutic qualities. But don't you find that sometimes somewhere indoors and warm with a mug of coffee is even more effective?'

We sat and drank coffee and Holly ate a muffin and we talked over the details of her return to work. When I arrived at her house I had wanted to be able to say of Holly that 'she lived happily ever after'. I saw now that what that would have to mean was that she lived dutifully ever after. The play, the wild adventure, the dream, the romance, the fantasy, they were all over. Now Holly would have to see what life was like when you were sober. She had to lead a career, make her marriage work. It was all about arrangements, appointments, being on time.

Holly seemed reluctant to talk about this in too much detail, as if I were a parent nagging her to do her homework and her music practice. She said that Dr Thome had told her there was no question of her being able to work for at least a couple of months. He had instructed her that her job now was to recover. Holly said that she was going to get well, she was going to sort out the details of her private life, reorganize her house. Above
all, she was going to make things right with Charlie. 'And you, of course,' she said.
That made me laugh. "You don't need to make anything right with me,' I said.
"I do. You know that note I wrote to you? As far as I can remember in my delirium and with my electrically frazzled brain, it was you I felt I needed to explain things to. Maybe I still do. I'm never going to be completely sensible, you know.'
'We can't go back to that,' I said. 'You can't live again like you did the last few months. You won't survive it. We won't. I won't.'
'We'll see,' she said. 'My main task is to get well. No, that's not right. My main task is to get Charlie's mother out of the
house. Getting well can wait.'
I laughed.
"Is she that bad?'
'Don't you hate the smell of mentholated cigarettes?" she said. "It's putting things together that shouldn't be put together. It's as if somebody has put out a bonfire by pouring peppermint tea on it.'
"But seriously," I said, "I think you mustn't return to work until..."
"Let's share some fruit cake.'

"She wasn't what I expected at all. I can see now why you love her,' said Todd.

'I knew you'd like her once you'd met her properly.'
'She's very appealing somehow.'
'Yes, I know. Everyone thinks so. She makes people feel special.'
There was a short silence, then Todd came over to me and
put his arms round me. 'What's wrong?'
'Nothing.'
"There is. I can tell.'
'It's nothing, really.' But I couldn't let it go. 'So do you think she's very beautiful?'
'I don't know about beautiful. Lovely, certainly.'
'Most people think she's beautiful.'
'Meg.'
'What?'
'You don't need to worry, you know.'
'I'm not worrying. I don't know what you're talking about.'
'It's you I'm in love with, you're the one I find beautiful.'
"I'm not beautiful.'
'You are to me."
"To me". That sounds like pity.'
"More like lust.'
'Really?'
'The real thing. What was it Holly called you? True.'
We put our arms round each other and I pressed my forehead to his. There was a new kind of solemnity to our relationship now, as if both of us knew we were entering something big and grand; that there was no quick turning back any more. After a
while, I said, 'Charlie's having an affair.' 'Charlie? Who with?' "Naomi.'
'How do you know?'
'I just know. They looked at each other.'

"He's had a rough time, you know,' said Todd, after a pause. 'It'll probably fizzle out."
"Yes. I hope so. So you don't think I should do anything about it?'
'What could you do? Tell her? God, no. Just hope she never finds out.'

34

I didn't see Holly again until the second of January, though I spoke to her on the phone. I was too busy being happy, and although I didn't quite forget about her, I pushed her to the back of my mind. Falling in love makes you selfish and blind.
Todd and I spent two nights over New Year in a remote cottage in Dorset. When we got back, I called on Holly. Charlie was away for the day. Holly had said on the phone that she was trying to sort out all the chaos that had built up over the past few months. It was the least she could do and she wanted to have a sense of purpose over the weeks of convalescence.
'I want to show you something,' she said, as soon as she opened the door.
She was wearing purple tracksuit trousers and a sweatshirt many sizes too large for her with the sleeves rolled up above her elbow. I followed her into the living room. There were packing cases scattered on the floor, half filled with folders, old newspapers
and exercise books.
'Are you moving?'
'Just clearing up,' she said, looking around her. 'These are just old things from years ago. There are old essays and projects, which I've kept because they took so long to do but now I think I'll make a celebration bonfire of them. And then there are the books I read as a girl and maybe I'll keep them for, you know, just in case...
'That sounds good,' I said. 'Very good. What is it you wanted me to see?"
'I found these. I don't want to be disloyal and God knows

what Charlie's had to put up with, but I had to tell someone.'
She led me to Charlie's work room and gestured to a pile of letters on the desk. 'I found them in the bottom drawer," she said. 'Don't tell me I shouldn't have been poking around in Charlie's stuff. I know I shouldn't. But I needed to get all the phone bills together so I could do the accounts. I might as well make myself useful in some way. And they were scattered everywhere. Anyway, read them."
I looked at them one by one, feeling slightly shabby as I did so. ALL the letters were about work not delivered on time, or not delivered at all.
'He's just stopped,' said Holly. "I don't think he's produced a single piece of work in months and months. Yet he comes down
here and says he's working. He sits at his desk for hours.' 'Poor Charlie,' I said hopelessly.
'Exactly. But why does he pretend to me that he's working? Why doesn't he just talk to me about it? I'll tell you what, Meg, we're up to our necks in financial shit. I've got an overdraft of seven thousand pounds and my bank won't let me withdraw any more cash. I sold my grandmother's pearl necklace. Not that I ever wore it anyway. Fuck knows what's going on with Charlie's
bank. He won't talk about it. He says it's his problem, not mine." "He doesn't want to worry you.'
'What does he think is going to happen? Some kind of miracle?' 'It's been a difficult time, for him as well as you. He just wants you to get better.' My voice sounded fraudulent, and I could feel a flush creeping up my neck.
'You're probably right,' said Holly. She rubbed her face. "It's such hard work sorting everything out. It's all takes so much time and slog. I wish I had a magic pill." She gave a nervous
giggle. 'Well, of course, I do have some of those, don't I?" 'You're taking them regularly?'
"Regularly. Religiously. Don't worry. Even those mornings